Montana Mile League

Week 13 - 2008 Recaps!

2008-12-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

Moy’s Boys vs Scott’s Jocks

As the days get short
And the winds become colder
Fluttering leaves cry.

For the season now
Like the rain-fed rivulets
Is lost forever.

The tears for Moy’s Men
Are especially bitter
With early hopes dashed.

They were once envied,
Triumphant at 4 and 1
Leading all but one.

But 8 straight losses
Led to no chance at playoffs
And no redemption.

This game was for pride,
And Moy’s boys did much better
Yet still came up short.

Doomed by fleet-footed
receivers named Brown, Curtis,
And one Plaxico

Combining for four.
Negating stellar games from
Romo and Westbrook

Scott had no one stud,
But had many helping out,
Like Rodgers and Jones.

And so the season,
Concludes for one owner and
Goes on for another.

In these cold, short days
Where all our seasons must end
Savor, savor wins,

For they are fleeting.
And don’t despair in defeat
For that too shall pass.

- Sei

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Pete's Bobcats def. Mel's Sluts (121-100)

With a playoff secured, the fancy dressin', corner hangin' gals from SF had little to play for in Week 13. Meanwhile despite a disappointing 2008 campaign, the not so ferocious felines from the East Bay were looking to end the season on a positive note by defeating their card-playing arch nemesis, fighting to stay one game ahead of the hapless Surf Riders and avoid tying for the league's record for futility. Well, it was mission accomplished for Pedro and his gridiron gang. QB Jay Cutler led the way with a 357 yard, 2 TDs, and 21 point performance, while QB Matt Ryan capped off his rookie season with yet another strong outing, thanks to a not too shabby 207 yards, 2 TDs, and 19 fantasty points. There was also a Tony Gonzalez sitting, as the KC tight end produced 110 yards, 7 first downs, and 18 points. Pete also got production from RB Steven Jackson (16 points) and the Dallas D (14 points). All of that was enough to put the 'Cats over the top and at least for one last week enjoy the elusive taste of victory.

Across the gridiron, Mel's gals hit the century mark thanks in part to WR Greg Jennings, who hauled in 91 yards, a TD, and a 2-pointer. Meanwhile RB Larry Johnson managed to not only rumble for 92 yards and a TD, but also avoid any sideline altercations with members of the SF female posse. Still, the Sluts were clearly looking ahead to the playoffs as QB Chad "Me Miss NY" Pennington could only muster up 7 fantasy points, while counterpart Matt "I'm More Than a Backup" Cassell was distracted by a Giselle Bundchen siting and outdid Pennington in the lackluster performance department with negative 2 points due to 4 turnovers. And let's not even discuss the goose egg WR Vincent Jackson laid on Sunday.

- Glen

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Bay City Steamrollers 176 Joe's Mother Tuckers 122

The Steamrollers are looking strong strutting into the playoffs, with 176 total points and another 135 on the bench. McNabb had 4 touchdowns and 35 points, while Chris Johnson rushed for 125 yards, 2 TDs and 29 points. I predict that there may be trouble on Topeka Avenue come Montana Mile Bowl Sunday. Meanwhile, even though the Mother Tuckers lost, they still put up enough points to edge the valiant 'Cats out of the playoffs. I can't help but think back to the week when I forgot to set my lineups and easily lost to Scott when I could have easily won. Why can't I forget that week? Because it is immortalized by this lone chat session in the desolate place known as the Montana Mile League Scoreboard Chat Room:

Scott Lee(Sun 10/26 2:10PM): hey sei!Scott Lee(Sun 10/26 2:10PM): i bet you are not even looking at this scoreboard chat.Scott Lee(Sun 10/26 2:10PM): but both you and i benefited from two bad managers. not a fun way to win, but i guess a win is a win.

Maybe I should go check out the abandoned Montana Mile League Forum, to see if I can read about any other of this season's failures that have been frozen in amber.

- Peter Schoewe

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Nelsons (119) defeat NSC (108)

This game meant nothing to Christine. This game meant a possible #4 seed and home field advantage for Kanako’s Nelsons in the wild card. What ended up happening? One team played like they cared and the other one didn’t.

Caring team: Larry Fitz (22), Titans DST (17), Kurt Warner (19), Gus Frerotte (18), Brandon Jacobs (17)

How can you win with Gus Frerotte at starting qb? Ask Kanako!

Do not care team: Peyton Manning (0), Philip Rivers (6), Anquan Boldin (6), Bills DST (8), Brandon Marshall (9)

I guess Jason Witten didn’t get the memo, he put up 24 in a losing effort.

The wildcard round has already started. The recaps are over . . . unless someone cares to post their own playoff recaps. I know it probably won’t be Peter or I. We be lazy. We be busy.

- Commish

Wee 12 - 2008 Recaps!

2008-11-27T10:59:00.001-08:00

Rollers vs Nihilists

To paraphrase Nicholas Cage in Con-Air, “On any other week, scoring 142pt and losing would be strange.“

But not this week. What a display of offense by all of the MMFL, led by the Sluts 214pts and the resurgent Tuckers 177! Going in the Rollers/Nihilists matchup looked most intriguing, with the divided house angle and the combined record of 17-5. And it was the closest game, but I’m more struck by how high many of the scores were.

With both the Rollers and Nihilists having sewn up a 1st round bye, this game was important only for who did various duties in the Lee/Kim household. The first match-up between these teams led to the Rollers second loss of the season, and consigned the Rollers owner to poopie diaper duty for a week. With so much do-do riding on this game, the Rollers went to great lengths to find a winning formula against the juggernaut Nihilists. Changes for this game included picking up and starting Lance Moore and Tyler Thigpen. Trent Edwards was dropped and Donovan McNabb, Frank Gore and Lee Evans were benched.

So how did these moves work out? Overall the moves helped, but not enough. Dropping Trent Edwards and sitting Lee Evans was a mistake, with Trent scoring 4 TDs and Lee going for over 100yds this week. Sitting Donovan for Tyler Thigpen was a bold move that wasn’t easy, but paid huge dividends as Donovan had -5pts and Thigpen put up 24. Benching Frank Gore and his subsequent 3pts was clearly the right move, but Steve Slaton only came up w/9. On a side note, my once vaunted RB corps seems downright pathetic: Out of Adrian Peterson, Frank Gore, Ronnie Brown, Chris Johnson and Steve Slaton on Adrian got into double digits at 17.

On the other side, the Nihilists show once again why they are now 10-2 and atop the MMFL. Led by the dynamic duo from Hot-Lanta (Rowdy Roddy White and Michael Turner), this roster is chock full of players doing better than expected. Philip Rivers as one of the best QBs in Fantasy? Brandon Marshall and Marques Colston fighting for a WR spot because Anquan Boldin and Roddy White have been so good this year.

So, clearly the Nihilists have a great team and my guess is that if we played 100 games, they would have the best record. But we don’t, and as this week showed, on any given Thu/Sun/Mon, anything can happen.

Bonus Playoff Picture:

Byes: Nihilistas and Rollers have those spots locked up.

Who’s in: Sluts, Slayers and Nellies are in. Even if the Nellies lose and the Surf Riders win, they’ve split their season head-to-head, and the Nellies are ahead in the next tiebreak (total points scored) by 300+.

Who’s fighting: Tuckers and the Cats. Tuckers win, they’re in. If the Cats lose, the Tuckers are in. If the Tuckers lose and the Cats win, the Cats season point total is 21 ahead of the Tuckers, so the Tuckers would need to put up 21pts more than the Cats to wrest the last playoff spot away.

- Sei

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Tuckers Beat Crap Out of Surf Riders (177-90)

In the inaugural game of the MML Crapola Bowl, the OBSR were looking to snap a six game losing streak, while the JMT were looking to put together back-to-back wins after suffering their own seven game nose dive earlier in the season. Well the Surf Riders walked away from this game with yet another loss, sole possession of the cellar of the Bloods division, and probably another COTW to go with an already crowded display case. The only members of the Riders who did not start their off-season early were QBs Tony Romo and Eli Manning who combined for 581 passing yards, 6 TDs, and 53 points. Too bad the rest of team couldn't muster up another double digit scorer. While K Robbie Gould booted a couple of FGS and XPs on his way to 9 points, everyone else was headed to the tailgate party by halftime. And for the second week in a row, the OBSR bench almost amassed as many points as the starters.

Not that any of that would have mattered against the Tuckers, who took out their frustrations out on the hapless OBSR. QB Drew "My Float is Stuck" Brees and WR Terrell Owens had monster games, racking up 536 yards, 4 TDs, and 66 points between them. Not to be overshadowed, QB Ben Roethlisberger had a not too shabby 243 yard, 2 TD performance, while RB DeAngelo Williams rushed for 101 yards, 1 TD, and a 2 pointer. The Tucker's win combined with the Bobcat's loss to the Nelsons in the annual Fritos Dueling Animals bowl meant that at the very least Joe could relinquish his cozy Cripps division basement timeshare.

- Glen

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Arcadia Bobcats of Crocker Highlands at Maxwell Park 110 The Nelsons 128

This wasn't my week for fantasy football. I lost in both leagues. My bright new hope at quarterback, Brady Quinn, scored in negative territory. Usually reliable Hines Ward could only muster up 4 points. Meanwhile, Kanako's team looked just as bland. She started Brandon Jacobs, who was inactive against the Cardinals, and her tight-end was Owen Daniels, who only scored two points. That was bested by Gus Frerotte at quarterback, with 3 points. How did the Nelsons manage to beat me? The answer lies in the 37 points from Randy Moss. As you can tell, this lackluster week is resulting in a lackluster recap. Thankfully, I can put this all behind me as I prepare to enjoy Melissa's succulent turkey!

- Peter Schoewe

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Sluts 214 defeat Slayers 130

Melissa’s entire team was crazy good this week – over 320 points from all 16 players. I don’t believe she could have picked a much better line-up. The sheer magnitude of her performance makes me ignore the 2 points she got from D. Avery at WR. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of D. Avery and I’m too lazy to look up what the D stands for. Obviously the Slayers weren’t too concerned about D this week either. D wins ball games. Matt Cassel had his 2nd straight week of crazy stats, 38 fantasy points. Chad “I used to be a Slayer” Pennington added insult to injury by chipping in 34 points. Rounding out her top players, Melissa’s squad included Matt Forte (32), Marshawn Lynch (23), Steve Smith (22), Tampa Bay DST (22), and Greg Jennings (21). How could the Slayers even be competitive? With a combined 16 player total of 210, the Slayers were just outmatched and outgunned by the defending champs. It reminds me of the MMFL super bowl from last year – same outcome. The commish is one sad panda.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, I'm thankful we have such a fun group of teams!

- Scott

Week 11 - 2008 Recaps!

2008-11-20T08:28:00.001-08:00

Rollers Get Rolled by the Gypsy Cats

Surely the bottom-feeding Itinerant Felines at 3-7 couldn’t knock off the 8-2 Steamrollers who had won 5 in a row? Of course they could, and don’t call me Shirley. The Cats rode the wave that brought victory to every team in the Cripps Division and handed the Rollers their first loss in 6weeks.

The Rollers coaching staff has definitely had better weeks.

Fantasy axiom 1: You’re not going to win when your kicker is your highest scorer. Granted 14 from a kicker is pretty good, but not having anyone else do better is weak.

Fantasy axiom 2: You’re not going to win when your bench score more points than your starters. Basically this means that a chimp could’ve done better by picking players through a process of blindfolded feces flinging. Rumor has it this method will be employed to determine next weeks lineup.

The Wandering Lynxes put up a winning but uninspired performance, managing to put up 105 points, putting them 6th out of 8 teams. Their WR corp was their strength, putting up 16, 16 and 19, but the rest of their team bordered on the awful, highlighted by McGahee’s 1pt performance. Bottom line, good enough to win.

- Sei

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Slayers def. Nelsons (137-106)

Scott's gridiron gang secured an important W with the 2008 MML regular season quickly drawing to a close. LaDainian Tomlinson didn't have an especially spectacular game, but still managed 21 points thanks to 107 all-purpose yards, 6 first downs, and a TD. A pair of Jets has LT's back, as Brett Favre displayed some of his Hall-of-Fame form with a 258 yard, 2 TD performance and Thomas Jones rushed his way to 104 yards and a TD. While WR Chad Johnson was anything but "Ocho Cinco" in Week 11, Aaron Rodgers and Reggie Wayne picked up the slack, combining for 34 points, 2 TDs, and 317 yards.

The Slayer's 137 point output was enough to put the smackdown on the pooches from Vis Valley. WR Larry Fitzgerald paced Kan's gridiron gang, hauling in 151 yards, 8 first downs, and 23 points. Meanwhile Brandon Jacobs rumbled for 73 yards and 2 TDs on his way to collecting 24 points. Unfortunately the rest of the Nelsons could not match the duo's offensive output. Perrenial Takeda draft pick WR Randy Moss could barely muster 9 points, while Laveranues Coles and Owen Daniels just plain weren't trying hard enough. As for K John Carney, having a big fat goose egg in the stat column speaks volumes to his offensive prowess. Heck, the Nelsons' starting lineup managed to outscore the bench players by a mere two points. Which basically meant that the cellar of the Bloods Division was crowded for yet another week.

- Glen

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Ocean Beach Surf Riders 78 NSC Annihilators 144

When you pour a scotch over ice, it sometimes makes a fascinating pattern of swirling golden shapes, that you can enjoy if you hold the glass close to your eye and look at it intently. If you glance your fingers across a piano's keys, you will sometimes create a cacophonous noise that, though discordant, is a pleasing sound. If you consider the game I have been tasked to recap, you will find a similar comforting pattern as you cast your eyes across the list of the Surf Rider players' scores. They rise and fall minutely, like the noise of a gamelan orchestra. 9, 8, 7, 10, 7, 9, 7, 5, 3, 13. But then you will notice something odd. Why are these numbers so low? Wait, wait, you say. Let me look at the opponent, the silver phoenix we must now call the Annihilators. Here is something strange: 23, 2, 29, 23, 24, 5, 4, 14, 13, 7. Some of the numbers seem familiar, but many are of a much greater magnitude. You will find the key to mystery when you click the tab that says "Overall standings." There you find the silver phoenix proudly strutting atop the Cripps' mountain. Where are the Surfers you ask? They are at the bottom of the Bloods, and near their name we find the saddest, most bittersweet statistic of them all. It is simply "L6."

- Peter Schoewe

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Motu’s get off the snide at the expense of the Sluts (125 – 110)

The Joe Motu skid is over. His team had been leaving behind all sorts of skidmarks over the past 5 weeks or so. This week he must have asked Barb to make sure everyone wiped before flushing. The Motu WR combo of Breaston and TO only scored 7 total points, but that was more than made up for steller outings from Joseph Addai (32), DeAngelo Williams (27) and Dwayne Bowe (21). He didn’t even need the 25 points he left on his bench from the rejuvenated Ryan Grant.

Oh Sluts, no consistency this week. Me thinks Mama Slut is more concerned about Costco baby wipes than she is with the performance of her team. Trying to avoid an overly messy situation, she bungled this one for sure. One only need at the 15 combined points from Delhomme and Pennington – then look down at her bench where Matt Cassel put up a blazing 43 points on her bench. Need I really say more? I just have 4 letters for you, not necessarily in this order: T-O-W-C

- Scott

Week 10 - 2008 Recaps!

2008-11-17T05:43:00.001-08:00

Gypsy Cats vs Tuckers (Mothers not cars)

Strangely enough, Week 10 in MMFL seemed to go according to plan. At 7-2 each, the dominant household of the Steamrollers and 'Nihilators were expected to win and did. The Sluts had a better record than the Nelsons but given the Nellies total points, their win can hardly be called a surprise. And with the Tuckers in absolute free-fall, the Gypsy Cats win is hardly surprising. But then again, hindsight is
always 20/20.

Maybe the Oaktown lingo in the Gypsy Cats recap last week was a sign of a Black Power infusion into the Gypsy Cats, they clearly they came to play this week. Even more impressive than their 137 pts was the 122 pts on the bench. I guess that also means that the Gypsy Cats owner did a terrible job of picking starters (Jamaal Charles instead of Willis McGahee, Chester Taylor or Leon Washington?). But clearly
there is some talent on the Gypsy Cats team, and the way things are going, they may make the playoffs and make some noise.

How can a season that started so brightly, so full of promise, go so awry so quickly? As usual, there is no one answer but a series of contributing factors: Bulger, Addai, Chris Chambers, TO on bye. It's never a good sign when you have 2 players at 0 and -2. But, to paraphrase Annie Savoy, "It's a long season and you gotta adapt," by picking up players who are starting to make waves like Bo Scaife. Not sure Bo is good for the long haul, but w/Romo coming back, TO's numbers should go up, and Bulger and Ben are going to stink it up like this every week, right?

- Sei

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Nelsons romp over Sluts (110-74)

Ahhh canines versus ladies of the night. I'm sure there's a plot for a porno somewhere in there, but let's stick to football as this is a G-rated league. In a battle to see who would share the cellar of the Bloods division with the Surf Riders, the Nelsons prevailed over SF's hardest working gals. Kanako's canine corps secured the win thanks to RB Brandon Jacobs, who rushed for 126 yards and 2 TDs while making up for the big fat doughnut laid by Clinton Portis. Meanwhile, QB Kurt
Warner turned back the clock to his St. Louis Rams days and unleashed a 328 yard, 3 TD, and 28 point performance. Supporting the cause was Larry Fitzgerald and the John "I'm More Than a Kicker" Carney who each tossed in 12 points apiece.

On the other side of the gridiron, most of Mel's Sluts were too busy working the local motel to make it to the game. Carolina tandem Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith were clearly using their knee pads for other purposes. Not that the rest of Mel's gridiron gals did much better. Only RB Matt "Annunciate the E" Forte managed to show up for the game, producing 126 all-purpose yards, 7 first downs, and a TD. But despite the anemic display of offense, it wasn't the worst performance on this
Sunday. So for this week at least, Mel doesn't have to worry about where to afix a COTW badge to her "work" outfit.

- Glen

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Slayers vs. NSC

Sunnyvale Slayers 125 NSC Annihilators 182

When I was just a wee lad, my brother Matt and I walked a mile to elementary school every day. My mother reports that, on many a morning, she would look out the window and see my brother yelling for me to hurry up as we headed off down the street. That pattern has persisted into my fantasy football recap writing days. This may explain why I am releasing this final document dump from week 10 of the 2008 Montana Mile League Season at 5:30 on a Friday evening, twenty-four hours after week 11 has begun. The game I'm reviewing was a wild one. Scott answered the question, "Is it really possible to lose a game when you start Thomas Jones and, after three touchdowns and 149 yards, he contributes a massive 43 points to your tally?" You have to give him props, though, for avoiding starting anybody on his anemic, bye-ridden bench. Fourteen points, only! His bench is so weak, it would collapse if his momma sat on it. Christine continued to be the consummate overachiever, with Manning, Moore, Turner and Boldin all scoring 20 plus points. Because I'm sure Christine is already planning her Montana Bowl party, I recommend she take us all to French Laundry!

- Peter Schoewe

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Steamrollers dismantle Surf Riders, 165-72

Surf Riders complete roster scored 136 points, which would still have left them 30 points short of beating the mighty Steamrollers of Bay City. Even Trent Edwards (6) and Lee Evans (3) couldn't stop this freight train from putting up the points this week. Naturally he was outdone by his better half, as Christine's squad put up an amazing 182 points! On the other side, Glen only had 2 players in double figures
(Eli Manning-17 and Jamal Lewis-18). There was precious little he could have done . . . actually there was nothing he could have done. He was just completely out matched in week 10. Better luck next time Glen!

Adrian Peterson – 39 points. Which team was he almost traded to for Tony Romo?

McNabb and Royal both put up 26 points each. They sound like the next great comedy duo.

Sorry for my lackluster recap, but I'm pulling out the Chris Kim excuse, I have a full time job and I had to take care of 2 children! Indeed this past week I spent Friday to Wed morning in Southern California playing ps3 with my 11 and 12 year old, all the while cooking them delicious meals and taking them to birthday parties. I'm
tuckered out!

- Scott

Week 9 - 2008 Recaps!

2008-11-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

Sluts vs Steamrollers

You know you lost your Fantasy matchup if...

1) Matt Cassel is the stronger QB
2) Your 2 RBs combine for the same points as one of the other guys' RBs
3) The 2 highest scoring players were left on the bench.
4) Your first round pick is on a bye, but you don't care because he's been benched!
5) You're playing the Steamrollers!

You know you won your Fantasy matchup if...

1) You have the highest point total of anyone that week.
2) Your Johnsons are playing bigger than their Johnson.
3) Your first round pick is on a bye, but you don't care because you have better options!
4) Your top scorer outscores their top 2 scorers.
5) You're playing the Namis.

- Sei

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Nelsons smack the crap out of the Surf Riders (145-80)

After a promising start to the 2008 season, the OBSR are in a severe tailspin, having lost four straight. The Riders basically suck at this point in the season thanks in part to injuries, the credit crisis, crappy players, falling gas prices, unemployment, and even crappier coaching. Talk about a crapper of a game. Kanako didn't even need her starting lineup for this so-called game, even though QBs Warner and Ferrote combined for 46 points, 5 TDs, and 524 yards and RB Brandon Jacobs rumbled his way to 227 yards, a TD, and 22 points. That's because Kanako's bench (93 points) alone outscored the starting lineup of the Surf Riders. An even more sobering statistic was that Nelsons starting TE Owen frickin' Daniels scored more more points than any of the OBSR. How badly must your team suck when the opposing team's TE produces more points than either of your starting RB or WR combos?!?! Hey OBSR, how about producing some points for a change, as opposed to all those damn goose eggs filling up the bench? Maybe we should release all the poultry and stick your underperforming butts in cages . . .

And to add insult to injury, the SF voters defeated Prop. K. So what the hell is Coach Moy now supposed to do on Saturday nights????????

- Glen

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NSC Annihilators 108 Arcadia Bobcats of Crocker Highlands at Maxwell Park 101

yea all haterz jus shut up, bobcatz hot and dey got talent!!!!!!! so u can shove that. voting this chump of the week 3x. damn right to ask what the deal is. I wouldnt want to set my lineups for haters that doesnt wanna hear what i have to say. NSC atcing like a SPOILED CHILD that has power over the parents, winning by seven pts. over bobcats. Being the winning team does not mean u can do whatever u want. it means doing the right thing for the league even tho is not what u want. Bobcatz did the right thing taking it easy for a week, but NSC had a bug up her ass. She tried to tell Peyton Manning he had to score all those points and I sorry if you disagree but Right On Calvin Johnson i would have done the same thing, rest of the Bobcats was not sticking up for themselves but tring to lay the blame on someone other then themselves and it is kinda funny I'll be nominated for COTW this week...lol...Bobcatz will be fine they still got Jay Cutler and Braylon Edwards so the best are still there.

- Peter Schoewe

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Slayers defeat Mother Tuckers (104-87)

Oh, my team was a COTW award waiting to happen. Not only did I have Cedric Benson (22) in my line-up on Saturday, but I switched him out on Sunday morning in favor of Kevin Faulk (13). My buffoonery also extended to my selections at wide receiver. I foolishly made some last minute wire waiver pick up’s of Devin Hester (6) and Matt Jones (10). I benched Reggie Wayne (13) and Chad Johnson (18). Mercifully, my bad coaching wasn’t enough to deter the Mother Tuckers from sucking themselves. Joe’s squad could only produce 87 points (and only 34 on his bench). Sometimes it’s just better to have a good match-up than to be a good coach.

Slayer playa’s: Thomas Jones (21), Aaron Rodgers (14), Giants D (14)

MoTu’s studs: Marc Bulger (17), Earnest Graham (14), Jags D (13)

Slayer suckage: Brett Favre (4), Ryan Longwell (4)

MoTu’s badness: Bo Scaife (3), Sean Breaston (4)

I guess this week I gotta tender my vote for Pete again. Pete is the Obama of the COTW election. Hey Pete, is Africa a continent?

- Scott

Week 8 - 2008 Recaps!

2008-10-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

Battlin' Buffys vs Gypsy Cats

One owner kept his faith in LT and was rewarded with 28pts. The other owner started Jay Cutler on a bye and got nada.

One owner saw that Matt Schaub and Houston actually has an offense this year, and was rewarded with 27pts. The other owner started Steven Jackson on a bye and got zilch.

One owner saw that even though Dallas Clark hadn't gotten TD's, he was getting lots of receptions and was rewarded with 26pts. The other owner started the Bears D on a bye and got zippo.

One owner won the game to stay very much in the playoff hunt. The other owner would've won if he had just started players who weren't on a bye.

One owner is walking the walk as well as talking the talk. The other owner walking and talking his way to a league leading 3rd COTW.

- Sei

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Annihilators def. the Tuckers (118 - 118)

Ooof - talk about the agony of defeat. The Tuckers were unable to halt their four game skid despite tying Christine's offspring on Sunday. How is that possible you ask? Perhaps Glen's slow internal plumbing is affecting his cognitive abilities you wonder? Nope. MML rules state that in the case of a tie, the win goes to the team with more reserve points. So much to Joe's chagrin, 64 beats 36 in this mathematical reality.

The 'Nihilators had a triple, twenty point threat in Week 8. Roddy "Michael Who" White powered Team Kim, thanks to a 113 yard, 2 TD, and 28 point performance. Christine's QB combo had a pretty good day as well, with Philip "Moon" Rivers and Peyton Manning combining for 564 yards, 5 TDs, and 49 big ones. Still all was not well on the NSCA sidelines, as Jason "Hurry Back Tony" Witten and Derrick "Flacco What" Mason laid a pair of goose eggs. Still Christine had plenty of firepower securing some quality pine time, as Anquan Boldin and Mewelde Moore amassed 48 points between them.

The JMT were led by Drew "Cool" Brees, who tossed in 339 yards, 3 TDs, 29 points from across "the Pond" (as English Melissa likes to calls it). Meanwhile, DeAngelo Williams rumbled to 108 yards, a TD, and 24 points stateside and Dwayne Bowe was on the receiving end of 102 yards and 14 points. Unfortunately Joe got a big, steamin' bowl of jack from T.O., Roethlisberger, and Scaife. Unfortunately for the Tuckers, that bowl of jack was accompanied by a big L, pushing them just that much closer to the cellar of the Cripps Division.

- Glen

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The Nelsons 122 Bay City Steamrollers 155

I drove into San Francisco today to give a last minute presentation at a fundraising conference, for which I felt completely unprepared. As I sit down at my computer to right this recap, I have somewhat the same feeling. My team left over 100 points sitting on the bench, while both the Nelsons and the Steamrollers left a mere 30. Sei's team had few holes, with Frank Gore, Andre Johnson and Antonio Gates all breaking 20 points. That gave him the highest point total of the week. Kanako just couldn't match the Steamrollers' fire power. I must say, however, that it brings back fond memories, memories from the first year of the Montana Mile League, memories of when we were all so much less jaded about football and the world, and when we could still be thrilled by a simple game between to rivals on Monday night ... yes, I am reminded of all this, all those fond memories, when I see the Nelsons starting Kerry Collins. Or am I just remembering all the crap I took for drafting him in an early round that year.

- Peter Schoewe

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Sluts defeat the Surf Riders (146 – 102)

The Sluts allure was too much for the Surf Riders to resist. Westbrook shot his load early with 43 fantasy points, but that premature ejaculation was not enough to inspire the rest of Glen’s boys. The Surf Riders proved unworthy to swim against the tide and penetrate any of the Sluts defense. Glen only had 4 players in double digits, and besides Westbrook, his higher scoring playa’ was Eli Manning with 13 points. Withering on his bench was Kevin Walter (22) and Jamal Lewis (19). Sadly, those 41 points wouldn’t have made a difference in the outcome of his team’s impotence.

Just like Jodie Foster in “the Brave One”, Melissa came out guns a blazing. Only 2 starters were under 10 points, and she saw nice games from Steve Smith (28), Marshawn Lynch (20) and Jake Delhomme (18). Her bench even scored 74 points! That being said, she made all the right moves with her starting line-up. 2nd highest points of the week and she emerges the victor. To the victor goes the spoil. The Sluts move into 2nd place in the Bloods Division. That’s quite a comeback after starting the season 0-2.

- Scott

Week 7 - 2008 Recaps!

2008-10-23T13:42:00.001-07:00

Gypsy Cats vs the OBSR

Coming into Week 7, this game was the easiest to call. At 4-2, the Surf Riders were once again showing that they were one of the elite clubs, leading the Bloods Division and jockeying for a First Round bye. At 1-5 with the lowest point total of any team, the Gypsy Cats were the Cincinnati Bengals of the MMFL—slightly dazed and trying to figure out how this promising season had gone oh so wrong so quickly. Going in, I would’ve given Glen a 30pt spread on this game.

Which goes to show, I shouldn’t quit my day job to start wagering on sports.

So not only did Pete win, he thoroughly spanked Glen. This is one of those stars aligning moments—Pete manages to come up with the high score of the week in a week where Glen ekes out the lowest point total. Pete had a solid lineup, led by Steven Jackson (44), and 3 players at 25 (Calvin “Don’t Call Me Ocho” Johnson, Bears D and Willis “What You Talkin’ About” McGahee). Glen was dragged down Tony Romo being hurt and by Marvin Harrison w/1 pt. I remember saying at some point that Starvin’ Marvin was going to kick it into high gear at some point, but with the season almost halfway over, it may not be fast enough to save Glen.

- Sei

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Bay City Steamrollers flatten Sunnyvale Slayers (168-117)

The Steamrollers gained sole possession of first place in the Bloods Division thanks to a high scoring, balanced attack in Week 7 and one serious weakass performance by division rivals OBSR. Coach Lee's wrecking crew was led offensively by its RB tandem of Chris Johnson and Adrian "Should Have Traded for Me" Peterson. Johnson ran all over the KC Chiefs on his way to 168 rushing yards, a TD, and a career day. Meanwhile, Peterson shook off pre-game rumors that Coach Lee was shopping him around for a starting QB and turned in a 121 yard, 2 TD, 31 point performance. The Steamroller receiving corp followed up this onslaught with a bitch slapping of their own. Andre Johnson, Lee Evans, and Bernard Berrian combined for over 300 yards, 2 TDs, 21 first downs, and 63 points.

On the other side of the gridiron, the Commish just couldn't muster enough firepower from his gang of Sarah Michelle Gellar-worshipping, vampire-hunting killers. LaDainian "Ouch My Toe" Tomlinson hobbled his way to a mediocre 10 point performance, while Reggie "Right About Now I'll Take Eli" Wayne could barely manage 3 points. RB Thomas Jones and QB Matt Schaub tried their best to secure a win for Scott, amassing 429 yards, 2 TDs, and 41 points. Alas the rest of the Slayers were too busy catching up on reruns of Buffy to make a game of it. As for Jerrico Cotchery, not sure what he ate for his pre-game meal, but it produced one steamin' pile of jack shit.

Still no need to fret over whether Scott will get this week's COTW. I've got that clearly sewn up . . .

- Glen

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Joe's Mother Tuckers 101 The Nelsons 139

Pity the Nelsons. They have the highest point total in the Sanguine Division, but they are in the basement in the standings. This week, they begin to show some life, with Brandon Jacobs, Clinton Portis and Randy Moss (yes, Randy Moss) firing on all cylinders. Kanako showed excellent coaching ability, leaving only a few points on her bench. Meanwhile, the Mother Tuckers need to be very afraid of an angry, hungry and resurgent Bobcats crew. The MoTus only lacklusterly crossed the century mark, with Roy Williams proving to be an exceptionally bad choice to fill the flex position. As week 8 approaches, are we about to see a radical realignment of the standings in the Snoop Dog Division?

- Peter Schoewe

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The Sluts defeat the Annihilators (139-120)

I hate repeating myself, but to re-quote Bill Shakespeare, “the woman doth protest too much.” Saturday night I was discussing FF with Melissa while slicing fresh mozzarella courtesy of Toby (who is awesome, btw). Melissa was dismissive of her chances of winning. I’ll paraphrase what she said: “it doesn’t matter, I’m not going to win because I’m playing Christine.” For that fact alone, I should exercise my power as Commish and give Christine the win – it was almost like conceding the match. No matter what a coach might think in his/her heart, one should always present an aura of confidence . . . not only to the players, but to the other teams they are competing with. So next time I ask any of you what you think your chances are, optimism is a recommended response.

Perhaps I am not giving Melissa enough credit – she could have been using a reverse curse or bizarre jinx. I dunno. Anyway, she put up 139 points behind stellar performances from waiver wire RB Rhodes (30), Steve Smith (23), and 18 points a piece from Marshawn Lynch and Jake Delhomme (I couldn’t have made up better names if I tried). Christine received a solid 40 points from Mewelde Moore (yet another great name!) and 20 from Marion Barber (the great names continue). The 3 points she got from Peyton Manning didn’t help matters, not to mention the fact that she started Marques Colston who I don’t believe was even suited up for this game. That being said, if you look at her bench, she had a ton of players on a bye week. But couldn’t she have dropped someone for a wide receiver? Glen thinks he deserves the COTW, but I’m going with Christine (sorry Christine!).

- Scott

Week 6 - 2008 Recaps!

2008-10-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

SF Sluts vs Gypsy Cats

This week’s version of the Toilet Bowl, with the 2-3 Floozys going up against the 1-4 Itinerant Felines. And this is one game that lived up to its billing, with the 2 teams combining for the lowest point totals of any teams this week.

The Tramps sashayed their way to victory, in part because the Larry Johnson and Marshawn Lynch bye weeks made it hard to repeat the mistake of last week, of sitting Forte and Hightower. But probably the biggest difference for the Whores between this week and last was a weaker opponent. The Wandering Lynxes continue to have the lowest point total in the league and have lost 5 games in a row.

The matchup was pretty much over by the end of Sunday, with the Slatterns leading by 37, but Braylon Edward did make it interesting, putting up a solid 27 pts. Looking ahead, that maybe the most important event of this week for both teams. If the Derek Anderson-Braylon Edward connection starts clicking again, that gives a huge shot in the arm for the Jezebels (who can finally sit Matt Cassel) and the Lost Lesser Lions (who can sit the highly unpredictable Santana Moss).

- Sei

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Nihilators Send the Nelsons to the Vet (164 - 130)

Christine's Annihilators tightened their grip on the Cripps Division with a 34 point drubbing of the Nelsons and extended their winning streak to a league best five in row. Leading the way for the gridiron gang from Silver Terrace were Philip Rivers and Peyton "In Every Commercial" Manning, who combined for 6 TDS, 577 passing yards, and 55 fantasy points. Meanwhile, Marion "Animal" Barber trampled over the Nelsons on his way to 173 all purpose yards, 1 TD, and 27 points. Not to be outdone, Roddy White recorded his third straigtht 100+ yard game and was on the receiving end of a TD, 6 first downs, and a not too shabby 23 points. The final score could have been much worse if Coach Kim had decided not to bench Maurice "I Need a Pair of Tweezers" Jones-Drew and his team leading 33 points. But somebody had to watch Nicholas and Siena . . .

On the other side of the gridiron, the Nelsons produced their third 130+ point game of the 2008 season. But unfortunately that has only netted them just one win and that was last week versus the Bobcats. Clinton "I Got the Funk" Portis had a game high 34 points, thanks to 129 rushing yards, 2 TDs, and 9 first downs. And while his teammates turned in solid performances in Week 6, it just wasn't enough to overcome the offensive onslaught of the NSCA. There's not much you can do when your opponent's defense outscores all but one of your players. And both of your QBs are older than dirt and about as mobile. As for perennial Nelson veteran Randy Moss, he clearly needs a hug from Giselle Bundchen. But then again who couldn't use a pick-me-upper from a Brazilian super model?

- Glen

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Ocean Beach Surf Riders 106 Sunnyvale Slayers 124

This was the battle of "Who Can Leave the Most Points on My Bench." Scott, the victor both in the final game tally and in the amount of points left wasting on the bench, seems to have determined his starting quarterbacks by asking, "Have you ever accepted a snap playing for the home team at Lambeau Field," leaving Matt Schaub's 24 points sitting on the bench. Over at Ocean Beach, Glen asked his running backs, "Have you ever broken a single game rushing record?" When Jamal Lewis raised his hand, the hapless coach sent him and his 20 points to the bench. He then asked his wide receivers, "Which one of you was the fourth player in NFL history to record 1000 receptions?" Marvin Harrison stood up with a concerned look on this face -- and Glen again pointed the way to the bench. T.J. Houshmandzadeh clicked his heels with delight!

- Peter Schoewe

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Steamrollers defeat Mother Tuckers (143 - 101)

Re: Troopergate - Sarah Palin didn't abuse her power and was 100% exonerated from any wrong doing. Did you also know that up is down? Right is wrong? And black is indeed white? Well evidentally this Bizarro world that Palin lives in seems to have rubbed off on this particular fantasy. Jamarcus Russell outscored Joseph Addai (granted 3-0). But still, doesn't that seem a little peculiar? Bernard Berrian (22) outscored Terrell Owens (6). Hmm, I'm sensing a pattern. That would be that Sei's team outscored Joe's team.

Joe got a nice game from Drew Brees (28) and Steve Breaston (21), but with only 4 players in double figures and not being matched up against the Bobcats, it just wasn't enough to eek out the victory. Sei's more balanced attack was highlighted by Andre Johnson (26), Berrian (22), McNabb (19), and Ronnie Brown (19). In fact, only two of Sei's starting ten scored below double digits. Did I mention that he started Jamarcus Russell at QB?

And what Bizarro world would be complete without at least my own tacit admission: I'm gay and voting for John McCain.

- Scott

Week 5 - 2008 Recaps!

2008-10-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

S-Bowl: Sunny Slayers vs the SF Sluts

From the home office in Ashland, Montana, Top 10 Reasons Why the Namis Got Spanked (Even though her Parents Don't Believe in that Sort of Thing).

10) They started a guy named "Moose," expecting him to run fast.
9) Their #1 pick, Larry Johnson, got 0 pts from 72 inches of rushing!
8) The power of the player formerly known as Chad Johnson goes beyond his 7 points.
7) If Matt Cassel wasn't good enough to start at USC, he isn't good enough to wear "Sluts" on his jersey.
6) Their leading scorer was their TE.
5) Unlike previous years, Individual Punt Returns count.
4) They were up against masters of the Dark Arts.
3) Cute just doesn't win football games.
2) You're not going to beat a team with 2 Reggies in October.

And the number 1 reason the Namis got spanked…

1) Choosing RB's was never Nami's Forte!

- Sei

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The Nelsons crush the 'Cats (185 - 80)

The Nelsons opened up one serious can of whoop ass in Week 5 on their way to their first win of the season. The unfortunate recipient of all that pent up hostility were Pete's Bobcats. Game factoid #1: The Nelsons' margin of victory was 105 points. Game factoid #2: Five of the Nelsons scored 20+ points, led by Brandon Jacobs and his 136 rushing yards, 2 TDs, and 34 points. Game factoid #3: Kan's kicker outscored all but three of Pete's 'Cats. Game factoid #4: The Bobcats had the lowest point total of any MML team in Week 5.

All that adds up to a much needed victory for the Canines from Visitacion Valley and a miserable week best forgotten for the Cats from wherever the heck they are.

- Glen

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Joe's Mother Tuckers 97 Ocean Beach Surf Riders 139

The Mother Tuckers continue their downward spiral, but could have easily beaten the Surf Riders by trading Kitna's 0 points for Roethlisberger's 26 and Earnest Graham's 10 for DeAngelo Williams’ 38. I didn't even realize that Kyle Orton was the starting quarterback for the Bears, but here I see he garnered 25 points sitting on Glen's bench. Makes me yearn for a crisp autumn day spent at Soldier Field. Ah, natsukashii!

- Peter Schoewe

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NSC (125) defeat Steamrollers (99)

I guess we know who wears the pants in this family! Sei got no help from his quarterbacking tandem of Trent Edwards and McNabb – 6 total points (not that his Hasselbeck (1) would have helped either). On the bench side, Ronnie Brown (28) had another monster week, as did Steve Slaton (26). Too bad in this league you can’t start a RB in your flex. I wonder who’s fault that is (hint: his first name rhymes with gay). All of this

On the other hand, Christine once again had a well balanced offensive attack. 6 players in double figures: 25 from Michael “I’m better and healthier than LT” Turner and 23 from Rowdy Roddy White. Her reliance on the Atlanta Falcons offense might be her undoing. Even a goose egg from the Bills defense was not enough to stop the Annihilators – she administered a fantasy enema on her unsuspecting husband. Sei has left a trail of anal leakage in her wake.

- Scott

Week 4 - 2008 Recaps!

2008-10-02T07:58:00.000-07:00

Sluts vs Tuckers

And then there were none. Not only did both undefeated teams (Surf Riders and Tuckers) lose this week, they had the lowest point totals of anyone. Kind’ve disappointing since if they’d both won, they would’ve met in Week 5 in a battle of the unbeatens.

The Tuckers put up a respectable 110, but they were overwhelmed by the Waves who led all teams w/154. The White Turds had a balanced attack w/8 players in double digits, led by a resurgent Larry Johnson w/37. The Tuckers were hampered by Ryan “I used to be good last year” Grant (1 pt) and Alge “Goldfish eat me for Breakfast” Crumpler (0 pts).

In fact, it’s pretty amazing to me that the Tuckers had won 3 games before this week. Their lineup is almost a who’s who of fantasy disappointments so far: Addai, Ryan Grant, Javon Walker, Roy “I’m Playing like a Middle-Aged White Basketball Coach” Williams, Tavaris and Kitna. My question is why is the Tuckers front office holding onto some of these players, like Tavaris Jackson. On the other side, the Sluts have managed to overcome the loss of Mr Bundchen, with solid play from the RB and WR positions. If they can get a little bit of traction at the QB spot, they could go wicked faahr.

Plenty o’ intriguing matchups this week. Besides the Almost Undefeated Bowl, there will be the House Divided Bowl (will Sei get Annihilated? Will Christine get Steamrolled?), the Toilet Bowl (winless Nellies and the lowest point total Gypsy Cats) and the S-Bowl (not super, just Sunny Slayers vs SF Sluts).

- Sei

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Scott's South Bay Slayers def. Good Ol' Nellie (149-137)

Unlike a certain team that was unable to break the century mark this week, neither the Slayers nor the Nelsons came down with a case of cantscoreadamnthingitis. The two interdivision foes produced a point fest for the ages (or at least Week 4). But despite a 3 TD, 104 yards, 34 point performance from Laveranues "Chad Who?" Coles, the beloved pooch of the Takeda-Van Cleave clan wasn't able to snatch a much needed W from the jaws of defeat and remove Team Takeda from the ranks of the winless. Who could have done this to poor ol' Nellie you ask? Look no further than Brett "I Still Got It" Favre, who threw for 6 TDs and 289 yards on his way to a whopping 43 points. On the receiving end of two of those TDs was Jerricho Cotchery (who chipped in 21 points), while LT rumbled for 106 yards, 2 TD, and 24 points. That was enough to secure a win for the Commish.

But look on the brighside Kan, you play Pete this coming week . . .

- Glen

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Ocean Beach Surf Riders 87, NSC Annihilators 124

How you say ... huzzah! The Annihilators romp to another victory, this time swamping the hapless surfriders. Even J.T. O'Sullivan contributed a junior varsity 10 points to the NSC tally, with Anquan Boldin and Jason Witten doing the heavy lifting.

Glen was stuck in the Pacifica fog. Tony Romo and Jamal Lewis did the yeoman's work in rounding up points, but bye week troubles led to a disconcerting number of goose eggs in the Surfrider's detailed score.

I know many people may be tempted to vote the Bobcats chump of the week again. But I ask you which is worse: forgetting to set your lineups because of a terrible car accident ... or being such a poor coach you don't account for the bye in your season's plans?

The question answers itself. Vote your conscience when you vote for COTW, and don't be swayed by any propaganda coming from the Ocean Beach camp.

- Peter Schoewe

Steamrollers defeat Bobcats (137-115)

OMG! This game was like, so bitchin’! Well, not really. I’ll cut Pete a little bit of slack, he did get into a auto accident on Saturday and was posed with the moral dilemma of having to deport an unlicensed illegal alien and deal with a wrecked motor car. That being said, I still believe his qualifications for COTW are still very much in play. Given his Saturday night quandary, Pete completely forgot about setting his line-up. The result? Well, he ended up starting 2 players on bye weeks (Maroney and Calvin Johnson). Had he set his line-up, would he have made up the 22 points he lost by? Let’s see….

Michael Bush – 16 points

Willis McGahee – 8 points

Pete would have probably started McGahee – so let’s say 8 points there. That leaves a deficit of 14 points. That brings us to his vacancy at WR….

Todd Heap – bye week

Santana Moss – 20 points

‘nuff said. Lost in the haze of auto insurance claims and sore necks, Pete did get a great performance out of Stephen Jackson (31) and David Garrard (26). Alas, a 6 point victory was stolen from his grasp upon being rear ended by a non-English speaking gentleman who didn’t even bother getting out of the front seat of his motorized carriage.

The Steamrollers felt redemption this week – after last week when Sei was “technically” ahead by virtue of a tie-breaker after the Monday night game, only to see the cruel gods of fate grant his opponent 3 points overnight by virtue of late reported first downs! Balance was the name of the game this week for his roster, 8 players in double digits, headlined by 24 from Adrian Peterson and 19 from DeSean Jackson. At 3-1 and with the most points in his division, this Steamroller is looking to squash every opponent who gets in his way.

And this picture warrants sharing:

Have you seen Scarlett’s new shoes? Well neither has she. Wakka wakka.

- Commish

Week 7 in the MML

2006-10-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

Week 7 in the MML saw the re-emergence of fantasy studs like Hines Ward, the departure again of fantasty duds (hint: ryhmes with 'clown'), and much to the delight of many an owner strong performances from a plethora of tight ends. So tear yourself away from the Project Runway finale rerun, put away that DVD of BSG 2.5, pour yourself a cold one, and read about the week that was (or wasn't for some of you unforunate few) . . .

SF SLUTS def. SCALPIN' SAVAGES (97 - 71)
Kevin's Savages have been anything but this season and going into Sunday's matchup were in the midst of a five game losing streak. Uh make that now a six game winless streak. While the Johnson triplets (Rudi, Andre, and Bryant) combined for 298 yards, 1 TD, and 37 points, the Savages just didn't have enough firepower to overcome their horizontally-inclined opponents from the Jerry Ricer division. All season long, Sluts WR Hines "Like the Ketchup, Only Spelled Differently" Ward has desperately been in search of a hamstring and a QB. Well Ward found both in Hotlanta this week, amassing 171 yards, 3 TDs, and 38 oh so valuable points. Ward's explosion, combined with strong performances from Carson Palmer (16 points) and Kevin Jones (18 points) and a Tony Gonzalez sighting, helped the Sluts rebound from last week's bitter loss to the Blackouts. Now if they can only find a hammy for Donte Stallworth . . .

TUCKERS def. STEAMROLLERS (78 - 63)
Joe's gridiron gang maintained their share of first place atop the OJ Simpson division with a win Sunday over their cross-Bay opponent, the Steamrollers. This week the JMT were led by Tatum "The Other" Bell, who ambled his way to 115 yards, 1 TD, and 19 points. And although WR Steve Smith didn't find the endzone in Cincinnati, he still managed 8 receptions, 126 yards, and 15 points. The Tuckers' bench was pretty busy Sunday as well, as the combo of Brunell, Brown, Vinatieri, and "The Molester" stockpiled 77 points for the coming winter. Not to be outdone however, the Steamroller's bench came up with 80 points of their own. Unfortunately for Sei, that was more points than what his starting eight could come up with. As for the 'Rollers that took the field . . . well let's just say that Sei's experimentation with duality isn't working out. The Williams boys (no relation) could only muster a pathetic 9 points, while the ex-Miami Hurricanes TE combo of Shockey and "I'm an Ass" Winslow wasn't much better (12 points). Maybe Sei can start the Manning clan instead . . .

BOBCATS def. BEATLES (115 - 57)
This matchup wasn't even a contest, as the Beatles themselves were infested with the bye week blues. There was plenty of space on Bill's bench this week to lay down, stretch out, and nap, as most of the Beatles (including a couple of starters) apparently were on a sojourn to our nation's capital with Pete. While WR Randy "I Miss Minnesota" Moss reminded the few fans that actually were in the stands of his former All-Pro days with 129 yards, 1 TD, and 20 points, it wasn't nearly enough this Sunday. Despite their coach being MIA, the 'Cats put on an impressive 100+ point performance, something Bobcat fans hadn't seen since Week 3. The team was led by Brian Westbrook, who had over 100 yards rushing and receiving, while collecting a TD and 30 points in the process. Meanwhile, LT zigged and zagged for 2 TDs and 20 points and Joey Harrington threw for over 400 yards and 22 points. The Cats were so busy racking up points that they didn't notice the puzzingly appearance of Curtis "Ouch My Knee Hurts" Martin on the bench.

MANHANDLERS def. JUGGERNAUGHTS (104 - 85)
The story of this gridiron battle was that somehow Alge "Big Ass" Crumpler managed to haul his 262 lbs. downfield for 117 yards, 3 TDs, and 30 points. But the 'Naughts tripped over RB Willie Parker's doughnut on their way to victory, did a face plant into the turf, and instead watched helplessly as Kanako's Man-Violators ran off with another W. Matt coulda eeked out a victory if he had started Delhomme and Dillon instead. But woulda, coulda, shoulda doesn't get it done between the hashmarks. As usual, the boys from the Mission were led by the tandemn of LJ (26 points) and Marvelous Marvin (21 points). Recent pickup - the G-men defense - managed to smack 22 points out of the 'Boys Monday night, while T.O. shut his yap long enough to come up with a TD and 15 points to help secure the win.

SURFERS def. WILD THINGS (83 - 52)
Ever since Chief Wild Thing Mr. Fred traded in his cleats and beer mug for domestic bliss, the 'Wild' in RRWT has been nowhere to be found. The Things' offense produced a Schoewe-like anemic 52 points in Week 7 as QB Tom Brady (15 points) was the only wild Thing to even score in double digits. Meanwhile Joey Galloway, Edgerrin James, and the rest of the team skipped out by halftime, heading instead to the recently reopened National Portrait Gallery with the Bobcats owner. Across the gridiron, Surf Riders' QB DMcNabb continuted his TD-throwing ways, tossing 5 TDs this past Sunday. Unfortunately two of them were to doppelganager CB Ronde "The Good Looking One" Barber. Still McNabb's 302 yards and 30 points once again kept the Ocean Beach boys one step ahead of Kanako's dreaded Man-Violators.

BLACKOUTS def. SLAYERS (76 - 63)
It's been a long season so far for Commish Lee as he's juggled his lineup week after week in search of that elusive group of productive players. Much to his chagrin, the Slayers team that took the field Sunday wasn't up to the task. Coming off an impressive Monday night performance against the Bears, QB Matt "10" Leinart seemed like a sure thing, going against an awful Raiders team. Alas Leinart in typical rookie fashion shat a 'chocolate smoothie' on Scott's hopes and dreams, managing just one frickin point. Only WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh and TE Antonio Gates managed to keep the Slayers in the game, thanks to 2TDs, 124 yards, and 32 points between them. Ron's Blackouts meanwhile were paced by Reggie Wayne's 20 points and 15 points apiece from Javon Walker and the Broncos D. With the W, the Blackouts maintained their firm grasp on the Crystal Gayle Sayers division and a share of the MML's best record.

Well there you have it - the Week 7 recap. Finito.

Week 6 Recap: Day, Dollar, College Try

2006-10-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

I am writing from the city of Washington D.C., in the historic Mayflower Hotel, which traditionally hosts the Presidential Inaugural Balls. I must admit that I have not paid as close attention to fantasy football this year as I have in previous years, and I am far from the comforts of home in the midst of travel for work, so I cannot recap with the same verve and passion I have in the past. I ask you to read with indulgence, and to decide in your mind not whether I deserve the laurels of best recap of the year, but if I have somehow avoided the worst. I know I have already achieved the latest.

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 72 at Rolling Rock WildThings 75

The Savages seem to have no shortage of high scoring players; it’s a pity that they are both quarterbacks (and starts me thinking that I should offer a trade). But to lose to the WildThings is quite startling, even for a team that is more known for its empty braggadocio than its talent on the field. J.P. Losman (ha!) and Anquan Boldin were not to be denied this week—I give them their victory with a flourish of my hand to say “Well done!”

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 115 at Sunnyvale Slayers 104

I have no idea who “B. Gradowski” is, and my computer is running so slow I don’t want to click on the link. But that phantom quarterback helped the Slayers rise to over a mighty 100 points, with a well-rounded performance from all starters, including an additional mystery player named “M. Colston.” How sad that Tiki Barber and Tory Holt said “nothing doing” to the newly resurgent Slayers, with a combined point total higher than our lowest scoring team’s entire tally.

SF Sluts 77 at Rolling Blackouts 77

A tie decided by the bench goes to the Blackouts. As I look at this uninspiring match-up, I wonder—should I go to the National Gallery of Art tomorrow, or to the National Portrait Gallery, which just opened after being closed for six years. Because I didn’t even know that the Portrait Gallery was closed, its reopening probably isn’t enough to tip the scales. Hmmmm.

The Juggernauts 75 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 117

Joe’s Mother Tuckers need to slow down a bit. They’ve managed to push the Bobcats out of first in what will always be the Nagurski Division to me. It is nice to see such a well-rounded performance, however, with double digit point totals from all players except for Plaxico Burress. Putting Reggie Brown in his place would have resulted in a truly awesome score. The Juggs on the other hand? It’s lucky Matt traded Fitzgerald for Willie Parker!

Bay City Steamrollers 95 at Arcadia Bobcats of Crocker Highlands 87

I am mad at myself. All week I have been alternating between sorrow and rage. How could I unthinkingly bench Coles for Cotchery, just because of that red cross beside his name? Had I played Coles I would have won handily, beating the Steamrollers so black and blue they would have pleaded for the soothing arms of a “silver phoenix.” I stand before you like an over-eager Mr. Fred, to plead with you, please give me chump of the week, so I may take some pride in my shame. (I added Josh McCown back to my bench, because as soon as I dropped him my team hit the skids—and what’s fantasy football without a little superstition. But, alas, all the Detroit mojo was channeled directly to Roy Williams and his 27 points, all at the hands of the Kitna carpetbagger.)

Mission Manhandlers 98 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 49

A big minus eight points from Rex Grossman. That’s the story of this game, other than the fact that suicide attempts make for some good football. I watched a very creepy 20/20 last night—that actually showed people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge to their deaths. For the sake of his friends and family, I hope Owens gets some good counseling!

Again, I apologize for the lack of inspiration in this recap. Perhaps later in the season, when I’m in a more settled frame of mind, I’ll do better. But remember
this, my word is good as gold!

POSTSCRIPT: Blogger died tonight for a couple hours, delaying this post even more. But I took the opportunity to walk around the White House and ponder the state of the nation.

Week 5 Recap: Freud, Fratricide, and a Fallen Fitzgerald

2006-10-13T05:40:00.000-07:00

It’s snowing in Chicago as I type this, and Halloween is still a couple weeks away. I love the unpredictability of fall, the protean sway of the seasons, the topsy-turvy world of fantasy football, the tense vacillation of emotions from one game to the next...at least until next week, when reality sets in and I come to the terrifying conclusion that my team royally sucks.

But really, has there ever been a season like this? Former whipping-boys and general ass-clowns, the Chicago Bears, look as dominant as they’ve been since they shuffled their way to a Super Bowl championship. The Pittsburgh Steelers, defending champions captained by a walking hospital chart, are circling the bowl, and the Seattle Seahawks, the Super Bowl runners-up who blamed their loss on the refs, look to have had their wings clipped.

In the MMFL, the situation is equally as confusing. The Savages, perennial powerhouses to be sure, seem to be caught in the grip of a peyote trance. And Matt’s Juggs have as much chance of winning a championship as Cory Lidle does of winning the Cy Young. Really, no team seems all that impressive, especially after this low-scoring outing...then again, this is only Week 5.

I’ve postponed the agony long enough...we’ll get the brutal stuff over with right away. It’ll be just like pulling off a band aid. One...two...

Three...

Cali Buffys (87) defeat Noble Savages (67)

This wasn’t much of a competition. The combined onslaught of the Eagles D’ (23), Greg Jennings (17), and Antonio Gates (11) were the fantasy-football equivalent of a covered-wagon full of smallpox blankets. Um, we altered the scoring for Defenses, right? Right??

Regardless, my team isn’t looking so good. For starters, I have more younger guys in my lineup than Mark Foley does in his rolodex...the only difference is, mine just aren’t putting out. Still, my team performed better than expected, especially considering the injury to Larry "Black Irish" Fitzgerald. My ethnic brother caught two receptions for 15 yards, one touchdown, and a hamstring injury. Philip "Young Man" Rivers did surprisingly well (15) considering the defense he was facing, Maurice Jones-Drew (why he decided to keep his maiden name, I don’t know) is a diamond-in-the-rough, posting two touchdowns and 14 points. I’m still having issues at tight end, since Chris Baker decided to take a nap, and missed the game entirely.
Anyway, with five of my eight starters on a bye this week, my goal wasn’t so much to win as it was to not break the record of fewest points scored in a MMFL game...a record still held by the 03’ Tundra Titans, whose 26 points against the Jefferson Park Aces remain a monument to futility. Matt’s QB’s that year were Kyle Boller and Tim Couch. Wow.

Maybe Josh McCown wasn’t so bad after all.

No wait, he was.

Rolling Blackouts (77) defeat Surfer Dudes (76)

Ouch. The nail-biter of the week.

But close only counts in suicide bombs and horseshoes, and since the Surfers haven’t been hanging ten in the Persian Gulf, they’ll have to settle for a loss this week.
This really was a low-scoring week all around, as 77 points were enough to beat most squads. Pedestrian totals from Eli "Hide Your Heart Girl" Manning (12), DeShaun "Five Uninjured Weeks and Counting" Foster (13), and a solid Broncos D (13) helped carry the team, and Bernard Berrian (13) seems to be the early candidate for outstanding player no one ever heard of, or drafted.

The Surfer Dudes should take solace in the fact that they have fantasy football’s best player in Donovan McNabb (27). While they have a long list of underachieving WR’s, the core of Holt (10), Tiki (14), and McNabb should be enough to carry this team well into the playoffs, if not a championship. It’s certainly the most balanced team around.

Wild Thangs (75) defeat Sluts (64)

More disappointing performances from previous greats. For the Wildthings, Brady (14) and Edge (10), just ain’t what they used to be. Anquan (12) and Joey Galloway (16) helped their team limp to a rather uninspired victory. Jamal Lewis contributed three points in one of the most bland and frustratingly boring games ever played.
And the Sluts? Well, they sucked and sucked, and by week’s end they’d swallowed a brackish load of ineptitude. Granted, Carson was on a bye, but 16 points from Damon "Thank God Trent Green’s in a Coma" Huard have to be better than expected. Their problems lie elsewhere...actually, their problems lie everywhere else. LaMont Jordan’s (6 pts) rapid fall from grace and Kevin Jones’ (5) failure to even attain grace are simply killing this team. Drew Bennett contributed a big goose-egg after being injured, but his totals have fallen successively since week 1. Hines Ward (5 pts) hasn’t performed at all this season except for the first week, when he didn’t have Emergency Room VIP Big Ben throwing him the ball. The Steelers have faced some formidable defenses, though, and Ward’s numbers should pick up. If not for Jay Feely’s four field goals and an interception returned for a TD by the Panthers Defense, this game would have looked even worse. As it is, they’ve fallen from their heyday status of "high class call girl level" to somewhere between "waiting outside the VA hospital with a carton of latex gloves in their purse" and "moving into a convent because the action’s better."

Beatles (86) defeat Steamrollers (84)

Another close one. Peyton was ok (12), but fairly un-Manning against a team he should have destroyed. "Orange" Julius Jones (11) wasn’t bad, but "Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout?" Willis McGahee (6) points was the latest victim of another ferocious Bears Defense. Sei’s Steamrollers really lack a number 1 RB...which is ok, so long as you make up for your shortcomings at other positions. While Manning is who you want at QB, having the Williams Brotha’s at WR (especially when Deep Roy in D-town is injured) just isn’t going to cut it.

The Beatles, on the other hand, are the North Korea of the MML: they’re undeniably illogical, amusingly maniacal, and potentially dangerous. Year in and year out they continue to perform characteristically baffling maneuvers (like drafting Matt Hasslebeck in the 2nd round this year, drafting Ahman Green in the 2nd round last year, starting all Bears, etc.) and usually pose no real threat. Then one day we turn around, and they’ve suddenly developed a nuclear arsenal. In the Bears D (17), they have a lock for a weekly starter, and a guaranteed double-digit scorer. Rex Grossman (15) and Thomas Jones (14), are similar must-starts, as they continue to ride the wave of their easy schedule and dismantle weaker opponents. Robbie "Good As" Gould is a kicker who amasses receiver-like numbers (16 this week) and thus far looks like this year’s Neil Rackers...only better, and on a winning team.

Man Hands (74) defeat Mother Tuckers (67)

Poor Tuckers. Freud said: "All good men are dreamers, we grow great by our dreams." If that’s true, Drew Bledsoe must be an insomniac. I watched this game, and I kept thinking of that dodge ball scene in "Billy Madison" when Adam Sandler just dominates a bunch of miserable tykes, drilling them again and again as the game goes on. Drew looked about as hapless as those kids did, getting knocked around, throwing three interceptions and fumbling the ball once. He also scored one touchdown on the ground, which came as a surprise to many who, like me, just assumed the guy was incapable of running. You’d think a team with Steve Smith (8) and Plaxico Burress (15) would have some more formidable points at WR, but they were especially hampered by woeful totals from Clinton Portis (3), and the aforementioned Bumbling Bledsoe. Chester Taylor contributed 17 points in a valiant, but futile, effort.

Man Hands received solid numbers from usual stalwarts like Bulger (16) and L.J. (17). Ageless Marvin chipped in for ten, but could’ve done more. Terrell "Purposely Ingesting an Entire Bottle of Pills Is NOT a Suicide Attempt...Why Are You All Laughing At Me?" Owens (4) was basically worthless, and Santana Moss (4) continues to disappoint, and hasn’t really done much this season, his stellar Week 4 aside.

Kitty Cats (64) defeat Juggs (55)

Ah, the fraternal struggle. Every year, the Schoewe brothers do battle, and nearly every year Matt crawls away bruised, battered, and indignant. This year was no different.

There’s an episode of "The Simpsons" in which Homer inadvertently saves Springfield from nuclear disaster by blindly pressing the buttons on his control panel, thereby staving off a radioactive meltdown. At first, he’s lauded as a hero, but then it’s discovered that his triumphant moment of grace under pressure really amounted to nothing more than dumb luck. The phrase "pulling a Homer," is immediately introduced into the lexicon of "The Simpsons." There’s even a scene where an animated Magic Johnson (before he began dying a slow death...not from HIV, from his talk show) is shown dribbling the ball, tripping, nearly sliding into the crowd, and accidentally flipping the ball into the basket. "Looks like I pulled a Homer!" he announced, after the Lakers won the game.

After pulling a Homer week in and week out all the way to the playoffs last year, Peter’s team has done it again. Incidentally, I was going to propose changing the phrase to "pulling a Peter," but something about that sounded downright vulgar, so maybe we should leave it as is.

Anywhoo, the Kitty Cats scored only 64 points this week, which was just enough to lose to almost everyone, except for Matt (well, and the Sluts). As I mentioned in my draft recap, his RB tandem continues to be strong, with L.T. throwing down for 10 (low points for him, but enough), and Frank "Fumbler" Gore adding 15. But Laverne Coles (3) has fallen pretty far from the first week, thank you very much, and his totals have declined every week since. Cotchery (5) wasn’t much better. When you’re starting two Jets at WR, you’ve got issues. Kevin Curtis contributed nine while riding the pine, but those were his highest points of the season. Alex Smith (also on the bench) garnered 17, but I can’t blame Peter for sitting him after the dismal performance of -2 last week.

While Peter’s luck continued to hold, Matt’s woes only grew. Matt has the same luck I do...he always seems to start the wrong guys. He gives the nod to Addai...and receives a meager five points in return. Fast Willie (12) did his job...much better than Fitzgerald, I might add. Delhomme (9) continues to be a letdown, and Keyshawn (13) surprisingly hasn’t been bad. Meanwhile, the formerly-stalled Cadillac (13) and Travis Henry (13) were wasted on the bench. I think Matt should be sticking with Caddy, though he’s been somewhat disappointing, but I can’t criticize him for keeping Travis Henry out of the lineup. I mean, who the hell starts Travis Henry?

Much has already been said about Matt’s decision not to pick up a TE for a bye-week fill-in. I know he had some guys on the bench who were on bye’s already, who likely would’ve put him over the top any other week (D.Jack, for one). His argument was that there wasn’t anyone on his team he could’ve dropped to grab a scrub TE for the week...which is true, to a degree. But I think his mistake was bidding 1000 bucks for Maurice Morris, thereby forcing him to carve out a roster spot for him. Now, Matt’s almost obligated to keep the guy around, regardless of performance. The problem is, between Caddy, Travis Henry, Fast Willie, Addai, Dillon, AND Morris, Matt runs the risk of starting the wrong guys almost every week. He has too many options to choose from. Besides, even if he had picked up George Wrighster, or whomever, the stars wouldn’t have stood for it...somehow, someway, Peter’s luck would have won out.

And there it is.

Is It Just Me?

2006-10-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

No matter how many times I reload this page, the Week 5 Recap doesn't seem to pop up.

MML Week 4 Recap

2006-10-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

It was a busy and fun-filled week in the Montana Mile League, so let's just jump right into this week's recap. Roll the videotape please . . .

MISSION MANHANDLERS defeat ARCADIA BOBCATS (111 - 35)
The big news coming out of Bobcat's HQ in Crocker Highland this week was the sudden, mid-week dropping of backup QB Josh McCown. Yes MML observers, the very same fourth round draft pick that was the epitome of Peter's football "genius." The loss of McCown clearly stunned the 'Cats though. Coming into this Sunday's match, the Bobcats were averaging a MML best 101.3 points/game. In Week 4 however, they set a new 2006 league record for offensive futility. Thiry five frickin points!! Need we say more? The Manhandlers' Santana Moss (31 points) nearly beat the hapless Oaklandish felines all by himself. Speaking of the Manhandlers . . . uhm I mean the Violators, Kanako got strong performances from Marc Bulger (28 points) and Larry Johnson (27 points). Even 'the player who shall not be named' with the broken hand joined in the ass whooping festivities that took place Sunday.

Should Peter receive a COTW nomination? Let us count the reasons:

1) Josh McCown
2) 35 points (besting the Slayers' anemic 36 points last week)
3) Pickup for $77 of McCown's replacement Chris Henry, who was promptly deactivated
4) J-O-S-H-M-C-C-O-W-N

BAY CITY STEAMROLLERS defeat THE JUGGERNAUGHTS (85 - 39)
Speaking of offensive futility, we next have the 'Naughts from the northwest suburbs of Chicago. There must be some sort of unfortunate karmic link between the Brothers Schoewe 'cause not a one of Matt's starters scored in double digits. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Instead, the Juggernaughts were busily crafting a bitchin trophy case for the Week 4 COTW award that is sure to come one of the Schoewes' way. Meanwhile across the gridiron, there is much rejoicing in Silver Terrace as the Steamrollers are on a 2 game winning streak - something Steamroller fans haven't seen since Moses parted the Red Sea. The 'Rollers got a pair of 17s from Peyton Manning and Julius Jones, while Roy "Guarantee" Williams tossed in 16. While the Juggernaught's weak ass performance garners Matt a COTW nomination, me thinks another Schoewe will run away with the MML's most dubious prize.

JOE'S MOTHER TUCKERS defeat CHICAGO LONG-HORNED BEATLES (95 - 74)
Apparently Bill is the only human being on the planet who doesn't know that Shaun "Ouch My Foot Hurts" Alexander has a broken foot. While the Beatles' Bears contingent put up a valiant fight (47 points) Sunday night, in the end it wasn't enough to overcome Alexander's doughnut, Madden's curse, and Bill's momentary lapse of reason. Not one to be critical of other coaches who leave injured players in their starting lineup, Joe simply let his Tuckers do their talking on the field. The JMT amassed double digit performances from 6 different players, getting 19 points apiece from . . . hey look Clinton "Shoulder" Portis and Steve "Double Hammy" Smith.

On a separate note, Bill is looking to complete his all-Bears lineup, so owners of Muhsin Muhammad and Bernard Berrian take note.

SF SLUTS defeat SUNNYVALE SLAYERS (85 - 65)
Troubles abound for the Gellars from Sunnyvale, especially at the QB position. Scott's QBs totaled negative five points, while the Cincy combo of Johnson and "Who's Ya Momma" put up a less than stellar 15 points. If it weren't for the Pride of Hofstra Marques Holston (19 points) and Ronnie Brown (12 points), this would almost have been a Schoewe-like performance. Egads!!! Somebody help the Commish! Meanwhile, Sluts HQ is abuzz with excitement as everyone awaits the first offspring of Chief Slut Mel and team mascot - Blue-feathered, Boa Boy. Despite the distractions, the popular gals from the Bay Area secured a much needed W, thanks to the RB duo of Kevin Jones and Laurence Maroney (45 points) and mid-week acquisition Eddie "Damn I'm Old" Kennison (15 points). And with that Slayers racked up yet another loss, secured yet another COTW nomination for Scott, and put a nice down payment on one delightful cellar view.

ROLLING BLACKOUTS defeat ROLLING ROCK WILD THINGS (74 - 44)
Entering Sunday's matchup, the Blackouts were riding a 2 game winning streak, while the RRWT conversely were in the midst of a 2 game, beer-induced funk. As a result, questions were abound. Would Ron's boys maintain their hold on the Crystal Gayle Sayers division? Would the 'Things stay one step ahead of those surgically-altered Chimps from Sunnyvale? Alas, in the end only RRWT QB Tom Brady (14 points) managed to sober up by gametime. Clearly Jamal Lewis, Antwaan Randle El, Ben Watson, and Anquan Boldin did not (10 totoal points combined). 'Nuff said. Across the field, the Blackouts continued their winning ways, thanks to Steven Jackson (18 points), Charlie Frye (16 points), and Bernard "Trade Me to Bill" Berrian (15 points). On just about any other weekend, Mr. Fred would be a lock for a COTW award. But not this week. Instead, it looks like Mr. Fred will be in search of a nice alcohol dependency program for his boys. I hear Betty Ford is real nice . . .

OCEAN BEACH SURF RIDERS defeat BLOODTHIRSTY SCALPING SAVAGES (90 - 70)
Going into Monday night's game, Kevin's Savages had a firm 24 point grip on the OBSR's scalps, thanks to impressive performances from Andre Johnson (21 big ones) and Drew Brees (19 big ones). Still the Surf Riders had four players on the MNF schedule. But that's when things began to unravel. First, 'Double Hammy Part Deux' had its unveiling as Ahman Green decided to pull a Steve Smith. Next, Eagles coach Anyd Reid decided to run the frickin ball. And then Donald Driver suddenly forgot how to catch a football. All of this resulted in Coach Moy running around OBSR offices during halftime screaming like a little girl. Luckily QB Donovan McNabb, frightened by his coach's less than manly behavior, took matters into his own hands, finishing w/ 4 TDs and 30 points.

And that faithful MML fans was Week 4 . . .

Keeping Up With The Bobcats

2006-09-29T14:03:00.000-07:00

In this week's special feature, we take a look at the moves made by the Bobcats so far this season.

After the unorthodox strategy of drafting non-starting Detroit QB, Josh McCown, in Round 4, the guffaws started--and then came "Big Ben," and Aaron Brooks, and Laveranues Coles. And the guffaws grew louder. Pretty soon, Thirsty Savages could be heard to cry in derision: "What, the Bobcats have any chance? Why, you sir, must be a Crackpot!"

And then, out of that quiet corner in Crackpot Highlands came three straight victories. How could such a thing be explained?

Week 1. Brooks--as anticipated--craps out. But Frank Gore, Tomli, Laveranues and the Ravens chip in about 20 points each. A few more points here, a few there, and pretty soon, it's 90+ for the 'Cats.

Week 2. Gore, Tomli, Coles and the Ravens come through again. BUT, not content to rest on their laurels, the Bobcats go out and acquire QB Alex Smith, benching the predictably crappy Brooks (who got -4 that week), and instead rack up an additional 12 points from the new QB in town. Bobcats: 107. Opponents: wishing they had played someone else.

Week 3. Tomli on a bye. Problem? No sir. Insert Brian Westbrook, who had quietly been having decent outings in Weeks 1 and 2 while on the Bobcat bench. Result? A stunning 34 point performance, with help from QB Alex Smith, Coles, the Ravens and even the kicker, Kasay. And another Bobcat victory.

With all this going on, you might think the Bobcats front office might be content to let things ride. But are they? No sir. Locker room favorite Josh McCown is told to hit the bricks. TE Chris Cooley? Thanks for trying, now have a seat. In Week 4, we will see Houston TE Owen Daniels starting for the 'Cats.

WHO???

Owen Daniels. CBSSportsline has this to say:

Daniels is an intriguing player at this juncture. The rookie is slowly getting more and more looks (he had a few incompletes go his way Week 3) from QB David Carr and could emerge as the top TE in Houston. Don't go inserting him in your starting lineup just yet, but he has had a touchdown in two consecutive weeks and more could be on the way. Monitor his progress a little longer before making a move.

Most owners wouldn't go with--ummm--what was his name? But the savvy 'Cats management recognized Cooley isn't getting it done, so they went out and took a chance on a No-Name TE who had a mere 11 pts in Week 2 and 7 pts in Week 3--which certainly beats Cooley's 2, 1 and 4 pt performances this year.

And finally, still not content, and with room on the roster to grow, the 'Cats gave Brooks his well-deserved walking papers and brought in WR Chris Henry. If Henry can stay out of jail, there's no telling how much punch the 'Cats receiving corps will pack.

How will this all pan out? Will the 'Cats opponents continue to be Nameless Fodder for the 'Cats Superbowl run? Time will tell.

WEEK THREE RECAP

2006-09-28T18:16:00.001-07:00

by Matt “Lombardi” Schoewe

With the Bobcats on a roll, the Thirsty Savages licking their own wounds in hopes of finding the smallest relief for their cracked, dry lips, and the rest of the league engaged in a struggle to find an identity, a way to compete…

Week 3 dawned. Too early for some, not early enough for others.

And so it was that the days of summer were long forgotten, unorthodox draft strategies were hailed as brilliance, and the sound and fury of another Montana Mile League season fully under way made itself known.

Thus it is that we examine the perennial Week Three Question: are there any discernible trends that might at least give a tantalizing clue as to how the story of the rest of the season will unfold? We begin with a look at the enigmatic Bobcats and their match with whatever fodder it was that landed in the way this time.

Wild Things (76) at Bobcats (103)

Sunday Morning dawned cold and gray in the Bobcats’ den. A bitter, sideways drizzle cut through the opposition like…

Oh wait…

Crackpot Highlands is somewhere out in sunny California, no?

And so, I imagine the day dawned perfectly nice, as usual: temperate, sunny, bright, not too warm, not too cool, not too anything—especially not good football weather. Not the type of day when men of iron take to the field, knowing nothing of that worldly concept others know as pain, playing only for team and honor.

Nonetheless, in Crackpot Dome, the 'Cats’ anthem—These ‘Cats Were Made For Stoplin’ (And Some Day They’re Gonna Stople All Over You)—could be heard rising from the lungs of its unequalled cheering section: Josh “They Ain’t Laughin’ Now” McCown and Ben “Big But Not So Bad” Roethlisberger. And? Yes indeed, that was LT, Tomli, The Man, Mr. Fantasy Football—riding the pine. True dat: unfortunately for the ‘Cats, Week Three found LT taking some time off. Would this spell ruin, defeat, ignominy for the surging ‘Cats?

We know the answer now, as the ‘Cats have tried to tell us before (at least those of us who are IOP faithful readers): it’s a team sport, and the ‘Cats ain’t nothin’, if they ain’t a team.

Thus spake Bobcat Coach “I May Tour With Willie Now And Again But I’m No Crackpot” Schoewe.

And so it began. With LT on the bench and an apparent opening for a new foe, Brian Westbrook reached down, said fine, my turn, and merely doubled his weekly output to lead the ‘Cats with 34 points. Frank Gore thanked him kindly and said, here’s a couple points to show some team spirit. Laveranues “Just Keep Laughing” Coles tossed in another respectable week’s worth of points. The Ravens D and John Kasay said, so like, who needs a TE anyway? And then, feeling the spirit, Alex Smith stepped up and offered to play QB.

The rest, as they say, was merely another chalk mark in the “W” column for the ‘Cats.

Oh, and the opponent? Well, the Wild Things weren’t the lowest scoring team this week, but they weren’t rolling either. Tom “I’m Not Sure I Feel Like Playing Yet This Year” Brady, Edgerrin “Hey, You Knew I Was Traded To The Cardinals” James, Anquan “Hey, I Thought I Was The Man” Boldin and the Steelers D put up respectable numbers. But when you’re facing the ‘Cats, respectable doesn’t get the job done. Someone needs to step up—say, like Brian Westbrook, for example—and it didn’t happen for the Wild Things.

Week Three trend: the ‘Cats are rollin’ and the Wild Things ain’t.

Thirsty Savages (58) at Horny Beatles (89)

Another hard day’s night before Sunday’s outing found a Savage Coach in the locker room with QB Daunte “I Vaguely Remember Being A Football Player” Culpepper, sharing a tender moment, wringing hands, praying to various gods, meditating awhile, harmonizing on “It’s All Right To Cry,” and Coach Fitz eventually looking Daunte in the eye and saying: So, like, WTF? In a barely audible sigh, Daunte could be heard to reply, I dunno man, I dunno.

With that, Coach Fitz made his decision. The hero of years past would only see action from the bench.

In his place, Drew “They Call Me A Saint” Brees tried to help but came up short. Rudi “I Can’t Do This Alone” Johnson gave up and eked out a few useless points. Warrick “Thanks For The Faith But I Can’t Get It” Dunn said, F---, if Rudi ain’t playing, I don’t see why I have to. Shortly thereafter, most of the rest of the ill-fated Savages scurried off the field in search of something to drink. The lone bright spot was Andre “By The Time Y’All Get To Houston This Game’ll Be Over” Johnson putting up a valiant 22 point effort.

Meanwhile, Willie “I Coulda Made You A Contender” Parker was screaming from the bench, put me in, Coach! But alas, there was really nothing to be done for the demoralized Savages in the face of a resurgent Beatles team.

Unlike their opponent, the Beatles left it all out on the field and came away with the victory.

Week Three trend: The Savages are thirsty for inspiration. Will the Parker—Larry “I Know I Ain’t The Coach” Fitzgerald trade provide the impetus for a turnaround? That remains to be seen. And the Beatles? Certainly an improvement over the first two weeks, but further evidence is needed to see whether they have enough to contend even when they leave it out all out on the field like true men of Black and Blue.

Surfer Dudes (87) at Manhandlers (62)

Sitting atop the Rice Cake division, the Surfer Dudes found enough of the right stuff to put a handling on a once proud Manhandlers team. With a new Moss on board, the Manhandlers still couldn’t get it rolling down hill. Instead, they were rolled over. While heaven knows, this writer would struggle against the fates and search far and wide to be able to say something positive about this year’s Manhandlers, the truth is, a glance at the starting lineup, and a long look down the bench reveals—only the depths of the abyss. I’m afraid Fragile Freddy, Deuce “C’Mon I Can Still Play!” McAllister, and Randy “I Wish Somebody Could Throw To Me” McMichael just aren’t going to get it done.

The Surfer Dudes, on the other hand, while not a stunning success like the ‘Cats, certainly have some terra firma to work with. Ahman “I’m Not Finished Yet” Green and Doug “I Told You I Was A Secret Weapon” Gabriel could have made this an even more impressive victory. But as it was, the Surfer Dudes did what they had to and got it done. ‘Nough said.

Week Three Tend: The Surfer Dudes look solid. Keep an eye on ‘em. The Manhandlers…well, they appear to be on pace to race the Slayers nee Chimps to the bottom.

Chimp Slayers (36) at Tuckers (79)

No competition here, as the score indicates. Chimps—I mean, Slayers—just pure blown so far out of the water they were as thirsty as your average Savage. Was there anything that could’ve been done? Well, yeah, there was certainly a fair amount of points left staring out from the Slayers bench. But truth be told, you would’ve had to be a soothsayer to pick up some of them. For example, who would’ve thunk Chad “That’s Right, I’ll Smash Your Face” Johnson would come up with 1 stinkin’ point? (I know I sure didn’t in my other league.) But on the other hand, in “that other league,” I was able to discern that Brett “I May Be Old And The Packers May Suck But At Least I’m Not Kurt Warner” Favre was the way to go. And the Slayer receiving core? Well, really now, who knew? So, I say we cut the Commish a tiny bit of slack, despite my last comment above (that goes for the Mandhandled too—just teasing, you know).

And the MoFu’s? Well, an intriguing bunch. You take a look down the line, and many faces seem to stare back, saying, true dat, we solid. But then, you look and see—79 points? Well, with that nod to the Surfers, we have to give the same nod to the MoFu’s: they got it done. With Clinton “Yeah, That’s Right, That’s Right All You Nay Sayers” Portis putting on a show, Tatum “I Da Man, I Tell Ya” Bell coming on, and some good looking receivers, despite Plaxico’s plummet, the MoFu’s stand a fair chance of putting together a good season. But of course, they’re going to need to find a way to chase down the ever present ‘Cats.

Week Three trend: MoFu’s keeping it going. Keep your eyes on ‘em and be ready to play when they visit your hometown. Chimp Slayers? Well, I guess that’s what you get for changing the name of a time-honored franchise. But they could make for some challenging competition for the Savages, Juggs and Manhandlers.

Blackouts (86) at Juggs (73)

Ah, the top of the Crystal Gayle division versus the bottom. Well, it turned out to be a little closer than some expected (I can’t say who, but it was an unnamed source inside the Juggs locker room). While the Rolling Blackouts weren’t exactly ‘Cat-like—but really, who is?—, a few solid performances lifted them over the Juggs. Eli “Don’t Call Me Little, Brother” Manning and John “Glad To Still Be Employed” Carney added respectable points to the potentially breakout performance of Javon “I Hope I Finally Found A Home” Walker, and that’s all it took to slap around the couple of Juggs that tried to make it a game.

Week Three trend: Juggs still suck. Will Parker and some MoJo spark a turnaround? We can only wait and see. Meanwhile, the Blackouts continue to roll over the rest of the hapless Crystal Gayle division, but is that enough to get to the big game? That, too, remains to be seen.

And Finally…

Just when you thought I had forgotten, this intrepid reporter got this week’s scoop on the latest bon mot straight from ‘Cat HQ:

Here's the Bobcat Rap:

This is true dat:
We be cruel 'Cats!

UPDATE:

Bonus Bon Mot From Bobcat HQ: We didn't even notice the Steamrollers were missing.

UPDATE II:

Sluts (53) at Steamrollers (87)

So the Sluts got themselves Steamrolled this week. Can I really add more to that?

As Sei aptly observed, it is noteworthy that the Steamrollers have broken a rather nasty losing streak--and how better to do so than by rolling over some sluts. (Hey, that one is just far too much to resist--as I type, I'm debating whether to say it a third time!)

But seriously, my apologies to both teams. Steamrollers are hard to miss, and I normally don't overlook sluts, so I'm not sure how that happened. Ah, well.

At any rate, a quick glace at the Scoreboard shows that not only did Sei and his boys roll those Sluts, they managed an impressive performance in doing so. And the Sluts? Well, Carson is pretty good, but I just can't see him being enough to carry an entire team.

Which, of course, leads to the final Week Three trend observation: Sluts are down. Can Sei keep it up?

(Hey, you didn't expect any less, did you? Frankly, I thought that was rather tasteful given what we might expect from certain other ReCappers.)

Week Two Recap by the Commish

2006-09-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

Arcadia Bobcats (107) defeat Sunnyvale Slayers (81)

You hear that sound? It’s the sound of me crying crocodile tears. Peter OWNED me this week – simple as that. His hubris was quite evident during his birthday dinner when I said to him, “maybe if you’re lucky I’ll give you a present this weekend.” His reply was “I won’t need any luck.” And just like that his prophecy was fulfilled. Sure, his reply was perhaps more annoying that the Old Style radio commercials that broadcast during Cubs games, but I digress. This is likely the 2nd week in a row where Pete’s team has scored the highest points. I am relegated to visions of 2004 as the Slayers are now in a terrible 0-2 shambles. I left 28 possible points on the bench, but that would’ve required me to start Marques Colston, Brett Favre, and D’Angelo Williams. Are you nuts? Regardless, I must give credit where credit is due, and right now Pete’s team is looking pretty solid after 2 weeks.

BREAKDOWN
Ravens Defense: 25
L.T.: 24
Frank Gore: 17
Laverneous Coles: 18

When you can start Alex Smith at QB and still win by 26 points, you know your Fantasy team is good (actually, Pete could’ve started Josh McCown and still won). I must’ve been thinking about my ‘other’ fantasy team, the one with Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel – meanwhile the Slayers looked more like Jessica Tandy. COTW nomination to follow.

NEW FEATURE THIS WEEK –

I’m hoping that every week from here on out, the writer of the weekly recap will ask Pete for his poetic musings regarding the outcome of his match-up – without further ado, here is PETE’S WEEK 2 MMFL BON MOT: “Crocker Highlands is located at the corner of Kicked St. and Yourass Ave.”

Now fetch me a cucumber sandwich, crusts removed!

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Rolling Blackouts (91) defeat Chicago Long-Horned Beatles (60)

Looks like Bill might want to start Rex Grossman (28) after 2 sub par weeks from Matt Hasselbeck (7). His Beatles could barely muster 60 points en route to a 31 point thrashing from the defending champ Blackouts. Ron saw stellar performances across the board (well, his kicker wasn’t too good but that’s probably the one position that can weather a bad performance). The Beatles found no help in his core positions, as the WR’s and RB’s combined for only 23 points (with 11 of those coming from Shaun “I Need Steve Hutchinson back” Alexander) while the Blackouts put up a semi-Mr. Fred-esque 44 from their Fantastic Four (Jessica Alba not included). Bill’s Beatles can’t buy him any love, but they certainly can afford a COTW nomination.

BREAKDOWN
Eli “the other white” Manning: 25
Reggie “John” Wayne: 13
L.J. “Burrows” Smith: 13

A prison break indeed for the Blackouts, both teams move to 1-1 and William Fichtner is not far behind them in the rear view mirror popping Medazepam.

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The Juggernauts (91) defeat the Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (89)

Oh the agony of a 2 point loss, this can only be surpassed by losing by 1 point, which in turn can only be surpassed by losing a tied game by virtue of a tie-breaker, which can only finally be surpassed by losing the Championship game to Ron (and starting Kyle Boller at QB – yes my grapes are still very sour!). The Juggs were firm and tight in this match-up, Matt brought out the big guns with newly acquired (i.e. purchased for $500 MMFL currency) Chad Pennington (19 points). Good thing too, his bench QB’s combined for only 9 total points, so this waiver wire salvo clinched the proverbial victory out of the Juggs of defeat. Too bad Cadillac Williams looked like he was wearing a training bra, his 2nd bad week in a row as he was only able to lactate his way to 1 point on 37 rushing yards. I think Carnell needs a fresh new teat with which to suckle. A valiant effort by Rudy “Not a Jugg by a 10 inch” Johnson (26) was not enough to salvage a very bitter defeat at the bosom of the Juggs.

BREAKDOWN
Chad “I’m 10 passes away from reconstructive shoulder surgery” Pennington: 19
Darrell “I’m a Deoin Branch away from scoring half my usual total” Jackson: 18
Matt “Thank God we can’t score in the red zone” Stover: 14

Now let’s see here, Matt DD made a great selection at QB, too bad the same can’t be said of Kevin “Fred” Savage. His selection of Daunte Culpepper was his undoing, as Drew Brees sat on his bench with a 16 point effort against a hapless Green Bay Defense. Let’s see, if my math isn’t off, 16-10 = 6. 6-2 = 4. That’s what I call stealing defeat from the jaws of victory – certainly worthy of a COTW nomination.

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Ocean Beach Surfriders (91) defeat the Bay City Steamrollers (75)

Emerging from the latrine, Sei realized that his team just committed a brown on white crime – the ‘Steamrollers’ move to 0-2 and 0-12 dating back to the last 10 games of 2005. This is not a pretty site. Meanwhile, Glen is riding a wave of success, joining Peter Bobcat as the only owners of undefeated records after the first 2 weeks. Does that mean we have relative parity? Sei only had 2 positions in double figures (Manning – 31, Jags DST – 13). Of his running backs, wide receivers, tight ends, and kicker, his kicker was the higher scorer with 9 points! Lee Evans, Jeremy Shockey, and Kellen Winslow were especially stinky, combining for 9 points. Blame it on bad luck all you want, but I’m wondering who will be the first to break Sei’s brown “streak”. He could use a Smoove BM right about now. Sei needs TP for his bunghole.

BREAKDOWN
Donavan “Sunshine Superman” McNabb – 23
Donald “If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck” Driver – 19

Not even a goose egg from Kicker Jeff Reed was enough to stople the mighty Surfriders. The only thing that could be worse for Sei at this point is if the MMFL faithful vote him into the COTW Hall of Fame.

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Joe’s Mother Tuckers (84) defeat Rolling Rock Wild Things (46)

“I’ll take Anal Bum Cover for $500 Alex. It’s a Daily Double!” Mr. Fred was almost doubled up by Joe MOTO this week. Making this indignity even worse was a season league low of 46 put up by Mr. Fred’s 33’s (aka the Peace Fighters). Upon further inspection, Joe’s team was in Final Jeopardy by including both Steve Smith and Clinton Portis in the starting line-up. To those who don’t follow football, both players are injured and neither of them played on Sunday. So Joe basically defeated Mr. Fred without the assistance of his top 2 picks! To Joe’s credit, every player he started who actually suited up last week scored in double figures, while Mr. Fred left Joey “Not a Single Point in Week One” Galloway rotting on his bench with 20 much needed points (call them dignity point since they wouldn’t have changed the outcome of this laugher).

BREAKDOWN
Plexico “Let’s Do It For Joe’s Daughter” Burress – 18
Drew “Barrymore” Bledsoe – 16

At this time please re-read the previous paragraph for the COTW most deserving!

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SF Sluts (68) defeat Mission Manhandlers (67)

Ok – what could be better than a game pitting the Sluts against the Manhandlers. Evidently the Sluts were able to “score” despite the “Manhandlers” alternative lifestyle (and by the way, if I were to open a gay bar in San Francisco, I’d be tempted to call it “Manhandlers”). Kanako must be reeling from this one point defeat, not only did she lose this game, but she also lost T.O. for at least 2 weeks with a broken ring finger on his catching hand (he’ll only miss one game since Dallas has a bye week in week 3). Anyway, the Sluts dressed like tramps for this one but still managed to not get their outfits Lewinskied. Hell, they will take a 1 point victory any day over a 1 point defeat. Kanako has stated that she intends to rename her franchise to the ‘Visitation Violators’. (You know what? If I were to open a gay bar in San Francisco, my 2nd choice for a name would be “Violators Bar and Grill”.) Well she was repeatedly violated by those dirty Sluts this week. Bend over Abigail Mae! Kanako was relegated to screaming “you frakkin’ toaster” at Hines Ward during the Monday Night Football game – I have witnesses!

BREAKDOWN
Carson “One in the Bush is worth Two in the” Palmer – 18
Donte “Don’t be a Hater” Stallworth – 14

Dare the gods bestow upon Kanako a COTW trophy for week 2? Only YOU, dear reader, may decide.

There you have it – week two is in the books. 2 teams remain undefeated (Pete and Glen), 2 teams remain winless (Commish and Sei), and 8 teams are 1-1. Week 3 is gonna be fun – don’t forget there are some bye weeks out there so set your lineups accordingly.

Go Dodgers!

Week One Recap by Glen!

2006-09-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

Football finally returned to the Montana Mile League and not a moment too soon. Entering into Week 1, there were plenty of questions captivating MML observers. Would the Rolling Blackouts be able to defend their 2005 title? Coming off radical, off-season plastic surgery, would the Sara Michelle Gellars, aka the Chimps of yore, be able to lay claim to another league best regular season record? And of course the question on everyone's mind, where the f@#! is Crocker Highlands?

Well grab a beer & some chips and settle in for this week's recap to find the answers:

BLOODTHIRSTY SCALPING SAVAGES defeat ROLLING BLACKOUTS 73 - 66
Defending last year's title is clearly going to be a challenge for the Blackouts, as the Savages punched last year's champs square in the mouth on opening day. The BTSS came out with a balanced attack, led by it's receiving corps which produced 29 points. Rookie TE Vernon Davis had an impressive debut, coming up with 5 receptions and a TD. Speaking of rookies, the Blackout's Reggie "I Shoulda Been Numba One" Bush had 8 receptions and 119 all-purpose yards. Alas, Mr. Blackout lacked faith in his second round draft pick and instead elected to go with DeShaun Foster, who stumbled his way to 6 points, defeat, and a COTW nomination for Ron.

ROLLING ROCK WILDTHINGS defeat SUNNYVALE SLAYERS 68 - 65
In this week's nailbiter, the Mr.Freds squeaked past their division rival, thanks to Chargers coach Marty "Not Going to Pass" Schottenheimer. Going into Monday night, the Commish needed 13 points from All-Stud Antonio Gates to grab that all important, opening day W (and to make up for the weak ass performances of Reuben Droughns and Joe Horn). Sadly Philip Rivers completed just 8 passes all night for a measley 108 yards and with that the stake-wielding, petite blondes from Sunnyvale fell short by 4 points. So while the RRWT are off celebrating their solid Week 1 performance, Chimps faithful are left pondering not only a puzzling off-season transformation, but a COTW nomination as well.

CHICAGO LONG-HORNED BEATLES defeat JUGGERNAUGHTS 69 - 54
Bill's Beatles turned its Crystal Gayle Sayers rival into the Jugger-NOTS, thanks to 46 points from the most unlikliest of sources - the Bear's D, K Robbie Gould, and TE Dallas Clark. This more than made up for the horrid performance by Madden '07 coverboy Shaun Alexander. While it's still early in the season, me thinks the curse of the bus-riding, telestrator-mad, mutant turkey-eating one is alive and well. Meanwhile across the gridiron, the Juggernaught's bench looked awfully crowded, with Matt letting 68 points ride pine while Delhomme & the boys generated the week's lowest point totals. 'Nuff said. Hopefully he'll be able to clear out some space this week on it for his COTW nomination.

MISSION MANHANDLERS defeat BAY CITY STEAMROLLERS 77 - 68
The Bay City Boys went into this weekend's matchup looking to break a 10 game losing streak, dating back to last season. Ouch. But while hope springs eternal,unfortunately Sei's Steamrollers ran into pre-season favorite the Manhandlers. While the 'Rollers got good production (29 points) from its ex-Hurricanes TE combo of Shockey and Winslow, it just wasn't enough to overcome Maggie's Manhandlers, who were led by Jeff Wilkins and his 6 frickin' FGs. And with that, Sei's team begins this season just like it ended the last one - with an L and a looming COTW nomination.

ARCADIA BOBCATS OF CROCKER HIGHLAND defeat JOE'S MOTHER TUCKERS 94 - 71
The Bobcats were the butt of much post-draft ridicule, thanks to management's "unique" draft strategy. But the Oaklandish felines quieted many of their critics with an impressive opening day drubbing of the Tuckers. While they may not have discovered the New World, the Cats did manage to find the endzone several times, thanks in part to RB Frank Gore's 2 TDs and 170 all-purpose yards. Maybe that pickup of Josh McCown really wasn't that crazy after all. While there may not have too much that the JMT could have done about the Bobcat's Week 1 leading point totals, starting Steve Smith and his two hamstrings in place of Heath "Out of Bounds" Miller definitely does not help the cause. Neither does the resulting COTW nomination.

OCEAN BEACH SURF RIDERS defeat SF SLUTS 79 - 74
Looking to rebound from a disappointing 2005 campaign, Moy's boys took to the field against their divisional foe looking much like the aging team it did from a year ago. Turning back the clock at least for Week 1, QB Donovan McNabb threw for 3 TDs and over 300 yards, while Tiki Barber ambled his way to 171 all-purpose yards. Still, despite McNabb's rediscovery of his pre-TO form, the OBSR went into Monday night with the slimmest of leads. Thanks in part to 19 receiving points a piece from Donte Stallworth and Tony Gonzalez, the lovable gals from the Bay Area needed just 7 points from RB LaMont Jordan to secure the win. Much to Melissa's chagrin, Jordan could muster up only 20 yards and 1 stinking point, thereby leaving sluts worldwide to lament the victory that was not to be and the COTW nomination that surely is to come.

Before wrapping things up, yours truly would just like to provide a quick Josh McCown update. While 23 other QBs outscored good ol' Josh in Week 1, five others did not. And hey look, Josh just moved up the depth chart in Detroit. So who knows, maybe one day our kids will be reciting the name Schoewe alongside the likes of Columbus, Magellan, Balboa, and Cortez.

And that thankfully was Week 1 in the MML.

Week One Observations from the desk of The Commish

2006-09-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

Monday morning I was writing an e-mail to a fellow team that read, “I need Antonio Gates to catch at least 5 passes tonight and 1 touchdown, otherwise I’m toast”. Gates caught 2 passes, one for a touchdown. I lost by 3 points.

I got that sick Fantasy Football feeling over the weekend. As a result all of the games were not very much fun to watch because none of my players were scoring points.

I woke up last night at 4am. I couldn’t fall back asleep – what was on my mind? Losing my game in week one.

Yes . . . the season has officially begun and I’ve already got a not so fresh feeling about the outcome. Here are some stats from week 1:

A quick look at our draft reveals that the avg points scored for the first round picks was 11. 5 players came in under the average: Shaun Alexander (2), Peyton Manning (10), Cadillac Williams (7), LaMont Jordan (1), Clinton Portis (9)

The top scoring player from the first 3 rounds was Ladanian Tomlinson (20). I think it’s my duty to point out that Pete had offered to trade me the #3 slot for #11 and then he later changed his mind. He should be very thankful he did.

The top scoring players of the week were Donovan McNabb (round 5 pick), Frank Gore (round 6 pick) and Kurt Warner (round 7 pick) – each scored 23 points. And to those pundits who thought Bill was shooting his wad too early by selecting the Chicago DST in Round 6, they had 22 points.

Vindication is not so sweet – Melissa Slut got a lot of grief for picking Donte Stallworth in round 6. Donte proved a lot of people wrong by racking up 19 points. We’ll see if he can continue on this torrid pace for the duration of the season. I’m sure he’ll still have his skeptics (speaking as a former owner of Donte, I can sympathize – he was my kryptonite for 2 seasons). Anyway, even Donte’s performance couldn’t save the Sluts from losing by a scant few points – thanks a lot LaMont Jordan. Doesn’t LaMont sound like the name of a clothing store for Gerry’s? I bought my lavender handbag at LaMont’s during their Fall clearance sale!

The best lineup this week would have been:
Kurt Warner or McNabb (Slayers and Surf Riders) – QB = 23
Frank Gore (Bobcats) – RB = 23
Ladanian Tomlinson (Bobcats) – RB = 20
Laverneous Coles (Bobcats) – WR = 19
Donte Stallworth (Sluts) – WR = 19
Tony Gonzalez (Sluts) – TE = 19
Jeff Wilkins (Manhandlers) – K = 19
Bears (Beatles) – DST = 22
TOTAL: 164

The Arcadia Bobcats of Crocker Highlands (who I am now going to dub as the Gay Faggots of Queer Town) were the high scoring team of the week with 94 points (the nickname is a joke - don't take it seriously!).

Mr. Fred had the lucky match-up of the week, he only scored 68 points and still won. 68 was tied for 8th in terms of point rank.

Overall scoring is down across the board, but it’s only week one. I think the new DST scoring is a lot more forgiving and hopefully people are on board with it.

Confessions Of A Serial Procrastinator

2006-09-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

Call me Dukemael.

Yes, it's me. All me. I am single-handedly ruining Kevin's (aka Bloodsucking Thirsty Savage) reputation. But not, of course, intentionally.

A couple--or was it a few?--weeks ago, Kevin gave me $5 and asked me if I would write my check out to Buffy Commish for $5 extra (because Kevin was too darned lazy to send Scott a check for $5). Well, I spent the $5, and to this day, Buffy is wandering the streets, homeless and hungry, because I keep thinking there is plenty of time "tomorrow" to take care of that.

And the upshot?

Poor Kevin is on the list of delinquents--still owing $5!

But can I help it? You have to remember Juggernaut's first rule: do only harm. (Ah, if only my team would! Rather than get spanked by some lowly Chicago bugs...)

UPDATE: 2000 hours, check's in the mail. Or, at least it will be when the mail lady picks it up tomorrow.

Alternate Reality

2006-09-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

So anyway, as I have told Scott and Kevin, my stepson, John, is into computers these days and trying to design a website for the Montana Mile League. The thing is, we've been trying to come up with themes, looks, logos, etc., and not entirely sure what to go with.

As part of that effort, because I am more familiar with blogger templates, as some of you know all too well, I decided to try to come up with something as a sample/example of what we could do.

And, since the Schoewe Open is temporarily defunct, I did my sample over that blog's template.

You can find it here.

So, please take a look and let us know what you think (e.g.--what the h--- do we need a new website for? would be one type of response...).

And, yes, of course, it would not be exactly as shown. For example, the links to Arsenal sites and the Packer photos aren't entirely necessary. This is just designed to give an example of themes, colors, etc.

And finally, if you know about such things (I don't), apparently, you can have forums and multiple pages, with buttons to get to them and that sort of thing. For example, I suggested to John that I believe Mr. Fred, among others, might like a button for "League History."

Kevin's 2006 Draft Recap

2006-09-07T14:35:00.003-07:00

The 2006 Montana Mile League Draft Recap:

Uneasy Lies the Head that Drafts McCown:

Welcome to the 2006-2007 NFL Fantasy Football Season!

Though the leaves are still lush and the mercury continues to swell, football is finally upon us.

And after another disastrous baseball season, I couldn’t be happier.

Since Matt already gave us a little intro below, let’s just jump right into things, shall we? There have already been some fascinating, horrifying, and peculiar developments in the Montana Mile League…and they’ve all involved Peter.

How could a man so brilliant, so experienced, the captain of such a storied franchise….

But we’ll get to that later.

To the picks:

Round 1:

Best Pick: Actually, the round went pretty much according to plan, give or take. No one got any major steals, though I have seen Ronnie “Ricky Who?” Brown ranked as high as fifth, and often ahead of DuPont Jordan (depending on what rag you’re reading), so I think the Slayers certainly made the best of their situation.

Most Questionable Pick: Wild Thangs. A vaunted running back for many years behind Indy’s formidable offensive line and Peyton’s blistering, keep-defenses-honest aerial assault, Edge will certainly have his work cut out for him this season. ‘Zona’s been a running back graveyard the past few years, and, while the one-two punch of Larry “I’m More Irish then Shaquille O’Neal” Fitzgerald and Anquan “Yes, My Name Really Is Anquan” Boldin will likely keep defenses from stacking the box, the porous offensive line could cause the gold-toothed wonder some serious problems. Edge a number running back? Probably. But a number four pick? I doubt it.

Round 2:

Best Pick: Before a sudden onslaught of madness descended, Peter actually had something good going. Brian Westbrook fell much lower here than in most of the “expert” drafts saturating the internet. He’s a great complement to L.T., especially in a league that awards points per reception. So nice pick, Peter. That will be the last time I ever utter that last phrase, by the way.

Questionable Pick: Hasslebeck. Round 2? Why?

Kinda Crazy Pick: This actually overlaps with Round 1…the back-to-back selection by the Motha’ (Shut Your Mouth!) Tucka’s.

Hey…I’m just talking about the Tucka’s.

Anyway, I can understand the urge to grab a player of Portis’ caliber when he’s fallen so far due to concerns about his dislocated shoulder—and T.J. Duckett, for that matter. And if you’re gonna grab him, fine. Just make sure to back him up with a guy you know will be starting in week one…preferably a running back. Steve “Double Hammy” Smith ain’t that guy.

Round 3:

Best Pick: Sunnyvale Slayers, Antonio Gates. I’ve never been a fan of reaching for a tight end (unless the Sluts happen to be strolling by), but Commish already had some key pieces in place, and Gates is a nice addition to Chad Johnson. Plus, Scott knew he’d still be able to acquire a solid (though not particularly dynamic) running back three picks later.

Questionable Pick: The Reigning Champs choosing Reggie Wayne as their number one receiver. He may play like a number 1, but he’s still the second guy on the team and selecting him ahead of Chris Chambers, Hines “57” Ward; Darrel, Darrel, Darrel Jackson; and “Deep Roy” Williams seems ill-advised. By the way, does anyone get that “Deep Roy,” reference? I really hope so.

Virtual Insanity: The Feral Felines must’ve gotten bit by something rabid…Ben Rothlisberger as your number 1 QB? In the third round?? I know he’s won a Super Bowl, but there are more stalwart, battle-tested field Generals available, guys who are easily capable of putting up gaudier numbers. Even more insulting, Big Ben was rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy (the headline on ESPN said: ap-BEN-dectomy, but I didn’t find that particularly clever) and will be out for week one.

Let’s hope Peter managed to draft a capable backup.

Round 4:

In the interest of time and space, we’ll suspend the “Best” and “Questionable” talk for this round. Let’s just get right to the heart of the matter.

I’ll put this as bluntly as I can.

On September 3rd, 1970, Vince Lombardi died.

On September 3rd, 2006, Peter Schoewe spat on his grave.

Exactly thirty-six years to the day after the death of a member of football’s Pantheon, Peter executed a mind-numbingly baffling draft maneuver that can only be attributed to alcohol-induced dementia, several swift blows to the head with a rusty tire-iron, or the rapid inhalation of some sticky, hydroponically-engineered California Northern Lights.

With the 46th pick in the 2006 draft…the Arcadia Bobcats select…perennial backup Josh McCown.

Pause for effect...

--Did I mention Josh McCown plays for the Lions?

--Did I mention CBS Sportsline lists him as THIRD on the depth chart?

Third. Behind Dan Orlovsky…who I think used to be my plumber back when I lived in Milwaukee.

Some quarterbacks Peter could have taken at that point in the draft: Marc Bulger. Eli Manning. Donovan McNabb. Daunte Culpepper. Jake Delhomme. Drew Bledsoe. Trent Green. Kurt Warner. Drew Brees. Steve McNair. Mark Brunell. Jake Plummer.

And Dan Orlovsky.

I’ve been sitting here trying to think of the cinematic equivalent of Peter’s mistake. Off the top of my head, the best I can come up with is that scene in Rocky IV when Apollo Creed descends from the rafters for his exhibition bout against Ivan Drago. Apollo’s garishly dressed as Uncle Sam, struts a bit, and even winks at some of the back-up dancers. Hell, he even had a coked-up James Brown accompanying him. I watched that movie in the theater when I was eight or ten (something like that), and I was laughing and having a grand old time. “That Apollo,” I thought to myself. “he’s a cagey veteran, he doesn’t need to train. He’s got the skills, and the experience. This should be a cinch.”

Two rounds later, he’s lying face down on the canvas in a pool of his own blood while Sylvester Stallone drops a tattered towel, rushes to gather him into his arms, and tries to look distraught. Good stuff.

Incidentally, September 3rd was also the day the Treaty of Paris was signed in 1783, thus formally signifying England’s surrender and the end of the Revolutionary War.

Point is, Peter, we all need to prepare. We can’t just sit around all day being lazy, coasting along on our past accolades, then mail it in come crunch time. This is the Montana Mile League, Chief….there’s no easy way out. There’s no shortcut home.

On a side note, I’d love for Peter to do a complete 180 and transform into the reclusive, vengeance-riddled Rocky this season…the one who disappears to Siberia and trains by chopping down trees and hefting farm implements from the late 19th-century. Actually, that was the Soviet Union, so I guess the equipment was more likely from 1982. Regardless, that would be incredible. He could even grow the beard. He’d study spreadsheets and analyze data all season long, and somehow, through waiver-wire mastery and crafty trades, build an unrealistic, ramshackle team that has the heart of a champion…and finds a way to win it all.
Of course, there’d have to be the scene where he climbs to the summit of the Ordway building with a volume of data under his arm and bellows, “MCCOWN!!” at the top of his lungs while an overhead helicopter shot slowly fades to black. Now that would be cool.
I’d be willing to lose, just to see that happen. Honestly.

Round 5:

Best Pick: I liked the Beatles picking up Mason in this round. Mason’s always been solid, and even with a dinosaur like the current incarnation of Steve McNair tossing him the ball, he should still be a solid addition to the team, especially with a boom or bust 1st rounder like Randy Moss headlining the squad. Anyway, you can definitely do a lot worse than Mason as your 2nd WR in round 5…

…like Lavernaues Coles, for example.

Oh, wait. He’s the number 1. Whoops.

Questionable Pick: Well, I’m going to go ahead and nominate myself for this one. I’m a little torn, because I think Tony G is overrated, and his best days are most likely behind him (watch him catch 10 TDs now), so I was leaning towards that pick at first.

But then I decided it’s just too early in the day to get down on the Sluts…unless of course they’d like me to.

So instead I’m going with my pick of Daunte, who drastically regressed last year. The previous few years, he was an Inferno, scorching all fantasy QB’s in his path (save Manning). Last year, he was a Divine Comedy…and a downright disaster. You know, funny, but not “ha ha” funny. I rolled the dice, hoping he can return to his old form with the likes of Chambers, Brown, and McMichael at his disposal. I figured I’d lost out on the WR run, so I might as well look for an edge somewhere else. If he turns out to be a bust, then it’s time to get wacky on the trading block.

Insane in the Membrane: The previously mentioned Laverne and Shirley Coles. Peter had a rough couple rounds, but he still has L.T. and Westbrook. Why not go for a legit WR and sort out the QB situation later? Makes sense…there’s still plenty available. But why Coles? True, all the elites were gone, and it’s not like Galloway or Housh are high on anyone’s list. But take a chance on Stallworth now that he’s the guy in Philly, maybe. Something. Anything. Yeah, Coles had some ok years, but who’s throwing to the guy? Pennington? Stephen Hawking has stouter wrists than that guy. Geez.

Round 6:

Best Pick: As I mentioned, I like the Stallworth pick here, since he will be the main guy in Philly. But just as much as I couldn’t bring myself to come down on the Sluts earlier, I can’t suck up to them now. Later, ladies. Later.
Instead, I’m going to take back what I said in Round 2. I think Peter actually made a great pick here, selecting Frank “At Least I’m Not Kevan Barlow Bitch” Gore as his third RB. Gore’s got a lot of upside, college injuries notwithstanding, and having him along with L.T. and Westbrook completes the RB corps nicely.

Questionable Pick: Bears Defense. I know it’s the Beatles. And I know it’s the Bears. I’ve been in the league long enough to recognize these things. But still…it’s only the 6th round. Is that really necessary?

Insane in the Brain: As I said, unless I’m grasping for a languishing Slut reclining on a nearby featherbed, I’m not a big fan of going after tight ends. Especially so soon. I understand the new rules and all (or thought I did), but it seems like the general rush here (three in this round alone) when there were still quality players lefty at other positions was a bit excessive.

Round 7:

Best Pick: Though I’m a fan of my choice (Terry Glenn), it’s not like he went THAT much later than he should have. For the Slayers, however, grabbing Kurt Warner was a pretty solid move, and definitely filled a growing need at the position.

Questionable Pick: Manhandlers picking Deuce. I know, he’s been good in the past. But wouldn’t you want someone for your #2 RB who’s not likely to split carries with the heir-apparent to the rushing elite?

The Madness of King George: Jerry Porter? He’s been demanding a trade since throwback Art Shell moseyed into town. He’s not even playing in week 1. Hell, he might not play at all.

Round 8:

Best Pick: The Beatles. Their Chicago picks really came together, right now. Over me. Anyway, handcuffing Cedric Benson to 4th round pick Thomas Jones was a wise move.

Questionable Pick: Slayers. Lundy. Not terrible….but just because he’s starting, doesn’t mean he’s good. Besides, you probably could’ve gotten him a little later.

Stop the Insanity!: Rackers. Kicker. ‘Nuff said.

The Rankings:

This year, the standard unit of measurement will be altered slightly. Rather than “A,” “B,” or “C,” or, for that matter, the odd barometer I used last year, I’ve devised a different standard. In lieu of the criminal problems continuing to plague the NFL (particularly the Bengals…what’s going on there?), the current standard will be Consecutive Life Sentences. The maximum will be four…so instead of one, two, three, or four stars…each team will potentially receive one, two, three, or four consecutive life sentences. All clear? Good enough.

Arcadia Bobcats: QB: Big Ben and his missing appendix, Aaron Brooks, and the Great Josh McCown. RB: L.T., Westbrook, Gore, Turner. WR: J. Jurevicius (of course), Laverne Coles, Cedrick Wilson, Kevin Curtis, David Givens. TE: Cooley. K: Kasay. D: Pats, Ravens.

Well, I’ve already documented (ad nauseum) Peter’s blunders this year. For the sake of argument, let’s assume Aaron Brooks-Randy Moss picks up where Daunte-Randy left off a season and a half ago. That would give Peter a solid QB (I know…not going to happen, but still), two quality RB’s…and not much else. Sure, the kicker isn’t bad. Defenses look ok. I’m not sure about Cooley this year, though. Has anyone noticed how poor Washington’s been in the preseason? Peter’s gaping hole will be at WR…where he doesn’t have a clear-cut number 1. And maybe not even a 2.

Final Grade: 2 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences

Bay City Steamrollers: QB: Peyton, Vick. RB: Chris Brown, Julius Jones, Marion Barber, Willis McGahee. WR: Deep Roy Williams, Lee Evans, David Boston (why?), Eric Moldy Moulds, one of the Claytons. TE: Kellen “I think I’m a solider but I’m a moron” Winslow, Shockey. K: Elam. D: Dolphins, Jags.

I think McGahee could have a decent year, but I don’t know that I like him as a number 1 back. Having both Orange Julius Jones and Marion Jones Barber helps, though. Chris Brown I’m not too excited about. Obviously, the former champ is set at QB, picking up Vick as a nice bye-week backup to the always dependable Manning. I like the two tight ends, too. I don’t think Winslow will ever live up to his pre-accident hype, but Shockey is about as good as you can get at the position, if you don’t have Gates. Good D’s, too. Overall, a pretty solid team.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences.

Savages: QB: Daunte Alighieri Culpepper, Drew Gentle Brees. RB: Rudi, Willie, Dunn, Dominic Rhodes, Norwood. WR: Andre Johnson, Terry Glenn, Eddie Kennison, Matt Jones, Troy Williamson. TE: Vernon Davis, Ben Troupe. K: Jay Feely. D: Philly.

As I mentioned, I had to take a risk that Culpepper would bounce back this season. If he doesn’t I’m pretty much screwed, as I don’t see Gentle Brees carrying my squad for the long haul. I took a risk on WR, too, since I missed out on the run in order to cement my RB’s. I do like my middle-tier guys, I just hope I know who to start each week. Bottom line is, I’ve never been a lucky man, so I’m sure this strategy will blow up in my face.

Final Grade: 2 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences

Beatles: QB: Hasselbeck, Trent Green, Rex Grossman. RB: Shaun “screw Madden and his damn curse,” Alexander, Thomas Jones, Cedric Benson, Mike Anderson, T.J. Duckett. WR: Randy Moss, Derrick Mason, Branch, Bruce, Roddy White. TE: Desmond Clark. K: Gould. D: Bears.

With so much invested in their namesake, there’s no way the Beatles can ever win a championship. Still, they can contend. The RB’s are good, though there’s not a lot of depth in terms of starters. The WR’s are a little weak (though I do like Mason), especially if Randy repeats his disappointing season from a year ago. Des Clark isn’t much of a tight end, and I’ve never even heard of Robbie Gould (though I can guess who he plays for).

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences

By the way, Rex Grossman is useless to have on the roster, since he probably won’t even be starting very much longer.

Motha’ Tucka’s: QB: Bledsoe, Brunell. RB: Clinton “still trying to locate my shoulder” Portis, Tatum “part of the biggest back committee in football” Bell, Chester “why do people keep drafting me?” Taylor. WR: Steve Smith, Plexiglass, Lelie, Reggie Brown, Jerry Porter. TE: Heap, Miller. K: Vinateri, Janikowski. D: Chargers, Seahawks.

I see a couple of problems with this team. Clinton Portis may or may not start…and may have lingering effects from his injury. Tatum Bell may or may not be the main guy in Denver. Chester Taylor may or may not be a good back. And that’s it. That’s all the running backs available. Wide receiver looks ok (if Steve Smith also starts), as do tight ends. Why draft two kickers AND two defenses? Quarterbacks look somewhat shaky too.

Final Grade: 2 1/2 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences

Man Hands: QB: Bulger, Leftwich. RB: Larry Johnson, Deuce, Fragile Freddy, Toefield. WR: T.O., Marvin, Santana “Oye Como Va” Moss, Braylon Edwards, Keenan McCardell, Amani Toomah. TE: Zach Hilton, McMichael. K: Wilkins. D: Skins.

Hmm. At first glance, this is probably the best team around. That they don’t have a 2nd quality running back isn’t necessarily a cause for concern since there are plenty of WR’s to rotate throughout the season, and good ones at that. The QB’s look good, so do the TE’s and kicker. I’m not sure if I like the Skins D this season, but at this point, it really doesn’t matter.

So I’m going to go ahead and pick the Man Hands to go all the way this year. This prediction comes with a couple of caveats, though. First, I’ve never been a fan of using three WR’s and one RB, even if it is L.J. WR’s just aren’t as dependable, even if you’re talking big names. There’s really no other formation you can use, either, since Hilton isn’t good enough yet to be a 2nd TE. And the options at 2nd RB are scarce. Sure Deuce will get some carries, as will Fragile Freddy, maybe even quite a few early on. But down the stretch you can’t really depend on them.
Then there’s the T.O. factor. Look, the guy’s supremely talented. He’s also a supreme jackass. He’s caused dissention everywhere he’s been (San Fran, Philly)…and even some places he hasn’t (Baltimore). Something about pairing him with Bledsoe just bothers me. And toss Parcells into the mix? Seems like a recipe for a disaster…or a sitcom.

Basically, this team reminds me of the Death Star in Star Wars. They’re big, imposing, and seem to have a lot of firepower. On the other hand, all it takes is one plucky kid who used to bulls-eye womp rats in his T-16 back home, and they’re toast. In other words, this is the team to beat, but they’re one T.O. meltdown away from exploding and sending pieces scattering across the galaxy.

Final Grade: 3 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences (for now)

Surfers: QB: A battered and aging McNair, Donnovan McNabb. RB: Tiki, Ahman “how my stock has plummeted” Green, Brandon Jacobs, Kevan “Rat Bastard” Barlow. WR: Chambers, Holt, Driver, Bryant, Curry, Gabriel. TE: Witten. K: Reed. D: Broncos, Colts.

If I had to choose a runner up, it’d be the Surf Riders. In fact, it’s awfully close. In some ways, this team is more balanced, but lacks some of the explosive potential of the Man Hands. Tiki might not be L.J., but he’s pretty damn good. McNabb’s a bit of a question mark, as is McNair, but Philly could be good this year. Again, three WR would be best for this team, since Green is unlikely to produce. Still, there’s a lot to like all around.

Final Grade: 3 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences

Blackouts: QB: Rivers, Eli. RB: Steven Jackson, Reggie Bush, Stephen Davis, DeShaun Foster, Mike Bell. WR: Reggie Wayne, Javon Walker, Mark Bradley, Ernest Wilford, the other Clayton. TE: L.J. Smith, Bubba Franks. K: some guy named Michael Koenen. D: Chiefs.

Jackson’s predicted to have a breakout year, so could be in good shape at RB. Eli could produce some good numbers, too. I like Javon Walker to have a good year, and Reggie Wayne’s not too shabby, though he can be hit-or-miss. I’m not too high on the Chiefs D, though. Overall, a good squad but I don’t think there’ll be a repeat.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences.

Wild Thangs: QB: Tom Brady, Chris Simms, David Carr. RB: Jamal Lewis, Buckhalter, Lendell White, Edge. WR: Rod Smith, Peerless Price, Anquan Boldin, Randel El, Joey Galloway. TE: Ben Watson, Coutney Anderson. K: Rackers. D: Steelers.

Nice QB’s, but I’m not so sure about the RB’s. I think Edge is going to disappoint in Arizona, and I don’t like Jamal Lewis anymore. I like Anquan at WR, but think Rod Smith will be overshadowed by Javon Walker, and Galloway won’t duplicate his numbers from last year. Peerless Price just bothers me. Watson could be a great pickup at TE.

Final Grade: 2 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences (though at least 3 if Edge produces)

Sluts: QB: Carson Palmer, Jake Plummer. RB: LaMont DuPont Jordan, Kevin Jones, Laurence Macaroni Maroney, Sammy Gado. WR: Hines Ward, Drew Bennett, Nate Burleson, Brandon Lloyd, Donte Stallworth. TE: Tony G. Wiggs. K: Graham, D: Panthers, Vikings.

There’s a lot to admire about the Sluts: their balance, their form, their audacity. Once again, I think it will be an up and down season for them, one filled with sweat, exertion, exhilaration, excitement, and promise…but one that will ultimately leave them frustrated and disappointed. Having Palm-Her and Plum-Her on the Sluts is a decisive move which will leave their fans coming back for more, multiple times. I don’t like the backup RB situation, however, since Kevin Jones hasn’t produced, and seems to have peaked too soon. It’s also risky relying on Ward as your number 1 WR when he’s so injury prone.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences

Buffy’s: QB: Brett “Older Than Dirt” Favre, Kurt “Dirt” Warner, Matt “Laguna” Leinert. RB: Ronnie Brown, DeAngelo Williams, Reuben Droughns, Wali Lundy. WR: Chad Johnson, Housh, Joe Horn, Marcus Robinson, Greg Jennings. TE: Antonio Gates, Alex Smith. K: Lawrence Tynes. D: Bucs.

Looks like the Chimps won’t win after all…seeing as how they don’t exist. Shame, really. As far as the Buffy’s go, there’s the potential to put up some big points at WR, especially with Chad Johnson leading the way. RB’s are somewhat shaky after Ronnie Brown, although Droughns isn’t a terrible no.2, and Williams may well be the starter before too long. Having Gates is great, too…but QB concerns will plague this team over the course of the season.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences

Juggs: QB: Delhomme, Johnson, Kitna. RB: Caddy, Dillon, Morency, Addai, Henry. WR: Larry Fitzgerald, D.Jack, Keyshawn, Moose Muhammad. TE: Crumpler. K: Gostkowski. D: Giants, Falcons.

Matt seemed pretty low on his team, but I think they have promise. Delhomme is a vastly underrated quarterback and could easily have another great season. Caddy will do great as the number 1 RB, and Dillon isn’t an awful backup, though he’s not great, either. Addai might come into his own before too long, though. At WR, Fitzgerald is outstanding, and Darrel Jackson’s great as long as he’s healthy. Add a great TE, a promising kicker, and a formidable Giants D, and you’ve got yourself a good team.

Final Grade: 3 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences (just barely…if Jackson stays healthy…2 ½ out of 4 if he doesn’t)

Well, folks…there you have it. That’s it. I’ve wasted way too much time at work. It’s time to get my priorities straight. Now I have to check on my team in the other league.

By the way Peter, I’ve already filed the restraining order, so save your money and don’t bother buying the bullets.

Good luck all!

Let The Games Begin!

2006-08-31T10:29:00.000-07:00

With the 2006 draft close upon us, it struck me as high time to get the Montana Mile League blog juices flowing. Clear out the cobwebs, shake up the gray matter a bit, have a cup o' joe, thank whatever god you believe in for cooler weather, and focus on football!

Ahhhh...

My favorite time of year, no doubt. So, I thought I'd start enjoying it now, because it always seems to conclude far too quickly!

Naturally, it's hard to have much to say at this point, not even having had the draft yet, leaving us with little to do but poke fun at historical behavior of certain teams.

Most notably, if I don't miss my mark, right about now, there must be rampant speculation as to whether--could it be true--Randy Moss, a number 1 pick?

And what with last year's performance and the possibility of being the #1 starting receiver in Cleveland, just how high can Joe Jurevicius go?

Week 16 Playoff Recap!

2005-12-27T12:25:00.000-08:00

Emerald City Chimps (141) defeat Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (60)
Kevin did himself no favors by boldly predicting defeat on the IOP message boards. His team limped towards their second lowest point output of the season (he had scored a flaccid 54 points in week 4) and his self-fulfilling prophecy was complete. Like a triumphant Luke Skywalker, the Chimps thrashed down on the evil empire before Darth Vader could even consider the words, “I am your father”. Even the Chimp bench got in the act, outscoring Kevin’s starting 8 (69-60). The Savages lone star was Anquan Boldin (18 points), as he has left all skeptics in the dust and will undoubtedly be a top WR pick in the 2006 Fantasy Draft. David Garrard put up a feisty 15 fantasy points, but it proved futile as the rest of the Savage Beast could only muster a total of 27 points between 6 positions. Kevin’s team picked the wrong week to quit smoking. The Chimps only required two players to pound the Savages into submission: Santana Moss (loc’d out going crazy with 36 points) and Tory Holt (27 points). Only one player on the Chimps squad decided to take it easy on Saturday, that was L. Tynes of the KC Chiefs – he missed a PAT and a FG on his way to one point. The Chimps could have scored 147 points this week, but that would have required using Vick and Mason instead of Brunell and Parker – but Commish will take the W and move his way into the finals with a smile on his face.

Rolling Blackouts (92) defeat Arcadia Bobcats (70)
The Browns DST put up negative 11 points for Peter Bobcat this week. There is nothing, however, that his bench could have done – his entire 16 man roster only scored 87 points. Ron must thank the gods of fate for not pitting him against the Chimps this week. Sadly for Kevin, however, he would have lost no matter who his opponent could have been this week. Pete saw sharp performances from Ricky Williams (20), Chad Johnson (21), and Chris ‘Waiver Wire Gold’ Cooley (12), but they were not enough to pick up the slack from such ugly performances as Drew Brees (8), Jonathan Wells (8) and Marty Booker (5). Ron benefited from having 5 players in double figures, led by the two headed beats of Tiki (11) and Portis (22) and rounded off with a little Chris “Marilyn” Chambers (19) and Matt Stover (12). His bench was also solid with 61 points (enough to beat Kevin!).

Kevin’s grade for the Blackouts post draft: Doesn’t suck, Doesn’t Rule.
Kevin’s grade for the Chimps post draft: Doesn’t Suck, Doesn’t Rule
Chimps COTW total for 2005: 3
Chimps Lose total for 2005: 4
Number of games Ron won when scoring less than 65 points: 3
Number of games Ron scored less than 65 points: 7
Number of games Pete scored 65 of less: 6
Number of games Kevin scored over 90 points: 9

Week 13: A Bit of Frost on the Hillside (by Kevin Savage!)

2005-12-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

The slate skies overhead herald the arrival of December…another corner turned, and the drama grows thicker, the stakes heavier, and the lessons learned more poignant and piercing. The playoffs are nearly upon us, and the journey has not been easy.

Across a surging sea we’ve made our path, and pause to mourn those we’ve lost (Javon Walker, we hardly knew ye) and those who will never be the same again (Daunte…Jamal, Jamal…Daunte).

And now we emerge, mud-encrusted and gasping, in the true belly of the beast. This was a harsh week, full of unrelenting opponents, taut, hard-fought contests, and impressive performances from unheralded players. In short, a true week of football.

To the recap:

Sluts (87) v. Steamrollers (75)
The California Courtesans have come on strong the second half of the season, after finishing underneath, behind, and after most of their opponents scant months ago. But that’s the problem with ladies of the night…they never seem to peak at the right time. Sad, but I suppose your timing’s bound to be a little off when you’re setting your watch to the tremulous rhythms of a stranger’s idle hands.

Recently, though, they’ve managed to come on top, multiple times. And this week their prowess left the defending champs limp, deflated, and the victims of a record-breaking ninth-straight loss, Sei’s team’s good name more sullied than threadbare sheets in a dingy Las Vegas motel.

In Larry Johnson the Sluts have found a future top-three draft pick, and a possible heir-apparent to L.T.’s crown. Starting Big Ben (25 points) over the Aging Gunslinger, who, God bless ‘em, tries his damndest (-1…tragic) was a key tactical decision, although seating a solid, though not spectacular, D. Davis in favor of prison flunkie and all-around disappointment Jamal Lewis was certainly a questionable move.

Meanwhile, the waiver-wire master was unable to draw blood from stones like Ryan Fitzpatrick (alas, my namesake!) and C. Martin (who hasn’t scored in double digits since week 7). Samkon Gado, everyone’s favorite Nigerian (sorry Christian Okoye), strode grimly into battle once again, and though his point total was fairly lackluster (10) he remains a bona fide diamond in the rough this late in the game. Well, he would if he played for a team that had a chance.

Blackouts (131) v. Surf Riders (64)
Some matchups leave us nodding knowingly, studying the implications to the sparest detail, and weighing the possibilities on our mental scales. Others leave us stumbling and dazed, more confounded than Peter after a Sunday morning wake-and-bake.

This game was both.

The decadence of the Blackouts was simply astounding. Even with Chris Chambers’ staggering 36 points languishing on the bench, the Blackouts still amassed 131 in an absolute rout of the poor Surf Riders. Brad Johnson continues to be an admirable fill-in for the ligament-less Culpepper, and Portis, Housh, and Tiki blasted the Surf Riders with their daunting point-totals. But the performances of these gritty warriors were overshadowed by a dizzying display of defensive dominance, a blistering attack from a largely mediocre Seattle squad during one of the most mind-numbing and tedious games in the history of Monday Night Football. Three turnovers returned for touchdowns is certainly a laudable effort, but a Brobdingnagian 48 points? Gadzooks.

The Surf Riders could only muster a tepid 64 points in response, and only two players, Kurt Warner (14), and Hines Ward (26), contributed anything of significance. Mewelde Moore continued to be less, not more, Jermaine Wiggins slept in that day, and a normally resilient Jags’ D chipped in for a mere 9 points against an anemic Cleveland team. Even Lee Evans’ 30 bench points would’ve been useless against this onslaught. Ouch.

Chimps (67) v. Juggs (66)
If Eskimos have dozens of different words for snow, how many do the Juggernauts have for “loser”?

Several months ago, the Juggs were clearly the team to beat coming out of the draft. Their lineup would’ve made prognosticators and pundits salivate at the possibilities…every analyst predicted McGahee would explode this year (6 points this week), Julius Jones would come into his own (15…on the bench!!), and Andre Johnson would pick up where he left off (6 bench points)…on paper, Matt’s team was clearly superior to any in the league. But as they say, that is why they glay the pame.

I shamelessly admit to being a Juggs fan during this epic, frustrating struggle. “One more goddamn catch!” I shouted to the television, hoping against hope that Mr. Gates would come through in the clutch. Even a tie would be enough to vault my Savages back into their rightful position at the top of the division. Even a tie…

But no. It’s frustrating having the best team, but the worst luck. Tragic comedy, like when a clown dies.

Meanwhile, the torch for the “Luckiest Sonofabitch in the League” has been handed off yet again. Once passed between the Pussycats and the Blackouts with more frequency than a San Francisco Slut between two ale-soaked longshoremen, the torch now rests comfortably within the thumb-less paws of Sir Chimpy. Aside from the Buccaneers Defense (23), his team was dismal…how very, very unfair.

I’ve tasted bitterness before, and recognize its tart flavor all too well. Oddly enough, it kind of tastes like marzipan. Anyway, many a wall in my apartment needs a little patchwork after that Monday night game. Surcharged, indeed.

Beatles (80) v. Manhandlers (46)
The MM’s piteous performance this week is probably best forgotten, while the Beatles remain a team with a few stout players and an assortment of scrubs, bumblers, and ne’er- do-wells.

Joey Galloway was the only soldier on the Manhandlers’ squad to marshal double digits, and the Broncos D’s total of -4 is grounds for a trip to the glue factory. Meanwhile, Deshaun Foster relaxed on the sidelines with an impressive total of 27, and the Redskins’ Defense throttled the Rams for 18 more squandered points.

For the Beatles, Peyton, Fitzgerald, and a formidable Bears D chipped in for their requisite amounts, Terry Glenn finally caught a touchdown and Keyshawn reverted to being Keyshawn. Steve Heiden also started at tight end. Inexplicably.

On a side-note, Thomas Jones has disappeared. Lost amidst a lackluster offense and a marquee D, Mr. Jones will need to keep up with his earlier stats if the Beatles hope to beat those obnoxious kitty cats this weekend.

Bobcats (90) v. Motha Tucka’s (60)
The signs are grim. Though their team is largely unbalanced, with gaping holes at key positions, the Pussycats are a fortuitous bunch. Should they hoist the coveted MML trophy, many years from now when all our bones are dust, atheists the world over will continue to point to the Bobcats’ dubious Championship as indisputable proof that there is no God. Should this aggravating group of trash talkers and communists achieve that shining goal, I’d be hard pressed not to agree that yes, in fact, we are alone.

Once again, Peter “I-Should’ve-Consulted-My-Shakespearean-Dictionary-Before-Writing-Last-Week’s-Recap” (“wherefore” means “why” not “where,” Boss) Schoewe’s Overachievers…I mean Bobcats…proved the better team. It was indeed a true team effort, with fairly humdrum performances from the usual suspects (L.T. at 9, Brees at 14, C. Johnson at 7). Crucial was a formidable Giants D that remained bulletproof and steadfast as they stared down the Cowboys.

Throughout the course of the season, the Mutha’Tucka’s have proven to be a high-scoring machine. Once again, Peter’s luck held true, as the ‘Tuckers amassed a mediocre 60 points, despite a ferocious assault from both Rudi and Shaun Alexander. When Plaxico, Witten, and Muhammad combine for 6 total points, chances are you’ll be left grasping the ground in defeat.

Savages (108) v. Wild Things (36)
To quote Peter Griffin: “Can someone give me a hand with all this talent?”

Once again, my peyote-swillin’ pagans did me proud, and proved that, meaningless records and opportune match-ups aside, they are clearly the team to beat in the MML. More well-rounded than Salma Hayek in a girdle, they continue to own the century club, having scored over 100 in six of the last nine weeks, and over 90 in eight of the last nine.
And in Edge (18 points), Lamont Jordan (only 2? Must’ve been doped up or something), and Steve Smith (15), the Savages have three of the top seven scorers in the entire league.

I’d share more stats, but I’d hate to devolve into something resembling a Schoewe.

Needless to say, they made short work of their hapless opponent this week. I’m not sure exactly where the wild things are…but they definitely aren’t in playoff contention, having been ravaged by the Eagles’ rapid descent into failure.

It’s getting good now. One week closer, but questions still need to be answered. Who will claim the final two playoff berths? Is there justice in the world, and will Peter’s ramshackle team ever get the ass-whipping it truly deserves? Will I capture the division title that is rightfully mine, or will I be forced to slog my way through the playoffs like a common serf? And finally, and most importantly…does Christmas smell like oranges? So many questions.

And so we beat on, boats against the current…to week fourteen.

Weak 12: Wherefore Art Thou, Samkon?

2005-12-01T15:41:00.000-08:00

Time passes so quickly, leaving little in its wake but memories of greatness and tears of sadness. Here we are, already past Week 12, and within the Montana Mile League, parity is beginning to fade like last summer’s wine. There are winners here we can pass our fingers over and play with like bright, shining baubles—and losers we can shun, cast into the corner and let whither and die. I will detail all below, in my recap of this week’s bruising divisional match-ups.

Ocean Beach Surf Riders defeat Bay City Steamrollers, 89 to 66

The defending league champions must regret their audacious draft ploy—hiking on a beautiful August day instead of spending four anxious and uncomfortable hours in front of a slowly reloading computer screen. The Steamroller coach should never have believed his own hype—namely that some mystical waiver-wire skills could redeem a team of second-raters. This week, such waiver-wire favorites such as Mike McMahon and Marion Barber added a grand total of five points to the Bay City bottom line, while, strangely, last week’s darling, Samkon Gado, was nowhere to be found, not even on the Steamrollers’ bench. Had the young Nigerian not been released by the fickle club mid-week, he could have added fifteen points to the ‘Rollers total—an agonizing footnote, I’m sure, but still not enough to overcome the Surfers, who were tent-polled by a resurgent McNair and the dependable Jaguars D. Bay City stays at the bottom of the Lombardi with a record of 3 and 9, while the Keanu Point Breakers continue at second place with a record of 5 and 7. Hoo-rah! Harrumph!

Joe’s Mother Tuckers defeat Chicago Long-Horned Beatles, 102 to 80

The two teams tied for second place in the Nagurski met up for one of this week’s more exciting games. Bill’s Beatles looked solid all around, but only got 12 points out of the vaunted Bears Defense, while the Mother Tuckers rode Rudi, Shaun, Plaxico and Jason past the century mark. (Egad, that’s a tough foursome for the valiant Bobcats to face in week 13!) When the dust fell, the Tuckers remained standing in second place, with a record of 7 and 5, while the Long-Horned Chad-and-Jeremy’s record fell to 6 and 6, dropping them to third place, now tied with the Manhandlers and their greedy and grasping hands. Booyah! Let’s get crunk!

Rolling Rock Wild Things defeat the Juggernauts, 88 to 57

My assumption was that the Wild Things were self-destructing as rapidly as Eagles, being such myrmidons to their professional idols. But lo and behold, here they are with a 7 and 5 record, tied with the high-flying Savages for second place in the competitive Butkus. They were helped by a dispirited Juggernauts crew (long gone are the days when league wags dubbed the Juggs “Team of the Future”) and by a resplendent, Thanksgiving-inspired performance by a tight end named Alge. Other than Carson Palmer, the Juggs were mostly miserable, and compounded their ineptitude by leaving their best performer, Andre Johnson, cooling his heels on the bench. Unsurprisingly, the Let-Me-Get-My-Hands-On-Your are reveling in last place in the But, with a record of 5 and 7. My goodness!

Emerald City Chimps defeat the Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages, 111 to 93

Pity young Kevin, who always tries so hard and always comes up short. This was the week, after all his fitful maneuvering and wild cursing at the cruelty of fate, that he was going to take his rightful place at top of the Montana Mile Football League. He could taste the glory, he was so close. After all, didn’t his brave Savages have the highest point total of any other team, soaring above 1,000, while most of us were stuck in the 800s? And didn’t he have a roster of great performers, eager to score, such as LaMont Jordan (24 points) and a now healthy Anquan Boldin (16 points)? Didn’t he, didn’t he ... the shattered hopes are for the historians now, as the sneaky Chimps fly into first place, based on solid performances all around, especially from Torry Holt, Todd Heap and even his kicker, who chipped in fourteen points. We’ll continue to watch the grappling at the top of the Butkus closely, those of us who love the gritty and tragic drama of fantasy football. Erm, yes!

SF Sluts defeat the Rolling Blackouts, 91 to 77

Reality is a woman who successfully balances career and family, I heard once. The Rolling Blackouts made that discovery this week, when they were finally no longer allowed to coast by with low point totals and easy match-ups—due to the strong performance of the Sluts, who showed up to play this week in full Crocker-Amazonian regalia. Shockey and Larry Johnson both scored in the twenties, while the Blackouts mustered only three points from Ernest Wilford, while letting Houshmandzadeh clamor on the bench with 147 yards in his quiver. Still, the Blackouts continue their unlikely reign at the top of the Lombardi, while the Sliced Breads improve slightly to 4 and 8, enough for third place in this also-ran division. Muktada!

Arcadia Bobcats defeat Mission Manhandlers, 90 to 77

I get a little lump in my throat every time I see Shmoo gazing at me from the Manhandlers’ logo. She was a good cat. But sentimentality can’t extend to the astroturf, and my brisk Bobcats quickly swept the Manhandlers off the field, in spite of some poor choices by your harried coach (such as Brees instead of Manning and Ronnie instead of Ricky). It helps, I guess, when you have a player who will gladly contribute almost half of your points. Still, I have to say that all signs point to me being a lock for league champion this year—witness my unshakeable hold on the top of the Nagurski. So for those of you who would like to write out your checks right now, the last name is spelled S-C-H-O-E-W-E. Gracias!

Weak 11 update

2005-11-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 116 at SF Sluts 114
Melissa must be surcharged with bitterness after this defeat. She left 50 points on her bench. For some reason she felt compelled to start Antowain Smith (1 point) – his longest run was 5 yards. She left Domanick Davis (13 points) and TJ Duckett (9 points) sitting there picking their teeth with the splinters from their bums. For a second there I thought she was going to eek out a victory, she was only 5 points behind at half-time of the Monday Night game – but inexplicably, Favre and Driver only scored 3 points in the 2nd half. Atrabiliar!

Emerald City Chimps 65 at Rolling Blackouts 61
Ok – after Sunday I was CERTAIN of my own Chumpitude. After hearing on CBS that Fragile Fred was starting, I quickly swapped out Greg Jones for Fred Taylor. For a second there I thought about starting Cadillac Williams, but given his fumble-itis and poor scoring over the last 4 weeks, I decided to go with the Jags backfield. I also opted not to start the red hot Michael Vick – instead I went with the very cold Mark Brunell. I counted up the 100 points I would’ve had and I became surcharged with bitterness, altrabiliar. Ron had 60 points going into Monday Night and he had Brad Johnson leading his charge. Imagine my surprise when Ron still had 60 points after halftime. An interception and lost fumble later in the 2nd half, a touchdown scored on a running play, and what do you know? I had snatched victory out of the jaws of defeat after having snatched defeat out of the jaws of victory. Can you tell I’m running out of catch phrases? San Dimas High School Football Rules!

Bay City Steamrollers 71 at Mission Manhandlers 83
Sei lost by 12 points. Sam Gado scored 2 points – Lee Evans scored 6 points. On his bench he had Marion Barber (14 points) and R. Brown (12 points). Well, I guess I can’t fault him for starting Lee Evans, and even if he had tied Kanako he still would have lost by virtue of less bench points. At 3-8, Sei is pretty much eliminated from the playoffs this year. The mighty have fallen. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sei is surcharged with bitterness, atrabiliar. Amazingly Kanako won despite some very poor performances from her backfield. Stephen Davis had 0 points on 6 yards rushing and Stephen Jackson had 1 point from 3 receptions (lost 2 points on a fumble!). Chris Brown and Reuben Droughns both had 21 points each! What do they say about being lucky versus being good?

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 82 at Arcadia Bobcats 91
Now this game was something to behold. Combined points for all players on both teams was astounding! Bobcats = 162. Surf Riders = 171. That’s some craziness. Unfortunately for Glen (who I know is most of the time surcharged with bitterness, atrabiliar) he made a few poor coaching decisions and suffered the nagging claws of Peter. But I have to wonder why he started Heath Evans at RB. He had Mewelde Moore sitting on his bench with 13 points, Evans only had 5. Ok, so that would’ve out him 1 point behind – but he also started Deion Branch instead of red hot Jerry Porter. That was a 7 point mistake. That, my dear readers, is chumpworthy.

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 93 at The Juggernauts 76
Juggs needs more support. Even a zero from Desmond Clark didn’t stop Bill’s Bears from winning handily. It helps that the Bears DST is unstoppable (I’m a believer now, since they actually played a pretty decent Carolina Panthers offense). Even 31 points from Mike Anderson wasn’t enough to get these Juggs out of traction. Of course -12 from the Bengals Defense also isn’t going to help your cause. Matt is SWB, A.

Joe's Mother Tuckers 102 at Rolling Rock Wild Things 69
I think Mr. Fred is down for the count. He released TO, now he starts Bettis at running back and gets a goose egg. It doesn’t help that Donte was on the bench with 21 points (he cannot be relied upon!) and Crumpler with 12 points. Mr. Fred is SWB, A.

Ok – I ran out of steam, but an update is better than no update. Or is it? You decide! C’mon people, I have a new job here, I just moved to another state, cut me some slack! I have become surcharged with bitterness, atrabiliar.

Week 8

2005-11-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

I post this quickly, so I won’t get snippy comments about the recap being late from one owner who shall remain unnamed. Who, if I remember correctly, was none to speedy w/his recap neither.

But, I come to bury Week8, and not Caesar, so here we go:

Mission Manhandlers 110 def Scavages 104

First off, congratulations to both teams in being involved in the only game this year where both teams broke into triple digits. The extra dollop of congratulations goes to the Dead Schmoos for overcoming the negative 6 points from the defense and still winning. She did this w/a solid performance up and down her lineup, w/6 players in double digits. Now there are those who are going to point out that the Scavages could’ve won if Kevin would’ve played Eddie “I’m not dead yet” Kennison, Kevin “It’s all in the name” Jones or Jake “I’m not related to that fat chef” Delhomme, but I’m hard pressed to say I’d have done anything different.

Game ball: Although it’s hard to pass up Steve Smith’s 33pt performance. I’m gonna do it, and award it to Feely the kicker: 5 FG, w/4 of them 39yds or longer! And 3 XP’s. Steve “Don’t call me Jimmy or Antwoin” Smith has and I’m sure will continue to get his share of game balls in the following weeks.

Joe’s Mother Tuckers 67 def SF Sluts 59

After a brief visit to the win column that had all the pundits scratching their heads, the Sluts are back to familiar territory--flat on their backs, losing listlessly. As much as I hate to say it, Brett is getting a bit long in the tooth and he has no one to throw to. Which makes the Brett over Ben decision eminently Chump-worthy. I’d also like to go against the usual sparing of winning coaches the dubious COTW honors, and nominate Joe. Jake “Not the Roto-Rooter” Plummer had 31 pts on the bench compared on Drew “I’m done bleeding” Bledsoe’s 9.

Game ball: Plummer 31pts.

Juggs 119 def ‘Rollers 59

This was the tale of two teams going in opposite directions. The Juggs were on a 2 game winning streak and the ‘Rollers were one a 3 game losing streak. And like the America of today, the Winning got more winning and the losing got more losing. A balanced attack, w/an eye-popping performance by Antonio “I should make Bill money” Gates w/35. The Rollers only excuse was a bye-heavy lineup which required creative lineup management. As is usually the case, creative management = crappy management, w/only Tony Fisher doing anything. Rest assured, the rest of this motley crew is destined for the Waiver heap in short order. To be replaced by the next batch to be scrapped the following week. The only faint glimmer of hope for the defending champs was the performance of one Marion Barber w/25pts on the bench. But being two games below 500 in week 8 is a tough spot to make the playoffs.

Game Ball: Gates 35pts

Blackouts 95 def Beatles 52

It was truly a pyrrhic victory for the Blackouts losing their Culpepper this week. It was also an unusual victory in that the Blackouts actually scored over 70 points. The Blackouts have the lowest point total of any team in the league, yet they are tied for the 2^nd best record! But back to this week’s game. Culpepper wasn’t able to do much, but Tiki and the Dallas D kept the torches bright for the Blackouts. For the Beatles, well, they’re lucky that they had a truly pathetic performance by the Chimps to save them from the ignominy of the lowest point total. A year or two back, I proposed a general rule of thumb (or Sei’s Plastic Pearl): If your Defense leads your scoring, you’re in trouble. Although this year’s D scoring seems a bit high, the rule still holds. Like in this game.

Game Ball: Tiki 27pts

Bobcats 89 def Chimps 28

28! As was mentioned previously, it’s not a new record (26 by the Titans), but it’s damn close. The observation here is you live by the Brunell/Moss combination and you die by the Brunell/Moss combination. The flea-bitten primates had no one in double figures, and probably more damning is that they had over twice as many points on the bench than starters. Now if you take out the two players on byes, that means the Chimps 6 bench players more than doubled the output of the 8 starters. That makes this Chimp very Chump-worthy.

As for the Bobcats, here’s an example of why the previous pearl was plastic: The D led in scoring and they won. Which in my mind points to the D scoring being out of whack. But that’s another tirade for another time.

Game Ball: Giants D

Wild Things 102 def Surf Riders 74

It was a good week for the PA heavy Wild Things, who got solid efforts from TO and Heath “Not Cliff” Miller. A resurgent effort by Eric “I just needed a non-Losman QB” Moulds couldn’t overcome the 4pt effort by the once-might Priest. Although the OBSR’s had lots of points on the bench, there was no lineup that could’ve beat the RRWT’s total. Which, of course does not mean that they should be spared the COTW honors.

Game Ball: TO

One final observation: At the slightly past the midway point of the season, there seems to be a changing of the guard at the top of the standings. The teams that are leading the three divisions are the Bobcats, Chimps, and Blackouts. In the history of the league, I believe these teams are a combined 0-3 in the playoffs. This means they’ve made it to the playoffs only 3 times, and have lost in the first round each time. I guess if Sox of all colors can win the World Series, there’s no reason why these teams can’t win the MMFL. Or maybe this is yet another sign of the impending apocalypse.

Week Seven Recap By Kevin

2005-11-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

SF Sluts 101
Mission Manhandlers 76

Sometimes it’s easy bein’ easy…

In the true spirit of the Halloween season, the perennial pleasure toy of the MML turned a few tricks one week early, and treated spectators to the second highest point total of the week. Brett “I don’t need no stinkin’ receivers” Favre continued to shine on a tragically depleted Green Bay team. Donald Driver, who appears to be the only other Packer on offense not suffering from torn meniscus of some form, chipped in for 20. Domanick “I don’t need no stinkin’ offensive line” Davis is the lone star on the Lone Star State’s ugliest team since the 1-15 Cowboys.

And for the Manhandlers? Randy Moss wasn’t supposed to start…but did start…but sucked. Well, 10 points isn’t horrible, but Randy hasn’t been Randy this season. Steven Jackson (18 points) continues to shoulder the workload now that they don’t have a quarterback who can throw, and Tony G woke from his long-overdue slumber, but failed to record a TD reception.

Nice performance by the Sluts, but something tells me they’ll be taking it lying down soon enough.

Rolling Blackouts 83 (34)
Rolling Rock Wild Things 83 (26)

It has gotta suck losing the tiebreaker games. But can we examine the Rolling Blackouts for just one moment, please? They won their first matchup with only 63 points, they beat the Steamrollers by 1 in week three, they score only 53 last week (more than enough to handle the Manhandlers)…and now they win a tie.

If I had their luck, I’d be in Vegas every day, every hour, for the rest of my life.

I, on the other hand, score over 100 points and still lose. Oh wait, this is week seven, and that hasn’t happened yet…

399 points they’ve scored this season. That’s it. Yet they’re still 4-3.

To be honest, I don’t even want to recap this game. Now I’m too pissed off.

It is interesting to note that during one of Culpepper’s few bright games (20) he was relegated to the bench (not that he’s been a model of consistency), and for awhile I thought that would cost the team dearly. Clinton “now this is why you drafted me” Portis finally found his stride (29 points), and helped carry the team, despite a dismal performance from the slumping Bills Defense (-6).

On the flip side, the Wild Things received solid contributions from Brian Westbrook (14), T.O. (15), Donte’ “I’m as inconsistent as they come” Stallworth (10), and Heath “diamond in the rough” Miller (14). But Trent Green continues to underachieve, and the Wild Things really don’t have much firepower at the RB position. With no one to speak of on the bench, the Wild Things suffered a cruel fate.

Ironically, it was Culpepper who saved the day, his 20 bench points rolling the blackouts past the wild things. Ouch.

Juggs 71
Cats 64

Ah, my favorite game of the week. Though recitation of Merle Haggard lyrics and a keen eye for plaid shirts are the regular barometers of manhood within the Schoewe household, the true testament of fraternal superiority lies in the dust and blood coating the air every Sunday afternoon…that sibling clash on the battlefield, that brutal grappling between two soon-to-be-pedestrian teams.

This was a roller-coaster of a contest, with some highly unpredictable results. Fantasy Football All Star and Jack of All Trades, Ladanian Tomlinson, did, well, jack (7 rushing yards? huh?)…and the Giants’ defense dealt a devastating blow to the frail Kittens. Yet Matt “I picked up Peerless Price because I’m desperate” Schoewe still can’t find a wide receiver, and Troy “worthless” Williamson’s solitary point caused the Juggs to sag even lower.

And a touchdown pass from the younger, greedier Manning within the final minute against the Broncos caused the Cats to surge even farther ahead. The dramatic move set the stage for a Monday night showdown, with the Juggs’ only hopes of rising resting on Mr. Laveranues “please don’t call me Shirley” Coles.

The game seemed to stretch on for an eternity, not because of the gripping, surging drama unfolding before us, but because it was actually a pretty bad game. There were times I thought Matt would somehow find a way to lose (and the Cats likely yowled with glee at the sight of Vinny “I’m older than dirt” Testaverde rolling his wheelchair across the goal-line instead of passing to his number 1 WR). Yet, though the Juggs were drooping, limp and flabby, they managed to milk enough points from Mr. Coles to spay the feral felines. Bob Barker, who watched from the sidelines, nodded his approval.

Matt, on a side note, Carson Palmer looked very Kerry Collins-esque. I know we debated QB’s early on. And yes, I’ll admit Carson’s easily the better producer this season…then again, he’s playing on your team, so he’d better be.

Savages 105
SurfRiders 75

As any surfer knows, you should never don your wetsuit without making sure your bulge is accounted for. Unfortunately for the SurfRiders, Bulger’s injury meant one turgid goose-egg on their stat sheet. But being Bulger-less was the least of their problems. To make matters worse, their only other quarterback, Steve “sucking air” McNair, was also out, leaving them with no option, as they couldn’t add and drop before game time. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it would’ve mattered, although a good QB performance would certainly have made me tear my hair out…thankfully, that didn’t happen until week 8.

Ferguson’s injuries affected the final tally, too. Every year, some teams just get beat down with injuries…that’s the way it goes. Hell, in another league, I’ve got Bulger, Julius Jones, Ferguson, T.J. Housh, AND Javon Walker…you can imagine how sweet that team is. Ask Matt, he knows. Just don’t ask him about his team, because you’ll never hear the end of it.

On my side, I’m loving the Jordan/Edge combo…we’ll see how far that can carry me. Quite the unbalanced wagon for my tomahawk wavers… 0 points from Boldin, not much from Glenn, Kerry looking rather ho-hum…yet that dynamic duo and a good D helped vault me over the century mark. This marked the third week in a row I put up over 100 points. As long as I keep doing that, I’m sure I can’t lose…because someone who scores over a hundred never, ever loses.

Right?

Beatles 87
Steamrollers 70

Peyton Manning’s slow descent into mediocrity wasn’t enough to slow the Beatles, their meat-and-potatoes Bears D (17), and Thomas Jones (12). Across the field, the Donny “Chunky Soup” McNabb (9), Curtis Martin (11), and M. Harrison trio (15) just ain’t what it used to be.

Looking at the bench, nothing really could’ve been done. At 3-4, there’s still a lot of football to be played, and Sei’s a master of the waiver-wire…but McNabb’s nagging injuries, Curtis Martin’s more age-appropriate performance, and Manning’s sudden urge to not set any more records (thus Harrison’s drooping stats), don’t look to dissipate any time soon. Darrel Jackson’s injury, however, is the true blow to this franchise, as his weekly dependability somehow can’t be replicated by usual studs like Harrison and J. Smith (who was on a bye this week). Unless the team on the field starts resembling the team on paper very soon, I’m thinking things are starting to look grim for the defending champs.

Chimps 84
Motha’ Tuckas’ 64

Chimpy “there is no pain in this dojo” Lee (you refused to quote Cobra Kai, so I did it for you) continued his impressive hot streak with formidable totals from Mark Brunell (22) and Santana Moss (17), a nice file-in role (I say “fill-in” because I’m SURE he’ll start Fred Taylor in week 8…there just isn’t any doubt in my mind) from Fast Willie Parker (17)…and a steaming pile of crap from everyone else.

The Tuckas’ experienced the second-biggest anomaly this week in the sub-par performance of Shaun Alexander (behind L.T.’s mysteriously disappointing outing). Rudi Johnson (5 points) has been a pretty big disappointment this season too, as he’s only reached double-digits twice. Plexiglass Burress had a decent game (15), and though he’s come down to Earth after a truly inspired week 4, he remains a dependable number 1.

Not much happening on the bench either, and CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME why Javon Walker is still riding pine for this team? Drop him, add someone…hit the waiver-wire…what is he, like a good luck charm or something? I just don’t get it.

Regardless, Chimps looked good yet again, Tuckas’ are kind of a feast-or-famine team. But we’ll see what happens if Brunell has a bad outing (ok, I know how week 8 went, but I was planning on writing that anyway).

Anyway, that’s week 7. One week late, but not as tardy as week 6. Good luck to all in week 9…except to the Rolling Blackouts (who I play, and who don’t seem to need any more luck on their side), and The Juggernauts (who I just don’t like).

Week 6 - 2005 - Recap

2005-10-26T14:28:00.000-07:00

Well, considering that I said I'd write the week 6 recap if no one else volunteered, here goes. I don't take any responsibility for the lameness that follows:

SF Sluts 78 at The Juggernauts 79
Juggs bounces reverse Cowgirl all over the QB-deficient Sluts. Tommy Maddox = 1 point. Sluts lose. At least Melissa didn't start the Patriots defense (-9). Sluts with 4 players in double figgs, Juggs with only three. Juggs still win. Thank god for Willis McGhahee (21 points).

Arcadia Bobcats 98 at Rolling Rock Wild Things 62
Mr. Fred only had 76 total points from all 16 roster players. Then again he had 6 players on a bye week. I'm surprised the damage wasn't worse. I was expecting something along the lines of Edward Norton in Fight Club when he throws himself through that glass table. What we merely got was something out of a Harry Potter movie, with Peter playing the part of Voldemort and the hapless 45's cowering like a Weasley. I don't know what I'm talking about, I've never read a Harry Potter book in my life. Tomlie had 32 points, but Peter Bobcat didn't need 'em. Nuff said!

Mission Manhandlers 48 at Rolling Blackouts 53
Stinko game of the week. Blackouts manage ANOTHER victory despite having one of the lowest point totals in the history of Montana Mile League football. I guess it's all about the match-ups, and this year Ron has made the most out of the least. The cursing could be heard from Timbuktu once Randy Moss went down with a sore groin. 0 points from Mission Takeda's first round pick. Hell, at least you don't have the festering sore known as Nate Burleson. Bills DST with 15 points was the highest contributer. Can I go to sleep now?

Bay City Steamrollers 92 at Emerald City Chimps 123
Now my life is complete. I beat the defending champs, and I beat them with Mark Brunell at QB. Granted Mark Brunell has been a stud all year, so I'm glad to use him and 10th round pick Santana Moss. Even a 0 from Tyson Thompson (replacing the loss of #1 pick Deuce McCallister) didn't hinder the Chimps from reaching their 5th straight win. Kudos to aforementioned Moss, 34 points. Sei's team had a good week, but he was just the victim of poor scheduling. Sometimes the 4th highest point total equals a loss in the standings. Sometimes the 2nd highest point total equals a loss in the standings. But as the Chimps can attest to, the highest point total will always result in a W.

Joe's Mother Tuckers 85 at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 121
Joe Moto got scalped by Kevin Savage. Too bad he wasn't playing Ron. The Edge had 33 points. The Edge is unstoppable just as long as Marvin Harrison continues to demand double teams. Then again, if they stuff 8 in the box, Peyton Manning may finally wake up. Even 37 points from Shaun "you must give me a contract now because neither of us will be the same if i leave" Alexander was not enough to vault the Tuckers into fantasy bliss. The Savages are looking pretty strong, I pity the fool who has to play them in the playoffs (because I think he's gonna make it after all).

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 86 at Ocean Beach Surf Riders 91
Bill lost by 5 points. Bill started Joe Horn. Joe Horn didn't play. Bill didn't have any other receivers on his bench. Bill couldn't have done anything to salvage this game unless he had picked up someone through waivers earlier in the week. Now he wants a trade, bitch.

Note from the Commish: you get what you pay for. Kevin should have an easy time out-writing this column. Plus I've been reading too much Bill Simmons, so my tendency is to make pop culture references as much as possible - just be glad I didn't bring out the Brady Bunch references or refer to any team as a bunch of Cobra Kai flunkies.

Week 6 recap writers wanted!

2005-10-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

Anyone up for writing a week 6 recap? I'll do it if no one else volunteers, but given that my prose skills have gone the way of Travolta's waistline, I think perhaps some fresh ink is advisable?

Week 5 Recap - 2005

2005-10-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

This one is short and sweet. I must apologize for no Week 4 recap, the Juggs owner was supposed to post something, but he was too busy getting new implants. That might also explain why he lost this week.

Week 5: 10/4/05 - 10/10/05
Rolling Rock Wild Things 52 at SF Sluts 84
Rolling Blackouts 28 at Arcadia Bobcats 52
The Juggernauts 62 at Mission Manhandlers 82
Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 113 at Bay City Steamrollers 40
Ocean Beach Surf Riders 69 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 97
Emerald City Chimps 98 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 69

Rolling Rock Wild Things 52 at SF Sluts 84
The Sluts won! The Sluts won using the Detroit Defense. The Sluts starting 8 outscored Mr. Fred’s ENTIRE team (84 – 67). Mr. Fred is getting’ ready for a hurtin’ in week 6, as the Eagles are on a bye week. Time to put the practice squad on the field. What will help, however, is the re-emergence of the Bus. He’ll have to carry the 45’s on his back if there is any hope for this once proud franchise. Domanick Davis finally showed up for the Sluts, 20 points, along with 21 points from player of the game Brett Favre. The Sluts have officially gotten the proverbial monkey off their back, too bad they remain on their back holding down the cellar in their division.

Rolling Blackouts 28 at Arcadia Bobcats 52
Ok – 28 points is not the league record for fewest points scored in a given week – that distinction belongs to Matt’s team of yore, the Tundra Titans (a 26 point week!). Ron still has a long way to go to match the Chimps record of 8 straight loses, but a few more 28 point weeks and he will well on his way to matching that dubious achievement! Peter Bobcat had the third lowest points of the week and still managed victory (sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good). Pete had two players in negative points and still managed to win – talk about dumb luck. Player of the game is the legendary Tomlie, 18 points in a Monday night loss to the Steelers. And yes, Ron’s 28 point defensive swing (Falcons dst vs. using Buffalo) cost him the game and will most certainly earn him his first COTW of 2005.

The Juggernauts 62 at Mission Manhandlers 82
The Juggs got manhandled by Kanako (now isn’t that a tasty image!). Andre Johnson was held scoreless – so much for the Juggs marquee wide receiver – he has been one of the biggest Fantasy disappointments of 2005. Kanako saw a great return from Joe Jurevicius – 22 points and player of the game honors. Matt’s team looks ok on paper, but 62 points just won’t get it done during most weeks (although he could’ve beaten his brother this week!).

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 113 at Bay City Steamrollers 40
Kevin was 7 points away from tripling the total of Sei’s starting 8. Ouch! To make matters worse, Kevin bench almost outscored Sei’s ENTIRE roster (56-64). Steve “I am a must start in all fantasy formats” Smith had another outstanding showing with 27 points. It seems like Smith has great weeks every other week. Anquan Boldin continues to post consistent numbers with 25 points. Terry Glenn was left on the bench with another 25 points. Could Kevin’s team be waking up from an early season slumber? Should I have traded Fred Taylor for Terry Glenn when I had the chance? Is this the beginning of the end for the defending champs? Stay tuned.

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 69 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 97
A 17 point swing on Defense for Glen – but even if he had started the Jags defense, he still would’ve lost (97-86). Nothing he can do but cry afoul at the dominance of Joe’s Moto’s. Tom Brady takes player of the game honors with 26 points. Lots of bench scoring for both teams, but Joe left more on the bench than Glen (59-58). I’m not sure what Glen was thinking with Marshall Faulk at running back – that man is done . . . but I guess he won’t have to worry about it anymore given that he can slot in Priest Holmes for the rest of the season (provided Priest stays healthy).

Emerald City Chimps 98 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 69
Josh McCown 21 – Peyton Manning 8. While not the entire difference of this game, it was significant enough to point out. The Chimps also left Matt Schaub on the bench with 25 points. Go figure. 70 bench points for the Chimps, but that will happen when half your roster consists of back-up quarterbacks. Santana Moss continues to impress, and he will be making an appearance as a starting player next week against the defending champs. I’m not really sure why Bill started the Bears DST when the Colts were playing the 49ers. That was 17 points left on his bench, but again, wouldn’t have made a difference, he still would’ve lost. Chimps move to 4-1. Is the world coming to an end?

Week 3 - 2005 - Recap!

2005-09-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

Rolling Blackouts 64 at Bay City Steamrollers 63
Ingleside Instigators 69 at Ocean Beach Surf Riders 94
Mission Manhandlers 78 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 133
Arcadia Bobcats 84 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 59
Rolling Rock Wild Things 81 at Emerald City Chimps 106
The Juggernauts 113 at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 77

Another week is in the books! The competition was fierce - like an old man returning soup at a deli (name the reference) – but in the end the best teams triumphed. Have I ever mentioned that I love women’s boobs?

Rolling Blackouts 64 at Bay City Steamrollers 63
Misery and agony knocked on Sei’s door on Monday night. His vaunted Ravens Defense was on a bye week this week, so Sei did his best to put in a replacement defense for week 3. Little did he know that the very defense he selected would be his ultimate demise. I seem to remember a time last year when Sei was tempted just to start a defense that was on a bye week because he didn’t want to deal with potential negative points. It was either that or not starting a defense at all. Actually, I think he didn’t want to start a defense at all, but that was not allowed under league rules. Anyway, the KC defense got shredded by a rejuvenated Broncos running game. Net result was -9 points and the Steamrollers first defeat of the season. So far Sei has been embroiled in 2 close matches out of three, and he could easily be 1-2 or 1-1-1 if not for a tie-breaker that went to his advantage in the inaugural game. This match-up against Ron’s crew was a low scoring affair – and it seems that any team that plays Ron is in for a low scoring game. He ranks low in the power rankings because of his offensive output, but that doesn’t matter when you’re 2-1 and atop your division. Player of the game honors goes to Daunte’s Paradiso Culpepper who finally managed a good game with 27 points (3 passing TD’s and 300 yards).

Ingleside Instigators 69 at Ocean Beach Surf Riders 94
Futility and absence barged into TTFKATS (the team formerly known as the sluts) hizzie on Sunday. Depleted with the loss of Dominick “Safeway” Davis and Jamal Malcom Warner Lewis due to a bye week, TTFKATS was left with no other option but to start both Larry Johnson and Donald Driver. Now on paper those are wise choices, but wise choice or not, the Fantasty Gods were cruel in their punishment and doled out the hurt accordingly. Johnson had a terrible game with -2 and Driver got banged up on his way to 3 points. The Surf Riders, meanwhile, rode the waves of Hines Ward (23 points) and the revamped Jaguars Defense (19 points) as he almost eclipsed the century mark in points. Glen’s bench scored 69 points, that would have been enough to tie TTFKATS starting 8. Amazing that her bench had 4 players on a bye – I guess, however, that she’ll be set up nicely for the rest of the season at running back. Maybe it’s time to bench LJ and go with her 1-2 Davis/Lewis running back tandem for the rest of the season. TTFKATS needs to get off the snide, they are the lone remaining winless team in the fair Montana Mile League.

Mission Manhandlers 78 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 133
Deceit and mediocrity broke the windows of the Manhandlers humble abode. Kanako’s team wasn’t “bad” but they weren’t exactly good either. Only 3 players in double figures – and while her 78 point output would’ve been good enough to beat 5 other teams this week, they weren’t enough to stave off the relentless attack of Joe Moto. His squad dominated every facet of this game – 133 total points! I guess he wasn’t hurt too bad by the season ending injury to Javon “When I’m 80 I’m going to need a” Walker. His bench even chipped in 69 points, so his entire 16 players had over 200 total points! Player of the game was definitely Shaun “Don’t Call Me Jason” Alexander (36 points on 4 rushing touchdowns – Serenity Now!). There was NOTHING Kanako could have done this week, her entire 16 players still would’ve lost to Joe’s starting 8 (133-123).

Arcadia Bobcats 84 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 59
The fickle finger of fate snuck into the Beatle household on Sunday Night. Tomlie went ape shit with 47 points on 192 yards rushing, 3 rushing touchdowns and 1 passing touchdown! Chants of “Kill Me Now” could be heard from the Beatle residence on Sunday evening. Tomlie just shredded the overmatched Giants D. The Beatles were hurt by Joe Horn (1) and the Bears Defense (5). These were the right choices at the time of the game (well, I am still not sold on the Bears Defense – I will once they actually have an offense half as good as their Defense, but when their defense has to play 75% of the game, they aren’t going to be as “good” as they appear), but had he went with the Indy D (against a bad Cleveland Browns) and Keyshawn “I have a 12 inch” Johnson, the result of this game would’ve been different. Then again, Pete did leave Eli Manning (22) and Ronnie Brown (20) sitting on the bench, so all is fair is love and fantasy football. I was kind of thinking that Pete might break the Chimps record of 8 consecutive losses, but this wasn’t meant to be. Bobcats scratch one out for the gipper. Tomlie is a stud.

Rolling Rock Wild Things 81 at Emerald City Chimps 106
Revenge was a dish delivered to the front door of the Esteemed Mr. Fred. The last time the Chimps defeated the 45’s was back in December of ’03. That was the same year where they lost to the now defunct Korea 49er’s (59-51) [and also the same year where Dave Koepp said that I had a big ass]! Last year the Wild Things trounced on the Chimps in both divisional match-ups, this game would be different. Yes, I started Kurt Warner. Yes, he got hurt and only produced 3 points. Yes, Mike Vick had a good game (15). But all of that did not matter. In the waivers process I was trying to acquire Reggie Williams, Steve Heiden, or Jerramy Stevens. I didn’t get any of those players. Instead I had to settle on Eron Kinney and David Givens. The result was pure magic – 25 points from players I had to use because of bye week absences. Could this be the year where the Chimps are actually a force to be reckoned with? Is it any coincidence that the margin of victory was 25 points? Player of the game goes to Tory “If I married Tori Spelling she would then be Tori” Holt. 26 points delivers the bananas to the Chimps cage and we have all the potassium we need.

The Juggernauts 113 at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 77
Grudges and trash talking blew the doors off the Savage home. After all the trash talking was done, Matt’s Juggs were just too big and bouncy as they suffocated a withering Savage effort. The debate over the QB selections of Palmer vs. Collins went unresolved. Both players did well and both are fantasy studs so far this year (with Palmer actually taking top billing over Collins – and yes, the Chimps do regret not selecting Palmer and instead of opting for perennial fantasy crap shoot Mike Vick). The difference in this game was balance. Matt’s Juggs had 6 players sporting C cups while the Savages were stuck with 6 B cups. The milk was flowing both in the direction of the aforementioned Palmer and Julius “Indiana” Jones. They had 19 cups each. They burped away the competition. Ok, so that’s a really bad joke, but hey man, at least I’m writing a recap. Now the MOST inexplicable decision of the week did come from the Savages. Kevin left Steve Smith on the bench. Steve Smith only scored 39 points, and had he not started Easy Ike Bruce (1 point), the final score of this match would’ve been 115-113 Savages. I shall quote the fantasy analysis of the wise sportsline writers: “Smith is a must-start every week, but he should dominate vs. Green Bay in Week 4.” Isaac Bruce? Anquan Boldin? Sure, they are good receivers, but neither are #1’s for their respective teams. I do have to challenge the logic of the Savage playcalling.

Best of luck in week 4! There are no undefeated teams and it’s only 3 games into the season. We might have parity at last! Now if only TTFKATS would man-up.

Week Two Addendum

2005-09-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

I'm back from the wilderness. Morgan ran off into the woods and started yelping, so we don't know if she saw a wolf or was chasing some smaller animal. We called her for about five minutes and then she finally ran out of the woods, completely out of breath.

That leads me to the final results for the week (which I shortchanged in my earlier recap):

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 92, Rolling Blackouts 49:

Ron wins the loser sweepstakes (but not the Chump of the Week -- that goes to Matt) by getting the absolutely lowest point total. Tiki Barber and Roy Williams showed up to play, but everybody else was in the lower single digits. Had he only started Houshmandzadeh, who connected often with Carson Palmer, I hear, he could have added another twenty to his woeful score. Glen continues riding high, with bullish performances from Hines Ward and the Eagles defense. Am I just imagining things, or are the defenses scoring much higher this year?

Perhaps too high?

Here's a preview of tomorrow's match ups:

Rolling Blackouts at Bay City Steamrollers
Ingleside Instigators at Ocean Beach Surf Riders
Mission Manhandlers at Joe's Mother Tuckers
Arcadia Bobcats at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles
Rolling Rock Wild Things at Emerald City Chimps
The Juggernauts at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages

Week 2 Recap: O, Woe

2005-09-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

This morning, I braved the bracing wind and high waves of Lake of the Woods, fishing rod in hand. I caught one walleye, which gave me a sense of success and fulfillment that’s been sadly lacking in my Fantasy Football efforts this year. I am not the only one struggling. Kevin predicted the Juggernauts would dominate the MMFL this year, and yet they have now fallen to 0-2. The Mission Manhandlers, after gingerly whupping the Bobcats last week, could barely muster a team onto the field for week two. And the quondam Sluts, needless to say, have continued their miserable slide. With their match against the Steamrollers, we’ll begin.

Bay City Steamrollers 90, Ingleside Instigators 69:

Two Packers gave the erstwhile Sluts about the only points they received, while a questionable coaching decision left Domanick Davis, who scored more points than starters Larry Johnson and Jamal Lewis combined, cooling his heels on the bench. Sei, meanwhile, got a yeoman’s performance out of Donovan McNabb and respectable numbers from Darrell Jackson and Randy McMichael. Verdict: Steamrollers somewhat steam, the Team Formerly Known as “I’ll Hate Myself in the Morning” mostly suck.

Joe’s Mother Tuckers 72, Arcadia Bobcats 65:

This one has even the most grizzled veterans scratching their heads. How could such a bright, promising team—the team that many thought held the future of the MMFL—stumble so badly in its first two games out of the gate? It’s not as if the brave young Bobcats aren’t trying. Look at the 21 points Chad Johnson gamely added to the scoreboard, or the 20 points that the Giants defense refused to let go from their muddy and grass-stained hands. Braylon Edwards, sitting on the bench, raised his hand brightly and boldly, his 16 points emphatically saying “Put me in coach!” And yet they suffer a loss by a fingerful of points to the anemic Mother Tuckers. Perhaps Shaun Alexander needed to prove he should have been picked first in the draft rather than Tomlinson. The verdict: Mother Tuckers mostly lucky, the Bobcats still hoping and ready to win!

Rolling Rock Wild Things 84, Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 70:

The Wild Things dodged a bullet this week—it’s not often you can start a running back who gets you negative two points and still be trading high fives at the end of the fourth quarter. I had heard that the Wild Things are now located in upstate New York, but it’s still all Eagles all the time for this plucky band of sporting gentlemen. The bulk of their points came from the tandem of Westbrook and Owens. The Earth-loving Stewards of Nature, however, pulled up single digit scores from both of their wide receivers, one of their running backs and their tight end. Next week, Kevin might want to take a look at his bench—there’s a lot of talent hidden in the weeds of those eighty-three points. The verdict: Wild Things mostly precise, First People mostly un-pc.

Emerald City Chimps 97, Juggernauts 48:
In years to come, around dusky campfires, the story of this game will be told in shades of black instead of the white, the whispered words will focus on the yin instead of the yang, and tell of the power of the Sith rather than the Jedi. What I’m trying to say is that Matt got a whopping minus eighteen points from his stealth draft pick, the Vikes D. As someone who lost points regularly from the Vikings defense last year, I can only say my schadenfreude is intense. This dubious achievement completely masked the Herculean efforts of whiz-kid QB Carson Palmer and the resurgent Laverneandshirley Coles. The Monkeys of the Northwest, on the other hand, had an across-the-board solid crew, the standouts being the Tampa D (22 points), WR Derrick Mason (16 points) and RB W. Parker (16 points—if my internet connection weren’t so slow, I’d look up who “W. Parker” is). The verdict: The Chimps mostly laudatory, the Juggernauts mostly lamentable.

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 126, Mission Manhandlers 57:

Wow. For a team mostly drafted over the phone, the Beatles brung it big time. Thomas Jones, of all people, contributes 25 points, while L.J. Smith offers up a surprising 21 ticks. Bill’s faith in the Bears finally pays off with a big 36 points from their defense, making up for a miserable single point from first pick Peyton Manning. The Mission Manhandlers have Randy Moss and that’s about it. That puts them in a better position than the Vikings, but not enough to avoid the second lowest point total of the week. The Verdict: Beatles mostly strum, Manhandlers cower in impotent rage.

Ocean Beach Surfriders 92, Rolling Blackouts 49:

I forgot to print out this page of results, and the internet connection here at my parent’s is quite slow. But it looks like Glen did quite well, while Ron is really struggling. I’ll let you fill in the rest, because it’s time for me to get back to my vacation—and explore the wilderness area just to the south of Roosevelt, MN.

Good luck to everybody in WEEK THREE.

Week 1 - 2005 - Recap!

2005-09-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

Summary

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (88) defeat Emerald City Chimps (64)
Rolling Blackouts (63) defeat Ingleside Instigators (38)
Bay City Steamrollers (83) defeat Ocean Beach Surf Riders (83) – (tie-breaker went to Sei because of higher bench totals)
Mission Manhandlers (92) defeat Arcadia Bobcats (45)
Chicago Long Horned Beatles (78) defeat Joe’s Mothertuckers (66)
Rolling Rock Wild Things (75) defeat the Juggernauts (67)

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (88) defeat Emerald City Chimps (64)

Ahh – the thrill of victory and the agony of my inevitable defeat. Every year I look forward to week one with baited breath, only to have the jaws of life snatched away from me by the performance of one team member (the Denver Broncos Defense). I guess I can take a little bit of solace in the fact that I played Kevin in a different league this week and I spanked him handily. Of course that was my bush league team, this is the real deal, and so I shake my head in shame and admit that defeat tastes the same whether it’s served hot or cold. I don’t care what Khan says, losing is no fun if it’s fantasy football or in an epic battle in outer space with James Tiberius Kirk. I don’t care if Mr. Rourke wants “smiles, everyone, smiles” – I am a bitter pill that feels smaller than Tattoo. I do not have a golden gun for which to kill myself, which then begs the question – who is the next James Bond going to be?

The Chimps left 95 points withering on their bench. The Cadillac was full of gas but it sat in the garage on Sunday. The little running back that could (Willie Parker) was relegated to splinter duty. And the most questionable decision of all netted the most needed points of all. A 28 point swing occurred when Chimpy Lee decided it was better to start the Denver Defense over Chucky’s Bucs. Woe is me – those 28 points would’ve come in handy, and I would be doing a happy dance despite leaving so many other points on the bench. Alas, my true idiocy rings through – dare I make the same mistakes twice?

Players of the game: “Carrie” Collins (21) and Steve Smith (21)
Chimps Coaching Rating: Really sucks, didn’t rule
Savage Coaching Rating: Kinda rules, didn’t suck

Rolling Blackouts (63) defeat Ingleside Instigators (38)
Well, I can’t be the only one accused of leaving points on the bench. The team formerly known as the Sluts left 80 points on their bench. A few quick roster changes and this could’ve been a different game altogether: Big Ben (+18), Larry “Grandma” Johnson (+21), Antwone Randle-El Train (+7) would have left a final tally of 84-63. But coulda, woulda, shoulda – Melissa went with her best players and the cruel hand of fate dealt a rather unceremonious hand. What is great to note is that both starting QB’s stunk up the joint – Daunte “Inferno” Culpepper netted -4 and Brett “Throw Off My Back Foot” Favre had -1. I guess it doesn’t help that Javon Walker is out for the season with a torn ACL, but we’ll get to that later when we talk about Joe Moto. None of Melissa’s starters scored in double digits. Now why couldn’t I have been matched up with her in week one? Hell, I would have settled with playing Ron too!

Player of the game: Buffalo Bills DST (26) – only allowed 120 total yards – now that is some defense. They are going to need it with JP Losman running that offense. Funny to note that Ron’s 2^nd highest scorer was his other defense – Atlanta (19).
Blackouts Coaching Rating: Mostly Rules, didn’t suck
The team formerly known as the Sluts Coaching Rating: Mostly sucks, didn’t rule

Bay City Steamrollers (83) defeat Ocean Beach Surf Riders (83) – (tie-breaker went to Sei because of higher bench totals)

So now we get the see some of the new rules in effect. Instigated this year was the policy that there would be no more tie games. The tie-breaker belongs to the team with the better bench scoring. Sei wins 51-46. How does he do it? It wasn’t from Derrick Blaylock (0) and Travis Henry (-1). Of all players, Courtney “Cox” Anderson chipped in 15 from the bench. Call them the 9^th player. Glen’s bench squad was resilient, but zero points from both A-Train and Dallas “Texas” Clark did not help matters. Too bad Glen left the Jags defense riding in the middle seat, those 16 points would’ve come in handy given that his starting Philly “Minus Trotter” defense only netted 9. Such a prescient coaching maneuver would have resulted in a 7 point victory. Could this be a case of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory? Hell, I probably would’ve started the Philly defense too. But at very least Glen can take some solace in the fact that Mike Anderson bruised his ribs and now Tatum Bell actually got some carries – too bad the Broncos suck! But why did Glen start 4^th option WR Kevin Curtis (9) over 1^st option WR Brandon Lloyd (11)? That 2 point spread is exactly how defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory.

Player of the game: Jimmy “I play a mean organ” Smith (26) – the old man grabbed 2 TD’s and 130 receiving yards, not bad for someone older than the actual game of football itself.
Steamrollers Coaching Rating: Kinda rules, kinda sucks
Surf Riders Coaching Rating: Kinda sucks, didn’t rule

Mission Manhandlers (92) defeat Arcadia Bobcats (45)

Pete of the trash taking Bobcats took one up the bum from the perennial favorite Manhandlers. His team was lubed up and ready to go on their way to multiple ass-to-mouth suckage and a double anal scoring penetration. To further exemplify the utter hopelessness of his squad, the Bobcats bench only chipped in 33 points, so his ENTIRE TEAM (78) got pegged by Kanako’s starting eight. I can already see the Santorum oozing from the cornhole of Pete’s mighty ass cheeks. I think that about sums it up nicely!

Player of the game: Randy “I belong to Kanako” Moss (19) – not a bad debut, especially that 72 yard touchdown reception.
Manhandlers Coaching Rating: Mostly rules, didn’t suck
Bobcats Coaching Rating: Kinda Rules, kinda sucks (the only reason it kinda rules is the fact that Pete pretty much did what he could with the porn stash in his closet – it kinda sucks because his tools are too small)

Chicago Long Horned Beatles (78) defeat Joe’s Mothertuckers (66)

Bill won despite having drafted 6 quarterbacks and also despite leaving Larry “I Am a Must Start In All Fantasy Formats” Fitzgerald on the bench with 30 points. Joe had the severe misfortune of seeing his primary WR go down with a torn ACL – Javon Walker is done for the year. Misery loves company. It really didn’t help that he left Keenan “Ivory Wayans” McCardell withering on the bench with 27 points. That is the difference in the game, but then again, the lack of Fitzgerald offsets the lack of McCardell. Penalties offset, repeat 1^st down! What is a really staggering stat is Joe’s overall bench scoring – 105 points! I guess I have no right to complain about the Chimps 95 bench points. I am, however, scratching my head in disbelief at the fact that Joe started the Jets defense (0) against Kansas City. I guess he thought this would be a better idea than starting Miami against Denver. Too bad he was wrong. The Miami defense had 23 points and that would’ve locked in the W for Joe. Oops, am I rubbing it in? Unsportsmanlike conduct – 15 yard penalty on the Commish!

Player of the Game: Keyshawn “Damn Ball” Johnson (19) – an auspicious return with Big Tuna resulted in 2 scores and 5 catches for 65 yards. I still can’t believe Bill started Keyshawn instead of Fitzgerald. It ‘boggles my scrotum’ (bonus points for any readers who recognize this reference and source it).
Beatles Coaching Rating: Somewhat rules, somewhat sucks
Joe Moto Coaching Rating: Kinda sucks, doesn’t rule

Rolling Rock Wild Things (75) defeat the Juggernauts (67)

I really wanted to start this recap by saying “The Juggernauts went Juggernuts!” Alas, Matt’s hubris was his undoing. His squad lost to the defending runner-up 45’s. To add insult to injury, Matt’s bench of mostly Minnesota Vikings WR’s only tallied 17 points. My advice to all of my readers is that you should pay attention to your bench, because if you just include all the players from your favorite team, it’s unlikely that you’ll win any tie-breakers. Matt also started Antonio Gates this week. In any other week except a bye week would this have been a good decision, but Gates didn’t even play because he was suspended by the team about 4 weeks ago for showing up to camp late. Oh Matt, how difficult would it have been to pick up a starting tight end for just at least one week? You could’ve taken Chris Baker from the Jets, and that would’ve given you victory. Instead you opted to keep such dreck as T. Williamson on your bench. Dog, I further feel your pain given the Mike Anderson situation – for your sake I hope that Lee Suggs heals quickly before you have some bye week problems. Mr. Fred’s squad managed to win despite 3 points from Trent “Money” Green”. The irony being that his other two QB’s – the fragile Tim “Ratty” Rattay (12) and JP “I’m” Losman (10) both outscored the spokesman for Chunky Soup!

Player of the Game: Brian Westbrook (17) and the Steel Curtain D (17)
Wild Things Coaching Rating: Kinda rules, didn’t suck
Juggernauts Coaching Rating: didn’t rule, didn’t suck

That’s it for week 1. I have work to do now that I have ignore and so I have to get cracking!

Week 2 Match-ups:

Bay City Steamrollers at Ingleside Instigators
Ocean Beach Surf Riders at Rolling Blackouts
Joe's Mother Tuckers at Arcadia Bobcats
Chicago Long-Horned Beatles at Mission Manhandlers
Emerald City Chimps at The Juggernauts
Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages at Rolling Rock Wild Things

(Matt and Pete: I hope your parents don't read this blog!)

Kevin's Draft Recap

2005-09-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

I overslept and missed the Schoewe Open Draft. Initially I tried logging on, but stupid AOL doesn’t save my messages, and seeing as how I forgot the league id…well, it all just seemed like a whole lot of trouble.

But now, around 9:00 CST they should be somewhere in the fifth round and if I know Matt, he’s greedily eyeing the stalwart Buffalo Defense…several rounds too early.

But I digress.

Knowing the onerous burden resting on the broad shoulders (well, shoulders anyway) of our commissioners, I have graciously volunteered to deviate from my otherwise hectic schedule of power-napping, beer-guzzling, and Laguna-Beach-watching and write a little recap of this year’s draft.

First, I thought I’d share some perceptions on the upcoming season.

Teams to Watch:

Will the Fair of Vanity continue in Philly? If bitterness, palpable animosity, driveway media conferences, and unfettered hubris continue to produce 131 yards and a first-possession touchdown, the feud between T.O. and McNabb will be nothing more than a curious, if bemusing, asterisk on a championship season. Their bickering certainly didn’t hurt either of them in our draft…but more on that later.

The Vikings without their loudmouth superstar? Yes, we all know Randy “Cheech” Moss has emigrated to a land of silver and black, a franchise whose reputation is perhaps even better suited to his jackass personality. What will this spell for Oakland? For Minnesota? And especially, for Kerry Collins? (I drafted him). I’m thinking Minnesota’s D will be a smart sleeper pick this season (pretty proud of yourself, aren’t you, Matthew?), and Burleson will become a fantastic receiver.

Teams to Avoid:

Not since Ricky took the Weed Wagon “rolling” around the world has anything been right in Miami. The perpetually quizzical and predominantly tan Dave Wannstedt has ventured unto other pastures, and former LSU coach Saban is busy whipping his dead horse…um, team…into shape, thanking God he left the Bayou State just before the “The Big One” hit, and surfaced in a cozier and safer hurricane-free locale like Miami (uh-oh). But will he inspire his players? Will his prowess at the collegiate level translate into NFL success, or is he destined to be another Steve Spurrier? And then consider J.P. Losman. Who is he, anyway? And why is he so damn fascinating?

San Fran. Oh, dear. The shredded remnants of this once-proud franchise are barely worth a mention in the esteemed annals of this exemplary blog. Led by Kevan “Rat Bastard” Barlow, some guy at QB, the New Mormon Kid at QB who Sucks, a porous defense, and well, that’s enough, isn’t it? In a scant few years, the Niners organization has rapidly devolved to a shadow of its former glory. I make a point to avoid all Niners. Completely.

Some Thoughts For Those Who Have Saints Players:

The Saints (and Deuce in particular) have always been tremendous underachievers—considering the dire happenings in the country these days, I don’t see them breaking out of their slump. I think it’s pretty obvious that the tragic circumstances of Katrina and the Waves turning the Big Easy into a post-apocalyptic nightmare will necessarily trickle down to the comparatively banal world of professional sports. Relocating the team, dealing with logistical issues (transportation, accessibility, security, etc.), worrying about their friends and families—we all know these things are trivial compared to the magnitude of the suffering currently scourging New Orleans and it goes without saying that the heart of this humble writer goes out to all involved. But this is a football blog and so, from a practical, objective standpoint purely focused on issues relating to football, I think the severity of off-the-field issues confronting the team, coupled with the obstacles of relocation, will be noticeably deleterious to the team’s production. In short, methinks a bleak year for the Saints…

Other points to consider.

What’s happening to Monday Night Football, anyway? Is it just me, or has the program deteriorated drastically over the past few years? Tragic, that one day I might sit on my rooftop deck, stare defiantly at the setting sun, and plead with the Heavens for a return to the halcyon days of Dennis Miller. Well, not really. But I have been on my rooftop deck.

Uh, once.

Another question (one of those “tree in the woods” kinda things):

If John Madden shifts his prodigious girth, mumbles incoherently through a mouthful of moonshine and turkey gravy about “this guy here,” and doodles spastically on the screen, and no one bothers to watch it on TV…does Monday Night Football still exist?

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I’d like to lament the loss of teams (and people) I really never knew, and welcome back a prodigal son.

1.) Sluts, I hardly knew ye. Ok, I’m lying. Although this is only my third year in the league, the Sluts were a common fixture I enjoyed seeing week in (and out). Multiple times. Although each encounter ended too fast (some might say prematurely), and I didn’t always come out on top, I nevertheless felt sated, knowing I had performed to the best of my nominal abilities. I feel a haunting loss at their absence, but my mood is buoyed by a wallet that, strangely, seems to be fuller, and a coincidentally resurgent sense of self-respect. Though ownership remains the same, “Ingleside Insitgators,” just doesn’t have that ring to it. You will be missed.

2.) I won’t delve too deeply into the Specialist “incident” last year. Suffice to say, the Du—er, elephant in the room has been acknowledged, and may be ignored without any sense of discomfort.

3.) Finally, I’d like to extend a warm welcome to Matt Schoewe’s Juggernauts. For the record, I’ve especially enjoyed all his recent trash-talking. It’s comforting to know that he still retains passion for a league he considered beneath him merely one calendar year ago…

But back to the matter at hand. The Draft.

Ah…where to begin? Weird and wonderful things happened in the draft this year…and some downright puzzling moves.

I see the dreaded Auto-draft has reared its vicious head yet again. I dimly remember two years ago: picture a young man who looked…well, like I would look two years ago. A summer party, a night of carousing and imbibing Milwaukee’s Best until six in the morning (cue music…something retro, early 2000’s). Waking up in a stupor, jackhammers in the brain, finally arriving at a relative’s computer, thrusting crying children and squeaky toys aside. I tried to ignore the bustling, braying family behind me and finally managed to log on to our draft room triumphantly, just in time to see my latest pick, courtesy of the Auto-draft: Mr. Chad Pennington. Tragically, the lad had just fractured…something (an arm, a leg, my poor, fragile hopes) and was out for the majority of the season.

I feel your pain, Steamrollers. I feel your pain.

Now, the recap.

Round 1:

Best Pick: #8, The Savages. Well. I understand humility is a virtue, but you can’t spell modesty without “m-e.” So grabbing Edge at number eight looked awfully good. In all honesty, I never expected to see the loveable, gold-tooth-sporting mongoloid fall so far. Most fantasy football research I consulted had him going in the top five, so I feel like I lucked out.

Most Questionable Pick: #7, Steamrollers. Donovan McNabb. Auto-draft, right? How ‘bout Culpepper at #6, to the Rolling Blackouts? Was that Auto-draft, too? Because that’s the same spot he went last year…and he had Randy Moss. And passing touchdowns were six points apiece.

Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’ Pick: #11, Randy Moss. Mission Manhandlers. Echo…echo…echo…

Round 2:

Some oddness ensured here. This league loves its positional runs and I, for one, refuse to partake, perhaps to my own detriment (Kevin Jones, don’t let me down, damn you!).

So rather than debate the wisdom of pursuing wide receivers versus running backs, I’ll just share some quick observations. I found it interesting that T.O. was next to go, despite the controversy (albeit after a great preseason performance against the Bengals). I’m not sure at #21 (Surf Riders) I would’ve chosen Hines Ward with Johnson, Johnson, and Johnson still on the board.

And shall we pause a moment to lament the sad fate of Ahman Green…once a fantasy stud who rushed for over 1800 yards, then failed me miserably last year? Ah, Ahman. Perhaps you should’ve focused more on keeping your hands on the football…and only the football. Fewer fumbles, less domestic violence charges (he did go to Nebraska after all). On the other hand, if he rebounds more smoothly than his wife off a concrete floor, this may be quite a steal for the Beatles (#22), who I think were (or were not) Auto-drafting.

Round 3:

Best Pick:

I’ve gotta admire the Blackouts (or the Auto-draft) for grabbing Tiki Barber at #30. Frankly, I’m a little surprised he fell so far. Yes, I know he’s old, rickety, seems to have too many teeth, and a twin named Ronde (I’m not sure what that means). But the man had 1500 yards last season. And 1200 the year before. And 1300 before that. And those are just the rushing yards. He does fumble, and his touchdown total last year (15!) seems a bit of an anomaly. But I’ve seen him ranked in the top-ten on running back lists in multiple publications. First round? Nah. Second round? Hmm. Third round? Oh yeah.

And then there are the Mother Tuckers, whose selection of Javon Walker at #26 fortified a team with an already marvelous running game (Alexander and R.Johnson). Nice move. And a formidable team…but they will make mistakes in later rounds.

Most Questionable Pick:

Ronnie Brown, #25. Look, if the guy explodes this year, Pete’ll look like a genius. Of course, Ronnie doesn’t have a proven quarterback on his team (for that matter, neither does Pete). Ronnie also has a suspect offensive line. Miami’s Offensive Line coach, Hudson Houck (not made up...no, really, that’s his name) recently described Miami’s O-Line as “an ongoing process” who “might start really playing better next year.”

Best of luck, evil genius…

Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’ Pick: Not much craziness going on here. I actually like the Steven Jackson pick (MM) at #35, though some might not. Martz has always been weird about not running the ball like he should (see: Super Bowl loss, beginning of Pats dynasty), but you’d think by now he’d realize you have to. Right?

I said,” right”?

Round 4:

Best Pick:

Tony Gonzales (#38), MM’s. Once the elite receivers are gone, make a grab for a receiver in sheep’s…er, tight end’s clothing. Whatever. Just take Tony G.

Most Questionable Pick: Surf Riders, Tatum Bell (#45). It was well established that Mike Anderson will be the starter this season. Tatum’s looked awful running the ball so far this year, but he throws a mean curveball, and his acid-tongued witticisms are just the thing to keep a crotchety, half-soused Walter Matthau in check. Never mind. Look, he may very well take over for Anderson at some point…but why spend your Fourth Round pick on a backup?

Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’ Pick: I hate to do it to ya, Boss…but Ronnie Brown AND J.J. Arrington? Huh? Rolling the dice on a rookie is fine, but twice? In the 3rd and 4th rounds?

Somewhere, the ghost of Lord Voldemort is weeping…

Round 5:

Best Pick: Bay City Steamrollers, Warrick Dunn, #55. Not bad for an Auto-draft. This mighty-mite might (ha! that’s fun to say) lose some carries to the Brobignagian Bulk of T.J. Duckett (not nearly as fun), but he can put up the yards (over 1100 yards and 9 TDs last year). Pretty good value this late, especially for a team thin at RB.

Most Questionable Pick: TIE Rolling Blackouts (#54) Bills D, RRWT (#58) Michael Bennett.

OK, simple rules of fantasy drafting. Never take a defense in Round 5. Defenses can wait. And never take Michael Bennett in any round. He will be injured. Tomorrow.

Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’ Pick: Chimps. Fred Taylor (#57). Yes, I know he was once a top-twenty RB, and there might be value here…but then again, Pete might give me a raise soon, too. Fragile Freddie’s always a risk, whatever the round. Of course, if he stays healthy, this pick could be fantastic…that’s the beauty of the “Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’” category.

Round 6:

Best Pick: Chimps, Vick (#64). The guy’s definitely been something of a letdown over the past couple seasons (broken leg, forgot how to throw the ball, things like that)…but someone with that much physical talent falls this far, you’ve gotta grab him.

Something that Struck Me…Not Bad or Good: I don’t want to pick on Pete, seeing as how I need a paycheck to subsidize my placebo addiction, but I’m curious as to his motives in choosing Drew Brees over Jake Plummer and Aaron Brooks. I know interceptions are a concern…and Brees did account for more total TDs than the other two (but fewer yards). But personally, I’d rather know what I’m getting, and Brooks and Plummer, while not elite, are more proven. I just think I’d be wary of going near a guy who has had a single good season, especially since the Charges gave Phillip Rivers a boatload of money to be their man.

Those concerns aside, I think the Truly Most Questionable Pick For This Round 6 goes to: Ocean Beach Surf Riders, Dallas Clark (#69). I think he’s a nice sleeper pick, but to pick him over Heap (who’s going to throw to Heap, though, I don’t know), Shockey, and Crumpler (who else is Vick going to toss to?) seems a bit, well…wrong.

Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’ Pick: Beatles, Bears D (#70). Huh? I thought you were on Auto-draft?

Round 7:

Not much jumps out at me here. The Beatles picked another QB. The ‘Nauts finally picked a QB. It’s not a bad round to pick up Jerome “Get on the Bus” Bettis (RRWT)…but we’ll see how long that calf injury of his lingers. There’s still some decent Wide Receiver talent to be had (Jimmy Smith, Isaac Bruce), proving once again that once there’s a drop off from the “premier” class, there’s not much difference among the middle-tiers, breakout-years aside.

Round 8:

Not many questionable picks here…mostly just teams grabbing for whatever talent they can find.

Best Pick: Matt “I Was Too Good For You Guys Last Year” Schoewe’s Juggernauts, Mike Anderson (#92). The man is starting in Denver, and we all know how Mike Shannahan loves to manufacture running backs from third-stringers, guys off the street, his wife’s unemployed brother…you name it. And we also know Anderson was a successful RB in Denver before. Who knows how long he’ll be starting, but picking him up in the 8th was a good move on Matt’s part.

Bastard.

So…to the grades.

A Quick Note on the Grades:

I’ve noticed our humble Commish was awfully generous with the marks in years past (no grade lower than a C that I’ve been able to find in my limited experience with the league). Rather than piss off everyone (well, everyone I already haven’t), I think I’ll do my own scaling system, slightly harsher, but more colorful.

Arcadia Bobcats:

Well, I’m not a fan of D.Brees at starting QB, backed up by Eli “It looks like a Peyton, talks like a Peyton, but it ain’t a Peyton” Manning. And we know their RB core may be talented at the collegiate level, but I think someone failed to inform our illustrious, evil genius of a co-commissioner that this is not a keeper league.

Team: (QB) Drew Brees, Eli Manning, (RB) L.T., Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams, J.J Arrington, J. Chatman, (WR)C. Johnson, A. Lelie, L. Evans, B. Edwards, M. Williams, “Token Joe” Jurevicius, (TE) D. Graham, (K) “Nuge”, Chargers Defense.

Grade: Somewhat Sucks (however, if the kids grow up real fast, could steadily become, “Doesn’t Suck, Mostly Rules”)

Bay City Steamrollers:

Team: (QB) B. Griese, D. McNabb, (RB) C. Martin, W. Dunn, D. Blaylock, M. Faulk, T. Henry, (WR) D. Givens, D. Jackson, B. Stokley, Marvin, J. Smith, (TE) D. Jolley, R. McMichael, (K) S. Janikowski, Ravens D.

Actually, although the Autodraft wasn’t kind, it wasn’t insanely cruel either (see: Beatles). You can’t go wrong with Mt. Carmel’s own Donny McNabb as your starting QB. And Starvin’ Marvin is always good for sweet numbers, even if Reggie Wayne is lighting it up. With D.Jackson at your number two wide-out and a Baltimore D, there are some significant pieces in place. But at Running Back…ouch. The wrinkles! The arthritis! Oh My! C. Martin was a surprise last year…many were astounded that he cheated Mother Nature (and Shaun Alexander) to an NFC rushing title and 12 touchdowns. I didn’t even know he was still alive. But I’m not so sure he can repeat a performance like that. He’ll get you a thousand-plus yards…he’s done that every year since the mid-90’s. But his TD output will be down, especially of Chad P. manages to refrain from his annual fracturing of limbs. Warrick Dunn’s a good number 2 back (and often overlooked, poor little guy), especially for where he fell, but Travis Henry is useless. Between his injuries and Brown’s share of the carries, I don’t see him having a very productive year.

Grade: Somewhat Sucks (I know you’re working on trading. I remember those days well)

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages:

Team: (QB) K. Collins, J. Delhomme, (RB) Edge, K. Jones, Lamont Jordan, (WR) M. Jenkins, Terry Glenn, E. Kennison, A. Boldin, I. Bruce, Steve Smith, C. Rogers, T. Calico, (TE) Wiggs’, (K) S. Graham, Panthers D.

Well, I like my guys at RB. Edge is always good for a bundle o’ yards, even with Peyton rewriting the record books. I’ve seen plenty of drafts where Kevin Jones went in the first round, so having him and Lamont Jordan makes my life a little easier. I think Kerry’s going to have a good year throwing to Moss, but I’m a little worried about my receivers. I’ve got a fair amount of mid-tier guys, but I lack an elite producer…and that bothers me.

Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Doesn’t Rule

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles:

Six quarterbacks, including Kyle Boller, Patrick Ramsey, Joey Harrington and…dear God, Rex Grossman? Also a possible Auto-draft mishap. ‘Nuff said.

Final Grade: Mostly Sucks. However, there is enough trade bait on the QB position to easily elevate this team. Obviously, Manning is a keeper…I would go for the gusto and trade Brooks (I know, then you’re stuck with Joey, but you’ve got to give to get) along with a player at another position, possibly even a D, and the team could improve dramatically. Just my two cents, which probably aren’t even worth…well, two cents.

Emerald City Chimps:

Team: (QB) C. Pennington, M. Vick, “Mistah Kurt, He Dead” Warner, (RB) Deuce Mc, M. Moore, W. Green, F. Taylor, Cadillac, (WR) Nate Burleson, Santana “You Better Change Your Poor-Ass Playin’ Ways” Moss, K. Colbert, D. Mason, Holt, (TE) T. Heap, (K) J. Wilkins, Broncos (huh?) D.

I’m trying to decide if there’s a good quarterback in there somewhere. I’ve had Pennington on my team the last couple of years, and he’s proved frustrating. I know other owners can attest to similar sentiments about Vick. Definitely a lot of talent, but a lot of potential disappointment in all three QB’s. Commish actually has a fascinating assortment of RB’s. Deuce can be great, or really disappointing (plus, consider my earlier note on the “Katrina Factor”). Moore’s a solid gamble to replace the sissy Bennett. Green may start, too. Taylor…eh. But as of yet, there’s no reliable second-RB. All of them are “if’s”. If Freddie stays healthy, if Bennett gets hurt and Moore takes over, if Green starts all season, if Cadillac has a sweet rookie year, etc. I do, however, feel Nate Burleson’s in for a big-time year. Someone’s gotta fill the void. Or try. And if you have Torry Holt on top of that? Nice job. Not a fan of your Defense, though. I tend to stay away from Defenses in the AFC West. The division now sports some of the top offensive players in the NFL: Moss, L.T., Trent Green, Priest Holmes, etc. And that means they’ll play each of them twice. Ugh.

Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Doesn’t Rule

Ingleside Instigators:

Team: (QB) Brett Favre, Big Ben, (RB) Jamal “I Didn’t Drop the Soap” Lewis, D. Davis, L. Johnson, C. Taylor, M. Shipp, (WR) R. Wayne, Amani “It’s Not A…Yeah, We’ve Heard This One Before” Toomer, Randle El, R. Smith, D. Driver, (TE) Putzy, Shockey, (K) Vanderjagt, Pats D.

I like this team. Actually, it reminds me a bit of my team, but better. Solid QB’s (hopefully—and this is the Packer fan in me speaking—the preseason is not an indication of Favre’s performance). Nice Running Back core. Lewis is free now, and angry. D. Davis can run and catch the ball, and L. Johnson might be a fantastic steal if the sublime but brittle Priest goes down. With top guns at tight end, kicker, and D, the only real weakness is wide receiver. And it’s not bad. Well, not horrible. Will Wayne repeat his breakthrough performance? Will there be anyone to throw to Toomer? Is anyone even listening to me anymore?

Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Kinda Rules

Joe’s Mother Tuckers:

Team: (QB) Brady, Plummer, Bledsoe, (RB) Shaun “One Yard Short” Alexander, Rudi Rudi Johnson, K. “I screwed over my namesake last year” Barlow, (WR) Plexiglass, K. McCardell, Javon Walker, Mushin “Why did I sign with the Bears?” Muhammed, (TE) Witten, Pollard, (K) R. Longwell, J. Brown, Dolphins D, Jets D.

Interesting stuff here. Rock-solid at QB. RB, too, looks great. I think Alexander’s going to have a monster year. They’re using him more as a receiver in practice, and he plays against such pitiful run-defenses (San Fran, St. Louis, ‘Zona) twice a year, which he should tear through like a rabbit through fresh kale (or is it collards?). If he stays healthy and Holmgren doesn’t go weird, he might very well supplant L.T. as the consensus fantasy football pick. Yes, that’s a prediction.

Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Mostly Rules

Mission Manhandlers:

Team: (QB) Hasslebeck, Leftwich, (RB) Dillon, Droughns, Foster, Brown, Jackson (WR) A. Bryant, D. Patten, Joey “Where Have I Been?” Galloway, E. Moulds, Randy “Cheech” Moss, (TE) Tony G, (K) Carney, Skins D, Bucs D.

Like ‘em. What’s not to like? Hassy has yet to make that leap into the top five, but he’s not too shabby. Not much at receiver after Randy, though. I think Patten, Joey, and Bryant will be superfluous this season (yeah, I know Bryant’s number one on the Browns…but it’s the Browns, dammit!). But Tony G is a good thing. I think the Bucs D doesn’t have the luster it once did, and the Skins D isn’t great, but all in all, pretty balanced.

Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Kinda Rules

Ocean Beach Surf Riders:

Team: (QB) Bulger, McNair, (RB) Tatum “Paper Moon” Bell, A-Train, Priest, (WR) R. Williams (The Bad One), D. Branch, J. Porter, B. Lloyd, H. Ward, Kevin Curtis, (TE) B. Troupe, D. Clark, (K) David Akers, Eagles D, Jags D.

Glen, you’ve gotta deal one of those defenses. They’re both pretty good, and they might help you address some other holes. For starters, you only have one good running back. And if Priest goes down…hmmm. To be that unbalanced at RB, you need to be better at wide receiver. Ward has disappointed lately, and Big Ben has looked pretty poor this preseason, so be prepared. Porter’s hurt, but I do like both Kevin Curtis and Brandon Lloyd as interesting sleeper candidates. Still, my advice is simple: unload something. Go crazy. Not Matt Schoewe, election-conspiracy-theory-I-hate-Bush-and-his-kin-crazy, but crazy enough. In short, see me about a trade.

Final Grade:

Somewhat sucks, but by trading defenses and secondary players, could be improved.

Rolling Blackouts:

Team: (QB) Daunte, D. Carr, Orton, (RB) Portis, Barber, Benson, Gore, (WR) R. Williams (The Good One), C. Chambers, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, M. Bradley, (TE) H. Miller, E. Johnson, (K) D. Brien, Bills D, Falcons D.

Hmm. At QB, I think Culpepper will be fine. Not necessarily deserving of an early pick in the first round, but I think he’ll produce pretty well. I still have my concerns about Portis (which, for the record, I voiced on the MML blog one year ago, thank you very much). I respect the Gore pick because I despise Barlow since he let me down last year. Wide Receiver, though…not so good. I’ve always thought Chambers could be a great player, but those guys in Miami just scare me because their offense is so inept. And why keep two defenses that good? Or two tight ends? I know Johnson is hurt, but unless you’ve got the Big Two, it’s just not worth it.

Final Grade: Doesn’t suck, Doesn’t Rule.

Rolling Rock Wild Things:

Team: (QB) Trent Green, J.P. Losman, T. Rattay, (RB) Westbrook, Bus, Michael “I’m Screaming in Pain As We Speak” Bennett, Deuce Staley, (WR) T.O., M. Clayton, Donte Stallworth, G. Lewis, (TE) Crumpler, Bubba Franks, (K) J. Reed, Steelers D, Saints D.

What an odd team. Great starting QB, interesting backup choices. I guess you’re banking on one of the Field Generals from their respective God-awful teams rising from the mire of their pasts. At running back, so far you’re stuck starting Westbrook (who I’d like as a No. 2 player, but not as a No. 1…I know, I know…it’s Philly) with M. Bennett (who may be injured), since The Bus and Deuce are out with injuries of their own. That’s not fun. And why grab Bubba when you’ve got Crumpler? You’re giving up more useful talent at other positions. You’ve got some good stuff at WR, considering T.O. and Clayton are a lethal combination. But what’s with the Saint’s D? Completely unnecessary. Still, Green, Owens, Clayton, Westbrook, and the Steelers are enough to eke out some victory’s here and there.

Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Doesn’t Rule.

The Juggernauts: (QB) C. Palmer, (RB) Julius Jones, M. Anderson, “Whatchoo Talkin’ ‘Bout” Willis McGahee, Lee Suggs, (WR) M. Robinson, Andre Johnson, L. Coles, T. Taylor, Bobby Engram, J. McCairens, D. Bennett, T. Williamson, (TE) Gates, (K) A. Vinatieri, Vikings D.

This part pains me the most. I’ve been dreading this since I began writing. I hate to say it, but I think Matt has one of (if not the) most balanced team coming out of the draft. Quarterback appears to be his Achilles Heel, because it’s awfully risky to pin your hopes on Carson Palmer. On the other hand, if he has a breakout year, Matt’s team could be deadly. We all saw what McGahee could do last year. I also know for a fact that Matt screamed like a little girl when he claimed Willis on draft day. Julius Jones is looking more and more like he could have a breakout second-year. Johnson and Coles could be a fantastic combo. at wide receiver, and if Drew Bennett can replicate even a modicum of his numbers from last year…ouch. Then there’s Gates at Tight End. I personally feel like his numbers are going to drop off somewhat this year (not much, though) since people actually know who he is. Last year, no one had ever heard of him…including one Matt Schoewe:

The Blackouts and Wild Things also certainly show very good potential. But I'll admit that I don't even know who Antonio Gates is. But then, if you don't have Gonzo at TE, it doesn't really matter.

-“An Outsider’s Perspective, For What It’s Worth”
Montana Mile League Blog, August 2004

Strange, what can change in a year. And Matt picked him up in the other league, too.

Final Grade: Mostly Rules.

That’s All He Wrote:

Good luck to all this year! Thank you for plodding through my aimless, tedious, sophomoric, insulting ramblings. If I’ve offended you, I apologize. If not, your turn is coming soon.

Hello Out There?

2005-08-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

Does anybody read this anymore?

The Playoff scenarios

2004-12-09T11:43:00.000-08:00

So, to answer the Kittens' plaintive question fully, here are the scenarios, assuming total points as the first tiebreaker.

1). Rolling Rocks - locked up playoffs, 1st round bye
2). OBSR - locked up playoffs, 1st round bye
3). Joe - he's in. At worst he's 8-6 and there are at most 3 other teams who can finish 8-6.
4-6).
Ron/Sei - both at 7-6, the winner is in. Ron has good tiebreaks (record against other 7-6 teams and total points), Sei has shitty tiebreaks, so Ron has a reasonable chance at making it even if he loses, as long as Christine or Kanako loses. If Sei loses he will likely be SOL.
Kanako - beat up on the Kittens, and she's in.
Christine - beat up on the cellar dwelling Kevins, and she's in.
Bill - alive. Needs to win and hope for a loss from either Kan or Christine. Has good total points and pretty good head to head, so he has a chance.

Pete, Chimpy, Sluts, Kevin. Mathematically eliminated.

I think we need to officially decide on a tiebreak system before these games happen. Total points? Head to head w/total point thereafter?

Week 13 Recap!

2004-12-08T17:01:00.000-08:00

I lost, so my superstitious ways are over. Here is my quickie recap of Week 13!

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 102 at Rolling Rock Wild Things 207
This was the GREATEST MMFL offensive performance in the history of the league. My hat is off to Mr. Fred for breaking the 200 point barrier. Kevin put up a valiant effort, but even his 102 points weren’t half the total of the crazy 33’s. 207 goes right up there with Bonds 73 home runs, although I question whether or not Mr. Fred has been applying both “the cream” and “the clear” to his brain before games (or if he had any knowledge of their actual chemical make-up). DMac 75, BBrook 45, Edge 27, Horn-y 36. How can you even question the greatness of Mr. Fred? I’m gushing because I am in total awe of the Wild Things in week 13.

Emerald City Chimps 78 at The Silver Phoenix 117
Christine beats me with a great performance from Matt Hasselbeck. Too bad the Seahawks defense is as bad as Sammy Sosa sans 'roids. Chimps 4-game winning streak is finally snapped. Crucial errors cost me the game, but I would’ve had to swap out four players in order to make this interesting – and why would I even consider starting Boldin and Burleson or Chester Taylor? The only true criticism I will take is leaving Portis on the bench – but I had him on the bench the past two weeks and it was the correct decision. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all.

Bay City Steamrollers 153 at Richmond Sluts 40
Sei gets -1 from Favre and Carr and still puts up 153 points. He could’ve gone “Mr. Fred” on Melissa had he started a decent QB. The waiver magic of Orange Julius Jones and Nick “I Know Where I’m” Goings netted 72 points. In fact, only about 3 players in his starting lineup were drafted by Sei. This guy is waiver wire-tastic. He’s making this season fun-tastic!

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 168 at Rolling Blackouts 74
Surf Riders are storming their way to a potential showdown with Mr. Fred in the finale. But Sei looks mighty tough too. It should be a great postseason! Manning + Cujo + TO = 102 points. Sick and Wrong. Blackouts can’t find the power strip.

Arcadia Bobcats 127 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 86
Pete drafted both Travis Henry and Willis McGahee on draft day. This move is finally starting to pay dividends. Too bad it wasn’t really working out for him from week 1 to week 12. Joe’s steady decline into the abyss known as defeat continues. Bulger getting injured is no help either. Tomlinson and Jackson put up solid games, but a 0 from the QB and the DST is never something to write home about.

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 78 at Mission Manhandlers 106
Billy Volek! Looks like Emi beats Owen in this match-up of family feud. A 0 from Bettis really hurt the Beatles. 35 from Muhammad really pulverized Bill’s chances. Down goes Frazier, down goes frazier! A zero from Chad Lewis also wasn’t what the Doctor ordered. I think his week 14 prescription will be to re-insert Todd Heap in that TE slot. Kanako’s bench was horrible – 4 players with 0 points!

Playoff picture remains hazy!

Locks – Glen and Mr. Fred

Contention: Joe, Kanako, Christine, Sei, Ron, Bill. Only 4 can make it!

Let me know when I can pick up my "Champ of the Week" Award --

2004-12-06T08:27:00.000-08:00

... for asking Antonio Bryant to suit up in the Bobcats uniform minutes before game time -- and for asking Tom Brady to sit out so Carson Palmer could play, in spite of what the Guru said about Baltimore's strong secondary.

Now I just need to put a hex on Darrell Jackson.

Glen's Week 12 Recap!

2004-12-01T06:26:00.000-08:00

Hopefully this won't spell disaster for Glen's team in week 13 - but I guess he probably doesn't care since he's already clinched a playoff berth.

-----------

Since Commish Lee is under some crazy ass notion that his not doing the weekly recap is resulting in the Emerald City Chimps current win streak, yours truly is left to pick up the slack. So grab a seat and a stiff drink 'cause here's Week 12 . . .

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles squeak past Arcadia Bobcats 104 - 101
This has been a disappointing year for Bobcats fans and the results of this week's matchup with their Nagurski division rival just added to their pain. The CLHB were led by Marvin Harrison's 38 points thanks to one turkey of a Lion's D on Thanksgiving day. But it was Donald Driver who with his 6 receptions and 16 points handed the 'Cats their eighth loss late Monday night. Fans in Arcadia were still scratching their heads over Peter's decision to start Jamal "Yo I Be Not Playing Dis Week" Lewis over Travis "One Point" Henry, as well as his decision to leave Carson Palmer and Palmer's 26 points on the bench. What shouldn't puzzle Bobcats fans is why Peter is our first nominee for Week 12 COTW.

Rolling Rock Wild Thing squash the Silver Phoenix 134 - 64
In this week's most lopsided game, Mr. Fred's Wild Things continued their impressive offensive performance. Shockingly the RRWT went with Drew Brees at QB instead of hometown fav Donovan McNabb. Brees rewarded the Esteemed One with an impressive 2 TD, 378 yard game and more importantly 30 points. Joe "I Miss My Cell Phone" Horn and Brian Westbrook tossed in 23 and 22 points respectively as the Thangs collected their third straight W. The Silver Birds' QB woes continue as evident by their decision to go with one Patrick Ramsey instead of Matt Hasselbeck, neither of whom did squat. Still squat was more than what Chris Brown managed to do in week 12 which was NOTHING. What the Phoenix did manage to do was to nominate Christine for COTW.

Richmond Sluts spank Rolling Blackouts 123 - 81
The much maligned, often ridiculed, but lovable gals from the Richmond continued their impressive offensive performance, producing yet another 110+ point Sunday outing. Thanks to a trio of 20+ point performances from Michael Vick, Isaac Bruce, and Michael Pittman, the Sluts finally managed back-to-back wins. And in the process, rescued Melissa from yet another COTW nomination. Alas that honor goes to Ron this week. After a four game winning streak which had Blackouts fans talking about the playoffs, the Powerless Lubelcheks were just that this week. Leaving Jake Delhomme, Domanick Davis, and their combined 42 points one the bench didn't help matters. Getting spanked by sluts while quite enjoyable under most circumstances isn't quite so when it gets you a COTW nomination.

Joe's Mother Tuckers defeat Mission Manhandlers 124 - 103
This week's matchup of Nagurski division rivals was marked by the return of Randy Moss to the Manhandlers' starting lineup and the birth of Kanako's uber receiver and firstborn Maddy Emi. Unfortunately neither could bring home a win for the Manhandlers. Since Commish Lee has chosen to cut the new mother some slack I will as well and not mention the fact that she left 67 points on the bench. Oh wait I just did. Okay well at least Kan gets a reprieve from this week's COTW nominations. The Tuckers were led by Marc Bulger who somehow overcame his propensity to suck in away games and in outdoor stadiums to produce 44 big ones for Joe. That along with LaDainian's 26 points helped the JMT get past the wobbling Takedas in Week 12.

Emerald City Chimps beat Bloodthirsy Scalping Savages 95 - 71
Scott's mojo must be working 'cause the Chimps are riding a four game winning streak. Rudi Johnson led the way with a 202 yard, 2 TD performance during Sunday's Browns-Bengals pointfest. The resulting 49 points were more than enough to overcome some pretty weak ass performances by Marcus Pollard and the Seahawks Defense-lite. As for the Savages, the loss to the Chimps extended their losing streak to a painful six games. Ouch. What can you say about a team that is led by Brian Griese and is worse than either the Sluts or the Chimps. Only one thing comes to mind . . .

Ocean Beach Surf Riders defeat Bay City Steamrollers 117 - 90
The Steamrollers have been doing anything but that the past few weeks as Week 12 in the MML resulted in another loss for the BCS. While Sei was rewarded for his starting of Brett Favre with a trio of 20+ point performances from Favre, Julius Jones, and Brandon Stockley, his decision to keep the Redskins D and yes Nick Goings on the bench was a costly one. The Bay City boys just couldn't overcome yet another typical Peyton Manning outing and a 31 point performance by the Patriot's D. Perhaps Sei can find some solace in his Week 12 COTW nomination. As for the OBSR, they're still upset over last week's bitter loss to the Wild Things and the absence of Teri Hatcher (or any other desperate housewife) from the locker room. Damn that Mr. Fred and his false promises!!!

Well there you have it - another fun filled week in the MML.

Write it in the sky in Gossamer Teardrops

2004-11-30T09:40:00.000-08:00

The Chimps are no longer the worst team in the MMFL.

Glen is going to write the recap for Week 12. I'm going to note a few things about the playoffs. Tie-breaker order is TBD since there are so many potential variations.

So far there are 2 teams who have clinched a playoff berth (6 total playoff spots):

1. Mr. Fred (wins tie-breaker over Glen)
2. Glen

The winner of this week's game of Kanako vs. Bill will likely clinch a playoff spot. That leaves 8 teams in the mix after week 13:

1. Joe (just needs one more win to clinch - may not even need that one win)
2. Ron
3. Bill
4. Sei
5. Kanako
6. Christine
7. Scott (not really sure I have a chance at this point)
8. Pete (not sure he has a chance either)

Kevin and Melissa cannot make the playoffs.

Now the question becomes, if we have a bunch of 6-8 teams on our hands at the end of the season, how should the playoff teams be decided? There will undoubtedly be a few teams with conflicting head to head records. I welcome suggestions - I like using head to head record as the first tie breaker, but if we have a cluster of 6-8 teams, total points scored might be a better tie breaker. Peanut gallery?

Gotta Stick with the Superstition

2004-11-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

So every week that I don't write the recap my team seems to win. So in keeping with that superstition I'm going to leave it up to someone else to write the week 11 recap. Sorry, I can't wreck my mojo! Hopefully just writing this post hasn't spoiled my chances.

Some items for the 2005 MMFL Ballot:

- Scoring Adjustments
- Draft in reverse order of last seasons W-L
- Change regular season to 13 weeks instead of 14 (thus avoiding games in week 17 - a week often time corrupted by playoff teams resting their regulars)

Any others?

Glen's Week 10 Recap!

2004-11-17T06:53:00.000-08:00

Glen sent this to me and I'm posting it for him.

Ocean Beach Riders defeat Joe's Mother Tuckers 161 - 44
Rolling Rock Wild Things defeat Chicago Long Horned Beatles 147 - 83
Mission Manhandlers defeat Bay City Steamrollers 122 - 87
Emerald City Chimps defeat Richmond Sluts 119 - 88
Rolling Blackout defeat Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 117 - 82
Arcadia Bobcats defeat Silver Phoenix 55 - 54

Sluts do most of their work on their backs and this week was no different for the gals from the Richmond. Bolstered by last week's W, the Chimps ran all over the Horizontal Mels thanks to Derrick Blaylock's 224 all purpose yards and the Titan's D. Only Scott's benching of Nate Burleson and Rudi Johnson prevented this contest from making it into volume 23 of the "Animals Gone Really Wild" video. As for "Woe is Me" Unzicker, your MML "crown" is awaiting you should your hapless ho's ever find their way out of the MML cellar.

Her trophy case overflowing with COTW awards, Kanako went into Week 10's matchup against the Steamrollers clearly focused on a win. The Manhandlers were led by their dynamic QB-WR combo of . . . Billy Volek and Muhsin Muhammad?!?! Huh? While Steve and Randy were rehabbing in the MML Hospital for Worthless Fantasy Football Stars, the two combined for 5 TDs and over frickin 457 yards. The W ensured that at least for this week Momma Takeda wouldn't have to worry about where to put her next COTW award. Priest-less this week, the boys from the Bay City just couldn't come up with enought points despite impressive performances by Jason Witten and Brandon Stokley. And as if the odds weren't already stacked against him, Sei benched Brett Favre yet again and Brett went on to have a monster game . . . yet again.

In the battle to literally answer the question 'Who's ya daddy?,' Mr. Fred clearly showed his upstart children that he still sits atop the Frederick-Moran clan. The boys from Philly spanked the Beatles thanks to fine performances by Donovan McNabb, Joe Horn, and the Steelers' D who combined for 94 points. A 4 TD, 363 yard effort by Duante Culpepper did little to change the outcome of this annual love-fest. One just hopes that the grandkids weren't around for this unfortunate display of patriarchal ass-whooping. Ahh family . . .

Still upset over last week's bitter defeat at the hands of the Specialists . . . uhm Silver Phoenix, the OBSR took out their frustrations on the Mutha Tuckers, dispatching them by noon on Sunday. No way was some two-bit RB going to snatch a victory away from Moy's boys this week! The Riders' were led yet again by Peyton Manning and T.O. who combined for a ridiculous 8 TDs and 454 yards of offense. Joe's Tuckers didn't stand a chance in this matchup, having been bitten by the bye-week bug. With 5 players grabbing pine, the JMT took the field with Lee Suggs and Thomas Jones who promptly combined for -1 points. As Commish Lee said . . . eep!

Speaking of the Phoenix, they clearly had a letdown after last week's win, losing to the Arcadia Felines. That's like losing to the Sluts . . . or the Chimps! Curiously, Christine benched last week's hero Onterrio Smith whose 9 points would have pushed the Flamin' Birds over the top. But instead, Tom Brady's and Michael Clayton's 16 points each means we have to listen to Pedro flap his yap. Here's an Ancient Chinese proverb for the Bobcat's owner - " Aiyah, man who owns team that sucks should not be eager to talk smack."

The Rolling Blackouts topped the century mark for the second straight week, thanks to Domanick Davis, Shaun Alexander, and the Bears' D. The Blackouts' combo produced 4 TDs and 73 points on their way to the team's third straight victory. With his nuptials out of the way, Ron now has his sights set on a wildcard berth. As for the Savages, their troubles continue - coming up short again for the fourth week in a row. Kevin got solid performances from most of his starters. But losing Torry 'Big Game' Holt to a big time hit early Sunday hampered the BTSS' efforts this week. Having Drew Bennett, Brandon Lloyd, and their combined 36 points riding pine didn't help matters either.

If I were a Silver Phoenix ...

2004-11-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

... I'd be in ashes right now.

The Bobcats did just enough to win. I'm glad I don't have cable and wasn't able to watch the game last night.

Week 9 Recap

2004-11-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

I always enjoyed the recaps, and since I have Veterans Day off, here goes:

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 83 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 84

So, so close. One of those fantasy games that give importance to an otherwise pointless Sunday night game. Props to Adam Viniatieri, who I gotta believe has set a new record for point total for a kicker: 4 XP, 4 FG and the TD pass! Alas, it wasn't enough, when Joe's Lee Suggs hauls in a screen pass for a meaningless reception and critical 3rd fantasy point halfway through the 4th Qtr. I feel like Joe is more deserving of Chump for starting Donte Stallworth (o pts) instead of Darrell Jackson (24 pts), but I guess there is something to be said about winning.

Emerald City Chimps 99 at Mission Manhandlers 61

Tough luck monkeys from Seattle finally break through w/a win. They've been playing well enough to win for three weeks, scoring better than 90 during that time, but they finally hit upon a team who's fallen on harder times. It seems they've finally hit upon a RB pair that produces week in and week out. As for the Manhandlers, they go as Randy "Hammy" Moss goes, and with him out and McNair on a bye, the M&M's are lookin' for a new sugar daddy.

Bay City Steamrollers 75 at Rolling Rock Wild Things 66

The silent ass-asian strikes again. Somehow the steamrollers manage to sneak in another win, with the lowest winning point total of the week. The Mr Fred suffered from being on the short end of the Battle of Pennsylvania, w/Donovan "Mello when TO is Screamin & Yell-O" McNabb contributing a big fat goose-egg. Mr Fred has my vote for chump--There's been a cool Brees from SD the last couple of weeks, and Mr Fred chose not to ride it--with painful results. The Steamrollers had a balanced attack w/5 of the 8 starters getting into to double digits, but 75 isn't going to get it done over the long term.

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 89 at The Silver Phoenix 91

Ding-Dong the king is dead. Or at least suffered his first setback of the year. In dramatic fashion, the resurrected Phoenix managed to top the previously undefeated OBSR's. The Tsunamis seemed to have this game in hand w/Manning, Wayne and Wiggins giving them the lead until Onterrio Smith scampered for a touchdown in the 4th giving the SP's the lead. It still seemed like OBSR's would pull it out, until the Colts got to the 15yd line and decided all they needed was a field goal, so they ran a running plays to allow the time to run out, and deny the Glen-Bo's their 9th victory. After making such a big splash after their hostile takeover, the SP have been struggling, w/Chris Brown on a bye one week, and Andre "I'm a Giant" Johnson finally being double covered. The OBSR's geriatric RB corps is starting to show their age--maybe there's hope for the rest of us yet.

Arcadia Bobcats 96 at Richmond Sluts 74

The Kittens roar for their highest point total of the year, spanking the hapless BlueBoys. The Bobbies had a balanced attack w/their lowest contributor having 8. The BlueBoys had Michael Pittman who made this close, but were asleep at the wheel starting Longwell who was on a bye. One wonders even if Stephen Davis can play, whether he can unseat Pittman for the RB role.

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 63 at Rolling Blackouts 142

Somebody breakup the Blackouts! For the second week in a row, Ronnie "Just because I look stoned don't mean I don't know Football" topped the point totals. 30 from Trent Green, 30 from Shaun Alexander, 25 from Antonio Gates. The Beatles were crawling back into their cocoons for this one--they never had chance.

There's 5 weeks left, and if the season were to end today...

1) Surf Riders
2) Wild Things (beat Tuckers)
3) Tuckers
4) Steamrollers
5) Blackouts (beat Phoenix, Beatles)
6) Beatles (beat Beatles)

There's a lot of season left though, so good luck to everyone, except when you're playing me.

Scoring

2004-11-01T13:07:00.000-08:00

First off, I don't think any changes in scoring should be made until after the season. But it does strike me as wrong that Plummer get 72 points for his game. And Manning gets 77pts. Although Plummer had 499yds, he also had 3 ints. Just like I thought the TE scoring last year was overblown, I think the QB scoring this year's been off.

On a bigger level, I talked w/Joe about whether the scoring should be so geared toward super performances. Now the real points come if your player goes ape-shit. If your RB gets
50yds, 2pts,
100yd, 10pts,
150yds, 16pts,
200yds, 36pts.
Players who give solid performances aren't rewarded likely the erratic ones who give super performances every once in a while.

Specific ideas:

Turnovers should be penalized more. Fumbles lost and INT's are huge in the course of a game. Thus, they should count almost as much as a score, say -4.

Solid performances should be rewarded more, ape-shit performances should be rewarded less, i.e. 1pt for 10yds rushing, w/a 5 pt bonus for 100yds, and 10pt bonus for 200yds.

Comments?

Week 7 - The Quick and Dirty

2004-10-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 105 at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 78
Emerald City Chimps 97 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 104
Bay City Steamrollers 125 at Arcadia Bobcats 66
Rolling Blackouts 56 at Rolling Rock Wild Things 96
The Silver Phoenix 87 at Mission Manhandlers 45
Richmond Sluts 64 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 103

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 105 at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 78
Glen refuses to lose. The Manning/Moore/TO combo is deadly. A -2 from the Giants defense usually spells disaster. Kevin can now attest to this fact.

Emerald City Chimps 97 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 104
Bitter defeat! I predict the Chimps first victory in Week #8. That is my BOLD PREDICTION.

Bay City Steamrollers 125 at Arcadia Bobcats 66
Steamrollers were SICK this week - At least 10 points from every position except Kicker. 40 points from Priest Holmes - it could've been more had he not strained his hammy. Pete gets 0 from his TE and 1 from Miss Terry Glenn.

Rolling Blackouts 56 at Rolling Rock Wild Things 96
A 0 from David Terrell with a 13 point Roy Williams sitting on the bench - it wouldn't have prevented Ron from losing, but it also would have at least help him avoid a few votes for COTW.

The Silver Phoenix 87 at Mission Manhandlers 45
0 from Moss. 0 from McNair. 45 points for Kanako. Not gonna do it unless you're playing the Chimps!

Richmond Sluts 64 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 103
How bad has Michael Vick been this year? Just look at that 0-7 record for the Sluts and you know how bad he's been. Eagles defense also got carved up by that Cleveland running game.

Week 6 Notes

2004-10-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

Recap -

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 106 at Arcadia Bobcats 83
Bay City Steamrollers 73 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 106
Ocean Beach Surf Riders 78 at Emerald City Chimps 65
Rolling Rock Wild Things 71 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 69
Richmond Sluts 73 at Mission Manhandlers 80
Rolling Blackouts 78 at The Silver Phoenix 52

COTW/DOTW nominees:
Peter Bobcat - Nada from the TE, left Clayton on the bench with 18 points.
Bay City Sei - 0 from Boo Williams, lost to Bill who started Todd Heap (0) and Warrick Dunn (0). Sei also benched Favre again. I now know the Pack will always put up big points when Sei benches their QB!
Chimpy Lee - Left Droughns on the bench with 28 / could've won this one! - Kicker also didn't even play!
Joe Moto - Oh agony - 2 point defeat at the hand of 33. Mr. Fred gets the weekly Winona by virtue of a 3 point DMac (who played more like Kraft Mac).
Melissa Slut - Johnnie Morton had a great game, but he was picking the splinters off his bum on Melissa's bench (I don't blame her - I wouldn't have started him either).
Christine Phoenix - (-15) from the Detroit defense. What was she thinking?

IMHO - this is a 2 horse race between myself and Christine! Vote with your heart, not with your head.

Player of the week: Daunte Culpepper (56 points)
Disappointment of the week: Rudi Johnson (3 points)

Current playoff teams:
1. Glen Rider - 6 - 0. Eeks out a victory against the hapless and pathetic Chimps.
2. Mr. Fred's 33 - 5 - 1. Easy schedule and reliance on Philly Eagles will either spell victory or it will have Mr. Fred reaching for the Pepto.
3. Joe Moto - 5 - 1. In a battle of the undefeated, the Tuckers fall to the 33's by a deuce.
4. Kanako Manhandler - 4 - 2. Despite Moss injuring that hammy, she manages to stay in there. Never count the girl out!
5. Bill Beatle - 3 - 3. 2nd most points on the year (thank you Daunte) - bad luck with the match-ups so far.
6. Christine Silver - 3 - 3. Should be 4-2, but mismangement by the Duke-ster resulted in a loss that should've been a victory (that mythic 20 point penalty!).

On the cusp:
7. Sei Steamroller - the silent ass-asian is waiting for his opportunity to pounce!

Basement Dwellers:
11. Richmond Sluts - winless. 2nd lowest points scored, most points scored against
12. Chimpy Lee - winless. horrible. ugly!

Week 6 waivers to be renamed: The pursuit of Nate Burleson. I have a bold prediction - The Chimps will get Nate Burleson.

o/o

Week 5 COTW Nominations and Qualifications

2004-10-12T10:26:00.000-07:00

Emerald City Chimps - There is nothing I could've done to win, but 38 points is PATHETIC!
Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages - only scored 59, opponent more than doubled their total (135)
Arcadia Bobcats - That growl you hear is the Surf Riders ripping apart the decaying carcas of a once proud franchise.
Rolling Rock Wild Things - Too much 33 results in a blood alcohol level of .20. Having the Philly Eagles on a bye week spells disaster. Mr. Fred suffers his first defat.
Richmond Sluts - Yes, even a 50 point penalty wouldn't have helped their cause...
Rolling Blackouts - Lost by 5 points, started Hymes (3 points) at WR instead of Ashlie Lelie (10 points) - a definite contender!

I think we got a 3 horse race this week - i'll let you decide which horse is most deserving.

Also, what if we rename this award to the "Duke of the Week" or DOTW?

Week Four Recap, Continued ...

2004-10-07T18:55:00.000-07:00

I pick up my pen after a day’s reflection, to continue this story told of heartbreak and glory—the story of Week Four in the Montana Mile League.

Is anyone else still surprised that last year the Ocean Beach Surf Riders won the Superbowl? It isn’t that I begrudge Glen his success, it’s just that many dedicated coaches actually showed up at the draft last year—and they certainly didn’t get to win the championship. Now this year, Mr. Moy did deign to participate in the draft, and what did he do? He gave his nod to a rickety bunch of aging has-beens, who, once the season began, promptly started scoring points like they were young, hungry and still only twenty-four. Again this week, the pattern holds: 22 points from Curtis Martin, 14 points from Marshall Faulk, 21 points from Terrell Owens. This state of up-is-downism results in the unfortunate Beetles moving to dead bottom in the Nagurski, in spite of the fact that Bill’s eager young bunch has posted more points than any of his divisional rivals. If Daunte Culpepper hadn’t been on a bye, methinks the Surfers would have been swamped. Don’t worry brave Nagurskites, the pleasure of seeing the Surf Riders trounced will happen sooner than you think. You see, these old men will soon face the Bobcats and their fury!

But let’s continue to focus on Week Four, and turn our attention to the Sluts and the Wild Things. One team waltzed into this match-up undefeated, and one team slinked in sullied with three losses. How can we felicitously express what was the obvious result? I think Janie Frickie said it best: “It ain’t easy bein’ easy.” The Sluts needed to look to their tight end and defense for the bulk of their points—never a winning strategy. Meanwhile, as the Eagles go, so went the Wild Things, with an outstanding and surprising 23 points from Brian Westbrook leading their charge to victory.

I think that everything that needs to be said about the Specialists and the Mother Tuckers this week has already been said. A couple of last minute knees, a load of controversy—and two little girls and a dedicated father to boot. Maybe someday, just someday, our dreams of happiness won’t so easily be shattered.

And that brings us finally to the Mission Manhandlers and the Rolling Blackouts. I must admit my ignorance—I have no idea who B. Volek is (and, right now, I’m too lazy to click), but his 22 points help the Manhandlers get back to their winning ways, with a positively Surf-riderian 23 points from Emmit Smith to help things along quite nicely. Ron must be too busy saving lives to check his lineups—settling for a big zero from his Houston back did a lot to offset the yeoman contributions of Derrick Mason and, yes, David Terrell.

COTW nominations:

Ron for achieving zero points form Dominick Davis

Melissa for getting a combined 15 points from her QB and two RB’s

Scott for not breaking fifty points

I won’t nominate Duke because he’s had more than his fair share of polls lately, and I’ll give Kevin a pass due to the firewall situation at work.

Week Four Recap—Montana Mile League, Part One

2004-10-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

Week 4: 9/28/04 - 10/4/04

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 61 at Bay City Steamrollers 95

Arcadia Bobcats 72 at Emerald City Chimps 42

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 86 at Ocean Beach Surf Riders 103

Rolling Rock Wild Things 93 at Richmond Sluts 63

Joe's Mother Tuckers 70 at The Specialists 53

Mission Manhandlers 88 at Rolling Blackouts 57

Given the controversy in the past week, I thought it might be salutary to start this week’s recap with a quick summary of the philosophy of the Montana Mile League, as developed through the blood, sweat and tears of your humble forgotten commish, while he was working twelve-hour days on a windswept bluff high above the Mississippi, when the cold cut through to his bones and the bitter sun set so quickly behind an unforgiving sky: and it was simply this—that every tactic, every stratagem, every cold-hearted ploy was worthwhile … every muscle pulled beyond springing back and every sigh to the heaven’s above … all this was worthwhile if it could mean achieving nobly that elusive goal, the goal that each one of us joined the Montana Mile League for—the hope of someday feeling in our dirty and sunburnt hands the soft, cool grasp of victory. In as much as I saw that philosophy reflected this week, I applaud. As much as I saw it set to the side and left to rust and rot, I grieve.

Hidden amid the controversy coming from other franchises is the sad fact that the storied Scalping Savages front office is in disarray. Long-winded tales of cruel firewalls, DSL installation woes and unhelpful bosses cannot excuse this, the Savages’ third loss (there’s a rumor going around that the entire Savages coaching staff has decamped to South Carolina, not to regroup, but to lick their wounds far from where the internet could reach them). Failure to motivate the troops must have led to the pitiful performance of Pennington (one point) and Ahman Green (five points). The Steamrollers, meanwhile, took advantage of the Savage’s poor management structure, using double dozens from Priest and Moulds (shouldn’t he really be playing for the Bobcats?) to cruise to an easy victory. No wonder Mrs. Steamroller is angling for a franchise of her own.

And here come the Bobcats! Have you ever seen such grit, determination and good old-fashioned sportsmanship from such an underachieving group of loveable scamps? We all have our little peccadilloes, and if a line of cocaine here and there means thirty-two points from Mr. Lewis one week and nine the next (and nothing the next four), we here in Arcadia country are willing to accept that. After all, we have a new dog—and judging from her love of chasing squirrels and pigeons, this dog hunts! The Chimps are cursed right now by a string of bad choices (it was the system, not the player!), getting points in the teens and worse where they should have expected glory. Santana Moss, I hardly know ye.

To be continued ...

A Once Proud Institution Gets Embroiled in Controversy

2004-10-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

Ok - I'm not having fun anymore. What I had been doing as a passion and in the spirit of having a good time has turned into a "chore". How can we make this league better? How can we capture the spirit of a once proud game?

My Team is a Travesty

2004-10-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

Ok - the entire Chimps team is on the trading block. At 0-4 I have neary a solution in sight. I'm looking for some WR's and I have some running backs to trade. E-mail me your offers - any offers that stink will be promptly ignored.

Check THIS out.

Week 4 Preview

2004-10-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

Sei did a pretty good job last week - he picked 4 out of the 6 games correctly. Here's my 1 cent for week 4:

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages vs. Bay City Steamrollers - I know that Kevin has had some "issues" with internet access outside of work. I also know that he can't bypass the Mercy Home firewall when he tries to set his lineups at work. That said, if he starts 3 players this week who are on a bye week (which is his current setting) then he's in for a world of hurt. That said, I think it might be futile anyway, I like the BCS to take it from the BSS by a 20 point margin. If Kevin doesn't set his lineups on time, I give the BCS +40.

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles vs. Ocean Beach Surf Riders - Daunte is on a bye week, Vinnie is on a bye week, Gannon is out for 6 weeks (and the Chimps got Collins). Bill has neary a QB in sight, I think he would be wise to pick up Drew Brees before Sunday. This is all a mute point anyway, Glen's juggernaut is just too dominant. Surf Riders +30.

Rolling Rock Wild Things vs. Richmond Sluts - Can Mr. Fred be stopped? Not against these sluts! As the Eagles go, so goes Mr. Fred. Eagles vs. Chicago - me thinks Mr. Fred is in for a big week. The Richmond IR list continues to grow, and with a patchwork backfield of Michael Pittman and Aaron Stecker, the Sluts have a bumpy reverse cowgirl ride in front of them. Get ready for the deep double penetration. Ouch! Wild Things +25.

Joe's Mothertuckers vs. The Special Olympics - Will Duke pay on time? Will he be assessed a 20 point penalty? He had 14 hours to solve this problem. Tuckers look pretty tough, especially with Thomas "I'm the new Priest" Jones at RB. Might be tough if he has to rely on Chambers and Stallworth to catch the rock. Duke's team is scarily strong this year, and this week he's primed to win again, but that 20 point penalty could spell disaster. If Duke pays on time, I give his team +10, if he doesn't, it's the MOTO +10.

Mission Manhandlers vs. Rolling Blackouts - Will McNair play? Can the Blackouts win with a run and shoot 3 receiver set? Can Emmitt Smith even run? David Terrell? This one is a close call - with Moss on a bye week, I think I gotta go with the Blackouts +7.

Arcadia Bobcats vs. Emerald City Chimps - Pete hasn't set his lineups yet. I think this will be the week I finally get off the snide. Can Deshaun Foster be the answer? Well, I prefer that matchup over Rudi @ Pitt and Griffin @ Tampa. Perhaps Foster was a one week wonder, but I gotta roll the dice. Pete's team could have a breakout week too, and if he makes the right moves, I think he has a fighting chance. I have to pick the Chimps +3.

How difficult is it to pay $15? Evidently pretty hard if thy name is Duke!

Week 3 Recap (by Glen)

2004-09-29T07:10:00.000-07:00

(he had some "problems" logging into the blog, so I'm posting this on his behalf) -

Ocean Beach Surf Riders defeat Richmond Sluts 160 - 117
Specialists defeat Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 137 - 55
Rolling Blackouts defeat Bay City Steam Rollers 112 - 71
Joes Mother Tuckers defeat Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 110 - 103
Rolling Rock Wild Things defeat Emerald City Chimps 103 - 74
Arcadia Bobcats defeat Mission Manhandlers 87 - 81

In the week's most lop-sided game, the delinquent Specialists managed to shrug off their league-imposed penalty and thoroughly spank their Butkus division rivals. Thanks to a mind-boggling 61 point performance from Javon Walker, the Dukester strung together back-to-back wins. There wasn't much the Savages could do in this matchup, with only Tory Holt managing to score double-digit points. Heck, Duke could have been his usual clueless self by not starting Walker and he still would have won! So the first COTW game ball goes to Kevin for not only losing to Duke, but losing badly to Duke.

In this not so exhilarating battle of ex-roommates, Pete's Bobcats managed to secure bragging rights over the Manhandlers this time around. Jamal Lewis is clearly making the most of his remaining days of freedom, generating 32 points for the owner of Casa del Schoewe. But the story behind this matchup of "titans" (and I use that term VERY loosely folks) is the 24 points riding pine for the Manhandlers in the form of Brad Johnson. While few MML observers can fault Kanako for going with franchise player Steve McNair, a bruised sternum will not get you points or wins in this league. It will however get you a COTW nomination.

If the city by the bay has been a dreary place for the Steamrollers as of late, it's also a little darker now thanks to the Blackouts. Mr. Fantasy Football Priest Holmes was anything but that this week, coming up with an anemic 13 points and ZERO TDs. One can already hear Sei working the waiver pool furiously. Blackout QB Trent Green shrugged off his two previous Disappointing Player of the Week awards to lead a balanced Lubelchek attack. But the most eye opening statistic of this game was Sei's decision to leave Brett Favre and his 40 points on the bench! Not that it would have secured the 'Rollers a Week 3 win, but still . . . benching Brett? Upsetting 6 million cheeseheads and the football gods definitely calls for a COTW game ball.

Mr. Fred's offseason regimen of beer, women, and rock-n-roll for the RRWT is clearly paying dividends as they start the 2004 campaign 3-0. Quarterback Donovan McNabb produced his third straight 25+ point game while leading the boys from Philly past the bottom dwellers of the Butkus division. One has to wonder what the hell is going on at Chimps headquarters as Commish Lee can't get production from any of his RBs. Clinton Portis and Quentin Griffin took sucking to new depths as they managed a woeful 11 points between the two of them. That's after generating a whopping 15 points the week before. The only thing this dynamic duo managed to produce in Week 3 was a COTW nomination for Scott.

The Tuckers also start the season off in fine fashion, edging out the Long-Horned Beatles by seven. Thomas Jones once again led the JMTs to victory, rattling off his third straight 20+ point game. Marc "I miss Kurt" Bulger tossed in 27 points to offset a slow day at the office for Ladainian. As for the Fighting Morans, it looks like the Sluts passed on the injury bug to the Beatles. Losing Rich Gannon, Charlie Garner, and Todd Heap to injuries is clearly not good news for the struggling 1-2 Beatles. Thankfully Duante Culpepper came up with yet another 30+ point performance. But team observers wonder out loud whether the CLHB can get by week after week on Duante's arm and Bill's charming wit. Stay tuned.

As for the OBSR, they abused the gals from the Richmond like the sluts they are. Did Moy's boys care that the Sluts were battered and bruised? Hell no! Leading the MML yet again in offensive production, the Riders were the beneficiaries of impressive performances by Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne. Not even the Monday night heroics of Ron Gardner (39 points) could rescue the Sluts from their scheduled appointment with defeat. All Sluts' asst. coach Mac Liu could say during the postgame interview was "160 frickin points?!?!" COTW for Melissa? Ya sure ya betcha.

Player of the Week: Is there any question as to who should win this? 3 TDs, 220 yards, and 61 points?!?! It's gotta be Javon Walker even if he plays for Duke.

Disappointing Player of the Week: Hey it's not Trent Green! This dubious honor has to go to Michael Vick (Sluts). Negative one point against Arizona? Two fumbles, an interception, and zero TDs? Eli Manning would have been a better start and he was picking splinters from his ass all day Sunday.

Question of the Week: Will the check finally make its way to Scott?

GM Move of the Week: It's gotta go to Melissa for winning the Aaron Stecker sweepstakes and picking up the Falcons D, which generated 21 and 27 points respectively for the Sluts.

Well there you have it . . . Week 3. Don't forget to vote early and often for COTW.

Glen to do the Week 3 Recap

2004-09-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

Not sure if it will be posted here (Glen's not registered yet) or on the league page. I hope he posts it here - it will look nicer.

I'll put up the COTW poll and me thinks Glen will list the "qualifications" in his recap.

I think he's shooting to have something posted by tomorrow (Wednesday).

Week 3 Picks

2004-09-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

My guess is that there won't be enough participation every week to justify a prize, but here are my predictions anyway.

SteamRollers vs Blackouts
BayCity's been a dreary place so far this year, w/Priest Holmes being the only bright spot. And he's questionable for this week! Although the Blackouts have one of the best RB duos in Alexander and DDavis, Trent Green has been atrocious. As much as it pains me to say it,
Pick: Blackouts by 10 if Priest plays, 30 if Priest doesn't

Chimps vs 33's
The 0-2 Chimps vs the 2-0 Rocks, sounds like a gimme. But not so fast. The Eagle heavy Rocks will only go so far as the men in green and the Chimps have been plenty of talent, just look at that bench scoring! Read, chimpy has made some bad decisions. Even though I think Reche Caldwell will not pan out, I believe in the Lions D even less,
Pick: 33's by 10

Savages vs Specialists
Even without the 10 pt deduction, the Specialists are lookin' weak, but if they've (plural on purpose) made some savvy moves recently. If they get their house in order and decide to play Corey Dillon and get their entry fee in, they'd be close. But I'm not holding my breath.
Pick: Savages by 20

Surfers vs Sluts
Congratulations to the Sluts on winning the Stecker Sweepstakes. But when your starting RB's are Dominic Rhodes and Aaron Stecker, you need to get your pacifier ready because you're gonna get a spanking. Even w/Curtis on the bench, it's hard to imagine how the Sluts can cobble the points to steal this one.
Pick: Surfers by 25

Beetles vs Tuckers
Once again, the Tuckers come out of the blocks fast at 2-0. The Beetles are definitely doing better now that they've joined forces w/the Julias. Unfortunately, by the looks of it, they're still asleep at the wheel, starting Todd Heap while he's injured. Just for that the Gods of Fantasy Football will strike them down and award this game to
Pick: Tuckers by 20

Nee Schmoos, Nee Mission vs Bobkittens
The battle of the former roommates is looking more like the Toilet Bowl than the Super Bowl. Bunch of has-beens and yet-to-be-seens. Emmitt Smith vs Dwayne Carswell. The only way the Bobs pull this out is if Jamal Lewis outscores Moss by a lot. Not likely.
Pick: VisValley by 20

Week 3 Preview?

2004-09-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

Any volunteers to write a week 3 preview? I think it would be cool if everyone put in a prediction for the week. Maybe one week we can do that and the person who gets the most right gets a $5 credit for transaction fees? Thoughts?

Week 2 Recap

2004-09-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

Specialists (108) defeat Emerald City Chimps (88)
Rolling Rock Wild Things (90) defeat Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (89)
Bay City Steamrollers (68) defeat Richmond Sluts (57)
Ocean Beach Surf Riders (124) defeat Rolling Blackouts (65)
Joe’s Mothertuckers (96) defeat Arcadia Bobcats (65)
Mission Manhandlers (88) defeat Chicago Long Horned Beatles (87)

The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat! Two games decided by 1 point apiece – one of which came down to the very last Eagles defensive play on Monday Night! We’ll start with those games.

With Bill’s Long Horned Beatles leading 89-88, Daunte Culpepper had no business throwing the ball at the end of regulation when his team was down by 11. Inexplicably, however, on 2nd and 11 with less than 1:11 left to play, Culpepper threw the cruelest of passes. It landed in the hands of Philly’s Ike Reese, and what was a 1 point victory turned into a 1 point defeat. Kanako 88, Bill 87. Oh cruel fate!

Mr. Fred was also able to sliver his way through a 1 point splinter. His Rolling Rock Wild Things won 90-89 over the formidable Kevin Savage. The play that cemented his victory was McNabb’s 45 yard strike to Terrell Owens right at the start of the Fourth Quarter. I don’t know if you were watching, but the replay of that catch made me think that TO was still trying to get control of that ball as he was falling out of bounds. I think that if the play was challenged, Mr. Fred might be drowning his sorrows right now with some magically fermented hops.

What can be said about Duke beating the Commish in week 2? Well, year 1 I beat him, last year we tied, so this year it seemed only right that he would emerge victorious. Duke’s Specialists had the 2nd highest point total of the week (108), and the Chimps remain deflated and winless after posting 88 points. My running back woes continue, as Quentin Griffin couldn’t replicate his week 1 success and Clinton Portis had trouble holding onto the football. To make matters worse, free agent pick-up Deshaun Foster rumbled to to 26 points on 174 yards rushing (still wouldn’t have been enough for me to win – so I’m ok with it). As of this writing, Duke still hasn’t paid his entry fee.

Glen’s Surf Riders continue their Fantasy Dominance. They have made themselves the New England Patriots of the Montana Mile League. He scores a week high of 124 points. 75% of his starting lineup scored in double figures, led by 30 points from the AGELESS Curtis Martin! The man is on fire. Will he burn out before the season ends? Can those old and tired legs withstand an entire season of bruising punishment? Only time will tell. For now, however, Glen has the right to talk as much smack as he can muster. Luckily for the rest of us he is a humble man, a man of modest means, and a man who lets his teams performance on the field do all the talking for him week in and week out. High five to Glen again.

Sei gets the weekly Winona for this week. Last week it was Bill for not starting Todd Heap, this week I give it to Sei because he won his game with a point total of 68. None of his players were truly horrific (well, Boo Williams had a 0, but that can happen at the TE position – especially when the NO running game was non-existant after the Deuce got injured) – but none were spectacular either. The Steamrollers will have to address their problems at the running back position in order to solidify a shaky roster. If anyone can do it, Sei is the person for the job.

Peter Bobcat starts the season 0-2 with a dismal 65 point performance against the lethal Mothertuckers. The defeat is all the more painful given that Kelen Winslow Jr. is out for 8 weeks with a broken fibula. Woe is Pete! Joe’s 2 headed RB monster of Thomas Jones and Ladanian Tomlinson rumbled to 39 points as his team almost cracked the century mark.

Player of the week: Curtis Martin (Ocean Beach Surf Riders) – 119 yards rushing, 2 rush td’s, 6 receptions for 25 yards = 30 points. This is back to back for Cujo and Moi.

Disappointing Player of the week: Trent Green (Rolling Blackouts) – 187 yards passing, 1 INT, 0 TD, 15 yards rushing, 1 fumble lost = 0 points. This is back to back for Trent and Ron – except this week Ron lost the game. Not good for a first round pick to have a total of 2 points over 2 weeks.

Benched Player of the week: Deshaun Foster (Emerald City Chimps) – 174 yards rushing, 1 rush TD = 26 points. This is back to back for Commish Lee. No love from the RB stable of the Chimps. Maybe it’s time I traded some of these studs?

Biggest Injury of the week: Deuce McCallister (Richmond Sluts) – “An MRI revealed a partial tear of the tibio-fibular ligament, which is the ligament on the top of the ankle where the shin bone connects to the ankle joint. He is out four to fix weeks.” OUCH. This is back to back for Melissa. Deuce joins Steve Smith on the injured list. Tough love man.

Lowlight of the week: I refuse to add insult to injury. So while Melissa’s team could only score 57 points this week, the lowlight has got to be any team that loses to Duke. The Chimps are the lowlight of the week. They have the 6th highest points scored (171) but no victories to show for it. Those match-ups are killing the Chimps! To quote Charlton Heston, “Damn it all, damn it all to HELL!!!!” Chimps also have the most points against at 211.

Nominees for COTW this week:
Scott – For losing to Duke
Kevin – Lost by 1 point, benched Koren Robinson (13 points) in favor of Peerless Price (2 points).
Bill – For losing on the last minute INT (meaningless) by Culpepper
Melissa – low score of 57 points
Pete – 65 points and no wins to show for all his bravado
Ron – He almost got doubled up by those magnificent surf riders (124-65)

Here’s hoping for more drama in week 3! Comment away….

Bold Predictions?

2004-09-17T15:26:00.000-07:00

Does anyone care to predict the outcome of our week 2 matches?

Rolling Rock Wild Things at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages
The Specialists at Emerald City Chimps
Richmond Sluts at Bay City Steamrollers
Rolling Blackouts at Ocean Beach Surf Riders
Joe's Mother Tuckers at Arcadia Bobcats
Mission Manhandlers at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles

Come on peanut gallery, let's get this blog party started!

I get the Duke-ster this week. I gotta put on my game face. I really like the match-ups this week across the board - every game has drama.

Week 1 Recap

2004-09-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (103) defeat Emerald City Chimps (83)
Rolling Rock Wild Things (117) defeat the Specialists (62)
Ocean Beach Surf Riders (135) defeat Bay City Steamrollers (70)
Rolling Blackouts (101) defeat Richmond Sluts (55)
Chicago Long-Horned Beatles (102) defeat Arcadia Bobcats (83)
Joe’s Mothertuckers (91) defeat Mission Manhandlers (42)

What can be said that hasn’t been said before? Duke lost. Not a shocker. Commish lost; also no surprise. Mr. Fred won in convicing fashion à Now that’s some Fantasy news right there! Bill’s team won. Wait, am I dreaming? Is this a Fantasy or a Nightmare? Kanako almost got doubled up by Joe. Now I know she’s eating for two, so does that mean only half her brain is playing football? Say it ain’t so! Sei lost, but I’m sure he’ll bounce back in usual Sei fashion, utilizing a dazzling array of free agent pick-ups to bolster his Fantasy hubris. Melissa was defeated handily by Ron – perhaps her lack of Commish-assisted-draft has finally caught up to her. Defending champ Glen had the highest point total of the week with 135. Who would’ve thought that 90 year old Curtis Martin could “run” for 196 yards and that Marshall “Disappointing for the Chimps” Faulk would look so spry on route to 128 rushing yards? It had to be the Moi. But could Moi have also been the reason for Vinny throwing for 355 yards? Do his powers really extend that far? Vinny is on Bill’s team, and Bill started Billy Miller at TE instead of Todd Heap and he still won – I think someone has been smoking their own crack, and it’s working.

Two words for the old commish: Quentin Griffin. Do I dare bench Rudi Rudi Rudi for the 5’7” wonder in Denver?

Player of the week: Curtis Martin (Ocean Beach Surf Riders) – 196 yards rushing, 1 rushing td, 3 receptions for 7 yards, 1 receiving TD = 40 points.

Disappointing player of the week: Trent Green (Rolling Blackouts) – 174 passing yards, 0 td’s, 1 int = 2 points. Luckily this didn’t hurt Ron. He had a fine stable of studs to make up the difference (Shawn Alexander – 34, Dominic Davis – 20, Deion Branch – 15, Antonio Gates – 16)

Benched player of the week: Quentin Griffin (EC Chimps - does the old commish dare bench Rudi Rudi Rudi for QG?) – 156 yards rushing, 2 rushing td’s, 1 reception for 1 yard, 1 receiving td = 34 points

Biggest injury of the week: Steve Smith (Richmond Sluts) – Broken leg – out for at least 8 weeks and probably more! Oh the agony. He looked pretty good with 6 catches for 60 yards (9 points) – but that injury was some brutal stuff.

Lowlight of the week: Mission Manhandlers score 42 points in game 1. 17 of those points came from Randy Moss. QB’s plus RB’s scored a grand total of 11 points. The Panthers Defense looked horrible against the Packers and yielded Kanako –1 point! Who would’ve thunk it? Me thinks that Eddie George at running back ain’t going to get the job done this season.

Nominees for COTW this week:
Kanako – for scoring 42 points
Melissa – 55 points, only one player in double figures (Isaac Bruce had 22)
Scott – for watching Quentin Griffin on Sunday and clenching his fists in utter despair!
Duke – he lost, he’s Duke, he has to be nominated
Sei – of his 70 points, Priest Holmes had over half of them (36)

I am going to spare Pete a nomination this week since Monday was his birthday. Otherwise I think this year all COTW nominees will be the losers from that week.

Sorry this recap is so brief, but I’m tired. Perhaps others will post their own recaps or we’ll get some witty repartee going on in the comments section.

A Minor Change

2004-09-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

(and I don't mean Travis Minor).

I have enabled "comments" for anyone viewing this blog. Now you don't have to register in order to post comments - but you will need to accept the invite I have sent to the Franchise Owners in order to post bulletin board messages.

Football!

An Outsiders Perspective: For What It's Worth

2004-08-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

In a nutshell, I see some good teams out there.

But with the same caveats as my friend, Scott, here are a few observations.

Andre Johnson is a good, solid pick, if you ask me. Good things are coming from the Texans. Carr ain't no slouch (or Couch, if you will) either. I wouldn't misunderestimate the Texans.

Brett Favre was a bulwark for my championship team last year in my other keeper league. Yes, he's a bit older and not so flashy and maybe less exciting than thinking you're getting some younger guy. But hey, Brett and Jamal Lewis shouldered the burden for an otherwise mediocre team for me last year, and I won. In short, I like him and I'd take him again.

Derrick Mason is another one of those guys. Flashy, no. But he missed 100 hard games on numerous occasions last year by a yard or two. Solid stuff.

The biggest surprise to me was how far Stephen Davis fell. Why, b/c he's old?

I was also a little surprised that Jamal Lewis didn't go higher--but there is that little thing about the jail time (and Kanako's Randy Moss fetish).

This may come as a surprise to some, or many, but I really like the look of the Bobcats. Yes, there are some questions--you know, the jail time and all. But if things fall into place, this could be tough team to beat. Naturally, I fear for the effect on morale without Joe Jurevicious, but I suspect the Bobcats owner will find a way to bring Joe home before all is said and done.

I think Favre and Holmes could take the Steamrollers a long way, too.

Bulger, Tomlinson and Gonzo could be formidable, too, except that San Diego doesn't have an offensive line, so far as I've heard. But then, they never have, so far as I know, and Tomli is well...Tomli. Bulger seems to me to be sort of a crap shoot--but then, I don't like the Rams, so I may be biased.

The Sluts also strike me as pretty much all around tough. Though, I'm not completely sold on Bruce, either (I wouldn't pick him--except maybe at around #192)--and to some extent, Shockey. I think I have somewhat higher hopes for Vick than Scott does. I mean, hey, the raw talent has to go for something.

The Blackouts and Wild Things also certainly show very good potential. But I'll admit that I don't even know who Antonio Gates is. But then, if you don't have Gonzo at TE, it doesn't really matter. If I were so rash as to predict, I'd say they should be tough to beat.

Of course, it's really too early to tell, and I'd be hesitant to put my money anywhere, just yet. For example, another quick glance shows me the combo of Culpepper, Harrison, Heap and Driver. Yeah, Driver didn't do squat last year, and quite frankly, pissed me off. But you never know. He's decent and Favre is still there. Culpepper is as good a player as there is, and Harrison is gold. I'd be happy with that team even if I had actually picked them, and I'd definitely be happy with them as auto-draft picks. (As I'm sure a certain late-comer to the draft last year would have been...haha...)

Oh yeah, that Delhomme guy...didn't he almost win the Superbowl last year, or something like that?

Draft Recap 2004!

2004-08-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

Montana Mile League 2004 Draft Recap and Analysis

Thanks to everyone who attended the draft. I think it was a pretty good turn of events, not too many surprises. I think the competition will be fierce this year! I’ll do round by round analysis and then I’ll do some team by team observations and grades. And remember, these are just my opinions – feel free to disagree – and for heaven’s sake, do not get upset if I insult you!

Round 1
Best Pick: Tie – #8 Deuce McCallister (Richmond Sluts) and #11 Jamal Lewis (Arcadia Bobcats). I think both these guys probably should have gone 6 and 7, not 8 and 11
Most Questionable Pick: #7 Matt Hasselbeck (The Specialists [aka the Special Olympians]). I think he would have been available in the 2nd or 3rd round. He’ll be a solid Fantasy QB, but not worthy of a 7th pick.
Natsukashi pick: #9 Randy Moss (Kanako) – what would our league be without Kanako having Randy Moss?

Round 2
Best Pick: No real standouts here – too early to really tell.
Biggest Gamble: #17 Michael Vick (Richmond Sluts). This could pay huge dividends if he can stay healthy for the entire year.
Most Questionable Pick: Tie - #23 Marc Bulger (Joe’s Mother Tuckers) and #24 Brett Favre (Bay City Steamrollers) – Personally I would have drafted McNair and Brooks ahead of both Bulger and Favre. Plus I think these guys would’ve been available in Round 4. I don’t really believe in drafting a QB early – but what the hell do I know, I have never won this damn thing.
Natsukashi pick: Tie - #16 Fred Taylor (Kanako) and #14 Chad Johnson (Arcadia Bobcats) – Pete has always sported wood towards Chad Johnson – and Kanako taking Fred Taylor is about as surprising as Kanako taking Randy Moss.

Round 3
Best Pick: #32 Stephen Davis (Richmond Sluts). I also liked the selection of Barlow at #29, but I felt Davis was higher on the depth chart and selected 3 spots lower.
Most Questionable Pick: #35 Travis Henry (Arcadia Bobcats). This guy hasn’t even been announced as the starter – he’s fighting for the job and plus he just injured his ribs in a Saturday pre-season game.
Risk is worth potential reward pick: #27 Marshall Faulk (Ocean Beach Surf Riders) – I wouldn’t have done it, but our defending champ thinks this Marshall still has some gas left in the tank. I learned that lesson 2 years in a row, that tank won’t be empty, but the wheels might be flat after 8 games.
Natsukashi pick: #35 Travis Henry (Arcadia Bobcats). Pete can’t resist any Buffalo Bill. He’d draft Jim Kelly if he were on an NFL Roster.

Round 4
Best Pick: #40 Steve McNair (Mission Manhandlers). This guy is a stud – Kanako gambled by taking Hines Ward in round 3 and that gamble will pay off all the way to 25 passing TD’s and 5 rushing TD’s.
Most Questionable Pick: #42 Andre Johnson (The Specialists). I only say this because I know precious little about this Houston Texan except for the fact that he’s on the Texans and therefore should not be drafted in the first 6 rounds (unless his last name is Davis). I might be eating crow at seasons end.
Hedging your bets pick: #38 Willis McGahee (Arcadia Bobcats). Basically Pete turned his #3 and #4 picks into one pick – the Buffalo Running Back. With any luck one of these guys might get 1,000 yards this year, but not both, and well, Pete used 2 precious picks to find out which. Now if either player gets traded to the Dolphins before game 1, Pete will have to get consideration for Executive of the year award. If not, he may find a few COTW’s in his lunchbox.
Natsukashi pick: Tied - #40 Steve McNair (Mission Manhandlers) and #45 Aaron Brooks (EC Chimps). Kanako and McNair are just like Kanako and Moss and just like Kanako and Fred Taylor. Aaron Brooks - I had this sucker 2 years ago and he caused me a lot of misery and joy. I had to revisit those feelings of yore!

Round 5
Best Pick: #60 Kevin Jones (Rolling Blackouts). Sure he’s a rookie, but I think I’d rather have him instead of Curtis Martin and Eddie George (both of whom were picked ahead of him). This is a sleeper pick and a risk that I think is worth taking.
Most Questionable Pick: #52 Keenan McCardell (EC Chimps). Ok – I didn’t know he wasn’t in camp and is demanding a trade or a release. I’m an idiot.
Pre-mature Pickulation: #55 Baltimore DST (The Specialists). Defense in round 5? Had it not been for my ignorance of McCardell, this would be listed above where it is now and below “Best Pick”.
Natsukashi pick: #51 Curtis Martin (OB Surf Riders). I think Glen had him last year, I could be mistaken and therefore this is null and void.

Round 6
Best Pick: #62 Tom Brady (Arcadia Bobcats). I’m surprised this puppy fell all the way to the 6th round. He’s the Super Bowl MVP for crying out loud. I also liked the selection of Jerry Porter at #64.
Most Questionable Pick: #63 Mike Vanderjagt (Rolling Rock Wild Things). Mr. Fred picks a kicker in round 6! Need I say more? See comment about “pre-mature” picks from round 5. Runner up goes to Sei for picking the always disappointing Quincy Morgan at #72 (dawg, be prepared for the Quincy Ulcer).
Risk/Reward Pick: #69 Quentin Griffin (EC Chimps) and #71 Lee Suggs (Joe’s Mother Tuckers). Neither player has been picked as the starter, but they both could have breakout season – definitely worth the middle round selections? Only time will tell!
Natsukashi pick: None

Round 7
Best Pick: #76 Jimmy Smith (EC Chimps). Sure he’s old, but I think he still has a lot to prove. He missed 4 games last year and still managed to compile over 800 yards receiving. He needs to stay healthy and continue building that rapport between Leftwich and the end zone.
Most Questionable Pick: #83 Andre Davis (Arcadia Bobcats) – I’m not sure that Andre will have that much of an impact this season – but I’ve been wrong before and I’m going out on the limb again and calling this a stinker.
Rookie Note: #79 Larry Fitzgerald (The Specialists). Will he be the next Anquan Boldin or the 2nd coming of Keyshawn Johnson?
Natsukashi pick: #77 Keyshawn Johnson (Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages). No one wanted him – there has got to be nostalgia involved in why that is so.

Round 8
Best Pick: #85 Jake Delhomme (Rolling Blackouts). This guy is due for a breakout year. I really like this selection in round 8.
Most Questionable Pick: #90 Rex Grossman (The Specialists). Picking a backup QB in round 8 is like picking a defense in round 5. Wait, the Specialists did both!
Best name: #87 Alge Crumpler (Rolling Rock Wild Things). Not quite as good as Chris Ma’afatu Ma’a’fala (or whatever it is).
Natsukashi pick: None

Ok – I won’t go into the 2nd half picks. I’ll make a few notes.

Injury pick: Round 10, #117 Anquan Boldin (EC Chimps). I had to do it. I might be releasing him by week 3, but I had to do it.
Starting Running Back not selected at all: The Ageless Emmitt Smith.
Natsukashi picks: #163 Dez White (Chicago Long Horned Beatles) – no longer a Bear, but once again a Beatle! #192 Joe Jurevicious (Bay City Steamrollers). In the immortal words of the wise Mr. Lee, “It had to be done.” I, for one, am most thankful!

Draft Grades and projected starting lineups

Arcadia Bobcats
Projected lineup: Tom Brady, Jamal Lewis, Henry/McGahee, Chad Johnson, Andre Davis, Kellen Winslow, Jason Elam, Buffalo DST
Starting lineup grade: B. Not sure about the Buffalo RB situation and the 2nd WR.
Bench grade: C-. Musa Smith? Jason Witten?

Bay City Steamrollers
Projected lineup: Brett Favre, Priest Holmes, Duce Staley, Laverneous Coles, Eric Moulds, Boo Williams, John Hall, Dallas DST
Starting lineup grade: B. I don’t like Duce Staley. Holmes is money and Sei is going to ride that gravy train for 14 weeks.
Bench grade: B. He’s got a few good reserves in there. David Carr at backup QB though is a big bye week risk!

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages
Projected lineup: Chad Pennington, Kevan Barlow, Ahman Green, Torry Holt, Peerless Price, Randy McMichael, Adam Vinatieri, St. Louis DST
Starting lineup grade: A. Pretty solid front to back – only ? might be the St. Louis DST.
Bench grade: B. A few cast-offs mixed in with some diamonds in the rough. Not a bad bench but not exactly groundbreaking. I think Kevin did a nice job in the draft.

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles (auto-draft)
Projected lineup: Daunte Culpepper, Tiki Barber, Charlie Garner, Marvin Harrison, Donald Driver, Todd Heap, David Akers, Tampa Bay DST
Starting lineup grade: B. Not bad for an auto-draft team. Garner is a risk and Barber is always a risk (hold onto the damn ball!). The Culpepper and Harrison duo will be the bread and butter.
Bench grade: B+. Actually not a bad bench, a few old dogs (Jerry Rice and Vinny T) but they haven’t been in this league for that long without having produced results.

Emerald City Chimps
Projected lineup: Aaron Brooks, Rudi Johnson, Clinton Portis, Santana Moss, Jimmy Smith, Marcus Pollard, John Kasay, Tennessee DST.
Starting lineup grade: B+. A few risks but those running backs might run rough shod over everyone. I had been eyeing Portis since June!
Bench grade: D+. By my own admission, my bench needs some work. Griffin might prove to be invaluable, but my WR’s need some help.

Joe’s Mother Tuckers
Projected lineup: Marc Bulger, Ladanian Tomlinson, Lee Suggs, Chris Chambers, Darrell Jackson, Tony Gonzalez, Sebastian Janikowski, Miami DST
Starting lineup grade: B-. Not sure Suggs will get the majority of carries here, but he could be a sleeper. My big question for Chris Chambers is “how will you shake all the double teams”? Miami needs some serious help with Ricky Williams retirement. As a result also, their Defense will likely spend more time on the field than off of it. Hmm.
Bench grade: C+. Not sure it’s a good idea to carry 2 DST’s. He also hedged his bets by picking up the back up SD RB. He’s got some good trade bait in both Leftwich and Rattay.

Mission Manhandlers
Projected lineup: Steve McNair, Fred Taylor, Eddie George, Randy Moss, Hines Ward, Jim Kleinsasser, Joe Nedney, Carolina DST
Starting lineup grade: B+. Eddie George is old. Kleinsasser is a tad inconsistent. The Moss and Ward duo is remarkable and probably no one else has 2 WR’s of this quality. Is it enough?
Bench grade: A. I like Kanako’s bench – she’s knee deep in receivers and if George stalls she can insert Minor – provided he can retain the starting job in Miami. Porter on that bench could also see some time in her starting lineup if she chooses to go to the 3 WR set!

Ocean Beach Surf Riders
Projected lineup: Peyton Manning, Marshall Faulk, Curtis Martin, Terrell Owens, Amani Toomer, Itula Mili, Jeff Wilkins, New England DST
Starting lineup grade: B-. This one could prove me wrong but I think this roster of aging has-beens might be the Fantasy Football equivalent of the 2004 Seattle Mariners.
Bench grade: B+. Bench ain’t bad actually.

Richmond Sluts
Projected lineup: Michael Vick, Deuce McAllister, Stephen Davis, Steve Smith, Isaac Bruce, Jeremy Shockey, Ryan Longwell, Philadelphia DST.
Starting lineup grade: A-. I’m not sold on Bruce being a starting WR. We’ll see
Bench grade: B. Some good (Duckett, Gardner, Galloway), some bad (Jesus and Eli).

Rolling Blackouts
Projected lineup: Trent Green, Shawn Alexander, Domanick Davis, Derrick Mason, Deion Branch, Antonio Gates, Josh Brown, Oakland DST
Starting lineup grade: B. I’m not sold on the receivers, but that backfield is TASTY.
Bench grade: A-. Delhomme and Kevin Jones make this the chocolate for his peanut butter.

Rolling Rock Wild Things
Projected lineup: Donovan McNabb, Edgerrin James, Brian Westbrook, Joe Horn, Plaxico Burress, Alge Crumpler, Mike Vanderjagt, Pittsburgh DST
Starting lineup grade: B+. Mr. Fred did a pretty good job!
Bench grade: C-. Mr. Fred did a pretty bad job!

The Specialists
Projected lineup: Matt Hasselbeck, Michael Bennett, Corey Dillon, Andre Johnson, Javon Walker, Ben Troupe, Matt Stover, Baltimore DST.
Starting lineup grade: C. If it looks like a rat and it smells like a rat, than by golly it must be . . .
Bench grade: B-. Larry Fitzgerald could be maximum bling for minimum bring.

That’s all for now!

BEWARE THE FOX VALLEY FLYERS

2004-08-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

Oops...wrong sport...wrong league.

Hey, does all this football stuff mean nobody cares about baseball anymore?

Draft Recap TBD

2004-08-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Depending on how much time I have at work this week, I'll try to write a draft recap. I encourage others to take the initiative if I do not get to this.

I am dismayed that my 4th pick in the draft (Keenan McCardell) hasn't even reported to training camp due to salary disputes. It's going to be another long year for the Chimps!

Arcadia Bobcats prepare for move to new stadium

2004-08-21T17:37:00.000-07:00

AP (Arcadia Terrace) The Arcadia Bobcats announced today that they are relocating from their current home, Consolidated Container Field in Arcadia Terrace, to a new stadium located in the city's West Town neighborhood.

"Pear Tree Center is ideal in many ways," says team owner, Peter Schoewe. "We'll own the stadium, rather than be on a year-to-year lease, and we'll be able to fill all the seats every weekend due to the more central location."

Schoewe says that the move to a new neighborhood will have no effect on the team's name. "The Arcadia Bobcats have such a great legacy of integrity, grit and sportsmanship. With the recent self-destruction of the Tundra Titans, we're the oldest team in the MML."

In other news, Schoewe noted that the team's draft plan is almost complete, and that the nuanced drafting strategy developed by the detailed analysis of hundreds of scouting reports should lead to the total dominance of the Bobcats in the '04 season.

When asked who his first draft pick will be, Schoewe only replied, "I can guarantee you it will be a surprise."

Draft Notes

2004-08-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

I have already been notified that 2 teams are not going to be attending the draft - Bill's Beatles and Mr. Fred Rolling Rock Wild Things. If I can, I will try to expedite their picks if there is an auto choice in queue for them - if not, we'll have 2 minute pauses between their computer picks to ponder the events of the day.

Don't skip the draft if you can avoid it - it is CRUCIAL to your success!

Sweet Blog

2004-08-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

Good idea, Scott. Awesome looking blog. Suits my taste, at any rate. And thanks again for keeping me in the loop. I hope I will not forever suffer from my self-imposed banishment.

From what I see, maybe I'll have to end up behind the Dukedom throne, pulling some strings, anyway. Haha...

Quite a fancy blog

2004-08-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

... for the Montana Mile League.

Instructions

2004-08-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

Once you "accept" the invite to the blog you should be able to post messages by clicking on the "CREATE NEW POST" link on the left hand side of the page.

Let the blogging begin!

The Montana Mile League Blog!

2004-08-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

This is a place for all of you to post your thoughts and comments about our little Football league. I'll be posting whatever recaps I can in this blog and you should do as much trash talking as possible. Of course you are also free to use the league message boards, but I think you can get a more robust entry by using this blog.