Kevin's 2006 Draft Recap

The 2006 Montana Mile League Draft Recap:

Uneasy Lies the Head that Drafts McCown:

Welcome to the 2006-2007 NFL Fantasy Football Season!

Though the leaves are still lush and the mercury continues to swell, football is finally upon us.

And after another disastrous baseball season, I couldn’t be happier.

Since Matt already gave us a little intro below, let’s just jump right into things, shall we? There have already been some fascinating, horrifying, and peculiar developments in the Montana Mile League…and they’ve all involved Peter.

How could a man so brilliant, so experienced, the captain of such a storied franchise….

But we’ll get to that later.

To the picks:

Round 1:

Best Pick: Actually, the round went pretty much according to plan, give or take. No one got any major steals, though I have seen Ronnie “Ricky Who?” Brown ranked as high as fifth, and often ahead of DuPont Jordan (depending on what rag you’re reading), so I think the Slayers certainly made the best of their situation.

Most Questionable Pick: Wild Thangs. A vaunted running back for many years behind Indy’s formidable offensive line and Peyton’s blistering, keep-defenses-honest aerial assault, Edge will certainly have his work cut out for him this season. ‘Zona’s been a running back graveyard the past few years, and, while the one-two punch of Larry “I’m More Irish then Shaquille O’Neal” Fitzgerald and Anquan “Yes, My Name Really Is Anquan” Boldin will likely keep defenses from stacking the box, the porous offensive line could cause the gold-toothed wonder some serious problems. Edge a number running back? Probably. But a number four pick? I doubt it.


Round 2:

Best Pick: Before a sudden onslaught of madness descended, Peter actually had something good going. Brian Westbrook fell much lower here than in most of the “expert” drafts saturating the internet. He’s a great complement to L.T., especially in a league that awards points per reception. So nice pick, Peter. That will be the last time I ever utter that last phrase, by the way.

Questionable Pick: Hasslebeck. Round 2? Why?

Kinda Crazy Pick: This actually overlaps with Round 1…the back-to-back selection by the Motha’ (Shut Your Mouth!) Tucka’s.

Hey…I’m just talking about the Tucka’s.

Anyway, I can understand the urge to grab a player of Portis’ caliber when he’s fallen so far due to concerns about his dislocated shoulder—and T.J. Duckett, for that matter. And if you’re gonna grab him, fine. Just make sure to back him up with a guy you know will be starting in week one…preferably a running back. Steve “Double Hammy” Smith ain’t that guy.


Round 3:

Best Pick: Sunnyvale Slayers, Antonio Gates. I’ve never been a fan of reaching for a tight end (unless the Sluts happen to be strolling by), but Commish already had some key pieces in place, and Gates is a nice addition to Chad Johnson. Plus, Scott knew he’d still be able to acquire a solid (though not particularly dynamic) running back three picks later.

Questionable Pick: The Reigning Champs choosing Reggie Wayne as their number one receiver. He may play like a number 1, but he’s still the second guy on the team and selecting him ahead of Chris Chambers, Hines “57” Ward; Darrel, Darrel, Darrel Jackson; and “Deep Roy” Williams seems ill-advised. By the way, does anyone get that “Deep Roy,” reference? I really hope so.

Virtual Insanity: The Feral Felines must’ve gotten bit by something rabid…Ben Rothlisberger as your number 1 QB? In the third round?? I know he’s won a Super Bowl, but there are more stalwart, battle-tested field Generals available, guys who are easily capable of putting up gaudier numbers. Even more insulting, Big Ben was rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy (the headline on ESPN said: ap-BEN-dectomy, but I didn’t find that particularly clever) and will be out for week one.

Let’s hope Peter managed to draft a capable backup.


Round 4:

In the interest of time and space, we’ll suspend the “Best” and “Questionable” talk for this round. Let’s just get right to the heart of the matter.

I’ll put this as bluntly as I can.

On September 3rd, 1970, Vince Lombardi died.

On September 3rd, 2006, Peter Schoewe spat on his grave.

Exactly thirty-six years to the day after the death of a member of football’s Pantheon, Peter executed a mind-numbingly baffling draft maneuver that can only be attributed to alcohol-induced dementia, several swift blows to the head with a rusty tire-iron, or the rapid inhalation of some sticky, hydroponically-engineered California Northern Lights.

With the 46th pick in the 2006 draft…the Arcadia Bobcats select…perennial backup Josh McCown.

Pause for effect...

--Did I mention Josh McCown plays for the Lions?

--Did I mention CBS Sportsline lists him as THIRD on the depth chart?

Third. Behind Dan Orlovsky…who I think used to be my plumber back when I lived in Milwaukee.

Some quarterbacks Peter could have taken at that point in the draft: Marc Bulger. Eli Manning. Donovan McNabb. Daunte Culpepper. Jake Delhomme. Drew Bledsoe. Trent Green. Kurt Warner. Drew Brees. Steve McNair. Mark Brunell. Jake Plummer.

And Dan Orlovsky.

I’ve been sitting here trying to think of the cinematic equivalent of Peter’s mistake. Off the top of my head, the best I can come up with is that scene in Rocky IV when Apollo Creed descends from the rafters for his exhibition bout against Ivan Drago. Apollo’s garishly dressed as Uncle Sam, struts a bit, and even winks at some of the back-up dancers. Hell, he even had a coked-up James Brown accompanying him. I watched that movie in the theater when I was eight or ten (something like that), and I was laughing and having a grand old time. “That Apollo,” I thought to myself. “he’s a cagey veteran, he doesn’t need to train. He’s got the skills, and the experience. This should be a cinch.”

Two rounds later, he’s lying face down on the canvas in a pool of his own blood while Sylvester Stallone drops a tattered towel, rushes to gather him into his arms, and tries to look distraught. Good stuff.

Incidentally, September 3rd was also the day the Treaty of Paris was signed in 1783, thus formally signifying England’s surrender and the end of the Revolutionary War.

Point is, Peter, we all need to prepare. We can’t just sit around all day being lazy, coasting along on our past accolades, then mail it in come crunch time. This is the Montana Mile League, Chief….there’s no easy way out. There’s no shortcut home.

On a side note, I’d love for Peter to do a complete 180 and transform into the reclusive, vengeance-riddled Rocky this season…the one who disappears to Siberia and trains by chopping down trees and hefting farm implements from the late 19th-century. Actually, that was the Soviet Union, so I guess the equipment was more likely from 1982. Regardless, that would be incredible. He could even grow the beard. He’d study spreadsheets and analyze data all season long, and somehow, through waiver-wire mastery and crafty trades, build an unrealistic, ramshackle team that has the heart of a champion…and finds a way to win it all.
Of course, there’d have to be the scene where he climbs to the summit of the Ordway building with a volume of data under his arm and bellows, “MCCOWN!!” at the top of his lungs while an overhead helicopter shot slowly fades to black. Now that would be cool.
I’d be willing to lose, just to see that happen. Honestly.


Round 5:

Best Pick: I liked the Beatles picking up Mason in this round. Mason’s always been solid, and even with a dinosaur like the current incarnation of Steve McNair tossing him the ball, he should still be a solid addition to the team, especially with a boom or bust 1st rounder like Randy Moss headlining the squad. Anyway, you can definitely do a lot worse than Mason as your 2nd WR in round 5…

…like Lavernaues Coles, for example.

Oh, wait. He’s the number 1. Whoops.

Questionable Pick: Well, I’m going to go ahead and nominate myself for this one. I’m a little torn, because I think Tony G is overrated, and his best days are most likely behind him (watch him catch 10 TDs now), so I was leaning towards that pick at first.

But then I decided it’s just too early in the day to get down on the Sluts…unless of course they’d like me to.

So instead I’m going with my pick of Daunte, who drastically regressed last year. The previous few years, he was an Inferno, scorching all fantasy QB’s in his path (save Manning). Last year, he was a Divine Comedy…and a downright disaster. You know, funny, but not “ha ha” funny. I rolled the dice, hoping he can return to his old form with the likes of Chambers, Brown, and McMichael at his disposal. I figured I’d lost out on the WR run, so I might as well look for an edge somewhere else. If he turns out to be a bust, then it’s time to get wacky on the trading block.

Insane in the Membrane: The previously mentioned Laverne and Shirley Coles. Peter had a rough couple rounds, but he still has L.T. and Westbrook. Why not go for a legit WR and sort out the QB situation later? Makes sense…there’s still plenty available. But why Coles? True, all the elites were gone, and it’s not like Galloway or Housh are high on anyone’s list. But take a chance on Stallworth now that he’s the guy in Philly, maybe. Something. Anything. Yeah, Coles had some ok years, but who’s throwing to the guy? Pennington? Stephen Hawking has stouter wrists than that guy. Geez.


Round 6:

Best Pick: As I mentioned, I like the Stallworth pick here, since he will be the main guy in Philly. But just as much as I couldn’t bring myself to come down on the Sluts earlier, I can’t suck up to them now. Later, ladies. Later.
Instead, I’m going to take back what I said in Round 2. I think Peter actually made a great pick here, selecting Frank “At Least I’m Not Kevan Barlow Bitch” Gore as his third RB. Gore’s got a lot of upside, college injuries notwithstanding, and having him along with L.T. and Westbrook completes the RB corps nicely.

Questionable Pick: Bears Defense. I know it’s the Beatles. And I know it’s the Bears. I’ve been in the league long enough to recognize these things. But still…it’s only the 6th round. Is that really necessary?

Insane in the Brain: As I said, unless I’m grasping for a languishing Slut reclining on a nearby featherbed, I’m not a big fan of going after tight ends. Especially so soon. I understand the new rules and all (or thought I did), but it seems like the general rush here (three in this round alone) when there were still quality players lefty at other positions was a bit excessive.


Round 7:

Best Pick: Though I’m a fan of my choice (Terry Glenn), it’s not like he went THAT much later than he should have. For the Slayers, however, grabbing Kurt Warner was a pretty solid move, and definitely filled a growing need at the position.

Questionable Pick: Manhandlers picking Deuce. I know, he’s been good in the past. But wouldn’t you want someone for your #2 RB who’s not likely to split carries with the heir-apparent to the rushing elite?

The Madness of King George: Jerry Porter? He’s been demanding a trade since throwback Art Shell moseyed into town. He’s not even playing in week 1. Hell, he might not play at all.


Round 8:

Best Pick: The Beatles. Their Chicago picks really came together, right now. Over me. Anyway, handcuffing Cedric Benson to 4th round pick Thomas Jones was a wise move.

Questionable Pick: Slayers. Lundy. Not terrible….but just because he’s starting, doesn’t mean he’s good. Besides, you probably could’ve gotten him a little later.

Stop the Insanity!: Rackers. Kicker. ‘Nuff said.


The Rankings:

This year, the standard unit of measurement will be altered slightly. Rather than “A,” “B,” or “C,” or, for that matter, the odd barometer I used last year, I’ve devised a different standard. In lieu of the criminal problems continuing to plague the NFL (particularly the Bengals…what’s going on there?), the current standard will be Consecutive Life Sentences. The maximum will be four…so instead of one, two, three, or four stars…each team will potentially receive one, two, three, or four consecutive life sentences. All clear? Good enough.

Arcadia Bobcats: QB: Big Ben and his missing appendix, Aaron Brooks, and the Great Josh McCown. RB: L.T., Westbrook, Gore, Turner. WR: J. Jurevicius (of course), Laverne Coles, Cedrick Wilson, Kevin Curtis, David Givens. TE: Cooley. K: Kasay. D: Pats, Ravens.

Well, I’ve already documented (ad nauseum) Peter’s blunders this year. For the sake of argument, let’s assume Aaron Brooks-Randy Moss picks up where Daunte-Randy left off a season and a half ago. That would give Peter a solid QB (I know…not going to happen, but still), two quality RB’s…and not much else. Sure, the kicker isn’t bad. Defenses look ok. I’m not sure about Cooley this year, though. Has anyone noticed how poor Washington’s been in the preseason? Peter’s gaping hole will be at WR…where he doesn’t have a clear-cut number 1. And maybe not even a 2.

Final Grade: 2 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Bay City Steamrollers: QB: Peyton, Vick. RB: Chris Brown, Julius Jones, Marion Barber, Willis McGahee. WR: Deep Roy Williams, Lee Evans, David Boston (why?), Eric Moldy Moulds, one of the Claytons. TE: Kellen “I think I’m a solider but I’m a moron” Winslow, Shockey. K: Elam. D: Dolphins, Jags.

I think McGahee could have a decent year, but I don’t know that I like him as a number 1 back. Having both Orange Julius Jones and Marion Jones Barber helps, though. Chris Brown I’m not too excited about. Obviously, the former champ is set at QB, picking up Vick as a nice bye-week backup to the always dependable Manning. I like the two tight ends, too. I don’t think Winslow will ever live up to his pre-accident hype, but Shockey is about as good as you can get at the position, if you don’t have Gates. Good D’s, too. Overall, a pretty solid team.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences.


Savages: QB: Daunte Alighieri Culpepper, Drew Gentle Brees. RB: Rudi, Willie, Dunn, Dominic Rhodes, Norwood. WR: Andre Johnson, Terry Glenn, Eddie Kennison, Matt Jones, Troy Williamson. TE: Vernon Davis, Ben Troupe. K: Jay Feely. D: Philly.

As I mentioned, I had to take a risk that Culpepper would bounce back this season. If he doesn’t I’m pretty much screwed, as I don’t see Gentle Brees carrying my squad for the long haul. I took a risk on WR, too, since I missed out on the run in order to cement my RB’s. I do like my middle-tier guys, I just hope I know who to start each week. Bottom line is, I’ve never been a lucky man, so I’m sure this strategy will blow up in my face.

Final Grade: 2 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Beatles: QB: Hasselbeck, Trent Green, Rex Grossman. RB: Shaun “screw Madden and his damn curse,” Alexander, Thomas Jones, Cedric Benson, Mike Anderson, T.J. Duckett. WR: Randy Moss, Derrick Mason, Branch, Bruce, Roddy White. TE: Desmond Clark. K: Gould. D: Bears.

With so much invested in their namesake, there’s no way the Beatles can ever win a championship. Still, they can contend. The RB’s are good, though there’s not a lot of depth in terms of starters. The WR’s are a little weak (though I do like Mason), especially if Randy repeats his disappointing season from a year ago. Des Clark isn’t much of a tight end, and I’ve never even heard of Robbie Gould (though I can guess who he plays for).

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences

By the way, Rex Grossman is useless to have on the roster, since he probably won’t even be starting very much longer.


Motha’ Tucka’s: QB: Bledsoe, Brunell. RB: Clinton “still trying to locate my shoulder” Portis, Tatum “part of the biggest back committee in football” Bell, Chester “why do people keep drafting me?” Taylor. WR: Steve Smith, Plexiglass, Lelie, Reggie Brown, Jerry Porter. TE: Heap, Miller. K: Vinateri, Janikowski. D: Chargers, Seahawks.

I see a couple of problems with this team. Clinton Portis may or may not start…and may have lingering effects from his injury. Tatum Bell may or may not be the main guy in Denver. Chester Taylor may or may not be a good back. And that’s it. That’s all the running backs available. Wide receiver looks ok (if Steve Smith also starts), as do tight ends. Why draft two kickers AND two defenses? Quarterbacks look somewhat shaky too.

Final Grade: 2 1/2 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Man Hands: QB: Bulger, Leftwich. RB: Larry Johnson, Deuce, Fragile Freddy, Toefield. WR: T.O., Marvin, Santana “Oye Como Va” Moss, Braylon Edwards, Keenan McCardell, Amani Toomah. TE: Zach Hilton, McMichael. K: Wilkins. D: Skins.

Hmm. At first glance, this is probably the best team around. That they don’t have a 2nd quality running back isn’t necessarily a cause for concern since there are plenty of WR’s to rotate throughout the season, and good ones at that. The QB’s look good, so do the TE’s and kicker. I’m not sure if I like the Skins D this season, but at this point, it really doesn’t matter.

So I’m going to go ahead and pick the Man Hands to go all the way this year. This prediction comes with a couple of caveats, though. First, I’ve never been a fan of using three WR’s and one RB, even if it is L.J. WR’s just aren’t as dependable, even if you’re talking big names. There’s really no other formation you can use, either, since Hilton isn’t good enough yet to be a 2nd TE. And the options at 2nd RB are scarce. Sure Deuce will get some carries, as will Fragile Freddy, maybe even quite a few early on. But down the stretch you can’t really depend on them.
Then there’s the T.O. factor. Look, the guy’s supremely talented. He’s also a supreme jackass. He’s caused dissention everywhere he’s been (San Fran, Philly)…and even some places he hasn’t (Baltimore). Something about pairing him with Bledsoe just bothers me. And toss Parcells into the mix? Seems like a recipe for a disaster…or a sitcom.

Basically, this team reminds me of the Death Star in Star Wars. They’re big, imposing, and seem to have a lot of firepower. On the other hand, all it takes is one plucky kid who used to bulls-eye womp rats in his T-16 back home, and they’re toast. In other words, this is the team to beat, but they’re one T.O. meltdown away from exploding and sending pieces scattering across the galaxy.

Final Grade: 3 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences (for now)


Surfers: QB: A battered and aging McNair, Donnovan McNabb. RB: Tiki, Ahman “how my stock has plummeted” Green, Brandon Jacobs, Kevan “Rat Bastard” Barlow. WR: Chambers, Holt, Driver, Bryant, Curry, Gabriel. TE: Witten. K: Reed. D: Broncos, Colts.

If I had to choose a runner up, it’d be the Surf Riders. In fact, it’s awfully close. In some ways, this team is more balanced, but lacks some of the explosive potential of the Man Hands. Tiki might not be L.J., but he’s pretty damn good. McNabb’s a bit of a question mark, as is McNair, but Philly could be good this year. Again, three WR would be best for this team, since Green is unlikely to produce. Still, there’s a lot to like all around.

Final Grade: 3 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Blackouts: QB: Rivers, Eli. RB: Steven Jackson, Reggie Bush, Stephen Davis, DeShaun Foster, Mike Bell. WR: Reggie Wayne, Javon Walker, Mark Bradley, Ernest Wilford, the other Clayton. TE: L.J. Smith, Bubba Franks. K: some guy named Michael Koenen. D: Chiefs.

Jackson’s predicted to have a breakout year, so could be in good shape at RB. Eli could produce some good numbers, too. I like Javon Walker to have a good year, and Reggie Wayne’s not too shabby, though he can be hit-or-miss. I’m not too high on the Chiefs D, though. Overall, a good squad but I don’t think there’ll be a repeat.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences.


Wild Thangs: QB: Tom Brady, Chris Simms, David Carr. RB: Jamal Lewis, Buckhalter, Lendell White, Edge. WR: Rod Smith, Peerless Price, Anquan Boldin, Randel El, Joey Galloway. TE: Ben Watson, Coutney Anderson. K: Rackers. D: Steelers.

Nice QB’s, but I’m not so sure about the RB’s. I think Edge is going to disappoint in Arizona, and I don’t like Jamal Lewis anymore. I like Anquan at WR, but think Rod Smith will be overshadowed by Javon Walker, and Galloway won’t duplicate his numbers from last year. Peerless Price just bothers me. Watson could be a great pickup at TE.

Final Grade: 2 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences (though at least 3 if Edge produces)


Sluts: QB: Carson Palmer, Jake Plummer. RB: LaMont DuPont Jordan, Kevin Jones, Laurence Macaroni Maroney, Sammy Gado. WR: Hines Ward, Drew Bennett, Nate Burleson, Brandon Lloyd, Donte Stallworth. TE: Tony G. Wiggs. K: Graham, D: Panthers, Vikings.

There’s a lot to admire about the Sluts: their balance, their form, their audacity. Once again, I think it will be an up and down season for them, one filled with sweat, exertion, exhilaration, excitement, and promise…but one that will ultimately leave them frustrated and disappointed. Having Palm-Her and Plum-Her on the Sluts is a decisive move which will leave their fans coming back for more, multiple times. I don’t like the backup RB situation, however, since Kevin Jones hasn’t produced, and seems to have peaked too soon. It’s also risky relying on Ward as your number 1 WR when he’s so injury prone.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Buffy’s: QB: Brett “Older Than Dirt” Favre, Kurt “Dirt” Warner, Matt “Laguna” Leinert. RB: Ronnie Brown, DeAngelo Williams, Reuben Droughns, Wali Lundy. WR: Chad Johnson, Housh, Joe Horn, Marcus Robinson, Greg Jennings. TE: Antonio Gates, Alex Smith. K: Lawrence Tynes. D: Bucs.

Looks like the Chimps won’t win after all…seeing as how they don’t exist. Shame, really. As far as the Buffy’s go, there’s the potential to put up some big points at WR, especially with Chad Johnson leading the way. RB’s are somewhat shaky after Ronnie Brown, although Droughns isn’t a terrible no.2, and Williams may well be the starter before too long. Having Gates is great, too…but QB concerns will plague this team over the course of the season.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Juggs: QB: Delhomme, Johnson, Kitna. RB: Caddy, Dillon, Morency, Addai, Henry. WR: Larry Fitzgerald, D.Jack, Keyshawn, Moose Muhammad. TE: Crumpler. K: Gostkowski. D: Giants, Falcons.

Matt seemed pretty low on his team, but I think they have promise. Delhomme is a vastly underrated quarterback and could easily have another great season. Caddy will do great as the number 1 RB, and Dillon isn’t an awful backup, though he’s not great, either. Addai might come into his own before too long, though. At WR, Fitzgerald is outstanding, and Darrel Jackson’s great as long as he’s healthy. Add a great TE, a promising kicker, and a formidable Giants D, and you’ve got yourself a good team.

Final Grade: 3 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences (just barely…if Jackson stays healthy…2 ½ out of 4 if he doesn’t)

Well, folks…there you have it. That’s it. I’ve wasted way too much time at work. It’s time to get my priorities straight. Now I have to check on my team in the other league.

By the way Peter, I’ve already filed the restraining order, so save your money and don’t bother buying the bullets.

Good luck all!