Weak 12: Wherefore Art Thou, Samkon?

Time passes so quickly, leaving little in its wake but memories of greatness and tears of sadness. Here we are, already past Week 12, and within the Montana Mile League, parity is beginning to fade like last summer’s wine. There are winners here we can pass our fingers over and play with like bright, shining baubles—and losers we can shun, cast into the corner and let whither and die. I will detail all below, in my recap of this week’s bruising divisional match-ups.

Ocean Beach Surf Riders defeat Bay City Steamrollers, 89 to 66

The defending league champions must regret their audacious draft ploy—hiking on a beautiful August day instead of spending four anxious and uncomfortable hours in front of a slowly reloading computer screen. The Steamroller coach should never have believed his own hype—namely that some mystical waiver-wire skills could redeem a team of second-raters. This week, such waiver-wire favorites such as Mike McMahon and Marion Barber added a grand total of five points to the Bay City bottom line, while, strangely, last week’s darling, Samkon Gado, was nowhere to be found, not even on the Steamrollers’ bench. Had the young Nigerian not been released by the fickle club mid-week, he could have added fifteen points to the ‘Rollers total—an agonizing footnote, I’m sure, but still not enough to overcome the Surfers, who were tent-polled by a resurgent McNair and the dependable Jaguars D. Bay City stays at the bottom of the Lombardi with a record of 3 and 9, while the Keanu Point Breakers continue at second place with a record of 5 and 7. Hoo-rah! Harrumph!

Joe’s Mother Tuckers defeat Chicago Long-Horned Beatles, 102 to 80

The two teams tied for second place in the Nagurski met up for one of this week’s more exciting games. Bill’s Beatles looked solid all around, but only got 12 points out of the vaunted Bears Defense, while the Mother Tuckers rode Rudi, Shaun, Plaxico and Jason past the century mark. (Egad, that’s a tough foursome for the valiant Bobcats to face in week 13!) When the dust fell, the Tuckers remained standing in second place, with a record of 7 and 5, while the Long-Horned Chad-and-Jeremy’s record fell to 6 and 6, dropping them to third place, now tied with the Manhandlers and their greedy and grasping hands. Booyah! Let’s get crunk!

Rolling Rock Wild Things defeat the Juggernauts, 88 to 57

My assumption was that the Wild Things were self-destructing as rapidly as Eagles, being such myrmidons to their professional idols. But lo and behold, here they are with a 7 and 5 record, tied with the high-flying Savages for second place in the competitive Butkus. They were helped by a dispirited Juggernauts crew (long gone are the days when league wags dubbed the Juggs “Team of the Future”) and by a resplendent, Thanksgiving-inspired performance by a tight end named Alge. Other than Carson Palmer, the Juggs were mostly miserable, and compounded their ineptitude by leaving their best performer, Andre Johnson, cooling his heels on the bench. Unsurprisingly, the Let-Me-Get-My-Hands-On-Your are reveling in last place in the But, with a record of 5 and 7. My goodness!

Emerald City Chimps defeat the Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages, 111 to 93

Pity young Kevin, who always tries so hard and always comes up short. This was the week, after all his fitful maneuvering and wild cursing at the cruelty of fate, that he was going to take his rightful place at top of the Montana Mile Football League. He could taste the glory, he was so close. After all, didn’t his brave Savages have the highest point total of any other team, soaring above 1,000, while most of us were stuck in the 800s? And didn’t he have a roster of great performers, eager to score, such as LaMont Jordan (24 points) and a now healthy Anquan Boldin (16 points)? Didn’t he, didn’t he ... the shattered hopes are for the historians now, as the sneaky Chimps fly into first place, based on solid performances all around, especially from Torry Holt, Todd Heap and even his kicker, who chipped in fourteen points. We’ll continue to watch the grappling at the top of the Butkus closely, those of us who love the gritty and tragic drama of fantasy football. Erm, yes!

SF Sluts defeat the Rolling Blackouts, 91 to 77

Reality is a woman who successfully balances career and family, I heard once. The Rolling Blackouts made that discovery this week, when they were finally no longer allowed to coast by with low point totals and easy match-ups—due to the strong performance of the Sluts, who showed up to play this week in full Crocker-Amazonian regalia. Shockey and Larry Johnson both scored in the twenties, while the Blackouts mustered only three points from Ernest Wilford, while letting Houshmandzadeh clamor on the bench with 147 yards in his quiver. Still, the Blackouts continue their unlikely reign at the top of the Lombardi, while the Sliced Breads improve slightly to 4 and 8, enough for third place in this also-ran division. Muktada!

Arcadia Bobcats defeat Mission Manhandlers, 90 to 77

I get a little lump in my throat every time I see Shmoo gazing at me from the Manhandlers’ logo. She was a good cat. But sentimentality can’t extend to the astroturf, and my brisk Bobcats quickly swept the Manhandlers off the field, in spite of some poor choices by your harried coach (such as Brees instead of Manning and Ronnie instead of Ricky). It helps, I guess, when you have a player who will gladly contribute almost half of your points. Still, I have to say that all signs point to me being a lock for league champion this year—witness my unshakeable hold on the top of the Nagurski. So for those of you who would like to write out your checks right now, the last name is spelled S-C-H-O-E-W-E. Gracias!