Week 1 - 2005 - Recap!

Summary

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (88) defeat Emerald City Chimps (64)
Rolling Blackouts (63) defeat Ingleside Instigators (38)
Bay City Steamrollers (83) defeat Ocean Beach Surf Riders (83) – (tie-breaker went to Sei because of higher bench totals)
Mission Manhandlers (92) defeat Arcadia Bobcats (45)
Chicago Long Horned Beatles (78) defeat Joe’s Mothertuckers (66)
Rolling Rock Wild Things (75) defeat the Juggernauts (67)

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (88) defeat Emerald City Chimps (64)

Ahh – the thrill of victory and the agony of my inevitable defeat. Every year I look forward to week one with baited breath, only to have the jaws of life snatched away from me by the performance of one team member (the Denver Broncos Defense). I guess I can take a little bit of solace in the fact that I played Kevin in a different league this week and I spanked him handily. Of course that was my bush league team, this is the real deal, and so I shake my head in shame and admit that defeat tastes the same whether it’s served hot or cold. I don’t care what Khan says, losing is no fun if it’s fantasy football or in an epic battle in outer space with James Tiberius Kirk. I don’t care if Mr. Rourke wants “smiles, everyone, smiles” – I am a bitter pill that feels smaller than Tattoo. I do not have a golden gun for which to kill myself, which then begs the question – who is the next James Bond going to be?

The Chimps left 95 points withering on their bench. The Cadillac was full of gas but it sat in the garage on Sunday. The little running back that could (Willie Parker) was relegated to splinter duty. And the most questionable decision of all netted the most needed points of all. A 28 point swing occurred when Chimpy Lee decided it was better to start the Denver Defense over Chucky’s Bucs. Woe is me – those 28 points would’ve come in handy, and I would be doing a happy dance despite leaving so many other points on the bench. Alas, my true idiocy rings through – dare I make the same mistakes twice?

Players of the game: “Carrie” Collins (21) and Steve Smith (21)
Chimps Coaching Rating: Really sucks, didn’t rule
Savage Coaching Rating: Kinda rules, didn’t suck

Rolling Blackouts (63) defeat Ingleside Instigators (38)
Well, I can’t be the only one accused of leaving points on the bench. The team formerly known as the Sluts left 80 points on their bench. A few quick roster changes and this could’ve been a different game altogether: Big Ben (+18), Larry “Grandma” Johnson (+21), Antwone Randle-El Train (+7) would have left a final tally of 84-63. But coulda, woulda, shoulda – Melissa went with her best players and the cruel hand of fate dealt a rather unceremonious hand. What is great to note is that both starting QB’s stunk up the joint – Daunte “Inferno” Culpepper netted -4 and Brett “Throw Off My Back Foot” Favre had -1. I guess it doesn’t help that Javon Walker is out for the season with a torn ACL, but we’ll get to that later when we talk about Joe Moto. None of Melissa’s starters scored in double digits. Now why couldn’t I have been matched up with her in week one? Hell, I would have settled with playing Ron too!

Player of the game: Buffalo Bills DST (26) – only allowed 120 total yards – now that is some defense. They are going to need it with JP Losman running that offense. Funny to note that Ron’s 2^nd highest scorer was his other defense – Atlanta (19).
Blackouts Coaching Rating: Mostly Rules, didn’t suck
The team formerly known as the Sluts Coaching Rating: Mostly sucks, didn’t rule

Bay City Steamrollers (83) defeat Ocean Beach Surf Riders (83) – (tie-breaker went to Sei because of higher bench totals)

So now we get the see some of the new rules in effect. Instigated this year was the policy that there would be no more tie games. The tie-breaker belongs to the team with the better bench scoring. Sei wins 51-46. How does he do it? It wasn’t from Derrick Blaylock (0) and Travis Henry (-1). Of all players, Courtney “Cox” Anderson chipped in 15 from the bench. Call them the 9^th player. Glen’s bench squad was resilient, but zero points from both A-Train and Dallas “Texas” Clark did not help matters. Too bad Glen left the Jags defense riding in the middle seat, those 16 points would’ve come in handy given that his starting Philly “Minus Trotter” defense only netted 9. Such a prescient coaching maneuver would have resulted in a 7 point victory. Could this be a case of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory? Hell, I probably would’ve started the Philly defense too. But at very least Glen can take some solace in the fact that Mike Anderson bruised his ribs and now Tatum Bell actually got some carries – too bad the Broncos suck! But why did Glen start 4^th option WR Kevin Curtis (9) over 1^st option WR Brandon Lloyd (11)? That 2 point spread is exactly how defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory.

Player of the game: Jimmy “I play a mean organ” Smith (26) – the old man grabbed 2 TD’s and 130 receiving yards, not bad for someone older than the actual game of football itself.
Steamrollers Coaching Rating: Kinda rules, kinda sucks
Surf Riders Coaching Rating: Kinda sucks, didn’t rule

Mission Manhandlers (92) defeat Arcadia Bobcats (45)

Pete of the trash taking Bobcats took one up the bum from the perennial favorite Manhandlers. His team was lubed up and ready to go on their way to multiple ass-to-mouth suckage and a double anal scoring penetration. To further exemplify the utter hopelessness of his squad, the Bobcats bench only chipped in 33 points, so his ENTIRE TEAM (78) got pegged by Kanako’s starting eight. I can already see the Santorum oozing from the cornhole of Pete’s mighty ass cheeks. I think that about sums it up nicely!

Player of the game: Randy “I belong to Kanako” Moss (19) – not a bad debut, especially that 72 yard touchdown reception.
Manhandlers Coaching Rating: Mostly rules, didn’t suck
Bobcats Coaching Rating: Kinda Rules, kinda sucks (the only reason it kinda rules is the fact that Pete pretty much did what he could with the porn stash in his closet – it kinda sucks because his tools are too small)

Chicago Long Horned Beatles (78) defeat Joe’s Mothertuckers (66)

Bill won despite having drafted 6 quarterbacks and also despite leaving Larry “I Am a Must Start In All Fantasy Formats” Fitzgerald on the bench with 30 points. Joe had the severe misfortune of seeing his primary WR go down with a torn ACL – Javon Walker is done for the year. Misery loves company. It really didn’t help that he left Keenan “Ivory Wayans” McCardell withering on the bench with 27 points. That is the difference in the game, but then again, the lack of Fitzgerald offsets the lack of McCardell. Penalties offset, repeat 1^st down! What is a really staggering stat is Joe’s overall bench scoring – 105 points! I guess I have no right to complain about the Chimps 95 bench points. I am, however, scratching my head in disbelief at the fact that Joe started the Jets defense (0) against Kansas City. I guess he thought this would be a better idea than starting Miami against Denver. Too bad he was wrong. The Miami defense had 23 points and that would’ve locked in the W for Joe. Oops, am I rubbing it in? Unsportsmanlike conduct – 15 yard penalty on the Commish!

Player of the Game: Keyshawn “Damn Ball” Johnson (19) – an auspicious return with Big Tuna resulted in 2 scores and 5 catches for 65 yards. I still can’t believe Bill started Keyshawn instead of Fitzgerald. It ‘boggles my scrotum’ (bonus points for any readers who recognize this reference and source it).
Beatles Coaching Rating: Somewhat rules, somewhat sucks
Joe Moto Coaching Rating: Kinda sucks, doesn’t rule

Rolling Rock Wild Things (75) defeat the Juggernauts (67)

I really wanted to start this recap by saying “The Juggernauts went Juggernuts!” Alas, Matt’s hubris was his undoing. His squad lost to the defending runner-up 45’s. To add insult to injury, Matt’s bench of mostly Minnesota Vikings WR’s only tallied 17 points. My advice to all of my readers is that you should pay attention to your bench, because if you just include all the players from your favorite team, it’s unlikely that you’ll win any tie-breakers. Matt also started Antonio Gates this week. In any other week except a bye week would this have been a good decision, but Gates didn’t even play because he was suspended by the team about 4 weeks ago for showing up to camp late. Oh Matt, how difficult would it have been to pick up a starting tight end for just at least one week? You could’ve taken Chris Baker from the Jets, and that would’ve given you victory. Instead you opted to keep such dreck as T. Williamson on your bench. Dog, I further feel your pain given the Mike Anderson situation – for your sake I hope that Lee Suggs heals quickly before you have some bye week problems. Mr. Fred’s squad managed to win despite 3 points from Trent “Money” Green”. The irony being that his other two QB’s – the fragile Tim “Ratty” Rattay (12) and JP “I’m” Losman (10) both outscored the spokesman for Chunky Soup!

Player of the Game: Brian Westbrook (17) and the Steel Curtain D (17)
Wild Things Coaching Rating: Kinda rules, didn’t suck
Juggernauts Coaching Rating: didn’t rule, didn’t suck

That’s it for week 1. I have work to do now that I have ignore and so I have to get cracking!

Week 2 Match-ups:

Bay City Steamrollers at Ingleside Instigators
Ocean Beach Surf Riders at Rolling Blackouts
Joe's Mother Tuckers at Arcadia Bobcats
Chicago Long-Horned Beatles at Mission Manhandlers
Emerald City Chimps at The Juggernauts
Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages at Rolling Rock Wild Things

(Matt and Pete: I hope your parents don't read this blog!)