Week 3 - 2005 - Recap!

Rolling Blackouts 64 at Bay City Steamrollers 63
Ingleside Instigators 69 at Ocean Beach Surf Riders 94
Mission Manhandlers 78 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 133
Arcadia Bobcats 84 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 59
Rolling Rock Wild Things 81 at Emerald City Chimps 106
The Juggernauts 113 at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 77

Another week is in the books! The competition was fierce - like an old man returning soup at a deli (name the reference) – but in the end the best teams triumphed. Have I ever mentioned that I love women’s boobs?

Rolling Blackouts 64 at Bay City Steamrollers 63
Misery and agony knocked on Sei’s door on Monday night. His vaunted Ravens Defense was on a bye week this week, so Sei did his best to put in a replacement defense for week 3. Little did he know that the very defense he selected would be his ultimate demise. I seem to remember a time last year when Sei was tempted just to start a defense that was on a bye week because he didn’t want to deal with potential negative points. It was either that or not starting a defense at all. Actually, I think he didn’t want to start a defense at all, but that was not allowed under league rules. Anyway, the KC defense got shredded by a rejuvenated Broncos running game. Net result was -9 points and the Steamrollers first defeat of the season. So far Sei has been embroiled in 2 close matches out of three, and he could easily be 1-2 or 1-1-1 if not for a tie-breaker that went to his advantage in the inaugural game. This match-up against Ron’s crew was a low scoring affair – and it seems that any team that plays Ron is in for a low scoring game. He ranks low in the power rankings because of his offensive output, but that doesn’t matter when you’re 2-1 and atop your division. Player of the game honors goes to Daunte’s Paradiso Culpepper who finally managed a good game with 27 points (3 passing TD’s and 300 yards).

Ingleside Instigators 69 at Ocean Beach Surf Riders 94
Futility and absence barged into TTFKATS (the team formerly known as the sluts) hizzie on Sunday. Depleted with the loss of Dominick “Safeway” Davis and Jamal Malcom Warner Lewis due to a bye week, TTFKATS was left with no other option but to start both Larry Johnson and Donald Driver. Now on paper those are wise choices, but wise choice or not, the Fantasty Gods were cruel in their punishment and doled out the hurt accordingly. Johnson had a terrible game with -2 and Driver got banged up on his way to 3 points. The Surf Riders, meanwhile, rode the waves of Hines Ward (23 points) and the revamped Jaguars Defense (19 points) as he almost eclipsed the century mark in points. Glen’s bench scored 69 points, that would have been enough to tie TTFKATS starting 8. Amazing that her bench had 4 players on a bye – I guess, however, that she’ll be set up nicely for the rest of the season at running back. Maybe it’s time to bench LJ and go with her 1-2 Davis/Lewis running back tandem for the rest of the season. TTFKATS needs to get off the snide, they are the lone remaining winless team in the fair Montana Mile League.

Mission Manhandlers 78 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 133
Deceit and mediocrity broke the windows of the Manhandlers humble abode. Kanako’s team wasn’t “bad” but they weren’t exactly good either. Only 3 players in double figures – and while her 78 point output would’ve been good enough to beat 5 other teams this week, they weren’t enough to stave off the relentless attack of Joe Moto. His squad dominated every facet of this game – 133 total points! I guess he wasn’t hurt too bad by the season ending injury to Javon “When I’m 80 I’m going to need a” Walker. His bench even chipped in 69 points, so his entire 16 players had over 200 total points! Player of the game was definitely Shaun “Don’t Call Me Jason” Alexander (36 points on 4 rushing touchdowns – Serenity Now!). There was NOTHING Kanako could have done this week, her entire 16 players still would’ve lost to Joe’s starting 8 (133-123).

Arcadia Bobcats 84 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 59
The fickle finger of fate snuck into the Beatle household on Sunday Night. Tomlie went ape shit with 47 points on 192 yards rushing, 3 rushing touchdowns and 1 passing touchdown! Chants of “Kill Me Now” could be heard from the Beatle residence on Sunday evening. Tomlie just shredded the overmatched Giants D. The Beatles were hurt by Joe Horn (1) and the Bears Defense (5). These were the right choices at the time of the game (well, I am still not sold on the Bears Defense – I will once they actually have an offense half as good as their Defense, but when their defense has to play 75% of the game, they aren’t going to be as “good” as they appear), but had he went with the Indy D (against a bad Cleveland Browns) and Keyshawn “I have a 12 inch” Johnson, the result of this game would’ve been different. Then again, Pete did leave Eli Manning (22) and Ronnie Brown (20) sitting on the bench, so all is fair is love and fantasy football. I was kind of thinking that Pete might break the Chimps record of 8 consecutive losses, but this wasn’t meant to be. Bobcats scratch one out for the gipper. Tomlie is a stud.

Rolling Rock Wild Things 81 at Emerald City Chimps 106
Revenge was a dish delivered to the front door of the Esteemed Mr. Fred. The last time the Chimps defeated the 45’s was back in December of ’03. That was the same year where they lost to the now defunct Korea 49er’s (59-51) [and also the same year where Dave Koepp said that I had a big ass]! Last year the Wild Things trounced on the Chimps in both divisional match-ups, this game would be different. Yes, I started Kurt Warner. Yes, he got hurt and only produced 3 points. Yes, Mike Vick had a good game (15). But all of that did not matter. In the waivers process I was trying to acquire Reggie Williams, Steve Heiden, or Jerramy Stevens. I didn’t get any of those players. Instead I had to settle on Eron Kinney and David Givens. The result was pure magic – 25 points from players I had to use because of bye week absences. Could this be the year where the Chimps are actually a force to be reckoned with? Is it any coincidence that the margin of victory was 25 points? Player of the game goes to Tory “If I married Tori Spelling she would then be Tori” Holt. 26 points delivers the bananas to the Chimps cage and we have all the potassium we need.

The Juggernauts 113 at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 77
Grudges and trash talking blew the doors off the Savage home. After all the trash talking was done, Matt’s Juggs were just too big and bouncy as they suffocated a withering Savage effort. The debate over the QB selections of Palmer vs. Collins went unresolved. Both players did well and both are fantasy studs so far this year (with Palmer actually taking top billing over Collins – and yes, the Chimps do regret not selecting Palmer and instead of opting for perennial fantasy crap shoot Mike Vick). The difference in this game was balance. Matt’s Juggs had 6 players sporting C cups while the Savages were stuck with 6 B cups. The milk was flowing both in the direction of the aforementioned Palmer and Julius “Indiana” Jones. They had 19 cups each. They burped away the competition. Ok, so that’s a really bad joke, but hey man, at least I’m writing a recap. Now the MOST inexplicable decision of the week did come from the Savages. Kevin left Steve Smith on the bench. Steve Smith only scored 39 points, and had he not started Easy Ike Bruce (1 point), the final score of this match would’ve been 115-113 Savages. I shall quote the fantasy analysis of the wise sportsline writers: “Smith is a must-start every week, but he should dominate vs. Green Bay in Week 4.” Isaac Bruce? Anquan Boldin? Sure, they are good receivers, but neither are #1’s for their respective teams. I do have to challenge the logic of the Savage playcalling.

Best of luck in week 4! There are no undefeated teams and it’s only 3 games into the season. We might have parity at last! Now if only TTFKATS would man-up.