Week 2 Recap: O, Woe

This morning, I braved the bracing wind and high waves of Lake of the Woods, fishing rod in hand. I caught one walleye, which gave me a sense of success and fulfillment that’s been sadly lacking in my Fantasy Football efforts this year. I am not the only one struggling. Kevin predicted the Juggernauts would dominate the MMFL this year, and yet they have now fallen to 0-2. The Mission Manhandlers, after gingerly whupping the Bobcats last week, could barely muster a team onto the field for week two. And the quondam Sluts, needless to say, have continued their miserable slide. With their match against the Steamrollers, we’ll begin.

Bay City Steamrollers 90, Ingleside Instigators 69:

Two Packers gave the erstwhile Sluts about the only points they received, while a questionable coaching decision left Domanick Davis, who scored more points than starters Larry Johnson and Jamal Lewis combined, cooling his heels on the bench. Sei, meanwhile, got a yeoman’s performance out of Donovan McNabb and respectable numbers from Darrell Jackson and Randy McMichael. Verdict: Steamrollers somewhat steam, the Team Formerly Known as “I’ll Hate Myself in the Morning” mostly suck.

Joe’s Mother Tuckers 72, Arcadia Bobcats 65:

This one has even the most grizzled veterans scratching their heads. How could such a bright, promising team—the team that many thought held the future of the MMFL—stumble so badly in its first two games out of the gate? It’s not as if the brave young Bobcats aren’t trying. Look at the 21 points Chad Johnson gamely added to the scoreboard, or the 20 points that the Giants defense refused to let go from their muddy and grass-stained hands. Braylon Edwards, sitting on the bench, raised his hand brightly and boldly, his 16 points emphatically saying “Put me in coach!” And yet they suffer a loss by a fingerful of points to the anemic Mother Tuckers. Perhaps Shaun Alexander needed to prove he should have been picked first in the draft rather than Tomlinson. The verdict: Mother Tuckers mostly lucky, the Bobcats still hoping and ready to win!

Rolling Rock Wild Things 84, Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 70:

The Wild Things dodged a bullet this week—it’s not often you can start a running back who gets you negative two points and still be trading high fives at the end of the fourth quarter. I had heard that the Wild Things are now located in upstate New York, but it’s still all Eagles all the time for this plucky band of sporting gentlemen. The bulk of their points came from the tandem of Westbrook and Owens. The Earth-loving Stewards of Nature, however, pulled up single digit scores from both of their wide receivers, one of their running backs and their tight end. Next week, Kevin might want to take a look at his bench—there’s a lot of talent hidden in the weeds of those eighty-three points. The verdict: Wild Things mostly precise, First People mostly un-pc.

Emerald City Chimps 97, Juggernauts 48:
In years to come, around dusky campfires, the story of this game will be told in shades of black instead of the white, the whispered words will focus on the yin instead of the yang, and tell of the power of the Sith rather than the Jedi. What I’m trying to say is that Matt got a whopping minus eighteen points from his stealth draft pick, the Vikes D. As someone who lost points regularly from the Vikings defense last year, I can only say my schadenfreude is intense. This dubious achievement completely masked the Herculean efforts of whiz-kid QB Carson Palmer and the resurgent Laverneandshirley Coles. The Monkeys of the Northwest, on the other hand, had an across-the-board solid crew, the standouts being the Tampa D (22 points), WR Derrick Mason (16 points) and RB W. Parker (16 points—if my internet connection weren’t so slow, I’d look up who “W. Parker” is). The verdict: The Chimps mostly laudatory, the Juggernauts mostly lamentable.

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 126, Mission Manhandlers 57:

Wow. For a team mostly drafted over the phone, the Beatles brung it big time. Thomas Jones, of all people, contributes 25 points, while L.J. Smith offers up a surprising 21 ticks. Bill’s faith in the Bears finally pays off with a big 36 points from their defense, making up for a miserable single point from first pick Peyton Manning. The Mission Manhandlers have Randy Moss and that’s about it. That puts them in a better position than the Vikings, but not enough to avoid the second lowest point total of the week. The Verdict: Beatles mostly strum, Manhandlers cower in impotent rage.

Ocean Beach Surfriders 92, Rolling Blackouts 49:

I forgot to print out this page of results, and the internet connection here at my parent’s is quite slow. But it looks like Glen did quite well, while Ron is really struggling. I’ll let you fill in the rest, because it’s time for me to get back to my vacation—and explore the wilderness area just to the south of Roosevelt, MN.

Good luck to everybody in WEEK THREE.