Week Seven Recap By Kevin

SF Sluts 101
Mission Manhandlers 76


Sometimes it’s easy bein’ easy…

In the true spirit of the Halloween season, the perennial pleasure toy of the MML turned a few tricks one week early, and treated spectators to the second highest point total of the week. Brett “I don’t need no stinkin’ receivers” Favre continued to shine on a tragically depleted Green Bay team. Donald Driver, who appears to be the only other Packer on offense not suffering from torn meniscus of some form, chipped in for 20. Domanick “I don’t need no stinkin’ offensive line” Davis is the lone star on the Lone Star State’s ugliest team since the 1-15 Cowboys.

And for the Manhandlers? Randy Moss wasn’t supposed to start…but did start…but sucked. Well, 10 points isn’t horrible, but Randy hasn’t been Randy this season. Steven Jackson (18 points) continues to shoulder the workload now that they don’t have a quarterback who can throw, and Tony G woke from his long-overdue slumber, but failed to record a TD reception.

Nice performance by the Sluts, but something tells me they’ll be taking it lying down soon enough.


Rolling Blackouts 83 (34)
Rolling Rock Wild Things 83 (26)

It has gotta suck losing the tiebreaker games. But can we examine the Rolling Blackouts for just one moment, please? They won their first matchup with only 63 points, they beat the Steamrollers by 1 in week three, they score only 53 last week (more than enough to handle the Manhandlers)…and now they win a tie.

If I had their luck, I’d be in Vegas every day, every hour, for the rest of my life.

I, on the other hand, score over 100 points and still lose. Oh wait, this is week seven, and that hasn’t happened yet…

399 points they’ve scored this season. That’s it. Yet they’re still 4-3.

To be honest, I don’t even want to recap this game. Now I’m too pissed off.

It is interesting to note that during one of Culpepper’s few bright games (20) he was relegated to the bench (not that he’s been a model of consistency), and for awhile I thought that would cost the team dearly. Clinton “now this is why you drafted me” Portis finally found his stride (29 points), and helped carry the team, despite a dismal performance from the slumping Bills Defense (-6).


On the flip side, the Wild Things received solid contributions from Brian Westbrook (14), T.O. (15), Donte’ “I’m as inconsistent as they come” Stallworth (10), and Heath “diamond in the rough” Miller (14). But Trent Green continues to underachieve, and the Wild Things really don’t have much firepower at the RB position. With no one to speak of on the bench, the Wild Things suffered a cruel fate.

Ironically, it was Culpepper who saved the day, his 20 bench points rolling the blackouts past the wild things. Ouch.


Juggs 71
Cats 64

Ah, my favorite game of the week. Though recitation of Merle Haggard lyrics and a keen eye for plaid shirts are the regular barometers of manhood within the Schoewe household, the true testament of fraternal superiority lies in the dust and blood coating the air every Sunday afternoon…that sibling clash on the battlefield, that brutal grappling between two soon-to-be-pedestrian teams.

This was a roller-coaster of a contest, with some highly unpredictable results. Fantasy Football All Star and Jack of All Trades, Ladanian Tomlinson, did, well, jack (7 rushing yards? huh?)…and the Giants’ defense dealt a devastating blow to the frail Kittens. Yet Matt “I picked up Peerless Price because I’m desperate” Schoewe still can’t find a wide receiver, and Troy “worthless” Williamson’s solitary point caused the Juggs to sag even lower.

And a touchdown pass from the younger, greedier Manning within the final minute against the Broncos caused the Cats to surge even farther ahead. The dramatic move set the stage for a Monday night showdown, with the Juggs’ only hopes of rising resting on Mr. Laveranues “please don’t call me Shirley” Coles.

The game seemed to stretch on for an eternity, not because of the gripping, surging drama unfolding before us, but because it was actually a pretty bad game. There were times I thought Matt would somehow find a way to lose (and the Cats likely yowled with glee at the sight of Vinny “I’m older than dirt” Testaverde rolling his wheelchair across the goal-line instead of passing to his number 1 WR). Yet, though the Juggs were drooping, limp and flabby, they managed to milk enough points from Mr. Coles to spay the feral felines. Bob Barker, who watched from the sidelines, nodded his approval.

Matt, on a side note, Carson Palmer looked very Kerry Collins-esque. I know we debated QB’s early on. And yes, I’ll admit Carson’s easily the better producer this season…then again, he’s playing on your team, so he’d better be.


Savages 105
SurfRiders 75

As any surfer knows, you should never don your wetsuit without making sure your bulge is accounted for. Unfortunately for the SurfRiders, Bulger’s injury meant one turgid goose-egg on their stat sheet. But being Bulger-less was the least of their problems. To make matters worse, their only other quarterback, Steve “sucking air” McNair, was also out, leaving them with no option, as they couldn’t add and drop before game time. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it would’ve mattered, although a good QB performance would certainly have made me tear my hair out…thankfully, that didn’t happen until week 8.

Ferguson’s injuries affected the final tally, too. Every year, some teams just get beat down with injuries…that’s the way it goes. Hell, in another league, I’ve got Bulger, Julius Jones, Ferguson, T.J. Housh, AND Javon Walker…you can imagine how sweet that team is. Ask Matt, he knows. Just don’t ask him about his team, because you’ll never hear the end of it.

On my side, I’m loving the Jordan/Edge combo…we’ll see how far that can carry me. Quite the unbalanced wagon for my tomahawk wavers… 0 points from Boldin, not much from Glenn, Kerry looking rather ho-hum…yet that dynamic duo and a good D helped vault me over the century mark. This marked the third week in a row I put up over 100 points. As long as I keep doing that, I’m sure I can’t lose…because someone who scores over a hundred never, ever loses.

Right?


Beatles 87
Steamrollers 70

Peyton Manning’s slow descent into mediocrity wasn’t enough to slow the Beatles, their meat-and-potatoes Bears D (17), and Thomas Jones (12). Across the field, the Donny “Chunky Soup” McNabb (9), Curtis Martin (11), and M. Harrison trio (15) just ain’t what it used to be.

Looking at the bench, nothing really could’ve been done. At 3-4, there’s still a lot of football to be played, and Sei’s a master of the waiver-wire…but McNabb’s nagging injuries, Curtis Martin’s more age-appropriate performance, and Manning’s sudden urge to not set any more records (thus Harrison’s drooping stats), don’t look to dissipate any time soon. Darrel Jackson’s injury, however, is the true blow to this franchise, as his weekly dependability somehow can’t be replicated by usual studs like Harrison and J. Smith (who was on a bye this week). Unless the team on the field starts resembling the team on paper very soon, I’m thinking things are starting to look grim for the defending champs.

Chimps 84
Motha’ Tuckas’ 64

Chimpy “there is no pain in this dojo” Lee (you refused to quote Cobra Kai, so I did it for you) continued his impressive hot streak with formidable totals from Mark Brunell (22) and Santana Moss (17), a nice file-in role (I say “fill-in” because I’m SURE he’ll start Fred Taylor in week 8…there just isn’t any doubt in my mind) from Fast Willie Parker (17)…and a steaming pile of crap from everyone else.

The Tuckas’ experienced the second-biggest anomaly this week in the sub-par performance of Shaun Alexander (behind L.T.’s mysteriously disappointing outing). Rudi Johnson (5 points) has been a pretty big disappointment this season too, as he’s only reached double-digits twice. Plexiglass Burress had a decent game (15), and though he’s come down to Earth after a truly inspired week 4, he remains a dependable number 1.

Not much happening on the bench either, and CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME why Javon Walker is still riding pine for this team? Drop him, add someone…hit the waiver-wire…what is he, like a good luck charm or something? I just don’t get it.

Regardless, Chimps looked good yet again, Tuckas’ are kind of a feast-or-famine team. But we’ll see what happens if Brunell has a bad outing (ok, I know how week 8 went, but I was planning on writing that anyway).

Anyway, that’s week 7. One week late, but not as tardy as week 6. Good luck to all in week 9…except to the Rolling Blackouts (who I play, and who don’t seem to need any more luck on their side), and The Juggernauts (who I just don’t like).