WEEK THREE RECAP

by Matt “Lombardi” Schoewe

With the Bobcats on a roll, the Thirsty Savages licking their own wounds in hopes of finding the smallest relief for their cracked, dry lips, and the rest of the league engaged in a struggle to find an identity, a way to compete…

Week 3 dawned. Too early for some, not early enough for others.

And so it was that the days of summer were long forgotten, unorthodox draft strategies were hailed as brilliance, and the sound and fury of another Montana Mile League season fully under way made itself known.

Thus it is that we examine the perennial Week Three Question: are there any discernible trends that might at least give a tantalizing clue as to how the story of the rest of the season will unfold? We begin with a look at the enigmatic Bobcats and their match with whatever fodder it was that landed in the way this time.

Wild Things (76) at Bobcats (103)

Sunday Morning dawned cold and gray in the Bobcats’ den. A bitter, sideways drizzle cut through the opposition like…

Oh wait…

Crackpot Highlands is somewhere out in sunny California, no?

And so, I imagine the day dawned perfectly nice, as usual: temperate, sunny, bright, not too warm, not too cool, not too anything—especially not good football weather. Not the type of day when men of iron take to the field, knowing nothing of that worldly concept others know as pain, playing only for team and honor.

Nonetheless, in Crackpot Dome, the 'Cats’ anthem—These ‘Cats Were Made For Stoplin’ (And Some Day They’re Gonna Stople All Over You)—could be heard rising from the lungs of its unequalled cheering section: Josh “They Ain’t Laughin’ Now” McCown and Ben “Big But Not So Bad” Roethlisberger. And? Yes indeed, that was LT, Tomli, The Man, Mr. Fantasy Football—riding the pine. True dat: unfortunately for the ‘Cats, Week Three found LT taking some time off. Would this spell ruin, defeat, ignominy for the surging ‘Cats?

We know the answer now, as the ‘Cats have tried to tell us before (at least those of us who are IOP faithful readers): it’s a team sport, and the ‘Cats ain’t nothin’, if they ain’t a team.

Thus spake Bobcat Coach “I May Tour With Willie Now And Again But I’m No Crackpot” Schoewe.

And so it began. With LT on the bench and an apparent opening for a new foe, Brian Westbrook reached down, said fine, my turn, and merely doubled his weekly output to lead the ‘Cats with 34 points. Frank Gore thanked him kindly and said, here’s a couple points to show some team spirit. Laveranues “Just Keep Laughing” Coles tossed in another respectable week’s worth of points. The Ravens D and John Kasay said, so like, who needs a TE anyway? And then, feeling the spirit, Alex Smith stepped up and offered to play QB.

The rest, as they say, was merely another chalk mark in the “W” column for the ‘Cats.

Oh, and the opponent? Well, the Wild Things weren’t the lowest scoring team this week, but they weren’t rolling either. Tom “I’m Not Sure I Feel Like Playing Yet This Year” Brady, Edgerrin “Hey, You Knew I Was Traded To The Cardinals” James, Anquan “Hey, I Thought I Was The Man” Boldin and the Steelers D put up respectable numbers. But when you’re facing the ‘Cats, respectable doesn’t get the job done. Someone needs to step up—say, like Brian Westbrook, for example—and it didn’t happen for the Wild Things.

Week Three trend: the ‘Cats are rollin’ and the Wild Things ain’t.

Thirsty Savages (58) at Horny Beatles (89)

Another hard day’s night before Sunday’s outing found a Savage Coach in the locker room with QB Daunte “I Vaguely Remember Being A Football Player” Culpepper, sharing a tender moment, wringing hands, praying to various gods, meditating awhile, harmonizing on “It’s All Right To Cry,” and Coach Fitz eventually looking Daunte in the eye and saying: So, like, WTF? In a barely audible sigh, Daunte could be heard to reply, I dunno man, I dunno.

With that, Coach Fitz made his decision. The hero of years past would only see action from the bench.

In his place, Drew “They Call Me A Saint” Brees tried to help but came up short. Rudi “I Can’t Do This Alone” Johnson gave up and eked out a few useless points. Warrick “Thanks For The Faith But I Can’t Get It” Dunn said, F---, if Rudi ain’t playing, I don’t see why I have to. Shortly thereafter, most of the rest of the ill-fated Savages scurried off the field in search of something to drink. The lone bright spot was Andre “By The Time Y’All Get To Houston This Game’ll Be Over” Johnson putting up a valiant 22 point effort.

Meanwhile, Willie “I Coulda Made You A Contender” Parker was screaming from the bench, put me in, Coach! But alas, there was really nothing to be done for the demoralized Savages in the face of a resurgent Beatles team.

Unlike their opponent, the Beatles left it all out on the field and came away with the victory.

Week Three trend: The Savages are thirsty for inspiration. Will the Parker—Larry “I Know I Ain’t The Coach” Fitzgerald trade provide the impetus for a turnaround? That remains to be seen. And the Beatles? Certainly an improvement over the first two weeks, but further evidence is needed to see whether they have enough to contend even when they leave it out all out on the field like true men of Black and Blue.

Surfer Dudes (87) at Manhandlers (62)

Sitting atop the Rice Cake division, the Surfer Dudes found enough of the right stuff to put a handling on a once proud Manhandlers team. With a new Moss on board, the Manhandlers still couldn’t get it rolling down hill. Instead, they were rolled over. While heaven knows, this writer would struggle against the fates and search far and wide to be able to say something positive about this year’s Manhandlers, the truth is, a glance at the starting lineup, and a long look down the bench reveals—only the depths of the abyss. I’m afraid Fragile Freddy, Deuce “C’Mon I Can Still Play!” McAllister, and Randy “I Wish Somebody Could Throw To Me” McMichael just aren’t going to get it done.

The Surfer Dudes, on the other hand, while not a stunning success like the ‘Cats, certainly have some terra firma to work with. Ahman “I’m Not Finished Yet” Green and Doug “I Told You I Was A Secret Weapon” Gabriel could have made this an even more impressive victory. But as it was, the Surfer Dudes did what they had to and got it done. ‘Nough said.

Week Three Tend: The Surfer Dudes look solid. Keep an eye on ‘em. The Manhandlers…well, they appear to be on pace to race the Slayers nee Chimps to the bottom.

Chimp Slayers (36) at Tuckers (79)

No competition here, as the score indicates. Chimps—I mean, Slayers—just pure blown so far out of the water they were as thirsty as your average Savage. Was there anything that could’ve been done? Well, yeah, there was certainly a fair amount of points left staring out from the Slayers bench. But truth be told, you would’ve had to be a soothsayer to pick up some of them. For example, who would’ve thunk Chad “That’s Right, I’ll Smash Your Face” Johnson would come up with 1 stinkin’ point? (I know I sure didn’t in my other league.) But on the other hand, in “that other league,” I was able to discern that Brett “I May Be Old And The Packers May Suck But At Least I’m Not Kurt Warner” Favre was the way to go. And the Slayer receiving core? Well, really now, who knew? So, I say we cut the Commish a tiny bit of slack, despite my last comment above (that goes for the Mandhandled too—just teasing, you know).

And the MoFu’s? Well, an intriguing bunch. You take a look down the line, and many faces seem to stare back, saying, true dat, we solid. But then, you look and see—79 points? Well, with that nod to the Surfers, we have to give the same nod to the MoFu’s: they got it done. With Clinton “Yeah, That’s Right, That’s Right All You Nay Sayers” Portis putting on a show, Tatum “I Da Man, I Tell Ya” Bell coming on, and some good looking receivers, despite Plaxico’s plummet, the MoFu’s stand a fair chance of putting together a good season. But of course, they’re going to need to find a way to chase down the ever present ‘Cats.

Week Three trend: MoFu’s keeping it going. Keep your eyes on ‘em and be ready to play when they visit your hometown. Chimp Slayers? Well, I guess that’s what you get for changing the name of a time-honored franchise. But they could make for some challenging competition for the Savages, Juggs and Manhandlers.

Blackouts (86) at Juggs (73)

Ah, the top of the Crystal Gayle division versus the bottom. Well, it turned out to be a little closer than some expected (I can’t say who, but it was an unnamed source inside the Juggs locker room). While the Rolling Blackouts weren’t exactly ‘Cat-like—but really, who is?—, a few solid performances lifted them over the Juggs. Eli “Don’t Call Me Little, Brother” Manning and John “Glad To Still Be Employed” Carney added respectable points to the potentially breakout performance of Javon “I Hope I Finally Found A Home” Walker, and that’s all it took to slap around the couple of Juggs that tried to make it a game.

Week Three trend: Juggs still suck. Will Parker and some MoJo spark a turnaround? We can only wait and see. Meanwhile, the Blackouts continue to roll over the rest of the hapless Crystal Gayle division, but is that enough to get to the big game? That, too, remains to be seen.

And Finally…

Just when you thought I had forgotten, this intrepid reporter got this week’s scoop on the latest bon mot straight from ‘Cat HQ:

Here's the Bobcat Rap:

This is true dat:
We be cruel 'Cats!

UPDATE:

Bonus Bon Mot From Bobcat HQ: We didn't even notice the Steamrollers were missing.

UPDATE II:

Sluts (53) at Steamrollers (87)

So the Sluts got themselves Steamrolled this week. Can I really add more to that?

As Sei aptly observed, it is noteworthy that the Steamrollers have broken a rather nasty losing streak--and how better to do so than by rolling over some sluts. (Hey, that one is just far too much to resist--as I type, I'm debating whether to say it a third time!)

But seriously, my apologies to both teams. Steamrollers are hard to miss, and I normally don't overlook sluts, so I'm not sure how that happened. Ah, well.

At any rate, a quick glace at the Scoreboard shows that not only did Sei and his boys roll those Sluts, they managed an impressive performance in doing so. And the Sluts? Well, Carson is pretty good, but I just can't see him being enough to carry an entire team.

Which, of course, leads to the final Week Three trend observation: Sluts are down. Can Sei keep it up?

(Hey, you didn't expect any less, did you? Frankly, I thought that was rather tasteful given what we might expect from certain other ReCappers.)