Week Two Recap by the Commish

Arcadia Bobcats (107) defeat Sunnyvale Slayers (81)

You hear that sound? It’s the sound of me crying crocodile tears. Peter OWNED me this week – simple as that. His hubris was quite evident during his birthday dinner when I said to him, “maybe if you’re lucky I’ll give you a present this weekend.” His reply was “I won’t need any luck.” And just like that his prophecy was fulfilled. Sure, his reply was perhaps more annoying that the Old Style radio commercials that broadcast during Cubs games, but I digress. This is likely the 2nd week in a row where Pete’s team has scored the highest points. I am relegated to visions of 2004 as the Slayers are now in a terrible 0-2 shambles. I left 28 possible points on the bench, but that would’ve required me to start Marques Colston, Brett Favre, and D’Angelo Williams. Are you nuts? Regardless, I must give credit where credit is due, and right now Pete’s team is looking pretty solid after 2 weeks.

BREAKDOWN
Ravens Defense: 25
L.T.: 24
Frank Gore: 17
Laverneous Coles: 18

When you can start Alex Smith at QB and still win by 26 points, you know your Fantasy team is good (actually, Pete could’ve started Josh McCown and still won). I must’ve been thinking about my ‘other’ fantasy team, the one with Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel – meanwhile the Slayers looked more like Jessica Tandy. COTW nomination to follow.

NEW FEATURE THIS WEEK –

I’m hoping that every week from here on out, the writer of the weekly recap will ask Pete for his poetic musings regarding the outcome of his match-up – without further ado, here is PETE’S WEEK 2 MMFL BON MOT: “Crocker Highlands is located at the corner of Kicked St. and Yourass Ave.”

Now fetch me a cucumber sandwich, crusts removed!

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Rolling Blackouts (91) defeat Chicago Long-Horned Beatles (60)

Looks like Bill might want to start Rex Grossman (28) after 2 sub par weeks from Matt Hasselbeck (7). His Beatles could barely muster 60 points en route to a 31 point thrashing from the defending champ Blackouts. Ron saw stellar performances across the board (well, his kicker wasn’t too good but that’s probably the one position that can weather a bad performance). The Beatles found no help in his core positions, as the WR’s and RB’s combined for only 23 points (with 11 of those coming from Shaun “I Need Steve Hutchinson back” Alexander) while the Blackouts put up a semi-Mr. Fred-esque 44 from their Fantastic Four (Jessica Alba not included). Bill’s Beatles can’t buy him any love, but they certainly can afford a COTW nomination.

BREAKDOWN
Eli “the other white” Manning: 25
Reggie “John” Wayne: 13
L.J. “Burrows” Smith: 13

A prison break indeed for the Blackouts, both teams move to 1-1 and William Fichtner is not far behind them in the rear view mirror popping Medazepam.

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The Juggernauts (91) defeat the Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (89)

Oh the agony of a 2 point loss, this can only be surpassed by losing by 1 point, which in turn can only be surpassed by losing a tied game by virtue of a tie-breaker, which can only finally be surpassed by losing the Championship game to Ron (and starting Kyle Boller at QB – yes my grapes are still very sour!). The Juggs were firm and tight in this match-up, Matt brought out the big guns with newly acquired (i.e. purchased for $500 MMFL currency) Chad Pennington (19 points). Good thing too, his bench QB’s combined for only 9 total points, so this waiver wire salvo clinched the proverbial victory out of the Juggs of defeat. Too bad Cadillac Williams looked like he was wearing a training bra, his 2nd bad week in a row as he was only able to lactate his way to 1 point on 37 rushing yards. I think Carnell needs a fresh new teat with which to suckle. A valiant effort by Rudy “Not a Jugg by a 10 inch” Johnson (26) was not enough to salvage a very bitter defeat at the bosom of the Juggs.

BREAKDOWN
Chad “I’m 10 passes away from reconstructive shoulder surgery” Pennington: 19
Darrell “I’m a Deoin Branch away from scoring half my usual total” Jackson: 18
Matt “Thank God we can’t score in the red zone” Stover: 14

Now let’s see here, Matt DD made a great selection at QB, too bad the same can’t be said of Kevin “Fred” Savage. His selection of Daunte Culpepper was his undoing, as Drew Brees sat on his bench with a 16 point effort against a hapless Green Bay Defense. Let’s see, if my math isn’t off, 16-10 = 6. 6-2 = 4. That’s what I call stealing defeat from the jaws of victory – certainly worthy of a COTW nomination.

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Ocean Beach Surfriders (91) defeat the Bay City Steamrollers (75)

Emerging from the latrine, Sei realized that his team just committed a brown on white crime – the ‘Steamrollers’ move to 0-2 and 0-12 dating back to the last 10 games of 2005. This is not a pretty site. Meanwhile, Glen is riding a wave of success, joining Peter Bobcat as the only owners of undefeated records after the first 2 weeks. Does that mean we have relative parity? Sei only had 2 positions in double figures (Manning – 31, Jags DST – 13). Of his running backs, wide receivers, tight ends, and kicker, his kicker was the higher scorer with 9 points! Lee Evans, Jeremy Shockey, and Kellen Winslow were especially stinky, combining for 9 points. Blame it on bad luck all you want, but I’m wondering who will be the first to break Sei’s brown “streak”. He could use a Smoove BM right about now. Sei needs TP for his bunghole.

BREAKDOWN
Donavan “Sunshine Superman” McNabb – 23
Donald “If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck” Driver – 19

Not even a goose egg from Kicker Jeff Reed was enough to stople the mighty Surfriders. The only thing that could be worse for Sei at this point is if the MMFL faithful vote him into the COTW Hall of Fame.

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Joe’s Mother Tuckers (84) defeat Rolling Rock Wild Things (46)

“I’ll take Anal Bum Cover for $500 Alex. It’s a Daily Double!” Mr. Fred was almost doubled up by Joe MOTO this week. Making this indignity even worse was a season league low of 46 put up by Mr. Fred’s 33’s (aka the Peace Fighters). Upon further inspection, Joe’s team was in Final Jeopardy by including both Steve Smith and Clinton Portis in the starting line-up. To those who don’t follow football, both players are injured and neither of them played on Sunday. So Joe basically defeated Mr. Fred without the assistance of his top 2 picks! To Joe’s credit, every player he started who actually suited up last week scored in double figures, while Mr. Fred left Joey “Not a Single Point in Week One” Galloway rotting on his bench with 20 much needed points (call them dignity point since they wouldn’t have changed the outcome of this laugher).

BREAKDOWN
Plexico “Let’s Do It For Joe’s Daughter” Burress – 18
Drew “Barrymore” Bledsoe – 16

At this time please re-read the previous paragraph for the COTW most deserving!

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SF Sluts (68) defeat Mission Manhandlers (67)

Ok – what could be better than a game pitting the Sluts against the Manhandlers. Evidently the Sluts were able to “score” despite the “Manhandlers” alternative lifestyle (and by the way, if I were to open a gay bar in San Francisco, I’d be tempted to call it “Manhandlers”). Kanako must be reeling from this one point defeat, not only did she lose this game, but she also lost T.O. for at least 2 weeks with a broken ring finger on his catching hand (he’ll only miss one game since Dallas has a bye week in week 3). Anyway, the Sluts dressed like tramps for this one but still managed to not get their outfits Lewinskied. Hell, they will take a 1 point victory any day over a 1 point defeat. Kanako has stated that she intends to rename her franchise to the ‘Visitation Violators’. (You know what? If I were to open a gay bar in San Francisco, my 2nd choice for a name would be “Violators Bar and Grill”.) Well she was repeatedly violated by those dirty Sluts this week. Bend over Abigail Mae! Kanako was relegated to screaming “you frakkin’ toaster” at Hines Ward during the Monday Night Football game – I have witnesses!

BREAKDOWN
Carson “One in the Bush is worth Two in the” Palmer – 18
Donte “Don’t be a Hater” Stallworth – 14

Dare the gods bestow upon Kanako a COTW trophy for week 2? Only YOU, dear reader, may decide.

There you have it – week two is in the books. 2 teams remain undefeated (Pete and Glen), 2 teams remain winless (Commish and Sei), and 8 teams are 1-1. Week 3 is gonna be fun – don’t forget there are some bye weeks out there so set your lineups accordingly.

Go Dodgers!