Week 6 - 2005 - Recap

Well, considering that I said I'd write the week 6 recap if no one else volunteered, here goes. I don't take any responsibility for the lameness that follows:

SF Sluts 78 at The Juggernauts 79
Juggs bounces reverse Cowgirl all over the QB-deficient Sluts. Tommy Maddox = 1 point. Sluts lose. At least Melissa didn't start the Patriots defense (-9). Sluts with 4 players in double figgs, Juggs with only three. Juggs still win. Thank god for Willis McGhahee (21 points).

Arcadia Bobcats 98 at Rolling Rock Wild Things 62
Mr. Fred only had 76 total points from all 16 roster players. Then again he had 6 players on a bye week. I'm surprised the damage wasn't worse. I was expecting something along the lines of Edward Norton in Fight Club when he throws himself through that glass table. What we merely got was something out of a Harry Potter movie, with Peter playing the part of Voldemort and the hapless 45's cowering like a Weasley. I don't know what I'm talking about, I've never read a Harry Potter book in my life. Tomlie had 32 points, but Peter Bobcat didn't need 'em. Nuff said!

Mission Manhandlers 48 at Rolling Blackouts 53
Stinko game of the week. Blackouts manage ANOTHER victory despite having one of the lowest point totals in the history of Montana Mile League football. I guess it's all about the match-ups, and this year Ron has made the most out of the least. The cursing could be heard from Timbuktu once Randy Moss went down with a sore groin. 0 points from Mission Takeda's first round pick. Hell, at least you don't have the festering sore known as Nate Burleson. Bills DST with 15 points was the highest contributer. Can I go to sleep now?

Bay City Steamrollers 92 at Emerald City Chimps 123
Now my life is complete. I beat the defending champs, and I beat them with Mark Brunell at QB. Granted Mark Brunell has been a stud all year, so I'm glad to use him and 10th round pick Santana Moss. Even a 0 from Tyson Thompson (replacing the loss of #1 pick Deuce McCallister) didn't hinder the Chimps from reaching their 5th straight win. Kudos to aforementioned Moss, 34 points. Sei's team had a good week, but he was just the victim of poor scheduling. Sometimes the 4th highest point total equals a loss in the standings. Sometimes the 2nd highest point total equals a loss in the standings. But as the Chimps can attest to, the highest point total will always result in a W.

Joe's Mother Tuckers 85 at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 121
Joe Moto got scalped by Kevin Savage. Too bad he wasn't playing Ron. The Edge had 33 points. The Edge is unstoppable just as long as Marvin Harrison continues to demand double teams. Then again, if they stuff 8 in the box, Peyton Manning may finally wake up. Even 37 points from Shaun "you must give me a contract now because neither of us will be the same if i leave" Alexander was not enough to vault the Tuckers into fantasy bliss. The Savages are looking pretty strong, I pity the fool who has to play them in the playoffs (because I think he's gonna make it after all).

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 86 at Ocean Beach Surf Riders 91
Bill lost by 5 points. Bill started Joe Horn. Joe Horn didn't play. Bill didn't have any other receivers on his bench. Bill couldn't have done anything to salvage this game unless he had picked up someone through waivers earlier in the week. Now he wants a trade, bitch.

Note from the Commish: you get what you pay for. Kevin should have an easy time out-writing this column. Plus I've been reading too much Bill Simmons, so my tendency is to make pop culture references as much as possible - just be glad I didn't bring out the Brady Bunch references or refer to any team as a bunch of Cobra Kai flunkies.

Week 6 recap writers wanted!

Anyone up for writing a week 6 recap? I'll do it if no one else volunteers, but given that my prose skills have gone the way of Travolta's waistline, I think perhaps some fresh ink is advisable?

Week 5 Recap - 2005

This one is short and sweet. I must apologize for no Week 4 recap, the Juggs owner was supposed to post something, but he was too busy getting new implants. That might also explain why he lost this week.

Week 5: 10/4/05 - 10/10/05
Rolling Rock Wild Things 52 at SF Sluts 84
Rolling Blackouts 28 at Arcadia Bobcats 52
The Juggernauts 62 at Mission Manhandlers 82
Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 113 at Bay City Steamrollers 40
Ocean Beach Surf Riders 69 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 97
Emerald City Chimps 98 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 69

Rolling Rock Wild Things 52 at SF Sluts 84
The Sluts won! The Sluts won using the Detroit Defense. The Sluts starting 8 outscored Mr. Fred’s ENTIRE team (84 – 67). Mr. Fred is getting’ ready for a hurtin’ in week 6, as the Eagles are on a bye week. Time to put the practice squad on the field. What will help, however, is the re-emergence of the Bus. He’ll have to carry the 45’s on his back if there is any hope for this once proud franchise. Domanick Davis finally showed up for the Sluts, 20 points, along with 21 points from player of the game Brett Favre. The Sluts have officially gotten the proverbial monkey off their back, too bad they remain on their back holding down the cellar in their division.

Rolling Blackouts 28 at Arcadia Bobcats 52
Ok – 28 points is not the league record for fewest points scored in a given week – that distinction belongs to Matt’s team of yore, the Tundra Titans (a 26 point week!). Ron still has a long way to go to match the Chimps record of 8 straight loses, but a few more 28 point weeks and he will well on his way to matching that dubious achievement! Peter Bobcat had the third lowest points of the week and still managed victory (sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good). Pete had two players in negative points and still managed to win – talk about dumb luck. Player of the game is the legendary Tomlie, 18 points in a Monday night loss to the Steelers. And yes, Ron’s 28 point defensive swing (Falcons dst vs. using Buffalo) cost him the game and will most certainly earn him his first COTW of 2005.

The Juggernauts 62 at Mission Manhandlers 82
The Juggs got manhandled by Kanako (now isn’t that a tasty image!). Andre Johnson was held scoreless – so much for the Juggs marquee wide receiver – he has been one of the biggest Fantasy disappointments of 2005. Kanako saw a great return from Joe Jurevicius – 22 points and player of the game honors. Matt’s team looks ok on paper, but 62 points just won’t get it done during most weeks (although he could’ve beaten his brother this week!).

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 113 at Bay City Steamrollers 40
Kevin was 7 points away from tripling the total of Sei’s starting 8. Ouch! To make matters worse, Kevin bench almost outscored Sei’s ENTIRE roster (56-64). Steve “I am a must start in all fantasy formats” Smith had another outstanding showing with 27 points. It seems like Smith has great weeks every other week. Anquan Boldin continues to post consistent numbers with 25 points. Terry Glenn was left on the bench with another 25 points. Could Kevin’s team be waking up from an early season slumber? Should I have traded Fred Taylor for Terry Glenn when I had the chance? Is this the beginning of the end for the defending champs? Stay tuned.

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 69 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 97
A 17 point swing on Defense for Glen – but even if he had started the Jags defense, he still would’ve lost (97-86). Nothing he can do but cry afoul at the dominance of Joe’s Moto’s. Tom Brady takes player of the game honors with 26 points. Lots of bench scoring for both teams, but Joe left more on the bench than Glen (59-58). I’m not sure what Glen was thinking with Marshall Faulk at running back – that man is done . . . but I guess he won’t have to worry about it anymore given that he can slot in Priest Holmes for the rest of the season (provided Priest stays healthy).

Emerald City Chimps 98 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 69
Josh McCown 21 – Peyton Manning 8. While not the entire difference of this game, it was significant enough to point out. The Chimps also left Matt Schaub on the bench with 25 points. Go figure. 70 bench points for the Chimps, but that will happen when half your roster consists of back-up quarterbacks. Santana Moss continues to impress, and he will be making an appearance as a starting player next week against the defending champs. I’m not really sure why Bill started the Bears DST when the Colts were playing the 49ers. That was 17 points left on his bench, but again, wouldn’t have made a difference, he still would’ve lost. Chimps move to 4-1. Is the world coming to an end?