Weak 11 update

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 116 at SF Sluts 114
Melissa must be surcharged with bitterness after this defeat. She left 50 points on her bench. For some reason she felt compelled to start Antowain Smith (1 point) – his longest run was 5 yards. She left Domanick Davis (13 points) and TJ Duckett (9 points) sitting there picking their teeth with the splinters from their bums. For a second there I thought she was going to eek out a victory, she was only 5 points behind at half-time of the Monday Night game – but inexplicably, Favre and Driver only scored 3 points in the 2nd half. Atrabiliar!

Emerald City Chimps 65 at Rolling Blackouts 61
Ok – after Sunday I was CERTAIN of my own Chumpitude. After hearing on CBS that Fragile Fred was starting, I quickly swapped out Greg Jones for Fred Taylor. For a second there I thought about starting Cadillac Williams, but given his fumble-itis and poor scoring over the last 4 weeks, I decided to go with the Jags backfield. I also opted not to start the red hot Michael Vick – instead I went with the very cold Mark Brunell. I counted up the 100 points I would’ve had and I became surcharged with bitterness, altrabiliar. Ron had 60 points going into Monday Night and he had Brad Johnson leading his charge. Imagine my surprise when Ron still had 60 points after halftime. An interception and lost fumble later in the 2nd half, a touchdown scored on a running play, and what do you know? I had snatched victory out of the jaws of defeat after having snatched defeat out of the jaws of victory. Can you tell I’m running out of catch phrases? San Dimas High School Football Rules!

Bay City Steamrollers 71 at Mission Manhandlers 83
Sei lost by 12 points. Sam Gado scored 2 points – Lee Evans scored 6 points. On his bench he had Marion Barber (14 points) and R. Brown (12 points). Well, I guess I can’t fault him for starting Lee Evans, and even if he had tied Kanako he still would have lost by virtue of less bench points. At 3-8, Sei is pretty much eliminated from the playoffs this year. The mighty have fallen. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sei is surcharged with bitterness, atrabiliar. Amazingly Kanako won despite some very poor performances from her backfield. Stephen Davis had 0 points on 6 yards rushing and Stephen Jackson had 1 point from 3 receptions (lost 2 points on a fumble!). Chris Brown and Reuben Droughns both had 21 points each! What do they say about being lucky versus being good?

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 82 at Arcadia Bobcats 91
Now this game was something to behold. Combined points for all players on both teams was astounding! Bobcats = 162. Surf Riders = 171. That’s some craziness. Unfortunately for Glen (who I know is most of the time surcharged with bitterness, atrabiliar) he made a few poor coaching decisions and suffered the nagging claws of Peter. But I have to wonder why he started Heath Evans at RB. He had Mewelde Moore sitting on his bench with 13 points, Evans only had 5. Ok, so that would’ve out him 1 point behind – but he also started Deion Branch instead of red hot Jerry Porter. That was a 7 point mistake. That, my dear readers, is chumpworthy.

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 93 at The Juggernauts 76
Juggs needs more support. Even a zero from Desmond Clark didn’t stop Bill’s Bears from winning handily. It helps that the Bears DST is unstoppable (I’m a believer now, since they actually played a pretty decent Carolina Panthers offense). Even 31 points from Mike Anderson wasn’t enough to get these Juggs out of traction. Of course -12 from the Bengals Defense also isn’t going to help your cause. Matt is SWB, A.

Joe's Mother Tuckers 102 at Rolling Rock Wild Things 69
I think Mr. Fred is down for the count. He released TO, now he starts Bettis at running back and gets a goose egg. It doesn’t help that Donte was on the bench with 21 points (he cannot be relied upon!) and Crumpler with 12 points. Mr. Fred is SWB, A.

Ok – I ran out of steam, but an update is better than no update. Or is it? You decide! C’mon people, I have a new job here, I just moved to another state, cut me some slack! I have become surcharged with bitterness, atrabiliar.

Week 8

I post this quickly, so I won’t get snippy comments about the recap being late from one owner who shall remain unnamed. Who, if I remember correctly, was none to speedy w/his recap neither.

But, I come to bury Week8, and not Caesar, so here we go:

Mission Manhandlers 110 def Scavages 104

First off, congratulations to both teams in being involved in the only game this year where both teams broke into triple digits. The extra dollop of congratulations goes to the Dead Schmoos for overcoming the negative 6 points from the defense and still winning. She did this w/a solid performance up and down her lineup, w/6 players in double digits. Now there are those who are going to point out that the Scavages could’ve won if Kevin would’ve played Eddie “I’m not dead yet” Kennison, Kevin “It’s all in the name” Jones or Jake “I’m not related to that fat chef” Delhomme, but I’m hard pressed to say I’d have done anything different.

Game ball: Although it’s hard to pass up Steve Smith’s 33pt performance. I’m gonna do it, and award it to Feely the kicker: 5 FG, w/4 of them 39yds or longer! And 3 XP’s. Steve “Don’t call me Jimmy or Antwoin” Smith has and I’m sure will continue to get his share of game balls in the following weeks.

Joe’s Mother Tuckers 67 def SF Sluts 59

After a brief visit to the win column that had all the pundits scratching their heads, the Sluts are back to familiar territory--flat on their backs, losing listlessly. As much as I hate to say it, Brett is getting a bit long in the tooth and he has no one to throw to. Which makes the Brett over Ben decision eminently Chump-worthy. I’d also like to go against the usual sparing of winning coaches the dubious COTW honors, and nominate Joe. Jake “Not the Roto-Rooter” Plummer had 31 pts on the bench compared on Drew “I’m done bleeding” Bledsoe’s 9.

Game ball: Plummer 31pts.

Juggs 119 def ‘Rollers 59

This was the tale of two teams going in opposite directions. The Juggs were on a 2 game winning streak and the ‘Rollers were one a 3 game losing streak. And like the America of today, the Winning got more winning and the losing got more losing. A balanced attack, w/an eye-popping performance by Antonio “I should make Bill money” Gates w/35. The Rollers only excuse was a bye-heavy lineup which required creative lineup management. As is usually the case, creative management = crappy management, w/only Tony Fisher doing anything. Rest assured, the rest of this motley crew is destined for the Waiver heap in short order. To be replaced by the next batch to be scrapped the following week. The only faint glimmer of hope for the defending champs was the performance of one Marion Barber w/25pts on the bench. But being two games below 500 in week 8 is a tough spot to make the playoffs.

Game Ball: Gates 35pts

Blackouts 95 def Beatles 52

It was truly a pyrrhic victory for the Blackouts losing their Culpepper this week. It was also an unusual victory in that the Blackouts actually scored over 70 points. The Blackouts have the lowest point total of any team in the league, yet they are tied for the 2^nd best record! But back to this week’s game. Culpepper wasn’t able to do much, but Tiki and the Dallas D kept the torches bright for the Blackouts. For the Beatles, well, they’re lucky that they had a truly pathetic performance by the Chimps to save them from the ignominy of the lowest point total. A year or two back, I proposed a general rule of thumb (or Sei’s Plastic Pearl): If your Defense leads your scoring, you’re in trouble. Although this year’s D scoring seems a bit high, the rule still holds. Like in this game.

Game Ball: Tiki 27pts

Bobcats 89 def Chimps 28

28! As was mentioned previously, it’s not a new record (26 by the Titans), but it’s damn close. The observation here is you live by the Brunell/Moss combination and you die by the Brunell/Moss combination. The flea-bitten primates had no one in double figures, and probably more damning is that they had over twice as many points on the bench than starters. Now if you take out the two players on byes, that means the Chimps 6 bench players more than doubled the output of the 8 starters. That makes this Chimp very Chump-worthy.

As for the Bobcats, here’s an example of why the previous pearl was plastic: The D led in scoring and they won. Which in my mind points to the D scoring being out of whack. But that’s another tirade for another time.

Game Ball: Giants D

Wild Things 102 def Surf Riders 74

It was a good week for the PA heavy Wild Things, who got solid efforts from TO and Heath “Not Cliff” Miller. A resurgent effort by Eric “I just needed a non-Losman QB” Moulds couldn’t overcome the 4pt effort by the once-might Priest. Although the OBSR’s had lots of points on the bench, there was no lineup that could’ve beat the RRWT’s total. Which, of course does not mean that they should be spared the COTW honors.

Game Ball: TO

One final observation: At the slightly past the midway point of the season, there seems to be a changing of the guard at the top of the standings. The teams that are leading the three divisions are the Bobcats, Chimps, and Blackouts. In the history of the league, I believe these teams are a combined 0-3 in the playoffs. This means they’ve made it to the playoffs only 3 times, and have lost in the first round each time. I guess if Sox of all colors can win the World Series, there’s no reason why these teams can’t win the MMFL. Or maybe this is yet another sign of the impending apocalypse.

Week Seven Recap By Kevin

SF Sluts 101
Mission Manhandlers 76


Sometimes it’s easy bein’ easy…

In the true spirit of the Halloween season, the perennial pleasure toy of the MML turned a few tricks one week early, and treated spectators to the second highest point total of the week. Brett “I don’t need no stinkin’ receivers” Favre continued to shine on a tragically depleted Green Bay team. Donald Driver, who appears to be the only other Packer on offense not suffering from torn meniscus of some form, chipped in for 20. Domanick “I don’t need no stinkin’ offensive line” Davis is the lone star on the Lone Star State’s ugliest team since the 1-15 Cowboys.

And for the Manhandlers? Randy Moss wasn’t supposed to start…but did start…but sucked. Well, 10 points isn’t horrible, but Randy hasn’t been Randy this season. Steven Jackson (18 points) continues to shoulder the workload now that they don’t have a quarterback who can throw, and Tony G woke from his long-overdue slumber, but failed to record a TD reception.

Nice performance by the Sluts, but something tells me they’ll be taking it lying down soon enough.


Rolling Blackouts 83 (34)
Rolling Rock Wild Things 83 (26)

It has gotta suck losing the tiebreaker games. But can we examine the Rolling Blackouts for just one moment, please? They won their first matchup with only 63 points, they beat the Steamrollers by 1 in week three, they score only 53 last week (more than enough to handle the Manhandlers)…and now they win a tie.

If I had their luck, I’d be in Vegas every day, every hour, for the rest of my life.

I, on the other hand, score over 100 points and still lose. Oh wait, this is week seven, and that hasn’t happened yet…

399 points they’ve scored this season. That’s it. Yet they’re still 4-3.

To be honest, I don’t even want to recap this game. Now I’m too pissed off.

It is interesting to note that during one of Culpepper’s few bright games (20) he was relegated to the bench (not that he’s been a model of consistency), and for awhile I thought that would cost the team dearly. Clinton “now this is why you drafted me” Portis finally found his stride (29 points), and helped carry the team, despite a dismal performance from the slumping Bills Defense (-6).


On the flip side, the Wild Things received solid contributions from Brian Westbrook (14), T.O. (15), Donte’ “I’m as inconsistent as they come” Stallworth (10), and Heath “diamond in the rough” Miller (14). But Trent Green continues to underachieve, and the Wild Things really don’t have much firepower at the RB position. With no one to speak of on the bench, the Wild Things suffered a cruel fate.

Ironically, it was Culpepper who saved the day, his 20 bench points rolling the blackouts past the wild things. Ouch.


Juggs 71
Cats 64

Ah, my favorite game of the week. Though recitation of Merle Haggard lyrics and a keen eye for plaid shirts are the regular barometers of manhood within the Schoewe household, the true testament of fraternal superiority lies in the dust and blood coating the air every Sunday afternoon…that sibling clash on the battlefield, that brutal grappling between two soon-to-be-pedestrian teams.

This was a roller-coaster of a contest, with some highly unpredictable results. Fantasy Football All Star and Jack of All Trades, Ladanian Tomlinson, did, well, jack (7 rushing yards? huh?)…and the Giants’ defense dealt a devastating blow to the frail Kittens. Yet Matt “I picked up Peerless Price because I’m desperate” Schoewe still can’t find a wide receiver, and Troy “worthless” Williamson’s solitary point caused the Juggs to sag even lower.

And a touchdown pass from the younger, greedier Manning within the final minute against the Broncos caused the Cats to surge even farther ahead. The dramatic move set the stage for a Monday night showdown, with the Juggs’ only hopes of rising resting on Mr. Laveranues “please don’t call me Shirley” Coles.

The game seemed to stretch on for an eternity, not because of the gripping, surging drama unfolding before us, but because it was actually a pretty bad game. There were times I thought Matt would somehow find a way to lose (and the Cats likely yowled with glee at the sight of Vinny “I’m older than dirt” Testaverde rolling his wheelchair across the goal-line instead of passing to his number 1 WR). Yet, though the Juggs were drooping, limp and flabby, they managed to milk enough points from Mr. Coles to spay the feral felines. Bob Barker, who watched from the sidelines, nodded his approval.

Matt, on a side note, Carson Palmer looked very Kerry Collins-esque. I know we debated QB’s early on. And yes, I’ll admit Carson’s easily the better producer this season…then again, he’s playing on your team, so he’d better be.


Savages 105
SurfRiders 75

As any surfer knows, you should never don your wetsuit without making sure your bulge is accounted for. Unfortunately for the SurfRiders, Bulger’s injury meant one turgid goose-egg on their stat sheet. But being Bulger-less was the least of their problems. To make matters worse, their only other quarterback, Steve “sucking air” McNair, was also out, leaving them with no option, as they couldn’t add and drop before game time. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it would’ve mattered, although a good QB performance would certainly have made me tear my hair out…thankfully, that didn’t happen until week 8.

Ferguson’s injuries affected the final tally, too. Every year, some teams just get beat down with injuries…that’s the way it goes. Hell, in another league, I’ve got Bulger, Julius Jones, Ferguson, T.J. Housh, AND Javon Walker…you can imagine how sweet that team is. Ask Matt, he knows. Just don’t ask him about his team, because you’ll never hear the end of it.

On my side, I’m loving the Jordan/Edge combo…we’ll see how far that can carry me. Quite the unbalanced wagon for my tomahawk wavers… 0 points from Boldin, not much from Glenn, Kerry looking rather ho-hum…yet that dynamic duo and a good D helped vault me over the century mark. This marked the third week in a row I put up over 100 points. As long as I keep doing that, I’m sure I can’t lose…because someone who scores over a hundred never, ever loses.

Right?


Beatles 87
Steamrollers 70

Peyton Manning’s slow descent into mediocrity wasn’t enough to slow the Beatles, their meat-and-potatoes Bears D (17), and Thomas Jones (12). Across the field, the Donny “Chunky Soup” McNabb (9), Curtis Martin (11), and M. Harrison trio (15) just ain’t what it used to be.

Looking at the bench, nothing really could’ve been done. At 3-4, there’s still a lot of football to be played, and Sei’s a master of the waiver-wire…but McNabb’s nagging injuries, Curtis Martin’s more age-appropriate performance, and Manning’s sudden urge to not set any more records (thus Harrison’s drooping stats), don’t look to dissipate any time soon. Darrel Jackson’s injury, however, is the true blow to this franchise, as his weekly dependability somehow can’t be replicated by usual studs like Harrison and J. Smith (who was on a bye this week). Unless the team on the field starts resembling the team on paper very soon, I’m thinking things are starting to look grim for the defending champs.

Chimps 84
Motha’ Tuckas’ 64

Chimpy “there is no pain in this dojo” Lee (you refused to quote Cobra Kai, so I did it for you) continued his impressive hot streak with formidable totals from Mark Brunell (22) and Santana Moss (17), a nice file-in role (I say “fill-in” because I’m SURE he’ll start Fred Taylor in week 8…there just isn’t any doubt in my mind) from Fast Willie Parker (17)…and a steaming pile of crap from everyone else.

The Tuckas’ experienced the second-biggest anomaly this week in the sub-par performance of Shaun Alexander (behind L.T.’s mysteriously disappointing outing). Rudi Johnson (5 points) has been a pretty big disappointment this season too, as he’s only reached double-digits twice. Plexiglass Burress had a decent game (15), and though he’s come down to Earth after a truly inspired week 4, he remains a dependable number 1.

Not much happening on the bench either, and CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME why Javon Walker is still riding pine for this team? Drop him, add someone…hit the waiver-wire…what is he, like a good luck charm or something? I just don’t get it.

Regardless, Chimps looked good yet again, Tuckas’ are kind of a feast-or-famine team. But we’ll see what happens if Brunell has a bad outing (ok, I know how week 8 went, but I was planning on writing that anyway).

Anyway, that’s week 7. One week late, but not as tardy as week 6. Good luck to all in week 9…except to the Rolling Blackouts (who I play, and who don’t seem to need any more luck on their side), and The Juggernauts (who I just don’t like).