It’s snowing in Chicago as I type this, and Halloween is still a couple weeks away. I love the unpredictability of fall, the protean sway of the seasons, the topsy-turvy world of fantasy football, the tense vacillation of emotions from one game to the next...at least until next week, when reality sets in and I come to the terrifying conclusion that my team royally sucks.
But really, has there ever been a season like this? Former whipping-boys and general ass-clowns, the Chicago Bears, look as dominant as they’ve been since they shuffled their way to a Super Bowl championship. The Pittsburgh Steelers, defending champions captained by a walking hospital chart, are circling the bowl, and the Seattle Seahawks, the Super Bowl runners-up who blamed their loss on the refs, look to have had their wings clipped.
In the MMFL, the situation is equally as confusing. The Savages, perennial powerhouses to be sure, seem to be caught in the grip of a peyote trance. And Matt’s Juggs have as much chance of winning a championship as Cory Lidle does of winning the Cy Young. Really, no team seems all that impressive, especially after this low-scoring outing...then again, this is only Week 5.
I’ve postponed the agony long enough...we’ll get the brutal stuff over with right away. It’ll be just like pulling off a band aid. One...two...
Three...
Cali Buffys (87) defeat Noble Savages (67)
This wasn’t much of a competition. The combined onslaught of the Eagles D’ (23), Greg Jennings (17), and Antonio Gates (11) were the fantasy-football equivalent of a covered-wagon full of smallpox blankets. Um, we altered the scoring for Defenses, right? Right??
Regardless, my team isn’t looking so good. For starters, I have more younger guys in my lineup than Mark Foley does in his rolodex...the only difference is, mine just aren’t putting out. Still, my team performed better than expected, especially considering the injury to Larry "Black Irish" Fitzgerald. My ethnic brother caught two receptions for 15 yards, one touchdown, and a hamstring injury. Philip "Young Man" Rivers did surprisingly well (15) considering the defense he was facing, Maurice Jones-Drew (why he decided to keep his maiden name, I don’t know) is a diamond-in-the-rough, posting two touchdowns and 14 points. I’m still having issues at tight end, since Chris Baker decided to take a nap, and missed the game entirely.
Anyway, with five of my eight starters on a bye this week, my goal wasn’t so much to win as it was to not break the record of fewest points scored in a MMFL game...a record still held by the 03’ Tundra Titans, whose 26 points against the Jefferson Park Aces remain a monument to futility. Matt’s QB’s that year were Kyle Boller and Tim Couch. Wow.
Maybe Josh McCown wasn’t so bad after all.
No wait, he was.
Rolling Blackouts (77) defeat Surfer Dudes (76)
Ouch. The nail-biter of the week.
But close only counts in suicide bombs and horseshoes, and since the Surfers haven’t been hanging ten in the Persian Gulf, they’ll have to settle for a loss this week.
This really was a low-scoring week all around, as 77 points were enough to beat most squads. Pedestrian totals from Eli "Hide Your Heart Girl" Manning (12), DeShaun "Five Uninjured Weeks and Counting" Foster (13), and a solid Broncos D (13) helped carry the team, and Bernard Berrian (13) seems to be the early candidate for outstanding player no one ever heard of, or drafted.
The Surfer Dudes should take solace in the fact that they have fantasy football’s best player in Donovan McNabb (27). While they have a long list of underachieving WR’s, the core of Holt (10), Tiki (14), and McNabb should be enough to carry this team well into the playoffs, if not a championship. It’s certainly the most balanced team around.
Wild Thangs (75) defeat Sluts (64)
More disappointing performances from previous greats. For the Wildthings, Brady (14) and Edge (10), just ain’t what they used to be. Anquan (12) and Joey Galloway (16) helped their team limp to a rather uninspired victory. Jamal Lewis contributed three points in one of the most bland and frustratingly boring games ever played.
And the Sluts? Well, they sucked and sucked, and by week’s end they’d swallowed a brackish load of ineptitude. Granted, Carson was on a bye, but 16 points from Damon "Thank God Trent Green’s in a Coma" Huard have to be better than expected. Their problems lie elsewhere...actually, their problems lie everywhere else. LaMont Jordan’s (6 pts) rapid fall from grace and Kevin Jones’ (5) failure to even attain grace are simply killing this team. Drew Bennett contributed a big goose-egg after being injured, but his totals have fallen successively since week 1. Hines Ward (5 pts) hasn’t performed at all this season except for the first week, when he didn’t have Emergency Room VIP Big Ben throwing him the ball. The Steelers have faced some formidable defenses, though, and Ward’s numbers should pick up. If not for Jay Feely’s four field goals and an interception returned for a TD by the Panthers Defense, this game would have looked even worse. As it is, they’ve fallen from their heyday status of "high class call girl level" to somewhere between "waiting outside the VA hospital with a carton of latex gloves in their purse" and "moving into a convent because the action’s better."
Beatles (86) defeat Steamrollers (84)
Another close one. Peyton was ok (12), but fairly un-Manning against a team he should have destroyed. "Orange" Julius Jones (11) wasn’t bad, but "Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout?" Willis McGahee (6) points was the latest victim of another ferocious Bears Defense. Sei’s Steamrollers really lack a number 1 RB...which is ok, so long as you make up for your shortcomings at other positions. While Manning is who you want at QB, having the Williams Brotha’s at WR (especially when Deep Roy in D-town is injured) just isn’t going to cut it.
The Beatles, on the other hand, are the North Korea of the MML: they’re undeniably illogical, amusingly maniacal, and potentially dangerous. Year in and year out they continue to perform characteristically baffling maneuvers (like drafting Matt Hasslebeck in the 2nd round this year, drafting Ahman Green in the 2nd round last year, starting all Bears, etc.) and usually pose no real threat. Then one day we turn around, and they’ve suddenly developed a nuclear arsenal. In the Bears D (17), they have a lock for a weekly starter, and a guaranteed double-digit scorer. Rex Grossman (15) and Thomas Jones (14), are similar must-starts, as they continue to ride the wave of their easy schedule and dismantle weaker opponents. Robbie "Good As" Gould is a kicker who amasses receiver-like numbers (16 this week) and thus far looks like this year’s Neil Rackers...only better, and on a winning team.
Man Hands (74) defeat Mother Tuckers (67)
Poor Tuckers. Freud said: "All good men are dreamers, we grow great by our dreams." If that’s true, Drew Bledsoe must be an insomniac. I watched this game, and I kept thinking of that dodge ball scene in "Billy Madison" when Adam Sandler just dominates a bunch of miserable tykes, drilling them again and again as the game goes on. Drew looked about as hapless as those kids did, getting knocked around, throwing three interceptions and fumbling the ball once. He also scored one touchdown on the ground, which came as a surprise to many who, like me, just assumed the guy was incapable of running. You’d think a team with Steve Smith (8) and Plaxico Burress (15) would have some more formidable points at WR, but they were especially hampered by woeful totals from Clinton Portis (3), and the aforementioned Bumbling Bledsoe. Chester Taylor contributed 17 points in a valiant, but futile, effort.
Man Hands received solid numbers from usual stalwarts like Bulger (16) and L.J. (17). Ageless Marvin chipped in for ten, but could’ve done more. Terrell "Purposely Ingesting an Entire Bottle of Pills Is NOT a Suicide Attempt...Why Are You All Laughing At Me?" Owens (4) was basically worthless, and Santana Moss (4) continues to disappoint, and hasn’t really done much this season, his stellar Week 4 aside.
Kitty Cats (64) defeat Juggs (55)
Ah, the fraternal struggle. Every year, the Schoewe brothers do battle, and nearly every year Matt crawls away bruised, battered, and indignant. This year was no different.
There’s an episode of "The Simpsons" in which Homer inadvertently saves Springfield from nuclear disaster by blindly pressing the buttons on his control panel, thereby staving off a radioactive meltdown. At first, he’s lauded as a hero, but then it’s discovered that his triumphant moment of grace under pressure really amounted to nothing more than dumb luck. The phrase "pulling a Homer," is immediately introduced into the lexicon of "The Simpsons." There’s even a scene where an animated Magic Johnson (before he began dying a slow death...not from HIV, from his talk show) is shown dribbling the ball, tripping, nearly sliding into the crowd, and accidentally flipping the ball into the basket. "Looks like I pulled a Homer!" he announced, after the Lakers won the game.
After pulling a Homer week in and week out all the way to the playoffs last year, Peter’s team has done it again. Incidentally, I was going to propose changing the phrase to "pulling a Peter," but something about that sounded downright vulgar, so maybe we should leave it as is.
Anywhoo, the Kitty Cats scored only 64 points this week, which was just enough to lose to almost everyone, except for Matt (well, and the Sluts). As I mentioned in my draft recap, his RB tandem continues to be strong, with L.T. throwing down for 10 (low points for him, but enough), and Frank "Fumbler" Gore adding 15. But Laverne Coles (3) has fallen pretty far from the first week, thank you very much, and his totals have declined every week since. Cotchery (5) wasn’t much better. When you’re starting two Jets at WR, you’ve got issues. Kevin Curtis contributed nine while riding the pine, but those were his highest points of the season. Alex Smith (also on the bench) garnered 17, but I can’t blame Peter for sitting him after the dismal performance of -2 last week.
While Peter’s luck continued to hold, Matt’s woes only grew. Matt has the same luck I do...he always seems to start the wrong guys. He gives the nod to Addai...and receives a meager five points in return. Fast Willie (12) did his job...much better than Fitzgerald, I might add. Delhomme (9) continues to be a letdown, and Keyshawn (13) surprisingly hasn’t been bad. Meanwhile, the formerly-stalled Cadillac (13) and Travis Henry (13) were wasted on the bench. I think Matt should be sticking with Caddy, though he’s been somewhat disappointing, but I can’t criticize him for keeping Travis Henry out of the lineup. I mean, who the hell starts Travis Henry?
Much has already been said about Matt’s decision not to pick up a TE for a bye-week fill-in. I know he had some guys on the bench who were on bye’s already, who likely would’ve put him over the top any other week (D.Jack, for one). His argument was that there wasn’t anyone on his team he could’ve dropped to grab a scrub TE for the week...which is true, to a degree. But I think his mistake was bidding 1000 bucks for Maurice Morris, thereby forcing him to carve out a roster spot for him. Now, Matt’s almost obligated to keep the guy around, regardless of performance. The problem is, between Caddy, Travis Henry, Fast Willie, Addai, Dillon, AND Morris, Matt runs the risk of starting the wrong guys almost every week. He has too many options to choose from. Besides, even if he had picked up George Wrighster, or whomever, the stars wouldn’t have stood for it...somehow, someway, Peter’s luck would have won out.
And there it is.
