Keeping Up With The Bobcats

In this week's special feature, we take a look at the moves made by the Bobcats so far this season.

After the unorthodox strategy of drafting non-starting Detroit QB, Josh McCown, in Round 4, the guffaws started--and then came "Big Ben," and Aaron Brooks, and Laveranues Coles. And the guffaws grew louder. Pretty soon, Thirsty Savages could be heard to cry in derision: "What, the Bobcats have any chance? Why, you sir, must be a Crackpot!"

And then, out of that quiet corner in Crackpot Highlands came three straight victories. How could such a thing be explained?

Week 1. Brooks--as anticipated--craps out. But Frank Gore, Tomli, Laveranues and the Ravens chip in about 20 points each. A few more points here, a few there, and pretty soon, it's 90+ for the 'Cats.

Week 2. Gore, Tomli, Coles and the Ravens come through again. BUT, not content to rest on their laurels, the Bobcats go out and acquire QB Alex Smith, benching the predictably crappy Brooks (who got -4 that week), and instead rack up an additional 12 points from the new QB in town. Bobcats: 107. Opponents: wishing they had played someone else.

Week 3. Tomli on a bye. Problem? No sir. Insert Brian Westbrook, who had quietly been having decent outings in Weeks 1 and 2 while on the Bobcat bench. Result? A stunning 34 point performance, with help from QB Alex Smith, Coles, the Ravens and even the kicker, Kasay. And another Bobcat victory.

With all this going on, you might think the Bobcats front office might be content to let things ride. But are they? No sir. Locker room favorite Josh McCown is told to hit the bricks. TE Chris Cooley? Thanks for trying, now have a seat. In Week 4, we will see Houston TE Owen Daniels starting for the 'Cats.

WHO???

Owen Daniels. CBSSportsline has this to say:

Daniels is an intriguing player at this juncture. The rookie is slowly getting more and more looks (he had a few incompletes go his way Week 3) from QB David Carr and could emerge as the top TE in Houston. Don't go inserting him in your starting lineup just yet, but he has had a touchdown in two consecutive weeks and more could be on the way. Monitor his progress a little longer before making a move.

Most owners wouldn't go with--ummm--what was his name? But the savvy 'Cats management recognized Cooley isn't getting it done, so they went out and took a chance on a No-Name TE who had a mere 11 pts in Week 2 and 7 pts in Week 3--which certainly beats Cooley's 2, 1 and 4 pt performances this year.

And finally, still not content, and with room on the roster to grow, the 'Cats gave Brooks his well-deserved walking papers and brought in WR Chris Henry. If Henry can stay out of jail, there's no telling how much punch the 'Cats receiving corps will pack.

How will this all pan out? Will the 'Cats opponents continue to be Nameless Fodder for the 'Cats Superbowl run? Time will tell.

WEEK THREE RECAP

by Matt “Lombardi” Schoewe

With the Bobcats on a roll, the Thirsty Savages licking their own wounds in hopes of finding the smallest relief for their cracked, dry lips, and the rest of the league engaged in a struggle to find an identity, a way to compete…

Week 3 dawned. Too early for some, not early enough for others.

And so it was that the days of summer were long forgotten, unorthodox draft strategies were hailed as brilliance, and the sound and fury of another Montana Mile League season fully under way made itself known.

Thus it is that we examine the perennial Week Three Question: are there any discernible trends that might at least give a tantalizing clue as to how the story of the rest of the season will unfold? We begin with a look at the enigmatic Bobcats and their match with whatever fodder it was that landed in the way this time.

Wild Things (76) at Bobcats (103)

Sunday Morning dawned cold and gray in the Bobcats’ den. A bitter, sideways drizzle cut through the opposition like…

Oh wait…

Crackpot Highlands is somewhere out in sunny California, no?

And so, I imagine the day dawned perfectly nice, as usual: temperate, sunny, bright, not too warm, not too cool, not too anything—especially not good football weather. Not the type of day when men of iron take to the field, knowing nothing of that worldly concept others know as pain, playing only for team and honor.

Nonetheless, in Crackpot Dome, the 'Cats’ anthem—These ‘Cats Were Made For Stoplin’ (And Some Day They’re Gonna Stople All Over You)—could be heard rising from the lungs of its unequalled cheering section: Josh “They Ain’t Laughin’ Now” McCown and Ben “Big But Not So Bad” Roethlisberger. And? Yes indeed, that was LT, Tomli, The Man, Mr. Fantasy Football—riding the pine. True dat: unfortunately for the ‘Cats, Week Three found LT taking some time off. Would this spell ruin, defeat, ignominy for the surging ‘Cats?

We know the answer now, as the ‘Cats have tried to tell us before (at least those of us who are IOP faithful readers): it’s a team sport, and the ‘Cats ain’t nothin’, if they ain’t a team.

Thus spake Bobcat Coach “I May Tour With Willie Now And Again But I’m No Crackpot” Schoewe.

And so it began. With LT on the bench and an apparent opening for a new foe, Brian Westbrook reached down, said fine, my turn, and merely doubled his weekly output to lead the ‘Cats with 34 points. Frank Gore thanked him kindly and said, here’s a couple points to show some team spirit. Laveranues “Just Keep Laughing” Coles tossed in another respectable week’s worth of points. The Ravens D and John Kasay said, so like, who needs a TE anyway? And then, feeling the spirit, Alex Smith stepped up and offered to play QB.

The rest, as they say, was merely another chalk mark in the “W” column for the ‘Cats.

Oh, and the opponent? Well, the Wild Things weren’t the lowest scoring team this week, but they weren’t rolling either. Tom “I’m Not Sure I Feel Like Playing Yet This Year” Brady, Edgerrin “Hey, You Knew I Was Traded To The Cardinals” James, Anquan “Hey, I Thought I Was The Man” Boldin and the Steelers D put up respectable numbers. But when you’re facing the ‘Cats, respectable doesn’t get the job done. Someone needs to step up—say, like Brian Westbrook, for example—and it didn’t happen for the Wild Things.

Week Three trend: the ‘Cats are rollin’ and the Wild Things ain’t.

Thirsty Savages (58) at Horny Beatles (89)

Another hard day’s night before Sunday’s outing found a Savage Coach in the locker room with QB Daunte “I Vaguely Remember Being A Football Player” Culpepper, sharing a tender moment, wringing hands, praying to various gods, meditating awhile, harmonizing on “It’s All Right To Cry,” and Coach Fitz eventually looking Daunte in the eye and saying: So, like, WTF? In a barely audible sigh, Daunte could be heard to reply, I dunno man, I dunno.

With that, Coach Fitz made his decision. The hero of years past would only see action from the bench.

In his place, Drew “They Call Me A Saint” Brees tried to help but came up short. Rudi “I Can’t Do This Alone” Johnson gave up and eked out a few useless points. Warrick “Thanks For The Faith But I Can’t Get It” Dunn said, F---, if Rudi ain’t playing, I don’t see why I have to. Shortly thereafter, most of the rest of the ill-fated Savages scurried off the field in search of something to drink. The lone bright spot was Andre “By The Time Y’All Get To Houston This Game’ll Be Over” Johnson putting up a valiant 22 point effort.

Meanwhile, Willie “I Coulda Made You A Contender” Parker was screaming from the bench, put me in, Coach! But alas, there was really nothing to be done for the demoralized Savages in the face of a resurgent Beatles team.

Unlike their opponent, the Beatles left it all out on the field and came away with the victory.

Week Three trend: The Savages are thirsty for inspiration. Will the Parker—Larry “I Know I Ain’t The Coach” Fitzgerald trade provide the impetus for a turnaround? That remains to be seen. And the Beatles? Certainly an improvement over the first two weeks, but further evidence is needed to see whether they have enough to contend even when they leave it out all out on the field like true men of Black and Blue.

Surfer Dudes (87) at Manhandlers (62)

Sitting atop the Rice Cake division, the Surfer Dudes found enough of the right stuff to put a handling on a once proud Manhandlers team. With a new Moss on board, the Manhandlers still couldn’t get it rolling down hill. Instead, they were rolled over. While heaven knows, this writer would struggle against the fates and search far and wide to be able to say something positive about this year’s Manhandlers, the truth is, a glance at the starting lineup, and a long look down the bench reveals—only the depths of the abyss. I’m afraid Fragile Freddy, Deuce “C’Mon I Can Still Play!” McAllister, and Randy “I Wish Somebody Could Throw To Me” McMichael just aren’t going to get it done.

The Surfer Dudes, on the other hand, while not a stunning success like the ‘Cats, certainly have some terra firma to work with. Ahman “I’m Not Finished Yet” Green and Doug “I Told You I Was A Secret Weapon” Gabriel could have made this an even more impressive victory. But as it was, the Surfer Dudes did what they had to and got it done. ‘Nough said.

Week Three Tend: The Surfer Dudes look solid. Keep an eye on ‘em. The Manhandlers…well, they appear to be on pace to race the Slayers nee Chimps to the bottom.

Chimp Slayers (36) at Tuckers (79)

No competition here, as the score indicates. Chimps—I mean, Slayers—just pure blown so far out of the water they were as thirsty as your average Savage. Was there anything that could’ve been done? Well, yeah, there was certainly a fair amount of points left staring out from the Slayers bench. But truth be told, you would’ve had to be a soothsayer to pick up some of them. For example, who would’ve thunk Chad “That’s Right, I’ll Smash Your Face” Johnson would come up with 1 stinkin’ point? (I know I sure didn’t in my other league.) But on the other hand, in “that other league,” I was able to discern that Brett “I May Be Old And The Packers May Suck But At Least I’m Not Kurt Warner” Favre was the way to go. And the Slayer receiving core? Well, really now, who knew? So, I say we cut the Commish a tiny bit of slack, despite my last comment above (that goes for the Mandhandled too—just teasing, you know).

And the MoFu’s? Well, an intriguing bunch. You take a look down the line, and many faces seem to stare back, saying, true dat, we solid. But then, you look and see—79 points? Well, with that nod to the Surfers, we have to give the same nod to the MoFu’s: they got it done. With Clinton “Yeah, That’s Right, That’s Right All You Nay Sayers” Portis putting on a show, Tatum “I Da Man, I Tell Ya” Bell coming on, and some good looking receivers, despite Plaxico’s plummet, the MoFu’s stand a fair chance of putting together a good season. But of course, they’re going to need to find a way to chase down the ever present ‘Cats.

Week Three trend: MoFu’s keeping it going. Keep your eyes on ‘em and be ready to play when they visit your hometown. Chimp Slayers? Well, I guess that’s what you get for changing the name of a time-honored franchise. But they could make for some challenging competition for the Savages, Juggs and Manhandlers.

Blackouts (86) at Juggs (73)

Ah, the top of the Crystal Gayle division versus the bottom. Well, it turned out to be a little closer than some expected (I can’t say who, but it was an unnamed source inside the Juggs locker room). While the Rolling Blackouts weren’t exactly ‘Cat-like—but really, who is?—, a few solid performances lifted them over the Juggs. Eli “Don’t Call Me Little, Brother” Manning and John “Glad To Still Be Employed” Carney added respectable points to the potentially breakout performance of Javon “I Hope I Finally Found A Home” Walker, and that’s all it took to slap around the couple of Juggs that tried to make it a game.

Week Three trend: Juggs still suck. Will Parker and some MoJo spark a turnaround? We can only wait and see. Meanwhile, the Blackouts continue to roll over the rest of the hapless Crystal Gayle division, but is that enough to get to the big game? That, too, remains to be seen.

And Finally…

Just when you thought I had forgotten, this intrepid reporter got this week’s scoop on the latest bon mot straight from ‘Cat HQ:

Here's the Bobcat Rap:

This is true dat:
We be cruel 'Cats!

UPDATE:

Bonus Bon Mot From Bobcat HQ: We didn't even notice the Steamrollers were missing.

UPDATE II:

Sluts (53) at Steamrollers (87)

So the Sluts got themselves Steamrolled this week. Can I really add more to that?

As Sei aptly observed, it is noteworthy that the Steamrollers have broken a rather nasty losing streak--and how better to do so than by rolling over some sluts. (Hey, that one is just far too much to resist--as I type, I'm debating whether to say it a third time!)

But seriously, my apologies to both teams. Steamrollers are hard to miss, and I normally don't overlook sluts, so I'm not sure how that happened. Ah, well.

At any rate, a quick glace at the Scoreboard shows that not only did Sei and his boys roll those Sluts, they managed an impressive performance in doing so. And the Sluts? Well, Carson is pretty good, but I just can't see him being enough to carry an entire team.

Which, of course, leads to the final Week Three trend observation: Sluts are down. Can Sei keep it up?

(Hey, you didn't expect any less, did you? Frankly, I thought that was rather tasteful given what we might expect from certain other ReCappers.)

Week Two Recap by the Commish

Arcadia Bobcats (107) defeat Sunnyvale Slayers (81)

You hear that sound? It’s the sound of me crying crocodile tears. Peter OWNED me this week – simple as that. His hubris was quite evident during his birthday dinner when I said to him, “maybe if you’re lucky I’ll give you a present this weekend.” His reply was “I won’t need any luck.” And just like that his prophecy was fulfilled. Sure, his reply was perhaps more annoying that the Old Style radio commercials that broadcast during Cubs games, but I digress. This is likely the 2nd week in a row where Pete’s team has scored the highest points. I am relegated to visions of 2004 as the Slayers are now in a terrible 0-2 shambles. I left 28 possible points on the bench, but that would’ve required me to start Marques Colston, Brett Favre, and D’Angelo Williams. Are you nuts? Regardless, I must give credit where credit is due, and right now Pete’s team is looking pretty solid after 2 weeks.

BREAKDOWN
Ravens Defense: 25
L.T.: 24
Frank Gore: 17
Laverneous Coles: 18

When you can start Alex Smith at QB and still win by 26 points, you know your Fantasy team is good (actually, Pete could’ve started Josh McCown and still won). I must’ve been thinking about my ‘other’ fantasy team, the one with Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel – meanwhile the Slayers looked more like Jessica Tandy. COTW nomination to follow.

NEW FEATURE THIS WEEK –

I’m hoping that every week from here on out, the writer of the weekly recap will ask Pete for his poetic musings regarding the outcome of his match-up – without further ado, here is PETE’S WEEK 2 MMFL BON MOT: “Crocker Highlands is located at the corner of Kicked St. and Yourass Ave.”

Now fetch me a cucumber sandwich, crusts removed!

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Rolling Blackouts (91) defeat Chicago Long-Horned Beatles (60)

Looks like Bill might want to start Rex Grossman (28) after 2 sub par weeks from Matt Hasselbeck (7). His Beatles could barely muster 60 points en route to a 31 point thrashing from the defending champ Blackouts. Ron saw stellar performances across the board (well, his kicker wasn’t too good but that’s probably the one position that can weather a bad performance). The Beatles found no help in his core positions, as the WR’s and RB’s combined for only 23 points (with 11 of those coming from Shaun “I Need Steve Hutchinson back” Alexander) while the Blackouts put up a semi-Mr. Fred-esque 44 from their Fantastic Four (Jessica Alba not included). Bill’s Beatles can’t buy him any love, but they certainly can afford a COTW nomination.

BREAKDOWN
Eli “the other white” Manning: 25
Reggie “John” Wayne: 13
L.J. “Burrows” Smith: 13

A prison break indeed for the Blackouts, both teams move to 1-1 and William Fichtner is not far behind them in the rear view mirror popping Medazepam.

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The Juggernauts (91) defeat the Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (89)

Oh the agony of a 2 point loss, this can only be surpassed by losing by 1 point, which in turn can only be surpassed by losing a tied game by virtue of a tie-breaker, which can only finally be surpassed by losing the Championship game to Ron (and starting Kyle Boller at QB – yes my grapes are still very sour!). The Juggs were firm and tight in this match-up, Matt brought out the big guns with newly acquired (i.e. purchased for $500 MMFL currency) Chad Pennington (19 points). Good thing too, his bench QB’s combined for only 9 total points, so this waiver wire salvo clinched the proverbial victory out of the Juggs of defeat. Too bad Cadillac Williams looked like he was wearing a training bra, his 2nd bad week in a row as he was only able to lactate his way to 1 point on 37 rushing yards. I think Carnell needs a fresh new teat with which to suckle. A valiant effort by Rudy “Not a Jugg by a 10 inch” Johnson (26) was not enough to salvage a very bitter defeat at the bosom of the Juggs.

BREAKDOWN
Chad “I’m 10 passes away from reconstructive shoulder surgery” Pennington: 19
Darrell “I’m a Deoin Branch away from scoring half my usual total” Jackson: 18
Matt “Thank God we can’t score in the red zone” Stover: 14

Now let’s see here, Matt DD made a great selection at QB, too bad the same can’t be said of Kevin “Fred” Savage. His selection of Daunte Culpepper was his undoing, as Drew Brees sat on his bench with a 16 point effort against a hapless Green Bay Defense. Let’s see, if my math isn’t off, 16-10 = 6. 6-2 = 4. That’s what I call stealing defeat from the jaws of victory – certainly worthy of a COTW nomination.

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Ocean Beach Surfriders (91) defeat the Bay City Steamrollers (75)

Emerging from the latrine, Sei realized that his team just committed a brown on white crime – the ‘Steamrollers’ move to 0-2 and 0-12 dating back to the last 10 games of 2005. This is not a pretty site. Meanwhile, Glen is riding a wave of success, joining Peter Bobcat as the only owners of undefeated records after the first 2 weeks. Does that mean we have relative parity? Sei only had 2 positions in double figures (Manning – 31, Jags DST – 13). Of his running backs, wide receivers, tight ends, and kicker, his kicker was the higher scorer with 9 points! Lee Evans, Jeremy Shockey, and Kellen Winslow were especially stinky, combining for 9 points. Blame it on bad luck all you want, but I’m wondering who will be the first to break Sei’s brown “streak”. He could use a Smoove BM right about now. Sei needs TP for his bunghole.

BREAKDOWN
Donavan “Sunshine Superman” McNabb – 23
Donald “If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck” Driver – 19

Not even a goose egg from Kicker Jeff Reed was enough to stople the mighty Surfriders. The only thing that could be worse for Sei at this point is if the MMFL faithful vote him into the COTW Hall of Fame.

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Joe’s Mother Tuckers (84) defeat Rolling Rock Wild Things (46)

“I’ll take Anal Bum Cover for $500 Alex. It’s a Daily Double!” Mr. Fred was almost doubled up by Joe MOTO this week. Making this indignity even worse was a season league low of 46 put up by Mr. Fred’s 33’s (aka the Peace Fighters). Upon further inspection, Joe’s team was in Final Jeopardy by including both Steve Smith and Clinton Portis in the starting line-up. To those who don’t follow football, both players are injured and neither of them played on Sunday. So Joe basically defeated Mr. Fred without the assistance of his top 2 picks! To Joe’s credit, every player he started who actually suited up last week scored in double figures, while Mr. Fred left Joey “Not a Single Point in Week One” Galloway rotting on his bench with 20 much needed points (call them dignity point since they wouldn’t have changed the outcome of this laugher).

BREAKDOWN
Plexico “Let’s Do It For Joe’s Daughter” Burress – 18
Drew “Barrymore” Bledsoe – 16

At this time please re-read the previous paragraph for the COTW most deserving!

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SF Sluts (68) defeat Mission Manhandlers (67)

Ok – what could be better than a game pitting the Sluts against the Manhandlers. Evidently the Sluts were able to “score” despite the “Manhandlers” alternative lifestyle (and by the way, if I were to open a gay bar in San Francisco, I’d be tempted to call it “Manhandlers”). Kanako must be reeling from this one point defeat, not only did she lose this game, but she also lost T.O. for at least 2 weeks with a broken ring finger on his catching hand (he’ll only miss one game since Dallas has a bye week in week 3). Anyway, the Sluts dressed like tramps for this one but still managed to not get their outfits Lewinskied. Hell, they will take a 1 point victory any day over a 1 point defeat. Kanako has stated that she intends to rename her franchise to the ‘Visitation Violators’. (You know what? If I were to open a gay bar in San Francisco, my 2nd choice for a name would be “Violators Bar and Grill”.) Well she was repeatedly violated by those dirty Sluts this week. Bend over Abigail Mae! Kanako was relegated to screaming “you frakkin’ toaster” at Hines Ward during the Monday Night Football game – I have witnesses!

BREAKDOWN
Carson “One in the Bush is worth Two in the” Palmer – 18
Donte “Don’t be a Hater” Stallworth – 14

Dare the gods bestow upon Kanako a COTW trophy for week 2? Only YOU, dear reader, may decide.

There you have it – week two is in the books. 2 teams remain undefeated (Pete and Glen), 2 teams remain winless (Commish and Sei), and 8 teams are 1-1. Week 3 is gonna be fun – don’t forget there are some bye weeks out there so set your lineups accordingly.

Go Dodgers!

Week One Recap by Glen!

Football finally returned to the Montana Mile League and not a moment too soon. Entering into Week 1, there were plenty of questions captivating MML observers. Would the Rolling Blackouts be able to defend their 2005 title? Coming off radical, off-season plastic surgery, would the Sara Michelle Gellars, aka the Chimps of yore, be able to lay claim to another league best regular season record? And of course the question on everyone's mind, where the f@#! is Crocker Highlands?

Well grab a beer & some chips and settle in for this week's recap to find the answers:

BLOODTHIRSTY SCALPING SAVAGES defeat ROLLING BLACKOUTS 73 - 66
Defending last year's title is clearly going to be a challenge for the Blackouts, as the Savages punched last year's champs square in the mouth on opening day. The BTSS came out with a balanced attack, led by it's receiving corps which produced 29 points. Rookie TE Vernon Davis had an impressive debut, coming up with 5 receptions and a TD. Speaking of rookies, the Blackout's Reggie "I Shoulda Been Numba One" Bush had 8 receptions and 119 all-purpose yards. Alas, Mr. Blackout lacked faith in his second round draft pick and instead elected to go with DeShaun Foster, who stumbled his way to 6 points, defeat, and a COTW nomination for Ron.

ROLLING ROCK WILDTHINGS defeat SUNNYVALE SLAYERS 68 - 65
In this week's nailbiter, the Mr.Freds squeaked past their division rival, thanks to Chargers coach Marty "Not Going to Pass" Schottenheimer. Going into Monday night, the Commish needed 13 points from All-Stud Antonio Gates to grab that all important, opening day W (and to make up for the weak ass performances of Reuben Droughns and Joe Horn). Sadly Philip Rivers completed just 8 passes all night for a measley 108 yards and with that the stake-wielding, petite blondes from Sunnyvale fell short by 4 points. So while the RRWT are off celebrating their solid Week 1 performance, Chimps faithful are left pondering not only a puzzling off-season transformation, but a COTW nomination as well.

CHICAGO LONG-HORNED BEATLES defeat JUGGERNAUGHTS 69 - 54
Bill's Beatles turned its Crystal Gayle Sayers rival into the Jugger-NOTS, thanks to 46 points from the most unlikliest of sources - the Bear's D, K Robbie Gould, and TE Dallas Clark. This more than made up for the horrid performance by Madden '07 coverboy Shaun Alexander. While it's still early in the season, me thinks the curse of the bus-riding, telestrator-mad, mutant turkey-eating one is alive and well. Meanwhile across the gridiron, the Juggernaught's bench looked awfully crowded, with Matt letting 68 points ride pine while Delhomme & the boys generated the week's lowest point totals. 'Nuff said. Hopefully he'll be able to clear out some space this week on it for his COTW nomination.

MISSION MANHANDLERS defeat BAY CITY STEAMROLLERS 77 - 68
The Bay City Boys went into this weekend's matchup looking to break a 10 game losing streak, dating back to last season. Ouch. But while hope springs eternal,unfortunately Sei's Steamrollers ran into pre-season favorite the Manhandlers. While the 'Rollers got good production (29 points) from its ex-Hurricanes TE combo of Shockey and Winslow, it just wasn't enough to overcome Maggie's Manhandlers, who were led by Jeff Wilkins and his 6 frickin' FGs. And with that, Sei's team begins this season just like it ended the last one - with an L and a looming COTW nomination.

ARCADIA BOBCATS OF CROCKER HIGHLAND defeat JOE'S MOTHER TUCKERS 94 - 71
The Bobcats were the butt of much post-draft ridicule, thanks to management's "unique" draft strategy. But the Oaklandish felines quieted many of their critics with an impressive opening day drubbing of the Tuckers. While they may not have discovered the New World, the Cats did manage to find the endzone several times, thanks in part to RB Frank Gore's 2 TDs and 170 all-purpose yards. Maybe that pickup of Josh McCown really wasn't that crazy after all. While there may not have too much that the JMT could have done about the Bobcat's Week 1 leading point totals, starting Steve Smith and his two hamstrings in place of Heath "Out of Bounds" Miller definitely does not help the cause. Neither does the resulting COTW nomination.

OCEAN BEACH SURF RIDERS defeat SF SLUTS 79 - 74
Looking to rebound from a disappointing 2005 campaign, Moy's boys took to the field against their divisional foe looking much like the aging team it did from a year ago. Turning back the clock at least for Week 1, QB Donovan McNabb threw for 3 TDs and over 300 yards, while Tiki Barber ambled his way to 171 all-purpose yards. Still, despite McNabb's rediscovery of his pre-TO form, the OBSR went into Monday night with the slimmest of leads. Thanks in part to 19 receiving points a piece from Donte Stallworth and Tony Gonzalez, the lovable gals from the Bay Area needed just 7 points from RB LaMont Jordan to secure the win. Much to Melissa's chagrin, Jordan could muster up only 20 yards and 1 stinking point, thereby leaving sluts worldwide to lament the victory that was not to be and the COTW nomination that surely is to come.

Before wrapping things up, yours truly would just like to provide a quick Josh McCown update. While 23 other QBs outscored good ol' Josh in Week 1, five others did not. And hey look, Josh just moved up the depth chart in Detroit. So who knows, maybe one day our kids will be reciting the name Schoewe alongside the likes of Columbus, Magellan, Balboa, and Cortez.

And that thankfully was Week 1 in the MML.

Week One Observations from the desk of The Commish

Monday morning I was writing an e-mail to a fellow team that read, “I need Antonio Gates to catch at least 5 passes tonight and 1 touchdown, otherwise I’m toast”. Gates caught 2 passes, one for a touchdown. I lost by 3 points.

I got that sick Fantasy Football feeling over the weekend. As a result all of the games were not very much fun to watch because none of my players were scoring points.

I woke up last night at 4am. I couldn’t fall back asleep – what was on my mind? Losing my game in week one.

Yes . . . the season has officially begun and I’ve already got a not so fresh feeling about the outcome. Here are some stats from week 1:

A quick look at our draft reveals that the avg points scored for the first round picks was 11. 5 players came in under the average: Shaun Alexander (2), Peyton Manning (10), Cadillac Williams (7), LaMont Jordan (1), Clinton Portis (9)

The top scoring player from the first 3 rounds was Ladanian Tomlinson (20). I think it’s my duty to point out that Pete had offered to trade me the #3 slot for #11 and then he later changed his mind. He should be very thankful he did.

The top scoring players of the week were Donovan McNabb (round 5 pick), Frank Gore (round 6 pick) and Kurt Warner (round 7 pick) – each scored 23 points. And to those pundits who thought Bill was shooting his wad too early by selecting the Chicago DST in Round 6, they had 22 points.

Vindication is not so sweet – Melissa Slut got a lot of grief for picking Donte Stallworth in round 6. Donte proved a lot of people wrong by racking up 19 points. We’ll see if he can continue on this torrid pace for the duration of the season. I’m sure he’ll still have his skeptics (speaking as a former owner of Donte, I can sympathize – he was my kryptonite for 2 seasons). Anyway, even Donte’s performance couldn’t save the Sluts from losing by a scant few points – thanks a lot LaMont Jordan. Doesn’t LaMont sound like the name of a clothing store for Gerry’s? I bought my lavender handbag at LaMont’s during their Fall clearance sale!

The best lineup this week would have been:
Kurt Warner or McNabb (Slayers and Surf Riders) – QB = 23
Frank Gore (Bobcats) – RB = 23
Ladanian Tomlinson (Bobcats) – RB = 20
Laverneous Coles (Bobcats) – WR = 19
Donte Stallworth (Sluts) – WR = 19
Tony Gonzalez (Sluts) – TE = 19
Jeff Wilkins (Manhandlers) – K = 19
Bears (Beatles) – DST = 22
TOTAL: 164

The Arcadia Bobcats of Crocker Highlands (who I am now going to dub as the Gay Faggots of Queer Town) were the high scoring team of the week with 94 points (the nickname is a joke - don't take it seriously!).

Mr. Fred had the lucky match-up of the week, he only scored 68 points and still won. 68 was tied for 8th in terms of point rank.

Overall scoring is down across the board, but it’s only week one. I think the new DST scoring is a lot more forgiving and hopefully people are on board with it.

Confessions Of A Serial Procrastinator

Call me Dukemael.

Yes, it's me. All me. I am single-handedly ruining Kevin's (aka Bloodsucking Thirsty Savage) reputation. But not, of course, intentionally.

A couple--or was it a few?--weeks ago, Kevin gave me $5 and asked me if I would write my check out to Buffy Commish for $5 extra (because Kevin was too darned lazy to send Scott a check for $5). Well, I spent the $5, and to this day, Buffy is wandering the streets, homeless and hungry, because I keep thinking there is plenty of time "tomorrow" to take care of that.

And the upshot?

Poor Kevin is on the list of delinquents--still owing $5!

But can I help it? You have to remember Juggernaut's first rule: do only harm. (Ah, if only my team would! Rather than get spanked by some lowly Chicago bugs...)

UPDATE: 2000 hours, check's in the mail. Or, at least it will be when the mail lady picks it up tomorrow.

Alternate Reality

So anyway, as I have told Scott and Kevin, my stepson, John, is into computers these days and trying to design a website for the Montana Mile League. The thing is, we've been trying to come up with themes, looks, logos, etc., and not entirely sure what to go with.

As part of that effort, because I am more familiar with blogger templates, as some of you know all too well, I decided to try to come up with something as a sample/example of what we could do.

And, since the Schoewe Open is temporarily defunct, I did my sample over that blog's template.

You can find it here.

So, please take a look and let us know what you think (e.g.--what the h--- do we need a new website for? would be one type of response...).

And, yes, of course, it would not be exactly as shown. For example, the links to Arsenal sites and the Packer photos aren't entirely necessary. This is just designed to give an example of themes, colors, etc.

And finally, if you know about such things (I don't), apparently, you can have forums and multiple pages, with buttons to get to them and that sort of thing. For example, I suggested to John that I believe Mr. Fred, among others, might like a button for "League History."

Kevin's 2006 Draft Recap

The 2006 Montana Mile League Draft Recap:

Uneasy Lies the Head that Drafts McCown:

Welcome to the 2006-2007 NFL Fantasy Football Season!

Though the leaves are still lush and the mercury continues to swell, football is finally upon us.

And after another disastrous baseball season, I couldn’t be happier.

Since Matt already gave us a little intro below, let’s just jump right into things, shall we? There have already been some fascinating, horrifying, and peculiar developments in the Montana Mile League…and they’ve all involved Peter.

How could a man so brilliant, so experienced, the captain of such a storied franchise….

But we’ll get to that later.

To the picks:

Round 1:

Best Pick: Actually, the round went pretty much according to plan, give or take. No one got any major steals, though I have seen Ronnie “Ricky Who?” Brown ranked as high as fifth, and often ahead of DuPont Jordan (depending on what rag you’re reading), so I think the Slayers certainly made the best of their situation.

Most Questionable Pick: Wild Thangs. A vaunted running back for many years behind Indy’s formidable offensive line and Peyton’s blistering, keep-defenses-honest aerial assault, Edge will certainly have his work cut out for him this season. ‘Zona’s been a running back graveyard the past few years, and, while the one-two punch of Larry “I’m More Irish then Shaquille O’Neal” Fitzgerald and Anquan “Yes, My Name Really Is Anquan” Boldin will likely keep defenses from stacking the box, the porous offensive line could cause the gold-toothed wonder some serious problems. Edge a number running back? Probably. But a number four pick? I doubt it.


Round 2:

Best Pick: Before a sudden onslaught of madness descended, Peter actually had something good going. Brian Westbrook fell much lower here than in most of the “expert” drafts saturating the internet. He’s a great complement to L.T., especially in a league that awards points per reception. So nice pick, Peter. That will be the last time I ever utter that last phrase, by the way.

Questionable Pick: Hasslebeck. Round 2? Why?

Kinda Crazy Pick: This actually overlaps with Round 1…the back-to-back selection by the Motha’ (Shut Your Mouth!) Tucka’s.

Hey…I’m just talking about the Tucka’s.

Anyway, I can understand the urge to grab a player of Portis’ caliber when he’s fallen so far due to concerns about his dislocated shoulder—and T.J. Duckett, for that matter. And if you’re gonna grab him, fine. Just make sure to back him up with a guy you know will be starting in week one…preferably a running back. Steve “Double Hammy” Smith ain’t that guy.


Round 3:

Best Pick: Sunnyvale Slayers, Antonio Gates. I’ve never been a fan of reaching for a tight end (unless the Sluts happen to be strolling by), but Commish already had some key pieces in place, and Gates is a nice addition to Chad Johnson. Plus, Scott knew he’d still be able to acquire a solid (though not particularly dynamic) running back three picks later.

Questionable Pick: The Reigning Champs choosing Reggie Wayne as their number one receiver. He may play like a number 1, but he’s still the second guy on the team and selecting him ahead of Chris Chambers, Hines “57” Ward; Darrel, Darrel, Darrel Jackson; and “Deep Roy” Williams seems ill-advised. By the way, does anyone get that “Deep Roy,” reference? I really hope so.

Virtual Insanity: The Feral Felines must’ve gotten bit by something rabid…Ben Rothlisberger as your number 1 QB? In the third round?? I know he’s won a Super Bowl, but there are more stalwart, battle-tested field Generals available, guys who are easily capable of putting up gaudier numbers. Even more insulting, Big Ben was rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy (the headline on ESPN said: ap-BEN-dectomy, but I didn’t find that particularly clever) and will be out for week one.

Let’s hope Peter managed to draft a capable backup.


Round 4:

In the interest of time and space, we’ll suspend the “Best” and “Questionable” talk for this round. Let’s just get right to the heart of the matter.

I’ll put this as bluntly as I can.

On September 3rd, 1970, Vince Lombardi died.

On September 3rd, 2006, Peter Schoewe spat on his grave.

Exactly thirty-six years to the day after the death of a member of football’s Pantheon, Peter executed a mind-numbingly baffling draft maneuver that can only be attributed to alcohol-induced dementia, several swift blows to the head with a rusty tire-iron, or the rapid inhalation of some sticky, hydroponically-engineered California Northern Lights.

With the 46th pick in the 2006 draft…the Arcadia Bobcats select…perennial backup Josh McCown.

Pause for effect...

--Did I mention Josh McCown plays for the Lions?

--Did I mention CBS Sportsline lists him as THIRD on the depth chart?

Third. Behind Dan Orlovsky…who I think used to be my plumber back when I lived in Milwaukee.

Some quarterbacks Peter could have taken at that point in the draft: Marc Bulger. Eli Manning. Donovan McNabb. Daunte Culpepper. Jake Delhomme. Drew Bledsoe. Trent Green. Kurt Warner. Drew Brees. Steve McNair. Mark Brunell. Jake Plummer.

And Dan Orlovsky.

I’ve been sitting here trying to think of the cinematic equivalent of Peter’s mistake. Off the top of my head, the best I can come up with is that scene in Rocky IV when Apollo Creed descends from the rafters for his exhibition bout against Ivan Drago. Apollo’s garishly dressed as Uncle Sam, struts a bit, and even winks at some of the back-up dancers. Hell, he even had a coked-up James Brown accompanying him. I watched that movie in the theater when I was eight or ten (something like that), and I was laughing and having a grand old time. “That Apollo,” I thought to myself. “he’s a cagey veteran, he doesn’t need to train. He’s got the skills, and the experience. This should be a cinch.”

Two rounds later, he’s lying face down on the canvas in a pool of his own blood while Sylvester Stallone drops a tattered towel, rushes to gather him into his arms, and tries to look distraught. Good stuff.

Incidentally, September 3rd was also the day the Treaty of Paris was signed in 1783, thus formally signifying England’s surrender and the end of the Revolutionary War.

Point is, Peter, we all need to prepare. We can’t just sit around all day being lazy, coasting along on our past accolades, then mail it in come crunch time. This is the Montana Mile League, Chief….there’s no easy way out. There’s no shortcut home.

On a side note, I’d love for Peter to do a complete 180 and transform into the reclusive, vengeance-riddled Rocky this season…the one who disappears to Siberia and trains by chopping down trees and hefting farm implements from the late 19th-century. Actually, that was the Soviet Union, so I guess the equipment was more likely from 1982. Regardless, that would be incredible. He could even grow the beard. He’d study spreadsheets and analyze data all season long, and somehow, through waiver-wire mastery and crafty trades, build an unrealistic, ramshackle team that has the heart of a champion…and finds a way to win it all.
Of course, there’d have to be the scene where he climbs to the summit of the Ordway building with a volume of data under his arm and bellows, “MCCOWN!!” at the top of his lungs while an overhead helicopter shot slowly fades to black. Now that would be cool.
I’d be willing to lose, just to see that happen. Honestly.


Round 5:

Best Pick: I liked the Beatles picking up Mason in this round. Mason’s always been solid, and even with a dinosaur like the current incarnation of Steve McNair tossing him the ball, he should still be a solid addition to the team, especially with a boom or bust 1st rounder like Randy Moss headlining the squad. Anyway, you can definitely do a lot worse than Mason as your 2nd WR in round 5…

…like Lavernaues Coles, for example.

Oh, wait. He’s the number 1. Whoops.

Questionable Pick: Well, I’m going to go ahead and nominate myself for this one. I’m a little torn, because I think Tony G is overrated, and his best days are most likely behind him (watch him catch 10 TDs now), so I was leaning towards that pick at first.

But then I decided it’s just too early in the day to get down on the Sluts…unless of course they’d like me to.

So instead I’m going with my pick of Daunte, who drastically regressed last year. The previous few years, he was an Inferno, scorching all fantasy QB’s in his path (save Manning). Last year, he was a Divine Comedy…and a downright disaster. You know, funny, but not “ha ha” funny. I rolled the dice, hoping he can return to his old form with the likes of Chambers, Brown, and McMichael at his disposal. I figured I’d lost out on the WR run, so I might as well look for an edge somewhere else. If he turns out to be a bust, then it’s time to get wacky on the trading block.

Insane in the Membrane: The previously mentioned Laverne and Shirley Coles. Peter had a rough couple rounds, but he still has L.T. and Westbrook. Why not go for a legit WR and sort out the QB situation later? Makes sense…there’s still plenty available. But why Coles? True, all the elites were gone, and it’s not like Galloway or Housh are high on anyone’s list. But take a chance on Stallworth now that he’s the guy in Philly, maybe. Something. Anything. Yeah, Coles had some ok years, but who’s throwing to the guy? Pennington? Stephen Hawking has stouter wrists than that guy. Geez.


Round 6:

Best Pick: As I mentioned, I like the Stallworth pick here, since he will be the main guy in Philly. But just as much as I couldn’t bring myself to come down on the Sluts earlier, I can’t suck up to them now. Later, ladies. Later.
Instead, I’m going to take back what I said in Round 2. I think Peter actually made a great pick here, selecting Frank “At Least I’m Not Kevan Barlow Bitch” Gore as his third RB. Gore’s got a lot of upside, college injuries notwithstanding, and having him along with L.T. and Westbrook completes the RB corps nicely.

Questionable Pick: Bears Defense. I know it’s the Beatles. And I know it’s the Bears. I’ve been in the league long enough to recognize these things. But still…it’s only the 6th round. Is that really necessary?

Insane in the Brain: As I said, unless I’m grasping for a languishing Slut reclining on a nearby featherbed, I’m not a big fan of going after tight ends. Especially so soon. I understand the new rules and all (or thought I did), but it seems like the general rush here (three in this round alone) when there were still quality players lefty at other positions was a bit excessive.


Round 7:

Best Pick: Though I’m a fan of my choice (Terry Glenn), it’s not like he went THAT much later than he should have. For the Slayers, however, grabbing Kurt Warner was a pretty solid move, and definitely filled a growing need at the position.

Questionable Pick: Manhandlers picking Deuce. I know, he’s been good in the past. But wouldn’t you want someone for your #2 RB who’s not likely to split carries with the heir-apparent to the rushing elite?

The Madness of King George: Jerry Porter? He’s been demanding a trade since throwback Art Shell moseyed into town. He’s not even playing in week 1. Hell, he might not play at all.


Round 8:

Best Pick: The Beatles. Their Chicago picks really came together, right now. Over me. Anyway, handcuffing Cedric Benson to 4th round pick Thomas Jones was a wise move.

Questionable Pick: Slayers. Lundy. Not terrible….but just because he’s starting, doesn’t mean he’s good. Besides, you probably could’ve gotten him a little later.

Stop the Insanity!: Rackers. Kicker. ‘Nuff said.


The Rankings:

This year, the standard unit of measurement will be altered slightly. Rather than “A,” “B,” or “C,” or, for that matter, the odd barometer I used last year, I’ve devised a different standard. In lieu of the criminal problems continuing to plague the NFL (particularly the Bengals…what’s going on there?), the current standard will be Consecutive Life Sentences. The maximum will be four…so instead of one, two, three, or four stars…each team will potentially receive one, two, three, or four consecutive life sentences. All clear? Good enough.

Arcadia Bobcats: QB: Big Ben and his missing appendix, Aaron Brooks, and the Great Josh McCown. RB: L.T., Westbrook, Gore, Turner. WR: J. Jurevicius (of course), Laverne Coles, Cedrick Wilson, Kevin Curtis, David Givens. TE: Cooley. K: Kasay. D: Pats, Ravens.

Well, I’ve already documented (ad nauseum) Peter’s blunders this year. For the sake of argument, let’s assume Aaron Brooks-Randy Moss picks up where Daunte-Randy left off a season and a half ago. That would give Peter a solid QB (I know…not going to happen, but still), two quality RB’s…and not much else. Sure, the kicker isn’t bad. Defenses look ok. I’m not sure about Cooley this year, though. Has anyone noticed how poor Washington’s been in the preseason? Peter’s gaping hole will be at WR…where he doesn’t have a clear-cut number 1. And maybe not even a 2.

Final Grade: 2 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Bay City Steamrollers: QB: Peyton, Vick. RB: Chris Brown, Julius Jones, Marion Barber, Willis McGahee. WR: Deep Roy Williams, Lee Evans, David Boston (why?), Eric Moldy Moulds, one of the Claytons. TE: Kellen “I think I’m a solider but I’m a moron” Winslow, Shockey. K: Elam. D: Dolphins, Jags.

I think McGahee could have a decent year, but I don’t know that I like him as a number 1 back. Having both Orange Julius Jones and Marion Jones Barber helps, though. Chris Brown I’m not too excited about. Obviously, the former champ is set at QB, picking up Vick as a nice bye-week backup to the always dependable Manning. I like the two tight ends, too. I don’t think Winslow will ever live up to his pre-accident hype, but Shockey is about as good as you can get at the position, if you don’t have Gates. Good D’s, too. Overall, a pretty solid team.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences.


Savages: QB: Daunte Alighieri Culpepper, Drew Gentle Brees. RB: Rudi, Willie, Dunn, Dominic Rhodes, Norwood. WR: Andre Johnson, Terry Glenn, Eddie Kennison, Matt Jones, Troy Williamson. TE: Vernon Davis, Ben Troupe. K: Jay Feely. D: Philly.

As I mentioned, I had to take a risk that Culpepper would bounce back this season. If he doesn’t I’m pretty much screwed, as I don’t see Gentle Brees carrying my squad for the long haul. I took a risk on WR, too, since I missed out on the run in order to cement my RB’s. I do like my middle-tier guys, I just hope I know who to start each week. Bottom line is, I’ve never been a lucky man, so I’m sure this strategy will blow up in my face.

Final Grade: 2 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Beatles: QB: Hasselbeck, Trent Green, Rex Grossman. RB: Shaun “screw Madden and his damn curse,” Alexander, Thomas Jones, Cedric Benson, Mike Anderson, T.J. Duckett. WR: Randy Moss, Derrick Mason, Branch, Bruce, Roddy White. TE: Desmond Clark. K: Gould. D: Bears.

With so much invested in their namesake, there’s no way the Beatles can ever win a championship. Still, they can contend. The RB’s are good, though there’s not a lot of depth in terms of starters. The WR’s are a little weak (though I do like Mason), especially if Randy repeats his disappointing season from a year ago. Des Clark isn’t much of a tight end, and I’ve never even heard of Robbie Gould (though I can guess who he plays for).

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences

By the way, Rex Grossman is useless to have on the roster, since he probably won’t even be starting very much longer.


Motha’ Tucka’s: QB: Bledsoe, Brunell. RB: Clinton “still trying to locate my shoulder” Portis, Tatum “part of the biggest back committee in football” Bell, Chester “why do people keep drafting me?” Taylor. WR: Steve Smith, Plexiglass, Lelie, Reggie Brown, Jerry Porter. TE: Heap, Miller. K: Vinateri, Janikowski. D: Chargers, Seahawks.

I see a couple of problems with this team. Clinton Portis may or may not start…and may have lingering effects from his injury. Tatum Bell may or may not be the main guy in Denver. Chester Taylor may or may not be a good back. And that’s it. That’s all the running backs available. Wide receiver looks ok (if Steve Smith also starts), as do tight ends. Why draft two kickers AND two defenses? Quarterbacks look somewhat shaky too.

Final Grade: 2 1/2 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Man Hands: QB: Bulger, Leftwich. RB: Larry Johnson, Deuce, Fragile Freddy, Toefield. WR: T.O., Marvin, Santana “Oye Como Va” Moss, Braylon Edwards, Keenan McCardell, Amani Toomah. TE: Zach Hilton, McMichael. K: Wilkins. D: Skins.

Hmm. At first glance, this is probably the best team around. That they don’t have a 2nd quality running back isn’t necessarily a cause for concern since there are plenty of WR’s to rotate throughout the season, and good ones at that. The QB’s look good, so do the TE’s and kicker. I’m not sure if I like the Skins D this season, but at this point, it really doesn’t matter.

So I’m going to go ahead and pick the Man Hands to go all the way this year. This prediction comes with a couple of caveats, though. First, I’ve never been a fan of using three WR’s and one RB, even if it is L.J. WR’s just aren’t as dependable, even if you’re talking big names. There’s really no other formation you can use, either, since Hilton isn’t good enough yet to be a 2nd TE. And the options at 2nd RB are scarce. Sure Deuce will get some carries, as will Fragile Freddy, maybe even quite a few early on. But down the stretch you can’t really depend on them.
Then there’s the T.O. factor. Look, the guy’s supremely talented. He’s also a supreme jackass. He’s caused dissention everywhere he’s been (San Fran, Philly)…and even some places he hasn’t (Baltimore). Something about pairing him with Bledsoe just bothers me. And toss Parcells into the mix? Seems like a recipe for a disaster…or a sitcom.

Basically, this team reminds me of the Death Star in Star Wars. They’re big, imposing, and seem to have a lot of firepower. On the other hand, all it takes is one plucky kid who used to bulls-eye womp rats in his T-16 back home, and they’re toast. In other words, this is the team to beat, but they’re one T.O. meltdown away from exploding and sending pieces scattering across the galaxy.

Final Grade: 3 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences (for now)


Surfers: QB: A battered and aging McNair, Donnovan McNabb. RB: Tiki, Ahman “how my stock has plummeted” Green, Brandon Jacobs, Kevan “Rat Bastard” Barlow. WR: Chambers, Holt, Driver, Bryant, Curry, Gabriel. TE: Witten. K: Reed. D: Broncos, Colts.

If I had to choose a runner up, it’d be the Surf Riders. In fact, it’s awfully close. In some ways, this team is more balanced, but lacks some of the explosive potential of the Man Hands. Tiki might not be L.J., but he’s pretty damn good. McNabb’s a bit of a question mark, as is McNair, but Philly could be good this year. Again, three WR would be best for this team, since Green is unlikely to produce. Still, there’s a lot to like all around.

Final Grade: 3 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Blackouts: QB: Rivers, Eli. RB: Steven Jackson, Reggie Bush, Stephen Davis, DeShaun Foster, Mike Bell. WR: Reggie Wayne, Javon Walker, Mark Bradley, Ernest Wilford, the other Clayton. TE: L.J. Smith, Bubba Franks. K: some guy named Michael Koenen. D: Chiefs.

Jackson’s predicted to have a breakout year, so could be in good shape at RB. Eli could produce some good numbers, too. I like Javon Walker to have a good year, and Reggie Wayne’s not too shabby, though he can be hit-or-miss. I’m not too high on the Chiefs D, though. Overall, a good squad but I don’t think there’ll be a repeat.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences.


Wild Thangs: QB: Tom Brady, Chris Simms, David Carr. RB: Jamal Lewis, Buckhalter, Lendell White, Edge. WR: Rod Smith, Peerless Price, Anquan Boldin, Randel El, Joey Galloway. TE: Ben Watson, Coutney Anderson. K: Rackers. D: Steelers.

Nice QB’s, but I’m not so sure about the RB’s. I think Edge is going to disappoint in Arizona, and I don’t like Jamal Lewis anymore. I like Anquan at WR, but think Rod Smith will be overshadowed by Javon Walker, and Galloway won’t duplicate his numbers from last year. Peerless Price just bothers me. Watson could be a great pickup at TE.

Final Grade: 2 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences (though at least 3 if Edge produces)


Sluts: QB: Carson Palmer, Jake Plummer. RB: LaMont DuPont Jordan, Kevin Jones, Laurence Macaroni Maroney, Sammy Gado. WR: Hines Ward, Drew Bennett, Nate Burleson, Brandon Lloyd, Donte Stallworth. TE: Tony G. Wiggs. K: Graham, D: Panthers, Vikings.

There’s a lot to admire about the Sluts: their balance, their form, their audacity. Once again, I think it will be an up and down season for them, one filled with sweat, exertion, exhilaration, excitement, and promise…but one that will ultimately leave them frustrated and disappointed. Having Palm-Her and Plum-Her on the Sluts is a decisive move which will leave their fans coming back for more, multiple times. I don’t like the backup RB situation, however, since Kevin Jones hasn’t produced, and seems to have peaked too soon. It’s also risky relying on Ward as your number 1 WR when he’s so injury prone.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Buffy’s: QB: Brett “Older Than Dirt” Favre, Kurt “Dirt” Warner, Matt “Laguna” Leinert. RB: Ronnie Brown, DeAngelo Williams, Reuben Droughns, Wali Lundy. WR: Chad Johnson, Housh, Joe Horn, Marcus Robinson, Greg Jennings. TE: Antonio Gates, Alex Smith. K: Lawrence Tynes. D: Bucs.

Looks like the Chimps won’t win after all…seeing as how they don’t exist. Shame, really. As far as the Buffy’s go, there’s the potential to put up some big points at WR, especially with Chad Johnson leading the way. RB’s are somewhat shaky after Ronnie Brown, although Droughns isn’t a terrible no.2, and Williams may well be the starter before too long. Having Gates is great, too…but QB concerns will plague this team over the course of the season.

Final Grade: 3 out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences


Juggs: QB: Delhomme, Johnson, Kitna. RB: Caddy, Dillon, Morency, Addai, Henry. WR: Larry Fitzgerald, D.Jack, Keyshawn, Moose Muhammad. TE: Crumpler. K: Gostkowski. D: Giants, Falcons.

Matt seemed pretty low on his team, but I think they have promise. Delhomme is a vastly underrated quarterback and could easily have another great season. Caddy will do great as the number 1 RB, and Dillon isn’t an awful backup, though he’s not great, either. Addai might come into his own before too long, though. At WR, Fitzgerald is outstanding, and Darrel Jackson’s great as long as he’s healthy. Add a great TE, a promising kicker, and a formidable Giants D, and you’ve got yourself a good team.

Final Grade: 3 ½ out of 4 Consecutive Life Sentences (just barely…if Jackson stays healthy…2 ½ out of 4 if he doesn’t)

Well, folks…there you have it. That’s it. I’ve wasted way too much time at work. It’s time to get my priorities straight. Now I have to check on my team in the other league.

By the way Peter, I’ve already filed the restraining order, so save your money and don’t bother buying the bullets.

Good luck all!