Week 3 - 2005 - Recap!

Rolling Blackouts 64 at Bay City Steamrollers 63
Ingleside Instigators 69 at Ocean Beach Surf Riders 94
Mission Manhandlers 78 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 133
Arcadia Bobcats 84 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 59
Rolling Rock Wild Things 81 at Emerald City Chimps 106
The Juggernauts 113 at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 77

Another week is in the books! The competition was fierce - like an old man returning soup at a deli (name the reference) – but in the end the best teams triumphed. Have I ever mentioned that I love women’s boobs?

Rolling Blackouts 64 at Bay City Steamrollers 63
Misery and agony knocked on Sei’s door on Monday night. His vaunted Ravens Defense was on a bye week this week, so Sei did his best to put in a replacement defense for week 3. Little did he know that the very defense he selected would be his ultimate demise. I seem to remember a time last year when Sei was tempted just to start a defense that was on a bye week because he didn’t want to deal with potential negative points. It was either that or not starting a defense at all. Actually, I think he didn’t want to start a defense at all, but that was not allowed under league rules. Anyway, the KC defense got shredded by a rejuvenated Broncos running game. Net result was -9 points and the Steamrollers first defeat of the season. So far Sei has been embroiled in 2 close matches out of three, and he could easily be 1-2 or 1-1-1 if not for a tie-breaker that went to his advantage in the inaugural game. This match-up against Ron’s crew was a low scoring affair – and it seems that any team that plays Ron is in for a low scoring game. He ranks low in the power rankings because of his offensive output, but that doesn’t matter when you’re 2-1 and atop your division. Player of the game honors goes to Daunte’s Paradiso Culpepper who finally managed a good game with 27 points (3 passing TD’s and 300 yards).

Ingleside Instigators 69 at Ocean Beach Surf Riders 94
Futility and absence barged into TTFKATS (the team formerly known as the sluts) hizzie on Sunday. Depleted with the loss of Dominick “Safeway” Davis and Jamal Malcom Warner Lewis due to a bye week, TTFKATS was left with no other option but to start both Larry Johnson and Donald Driver. Now on paper those are wise choices, but wise choice or not, the Fantasty Gods were cruel in their punishment and doled out the hurt accordingly. Johnson had a terrible game with -2 and Driver got banged up on his way to 3 points. The Surf Riders, meanwhile, rode the waves of Hines Ward (23 points) and the revamped Jaguars Defense (19 points) as he almost eclipsed the century mark in points. Glen’s bench scored 69 points, that would have been enough to tie TTFKATS starting 8. Amazing that her bench had 4 players on a bye – I guess, however, that she’ll be set up nicely for the rest of the season at running back. Maybe it’s time to bench LJ and go with her 1-2 Davis/Lewis running back tandem for the rest of the season. TTFKATS needs to get off the snide, they are the lone remaining winless team in the fair Montana Mile League.

Mission Manhandlers 78 at Joe's Mother Tuckers 133
Deceit and mediocrity broke the windows of the Manhandlers humble abode. Kanako’s team wasn’t “bad” but they weren’t exactly good either. Only 3 players in double figures – and while her 78 point output would’ve been good enough to beat 5 other teams this week, they weren’t enough to stave off the relentless attack of Joe Moto. His squad dominated every facet of this game – 133 total points! I guess he wasn’t hurt too bad by the season ending injury to Javon “When I’m 80 I’m going to need a” Walker. His bench even chipped in 69 points, so his entire 16 players had over 200 total points! Player of the game was definitely Shaun “Don’t Call Me Jason” Alexander (36 points on 4 rushing touchdowns – Serenity Now!). There was NOTHING Kanako could have done this week, her entire 16 players still would’ve lost to Joe’s starting 8 (133-123).

Arcadia Bobcats 84 at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 59
The fickle finger of fate snuck into the Beatle household on Sunday Night. Tomlie went ape shit with 47 points on 192 yards rushing, 3 rushing touchdowns and 1 passing touchdown! Chants of “Kill Me Now” could be heard from the Beatle residence on Sunday evening. Tomlie just shredded the overmatched Giants D. The Beatles were hurt by Joe Horn (1) and the Bears Defense (5). These were the right choices at the time of the game (well, I am still not sold on the Bears Defense – I will once they actually have an offense half as good as their Defense, but when their defense has to play 75% of the game, they aren’t going to be as “good” as they appear), but had he went with the Indy D (against a bad Cleveland Browns) and Keyshawn “I have a 12 inch” Johnson, the result of this game would’ve been different. Then again, Pete did leave Eli Manning (22) and Ronnie Brown (20) sitting on the bench, so all is fair is love and fantasy football. I was kind of thinking that Pete might break the Chimps record of 8 consecutive losses, but this wasn’t meant to be. Bobcats scratch one out for the gipper. Tomlie is a stud.

Rolling Rock Wild Things 81 at Emerald City Chimps 106
Revenge was a dish delivered to the front door of the Esteemed Mr. Fred. The last time the Chimps defeated the 45’s was back in December of ’03. That was the same year where they lost to the now defunct Korea 49er’s (59-51) [and also the same year where Dave Koepp said that I had a big ass]! Last year the Wild Things trounced on the Chimps in both divisional match-ups, this game would be different. Yes, I started Kurt Warner. Yes, he got hurt and only produced 3 points. Yes, Mike Vick had a good game (15). But all of that did not matter. In the waivers process I was trying to acquire Reggie Williams, Steve Heiden, or Jerramy Stevens. I didn’t get any of those players. Instead I had to settle on Eron Kinney and David Givens. The result was pure magic – 25 points from players I had to use because of bye week absences. Could this be the year where the Chimps are actually a force to be reckoned with? Is it any coincidence that the margin of victory was 25 points? Player of the game goes to Tory “If I married Tori Spelling she would then be Tori” Holt. 26 points delivers the bananas to the Chimps cage and we have all the potassium we need.

The Juggernauts 113 at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 77
Grudges and trash talking blew the doors off the Savage home. After all the trash talking was done, Matt’s Juggs were just too big and bouncy as they suffocated a withering Savage effort. The debate over the QB selections of Palmer vs. Collins went unresolved. Both players did well and both are fantasy studs so far this year (with Palmer actually taking top billing over Collins – and yes, the Chimps do regret not selecting Palmer and instead of opting for perennial fantasy crap shoot Mike Vick). The difference in this game was balance. Matt’s Juggs had 6 players sporting C cups while the Savages were stuck with 6 B cups. The milk was flowing both in the direction of the aforementioned Palmer and Julius “Indiana” Jones. They had 19 cups each. They burped away the competition. Ok, so that’s a really bad joke, but hey man, at least I’m writing a recap. Now the MOST inexplicable decision of the week did come from the Savages. Kevin left Steve Smith on the bench. Steve Smith only scored 39 points, and had he not started Easy Ike Bruce (1 point), the final score of this match would’ve been 115-113 Savages. I shall quote the fantasy analysis of the wise sportsline writers: “Smith is a must-start every week, but he should dominate vs. Green Bay in Week 4.” Isaac Bruce? Anquan Boldin? Sure, they are good receivers, but neither are #1’s for their respective teams. I do have to challenge the logic of the Savage playcalling.

Best of luck in week 4! There are no undefeated teams and it’s only 3 games into the season. We might have parity at last! Now if only TTFKATS would man-up.

Week Two Addendum

I'm back from the wilderness. Morgan ran off into the woods and started yelping, so we don't know if she saw a wolf or was chasing some smaller animal. We called her for about five minutes and then she finally ran out of the woods, completely out of breath.

That leads me to the final results for the week (which I shortchanged in my earlier recap):

Ocean Beach Surf Riders 92, Rolling Blackouts 49:

Ron wins the loser sweepstakes (but not the Chump of the Week -- that goes to Matt) by getting the absolutely lowest point total. Tiki Barber and Roy Williams showed up to play, but everybody else was in the lower single digits. Had he only started Houshmandzadeh, who connected often with Carson Palmer, I hear, he could have added another twenty to his woeful score. Glen continues riding high, with bullish performances from Hines Ward and the Eagles defense. Am I just imagining things, or are the defenses scoring much higher this year?

Perhaps too high?

Here's a preview of tomorrow's match ups:

Rolling Blackouts at Bay City Steamrollers
Ingleside Instigators at Ocean Beach Surf Riders
Mission Manhandlers at Joe's Mother Tuckers
Arcadia Bobcats at Chicago Long-Horned Beatles
Rolling Rock Wild Things at Emerald City Chimps
The Juggernauts at Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages

Week 2 Recap: O, Woe

This morning, I braved the bracing wind and high waves of Lake of the Woods, fishing rod in hand. I caught one walleye, which gave me a sense of success and fulfillment that’s been sadly lacking in my Fantasy Football efforts this year. I am not the only one struggling. Kevin predicted the Juggernauts would dominate the MMFL this year, and yet they have now fallen to 0-2. The Mission Manhandlers, after gingerly whupping the Bobcats last week, could barely muster a team onto the field for week two. And the quondam Sluts, needless to say, have continued their miserable slide. With their match against the Steamrollers, we’ll begin.

Bay City Steamrollers 90, Ingleside Instigators 69:

Two Packers gave the erstwhile Sluts about the only points they received, while a questionable coaching decision left Domanick Davis, who scored more points than starters Larry Johnson and Jamal Lewis combined, cooling his heels on the bench. Sei, meanwhile, got a yeoman’s performance out of Donovan McNabb and respectable numbers from Darrell Jackson and Randy McMichael. Verdict: Steamrollers somewhat steam, the Team Formerly Known as “I’ll Hate Myself in the Morning” mostly suck.

Joe’s Mother Tuckers 72, Arcadia Bobcats 65:

This one has even the most grizzled veterans scratching their heads. How could such a bright, promising team—the team that many thought held the future of the MMFL—stumble so badly in its first two games out of the gate? It’s not as if the brave young Bobcats aren’t trying. Look at the 21 points Chad Johnson gamely added to the scoreboard, or the 20 points that the Giants defense refused to let go from their muddy and grass-stained hands. Braylon Edwards, sitting on the bench, raised his hand brightly and boldly, his 16 points emphatically saying “Put me in coach!” And yet they suffer a loss by a fingerful of points to the anemic Mother Tuckers. Perhaps Shaun Alexander needed to prove he should have been picked first in the draft rather than Tomlinson. The verdict: Mother Tuckers mostly lucky, the Bobcats still hoping and ready to win!

Rolling Rock Wild Things 84, Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages 70:

The Wild Things dodged a bullet this week—it’s not often you can start a running back who gets you negative two points and still be trading high fives at the end of the fourth quarter. I had heard that the Wild Things are now located in upstate New York, but it’s still all Eagles all the time for this plucky band of sporting gentlemen. The bulk of their points came from the tandem of Westbrook and Owens. The Earth-loving Stewards of Nature, however, pulled up single digit scores from both of their wide receivers, one of their running backs and their tight end. Next week, Kevin might want to take a look at his bench—there’s a lot of talent hidden in the weeds of those eighty-three points. The verdict: Wild Things mostly precise, First People mostly un-pc.

Emerald City Chimps 97, Juggernauts 48:
In years to come, around dusky campfires, the story of this game will be told in shades of black instead of the white, the whispered words will focus on the yin instead of the yang, and tell of the power of the Sith rather than the Jedi. What I’m trying to say is that Matt got a whopping minus eighteen points from his stealth draft pick, the Vikes D. As someone who lost points regularly from the Vikings defense last year, I can only say my schadenfreude is intense. This dubious achievement completely masked the Herculean efforts of whiz-kid QB Carson Palmer and the resurgent Laverneandshirley Coles. The Monkeys of the Northwest, on the other hand, had an across-the-board solid crew, the standouts being the Tampa D (22 points), WR Derrick Mason (16 points) and RB W. Parker (16 points—if my internet connection weren’t so slow, I’d look up who “W. Parker” is). The verdict: The Chimps mostly laudatory, the Juggernauts mostly lamentable.

Chicago Long-Horned Beatles 126, Mission Manhandlers 57:

Wow. For a team mostly drafted over the phone, the Beatles brung it big time. Thomas Jones, of all people, contributes 25 points, while L.J. Smith offers up a surprising 21 ticks. Bill’s faith in the Bears finally pays off with a big 36 points from their defense, making up for a miserable single point from first pick Peyton Manning. The Mission Manhandlers have Randy Moss and that’s about it. That puts them in a better position than the Vikings, but not enough to avoid the second lowest point total of the week. The Verdict: Beatles mostly strum, Manhandlers cower in impotent rage.

Ocean Beach Surfriders 92, Rolling Blackouts 49:

I forgot to print out this page of results, and the internet connection here at my parent’s is quite slow. But it looks like Glen did quite well, while Ron is really struggling. I’ll let you fill in the rest, because it’s time for me to get back to my vacation—and explore the wilderness area just to the south of Roosevelt, MN.

Good luck to everybody in WEEK THREE.

Week 1 - 2005 - Recap!

Summary

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (88) defeat Emerald City Chimps (64)
Rolling Blackouts (63) defeat Ingleside Instigators (38)
Bay City Steamrollers (83) defeat Ocean Beach Surf Riders (83) – (tie-breaker went to Sei because of higher bench totals)
Mission Manhandlers (92) defeat Arcadia Bobcats (45)
Chicago Long Horned Beatles (78) defeat Joe’s Mothertuckers (66)
Rolling Rock Wild Things (75) defeat the Juggernauts (67)

Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (88) defeat Emerald City Chimps (64)

Ahh – the thrill of victory and the agony of my inevitable defeat. Every year I look forward to week one with baited breath, only to have the jaws of life snatched away from me by the performance of one team member (the Denver Broncos Defense). I guess I can take a little bit of solace in the fact that I played Kevin in a different league this week and I spanked him handily. Of course that was my bush league team, this is the real deal, and so I shake my head in shame and admit that defeat tastes the same whether it’s served hot or cold. I don’t care what Khan says, losing is no fun if it’s fantasy football or in an epic battle in outer space with James Tiberius Kirk. I don’t care if Mr. Rourke wants “smiles, everyone, smiles” – I am a bitter pill that feels smaller than Tattoo. I do not have a golden gun for which to kill myself, which then begs the question – who is the next James Bond going to be?

The Chimps left 95 points withering on their bench. The Cadillac was full of gas but it sat in the garage on Sunday. The little running back that could (Willie Parker) was relegated to splinter duty. And the most questionable decision of all netted the most needed points of all. A 28 point swing occurred when Chimpy Lee decided it was better to start the Denver Defense over Chucky’s Bucs. Woe is me – those 28 points would’ve come in handy, and I would be doing a happy dance despite leaving so many other points on the bench. Alas, my true idiocy rings through – dare I make the same mistakes twice?

Players of the game: “Carrie” Collins (21) and Steve Smith (21)
Chimps Coaching Rating: Really sucks, didn’t rule
Savage Coaching Rating: Kinda rules, didn’t suck

Rolling Blackouts (63) defeat Ingleside Instigators (38)
Well, I can’t be the only one accused of leaving points on the bench. The team formerly known as the Sluts left 80 points on their bench. A few quick roster changes and this could’ve been a different game altogether: Big Ben (+18), Larry “Grandma” Johnson (+21), Antwone Randle-El Train (+7) would have left a final tally of 84-63. But coulda, woulda, shoulda – Melissa went with her best players and the cruel hand of fate dealt a rather unceremonious hand. What is great to note is that both starting QB’s stunk up the joint – Daunte “Inferno” Culpepper netted -4 and Brett “Throw Off My Back Foot” Favre had -1. I guess it doesn’t help that Javon Walker is out for the season with a torn ACL, but we’ll get to that later when we talk about Joe Moto. None of Melissa’s starters scored in double digits. Now why couldn’t I have been matched up with her in week one? Hell, I would have settled with playing Ron too!

Player of the game: Buffalo Bills DST (26) – only allowed 120 total yards – now that is some defense. They are going to need it with JP Losman running that offense. Funny to note that Ron’s 2^nd highest scorer was his other defense – Atlanta (19).
Blackouts Coaching Rating: Mostly Rules, didn’t suck
The team formerly known as the Sluts Coaching Rating: Mostly sucks, didn’t rule

Bay City Steamrollers (83) defeat Ocean Beach Surf Riders (83) – (tie-breaker went to Sei because of higher bench totals)

So now we get the see some of the new rules in effect. Instigated this year was the policy that there would be no more tie games. The tie-breaker belongs to the team with the better bench scoring. Sei wins 51-46. How does he do it? It wasn’t from Derrick Blaylock (0) and Travis Henry (-1). Of all players, Courtney “Cox” Anderson chipped in 15 from the bench. Call them the 9^th player. Glen’s bench squad was resilient, but zero points from both A-Train and Dallas “Texas” Clark did not help matters. Too bad Glen left the Jags defense riding in the middle seat, those 16 points would’ve come in handy given that his starting Philly “Minus Trotter” defense only netted 9. Such a prescient coaching maneuver would have resulted in a 7 point victory. Could this be a case of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory? Hell, I probably would’ve started the Philly defense too. But at very least Glen can take some solace in the fact that Mike Anderson bruised his ribs and now Tatum Bell actually got some carries – too bad the Broncos suck! But why did Glen start 4^th option WR Kevin Curtis (9) over 1^st option WR Brandon Lloyd (11)? That 2 point spread is exactly how defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory.

Player of the game: Jimmy “I play a mean organ” Smith (26) – the old man grabbed 2 TD’s and 130 receiving yards, not bad for someone older than the actual game of football itself.
Steamrollers Coaching Rating: Kinda rules, kinda sucks
Surf Riders Coaching Rating: Kinda sucks, didn’t rule

Mission Manhandlers (92) defeat Arcadia Bobcats (45)

Pete of the trash taking Bobcats took one up the bum from the perennial favorite Manhandlers. His team was lubed up and ready to go on their way to multiple ass-to-mouth suckage and a double anal scoring penetration. To further exemplify the utter hopelessness of his squad, the Bobcats bench only chipped in 33 points, so his ENTIRE TEAM (78) got pegged by Kanako’s starting eight. I can already see the Santorum oozing from the cornhole of Pete’s mighty ass cheeks. I think that about sums it up nicely!

Player of the game: Randy “I belong to Kanako” Moss (19) – not a bad debut, especially that 72 yard touchdown reception.
Manhandlers Coaching Rating: Mostly rules, didn’t suck
Bobcats Coaching Rating: Kinda Rules, kinda sucks (the only reason it kinda rules is the fact that Pete pretty much did what he could with the porn stash in his closet – it kinda sucks because his tools are too small)

Chicago Long Horned Beatles (78) defeat Joe’s Mothertuckers (66)

Bill won despite having drafted 6 quarterbacks and also despite leaving Larry “I Am a Must Start In All Fantasy Formats” Fitzgerald on the bench with 30 points. Joe had the severe misfortune of seeing his primary WR go down with a torn ACL – Javon Walker is done for the year. Misery loves company. It really didn’t help that he left Keenan “Ivory Wayans” McCardell withering on the bench with 27 points. That is the difference in the game, but then again, the lack of Fitzgerald offsets the lack of McCardell. Penalties offset, repeat 1^st down! What is a really staggering stat is Joe’s overall bench scoring – 105 points! I guess I have no right to complain about the Chimps 95 bench points. I am, however, scratching my head in disbelief at the fact that Joe started the Jets defense (0) against Kansas City. I guess he thought this would be a better idea than starting Miami against Denver. Too bad he was wrong. The Miami defense had 23 points and that would’ve locked in the W for Joe. Oops, am I rubbing it in? Unsportsmanlike conduct – 15 yard penalty on the Commish!

Player of the Game: Keyshawn “Damn Ball” Johnson (19) – an auspicious return with Big Tuna resulted in 2 scores and 5 catches for 65 yards. I still can’t believe Bill started Keyshawn instead of Fitzgerald. It ‘boggles my scrotum’ (bonus points for any readers who recognize this reference and source it).
Beatles Coaching Rating: Somewhat rules, somewhat sucks
Joe Moto Coaching Rating: Kinda sucks, doesn’t rule

Rolling Rock Wild Things (75) defeat the Juggernauts (67)

I really wanted to start this recap by saying “The Juggernauts went Juggernuts!” Alas, Matt’s hubris was his undoing. His squad lost to the defending runner-up 45’s. To add insult to injury, Matt’s bench of mostly Minnesota Vikings WR’s only tallied 17 points. My advice to all of my readers is that you should pay attention to your bench, because if you just include all the players from your favorite team, it’s unlikely that you’ll win any tie-breakers. Matt also started Antonio Gates this week. In any other week except a bye week would this have been a good decision, but Gates didn’t even play because he was suspended by the team about 4 weeks ago for showing up to camp late. Oh Matt, how difficult would it have been to pick up a starting tight end for just at least one week? You could’ve taken Chris Baker from the Jets, and that would’ve given you victory. Instead you opted to keep such dreck as T. Williamson on your bench. Dog, I further feel your pain given the Mike Anderson situation – for your sake I hope that Lee Suggs heals quickly before you have some bye week problems. Mr. Fred’s squad managed to win despite 3 points from Trent “Money” Green”. The irony being that his other two QB’s – the fragile Tim “Ratty” Rattay (12) and JP “I’m” Losman (10) both outscored the spokesman for Chunky Soup!

Player of the Game: Brian Westbrook (17) and the Steel Curtain D (17)
Wild Things Coaching Rating: Kinda rules, didn’t suck
Juggernauts Coaching Rating: didn’t rule, didn’t suck

That’s it for week 1. I have work to do now that I have ignore and so I have to get cracking!

Week 2 Match-ups:

Bay City Steamrollers at Ingleside Instigators
Ocean Beach Surf Riders at Rolling Blackouts
Joe's Mother Tuckers at Arcadia Bobcats
Chicago Long-Horned Beatles at Mission Manhandlers
Emerald City Chimps at The Juggernauts
Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages at Rolling Rock Wild Things

(Matt and Pete: I hope your parents don't read this blog!)

Kevin's Draft Recap

I overslept and missed the Schoewe Open Draft. Initially I tried logging on, but stupid AOL doesn’t save my messages, and seeing as how I forgot the league id…well, it all just seemed like a whole lot of trouble.

But now, around 9:00 CST they should be somewhere in the fifth round and if I know Matt, he’s greedily eyeing the stalwart Buffalo Defense…several rounds too early.

But I digress.

Knowing the onerous burden resting on the broad shoulders (well, shoulders anyway) of our commissioners, I have graciously volunteered to deviate from my otherwise hectic schedule of power-napping, beer-guzzling, and Laguna-Beach-watching and write a little recap of this year’s draft.

First, I thought I’d share some perceptions on the upcoming season.


Teams to Watch:


Will the Fair of Vanity continue in Philly? If bitterness, palpable animosity, driveway media conferences, and unfettered hubris continue to produce 131 yards and a first-possession touchdown, the feud between T.O. and McNabb will be nothing more than a curious, if bemusing, asterisk on a championship season. Their bickering certainly didn’t hurt either of them in our draft…but more on that later.

The Vikings without their loudmouth superstar? Yes, we all know Randy “Cheech” Moss has emigrated to a land of silver and black, a franchise whose reputation is perhaps even better suited to his jackass personality. What will this spell for Oakland? For Minnesota? And especially, for Kerry Collins? (I drafted him). I’m thinking Minnesota’s D will be a smart sleeper pick this season (pretty proud of yourself, aren’t you, Matthew?), and Burleson will become a fantastic receiver.




Teams to Avoid:

Not since Ricky took the Weed Wagon “rolling” around the world has anything been right in Miami. The perpetually quizzical and predominantly tan Dave Wannstedt has ventured unto other pastures, and former LSU coach Saban is busy whipping his dead horse…um, team…into shape, thanking God he left the Bayou State just before the “The Big One” hit, and surfaced in a cozier and safer hurricane-free locale like Miami (uh-oh). But will he inspire his players? Will his prowess at the collegiate level translate into NFL success, or is he destined to be another Steve Spurrier? And then consider J.P. Losman. Who is he, anyway? And why is he so damn fascinating?

San Fran. Oh, dear. The shredded remnants of this once-proud franchise are barely worth a mention in the esteemed annals of this exemplary blog. Led by Kevan “Rat Bastard” Barlow, some guy at QB, the New Mormon Kid at QB who Sucks, a porous defense, and well, that’s enough, isn’t it? In a scant few years, the Niners organization has rapidly devolved to a shadow of its former glory. I make a point to avoid all Niners. Completely.


Some Thoughts For Those Who Have Saints Players:

The Saints (and Deuce in particular) have always been tremendous underachievers—considering the dire happenings in the country these days, I don’t see them breaking out of their slump. I think it’s pretty obvious that the tragic circumstances of Katrina and the Waves turning the Big Easy into a post-apocalyptic nightmare will necessarily trickle down to the comparatively banal world of professional sports. Relocating the team, dealing with logistical issues (transportation, accessibility, security, etc.), worrying about their friends and families—we all know these things are trivial compared to the magnitude of the suffering currently scourging New Orleans and it goes without saying that the heart of this humble writer goes out to all involved. But this is a football blog and so, from a practical, objective standpoint purely focused on issues relating to football, I think the severity of off-the-field issues confronting the team, coupled with the obstacles of relocation, will be noticeably deleterious to the team’s production. In short, methinks a bleak year for the Saints…




Other points to consider.

What’s happening to Monday Night Football, anyway? Is it just me, or has the program deteriorated drastically over the past few years? Tragic, that one day I might sit on my rooftop deck, stare defiantly at the setting sun, and plead with the Heavens for a return to the halcyon days of Dennis Miller. Well, not really. But I have been on my rooftop deck.

Uh, once.

Another question (one of those “tree in the woods” kinda things):

If John Madden shifts his prodigious girth, mumbles incoherently through a mouthful of moonshine and turkey gravy about “this guy here,” and doodles spastically on the screen, and no one bothers to watch it on TV…does Monday Night Football still exist?

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I’d like to lament the loss of teams (and people) I really never knew, and welcome back a prodigal son.

1.) Sluts, I hardly knew ye. Ok, I’m lying. Although this is only my third year in the league, the Sluts were a common fixture I enjoyed seeing week in (and out). Multiple times. Although each encounter ended too fast (some might say prematurely), and I didn’t always come out on top, I nevertheless felt sated, knowing I had performed to the best of my nominal abilities. I feel a haunting loss at their absence, but my mood is buoyed by a wallet that, strangely, seems to be fuller, and a coincidentally resurgent sense of self-respect. Though ownership remains the same, “Ingleside Insitgators,” just doesn’t have that ring to it. You will be missed.

2.) I won’t delve too deeply into the Specialist “incident” last year. Suffice to say, the Du—er, elephant in the room has been acknowledged, and may be ignored without any sense of discomfort.

3.) Finally, I’d like to extend a warm welcome to Matt Schoewe’s Juggernauts. For the record, I’ve especially enjoyed all his recent trash-talking. It’s comforting to know that he still retains passion for a league he considered beneath him merely one calendar year ago…

But back to the matter at hand. The Draft.

Ah…where to begin? Weird and wonderful things happened in the draft this year…and some downright puzzling moves.

I see the dreaded Auto-draft has reared its vicious head yet again. I dimly remember two years ago: picture a young man who looked…well, like I would look two years ago. A summer party, a night of carousing and imbibing Milwaukee’s Best until six in the morning (cue music…something retro, early 2000’s). Waking up in a stupor, jackhammers in the brain, finally arriving at a relative’s computer, thrusting crying children and squeaky toys aside. I tried to ignore the bustling, braying family behind me and finally managed to log on to our draft room triumphantly, just in time to see my latest pick, courtesy of the Auto-draft: Mr. Chad Pennington. Tragically, the lad had just fractured…something (an arm, a leg, my poor, fragile hopes) and was out for the majority of the season.

I feel your pain, Steamrollers. I feel your pain.

Now, the recap.


Round 1:

Best Pick: #8, The Savages. Well. I understand humility is a virtue, but you can’t spell modesty without “m-e.” So grabbing Edge at number eight looked awfully good. In all honesty, I never expected to see the loveable, gold-tooth-sporting mongoloid fall so far. Most fantasy football research I consulted had him going in the top five, so I feel like I lucked out.

Most Questionable Pick: #7, Steamrollers. Donovan McNabb. Auto-draft, right? How ‘bout Culpepper at #6, to the Rolling Blackouts? Was that Auto-draft, too? Because that’s the same spot he went last year…and he had Randy Moss. And passing touchdowns were six points apiece.

Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’ Pick: #11, Randy Moss. Mission Manhandlers. Echo…echo…echo…

Round 2:

Some oddness ensured here. This league loves its positional runs and I, for one, refuse to partake, perhaps to my own detriment (Kevin Jones, don’t let me down, damn you!).

So rather than debate the wisdom of pursuing wide receivers versus running backs, I’ll just share some quick observations. I found it interesting that T.O. was next to go, despite the controversy (albeit after a great preseason performance against the Bengals). I’m not sure at #21 (Surf Riders) I would’ve chosen Hines Ward with Johnson, Johnson, and Johnson still on the board.

And shall we pause a moment to lament the sad fate of Ahman Green…once a fantasy stud who rushed for over 1800 yards, then failed me miserably last year? Ah, Ahman. Perhaps you should’ve focused more on keeping your hands on the football…and only the football. Fewer fumbles, less domestic violence charges (he did go to Nebraska after all). On the other hand, if he rebounds more smoothly than his wife off a concrete floor, this may be quite a steal for the Beatles (#22), who I think were (or were not) Auto-drafting.

Round 3:


Best Pick:

I’ve gotta admire the Blackouts (or the Auto-draft) for grabbing Tiki Barber at #30. Frankly, I’m a little surprised he fell so far. Yes, I know he’s old, rickety, seems to have too many teeth, and a twin named Ronde (I’m not sure what that means). But the man had 1500 yards last season. And 1200 the year before. And 1300 before that. And those are just the rushing yards. He does fumble, and his touchdown total last year (15!) seems a bit of an anomaly. But I’ve seen him ranked in the top-ten on running back lists in multiple publications. First round? Nah. Second round? Hmm. Third round? Oh yeah.

And then there are the Mother Tuckers, whose selection of Javon Walker at #26 fortified a team with an already marvelous running game (Alexander and R.Johnson). Nice move. And a formidable team…but they will make mistakes in later rounds.


Most Questionable Pick:

Ronnie Brown, #25. Look, if the guy explodes this year, Pete’ll look like a genius. Of course, Ronnie doesn’t have a proven quarterback on his team (for that matter, neither does Pete). Ronnie also has a suspect offensive line. Miami’s Offensive Line coach, Hudson Houck (not made up...no, really, that’s his name) recently described Miami’s O-Line as “an ongoing process” who “might start really playing better next year.”

Best of luck, evil genius…

Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’ Pick: Not much craziness going on here. I actually like the Steven Jackson pick (MM) at #35, though some might not. Martz has always been weird about not running the ball like he should (see: Super Bowl loss, beginning of Pats dynasty), but you’d think by now he’d realize you have to. Right?

I said,” right”?


Round 4:


Best Pick:

Tony Gonzales (#38), MM’s. Once the elite receivers are gone, make a grab for a receiver in sheep’s…er, tight end’s clothing. Whatever. Just take Tony G.

Most Questionable Pick: Surf Riders, Tatum Bell (#45). It was well established that Mike Anderson will be the starter this season. Tatum’s looked awful running the ball so far this year, but he throws a mean curveball, and his acid-tongued witticisms are just the thing to keep a crotchety, half-soused Walter Matthau in check. Never mind. Look, he may very well take over for Anderson at some point…but why spend your Fourth Round pick on a backup?

Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’ Pick: I hate to do it to ya, Boss…but Ronnie Brown AND J.J. Arrington? Huh? Rolling the dice on a rookie is fine, but twice? In the 3rd and 4th rounds?

Somewhere, the ghost of Lord Voldemort is weeping…


Round 5:

Best Pick: Bay City Steamrollers, Warrick Dunn, #55. Not bad for an Auto-draft. This mighty-mite might (ha! that’s fun to say) lose some carries to the Brobignagian Bulk of T.J. Duckett (not nearly as fun), but he can put up the yards (over 1100 yards and 9 TDs last year). Pretty good value this late, especially for a team thin at RB.

Most Questionable Pick: TIE Rolling Blackouts (#54) Bills D, RRWT (#58) Michael Bennett.

OK, simple rules of fantasy drafting. Never take a defense in Round 5. Defenses can wait. And never take Michael Bennett in any round. He will be injured. Tomorrow.

Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’ Pick: Chimps. Fred Taylor (#57). Yes, I know he was once a top-twenty RB, and there might be value here…but then again, Pete might give me a raise soon, too. Fragile Freddie’s always a risk, whatever the round. Of course, if he stays healthy, this pick could be fantastic…that’s the beauty of the “Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’” category.



Round 6:

Best Pick: Chimps, Vick (#64). The guy’s definitely been something of a letdown over the past couple seasons (broken leg, forgot how to throw the ball, things like that)…but someone with that much physical talent falls this far, you’ve gotta grab him.

Something that Struck Me…Not Bad or Good: I don’t want to pick on Pete, seeing as how I need a paycheck to subsidize my placebo addiction, but I’m curious as to his motives in choosing Drew Brees over Jake Plummer and Aaron Brooks. I know interceptions are a concern…and Brees did account for more total TDs than the other two (but fewer yards). But personally, I’d rather know what I’m getting, and Brooks and Plummer, while not elite, are more proven. I just think I’d be wary of going near a guy who has had a single good season, especially since the Charges gave Phillip Rivers a boatload of money to be their man.

Those concerns aside, I think the Truly Most Questionable Pick For This Round 6 goes to: Ocean Beach Surf Riders, Dallas Clark (#69). I think he’s a nice sleeper pick, but to pick him over Heap (who’s going to throw to Heap, though, I don’t know), Shockey, and Crumpler (who else is Vick going to toss to?) seems a bit, well…wrong.


Hooch Swillin’ Skunkweed Smokin’ Pick: Beatles, Bears D (#70). Huh? I thought you were on Auto-draft?

Round 7:


Not much jumps out at me here. The Beatles picked another QB. The ‘Nauts finally picked a QB. It’s not a bad round to pick up Jerome “Get on the Bus” Bettis (RRWT)…but we’ll see how long that calf injury of his lingers. There’s still some decent Wide Receiver talent to be had (Jimmy Smith, Isaac Bruce), proving once again that once there’s a drop off from the “premier” class, there’s not much difference among the middle-tiers, breakout-years aside.



Round 8:

Not many questionable picks here…mostly just teams grabbing for whatever talent they can find.

Best Pick: Matt “I Was Too Good For You Guys Last Year” Schoewe’s Juggernauts, Mike Anderson (#92). The man is starting in Denver, and we all know how Mike Shannahan loves to manufacture running backs from third-stringers, guys off the street, his wife’s unemployed brother…you name it. And we also know Anderson was a successful RB in Denver before. Who knows how long he’ll be starting, but picking him up in the 8th was a good move on Matt’s part.

Bastard.


So…to the grades.




A Quick Note on the Grades:

I’ve noticed our humble Commish was awfully generous with the marks in years past (no grade lower than a C that I’ve been able to find in my limited experience with the league). Rather than piss off everyone (well, everyone I already haven’t), I think I’ll do my own scaling system, slightly harsher, but more colorful.


Arcadia Bobcats:

Well, I’m not a fan of D.Brees at starting QB, backed up by Eli “It looks like a Peyton, talks like a Peyton, but it ain’t a Peyton” Manning. And we know their RB core may be talented at the collegiate level, but I think someone failed to inform our illustrious, evil genius of a co-commissioner that this is not a keeper league.

Team: (QB) Drew Brees, Eli Manning, (RB) L.T., Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams, J.J Arrington, J. Chatman, (WR)C. Johnson, A. Lelie, L. Evans, B. Edwards, M. Williams, “Token Joe” Jurevicius, (TE) D. Graham, (K) “Nuge”, Chargers Defense.

Grade: Somewhat Sucks (however, if the kids grow up real fast, could steadily become, “Doesn’t Suck, Mostly Rules”)



Bay City Steamrollers:

Team: (QB) B. Griese, D. McNabb, (RB) C. Martin, W. Dunn, D. Blaylock, M. Faulk, T. Henry, (WR) D. Givens, D. Jackson, B. Stokley, Marvin, J. Smith, (TE) D. Jolley, R. McMichael, (K) S. Janikowski, Ravens D.

Actually, although the Autodraft wasn’t kind, it wasn’t insanely cruel either (see: Beatles). You can’t go wrong with Mt. Carmel’s own Donny McNabb as your starting QB. And Starvin’ Marvin is always good for sweet numbers, even if Reggie Wayne is lighting it up. With D.Jackson at your number two wide-out and a Baltimore D, there are some significant pieces in place. But at Running Back…ouch. The wrinkles! The arthritis! Oh My! C. Martin was a surprise last year…many were astounded that he cheated Mother Nature (and Shaun Alexander) to an NFC rushing title and 12 touchdowns. I didn’t even know he was still alive. But I’m not so sure he can repeat a performance like that. He’ll get you a thousand-plus yards…he’s done that every year since the mid-90’s. But his TD output will be down, especially of Chad P. manages to refrain from his annual fracturing of limbs. Warrick Dunn’s a good number 2 back (and often overlooked, poor little guy), especially for where he fell, but Travis Henry is useless. Between his injuries and Brown’s share of the carries, I don’t see him having a very productive year.

Grade: Somewhat Sucks (I know you’re working on trading. I remember those days well)


Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages:


Team: (QB) K. Collins, J. Delhomme, (RB) Edge, K. Jones, Lamont Jordan, (WR) M. Jenkins, Terry Glenn, E. Kennison, A. Boldin, I. Bruce, Steve Smith, C. Rogers, T. Calico, (TE) Wiggs’, (K) S. Graham, Panthers D.

Well, I like my guys at RB. Edge is always good for a bundle o’ yards, even with Peyton rewriting the record books. I’ve seen plenty of drafts where Kevin Jones went in the first round, so having him and Lamont Jordan makes my life a little easier. I think Kerry’s going to have a good year throwing to Moss, but I’m a little worried about my receivers. I’ve got a fair amount of mid-tier guys, but I lack an elite producer…and that bothers me.

Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Doesn’t Rule


Chicago Long-Horned Beatles:

Six quarterbacks, including Kyle Boller, Patrick Ramsey, Joey Harrington and…dear God, Rex Grossman? Also a possible Auto-draft mishap. ‘Nuff said.

Final Grade: Mostly Sucks. However, there is enough trade bait on the QB position to easily elevate this team. Obviously, Manning is a keeper…I would go for the gusto and trade Brooks (I know, then you’re stuck with Joey, but you’ve got to give to get) along with a player at another position, possibly even a D, and the team could improve dramatically. Just my two cents, which probably aren’t even worth…well, two cents.


Emerald City Chimps:

Team: (QB) C. Pennington, M. Vick, “Mistah Kurt, He Dead” Warner, (RB) Deuce Mc, M. Moore, W. Green, F. Taylor, Cadillac, (WR) Nate Burleson, Santana “You Better Change Your Poor-Ass Playin’ Ways” Moss, K. Colbert, D. Mason, Holt, (TE) T. Heap, (K) J. Wilkins, Broncos (huh?) D.

I’m trying to decide if there’s a good quarterback in there somewhere. I’ve had Pennington on my team the last couple of years, and he’s proved frustrating. I know other owners can attest to similar sentiments about Vick. Definitely a lot of talent, but a lot of potential disappointment in all three QB’s. Commish actually has a fascinating assortment of RB’s. Deuce can be great, or really disappointing (plus, consider my earlier note on the “Katrina Factor”). Moore’s a solid gamble to replace the sissy Bennett. Green may start, too. Taylor…eh. But as of yet, there’s no reliable second-RB. All of them are “if’s”. If Freddie stays healthy, if Bennett gets hurt and Moore takes over, if Green starts all season, if Cadillac has a sweet rookie year, etc. I do, however, feel Nate Burleson’s in for a big-time year. Someone’s gotta fill the void. Or try. And if you have Torry Holt on top of that? Nice job. Not a fan of your Defense, though. I tend to stay away from Defenses in the AFC West. The division now sports some of the top offensive players in the NFL: Moss, L.T., Trent Green, Priest Holmes, etc. And that means they’ll play each of them twice. Ugh.

Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Doesn’t Rule



Ingleside Instigators:

Team: (QB) Brett Favre, Big Ben, (RB) Jamal “I Didn’t Drop the Soap” Lewis, D. Davis, L. Johnson, C. Taylor, M. Shipp, (WR) R. Wayne, Amani “It’s Not A…Yeah, We’ve Heard This One Before” Toomer, Randle El, R. Smith, D. Driver, (TE) Putzy, Shockey, (K) Vanderjagt, Pats D.

I like this team. Actually, it reminds me a bit of my team, but better. Solid QB’s (hopefully—and this is the Packer fan in me speaking—the preseason is not an indication of Favre’s performance). Nice Running Back core. Lewis is free now, and angry. D. Davis can run and catch the ball, and L. Johnson might be a fantastic steal if the sublime but brittle Priest goes down. With top guns at tight end, kicker, and D, the only real weakness is wide receiver. And it’s not bad. Well, not horrible. Will Wayne repeat his breakthrough performance? Will there be anyone to throw to Toomer? Is anyone even listening to me anymore?


Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Kinda Rules


Joe’s Mother Tuckers:

Team: (QB) Brady, Plummer, Bledsoe, (RB) Shaun “One Yard Short” Alexander, Rudi Rudi Johnson, K. “I screwed over my namesake last year” Barlow, (WR) Plexiglass, K. McCardell, Javon Walker, Mushin “Why did I sign with the Bears?” Muhammed, (TE) Witten, Pollard, (K) R. Longwell, J. Brown, Dolphins D, Jets D.

Interesting stuff here. Rock-solid at QB. RB, too, looks great. I think Alexander’s going to have a monster year. They’re using him more as a receiver in practice, and he plays against such pitiful run-defenses (San Fran, St. Louis, ‘Zona) twice a year, which he should tear through like a rabbit through fresh kale (or is it collards?). If he stays healthy and Holmgren doesn’t go weird, he might very well supplant L.T. as the consensus fantasy football pick. Yes, that’s a prediction.


Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Mostly Rules



Mission Manhandlers:

Team: (QB) Hasslebeck, Leftwich, (RB) Dillon, Droughns, Foster, Brown, Jackson (WR) A. Bryant, D. Patten, Joey “Where Have I Been?” Galloway, E. Moulds, Randy “Cheech” Moss, (TE) Tony G, (K) Carney, Skins D, Bucs D.

Like ‘em. What’s not to like? Hassy has yet to make that leap into the top five, but he’s not too shabby. Not much at receiver after Randy, though. I think Patten, Joey, and Bryant will be superfluous this season (yeah, I know Bryant’s number one on the Browns…but it’s the Browns, dammit!). But Tony G is a good thing. I think the Bucs D doesn’t have the luster it once did, and the Skins D isn’t great, but all in all, pretty balanced.

Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Kinda Rules


Ocean Beach Surf Riders:

Team: (QB) Bulger, McNair, (RB) Tatum “Paper Moon” Bell, A-Train, Priest, (WR) R. Williams (The Bad One), D. Branch, J. Porter, B. Lloyd, H. Ward, Kevin Curtis, (TE) B. Troupe, D. Clark, (K) David Akers, Eagles D, Jags D.

Glen, you’ve gotta deal one of those defenses. They’re both pretty good, and they might help you address some other holes. For starters, you only have one good running back. And if Priest goes down…hmmm. To be that unbalanced at RB, you need to be better at wide receiver. Ward has disappointed lately, and Big Ben has looked pretty poor this preseason, so be prepared. Porter’s hurt, but I do like both Kevin Curtis and Brandon Lloyd as interesting sleeper candidates. Still, my advice is simple: unload something. Go crazy. Not Matt Schoewe, election-conspiracy-theory-I-hate-Bush-and-his-kin-crazy, but crazy enough. In short, see me about a trade.


Final Grade:

Somewhat sucks, but by trading defenses and secondary players, could be improved.


Rolling Blackouts:

Team: (QB) Daunte, D. Carr, Orton, (RB) Portis, Barber, Benson, Gore, (WR) R. Williams (The Good One), C. Chambers, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, M. Bradley, (TE) H. Miller, E. Johnson, (K) D. Brien, Bills D, Falcons D.

Hmm. At QB, I think Culpepper will be fine. Not necessarily deserving of an early pick in the first round, but I think he’ll produce pretty well. I still have my concerns about Portis (which, for the record, I voiced on the MML blog one year ago, thank you very much). I respect the Gore pick because I despise Barlow since he let me down last year. Wide Receiver, though…not so good. I’ve always thought Chambers could be a great player, but those guys in Miami just scare me because their offense is so inept. And why keep two defenses that good? Or two tight ends? I know Johnson is hurt, but unless you’ve got the Big Two, it’s just not worth it.


Final Grade: Doesn’t suck, Doesn’t Rule.



Rolling Rock Wild Things:

Team: (QB) Trent Green, J.P. Losman, T. Rattay, (RB) Westbrook, Bus, Michael “I’m Screaming in Pain As We Speak” Bennett, Deuce Staley, (WR) T.O., M. Clayton, Donte Stallworth, G. Lewis, (TE) Crumpler, Bubba Franks, (K) J. Reed, Steelers D, Saints D.

What an odd team. Great starting QB, interesting backup choices. I guess you’re banking on one of the Field Generals from their respective God-awful teams rising from the mire of their pasts. At running back, so far you’re stuck starting Westbrook (who I’d like as a No. 2 player, but not as a No. 1…I know, I know…it’s Philly) with M. Bennett (who may be injured), since The Bus and Deuce are out with injuries of their own. That’s not fun. And why grab Bubba when you’ve got Crumpler? You’re giving up more useful talent at other positions. You’ve got some good stuff at WR, considering T.O. and Clayton are a lethal combination. But what’s with the Saint’s D? Completely unnecessary. Still, Green, Owens, Clayton, Westbrook, and the Steelers are enough to eke out some victory’s here and there.


Final Grade: Doesn’t Suck, Doesn’t Rule.


The Juggernauts: (QB) C. Palmer, (RB) Julius Jones, M. Anderson, “Whatchoo Talkin’ ‘Bout” Willis McGahee, Lee Suggs, (WR) M. Robinson, Andre Johnson, L. Coles, T. Taylor, Bobby Engram, J. McCairens, D. Bennett, T. Williamson, (TE) Gates, (K) A. Vinatieri, Vikings D.

This part pains me the most. I’ve been dreading this since I began writing. I hate to say it, but I think Matt has one of (if not the) most balanced team coming out of the draft. Quarterback appears to be his Achilles Heel, because it’s awfully risky to pin your hopes on Carson Palmer. On the other hand, if he has a breakout year, Matt’s team could be deadly. We all saw what McGahee could do last year. I also know for a fact that Matt screamed like a little girl when he claimed Willis on draft day. Julius Jones is looking more and more like he could have a breakout second-year. Johnson and Coles could be a fantastic combo. at wide receiver, and if Drew Bennett can replicate even a modicum of his numbers from last year…ouch. Then there’s Gates at Tight End. I personally feel like his numbers are going to drop off somewhat this year (not much, though) since people actually know who he is. Last year, no one had ever heard of him…including one Matt Schoewe:

The Blackouts and Wild Things also certainly show very good potential. But I'll admit that I don't even know who Antonio Gates is. But then, if you don't have Gonzo at TE, it doesn't really matter.

-“An Outsider’s Perspective, For What It’s Worth”
Montana Mile League Blog, August 2004

Strange, what can change in a year. And Matt picked him up in the other league, too.

Final Grade: Mostly Rules.


That’s All He Wrote:

Good luck to all this year! Thank you for plodding through my aimless, tedious, sophomoric, insulting ramblings. If I’ve offended you, I apologize. If not, your turn is coming soon.