Week 16 Playoff Recap!

Emerald City Chimps (141) defeat Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages (60)
Kevin did himself no favors by boldly predicting defeat on the IOP message boards. His team limped towards their second lowest point output of the season (he had scored a flaccid 54 points in week 4) and his self-fulfilling prophecy was complete. Like a triumphant Luke Skywalker, the Chimps thrashed down on the evil empire before Darth Vader could even consider the words, “I am your father”. Even the Chimp bench got in the act, outscoring Kevin’s starting 8 (69-60). The Savages lone star was Anquan Boldin (18 points), as he has left all skeptics in the dust and will undoubtedly be a top WR pick in the 2006 Fantasy Draft. David Garrard put up a feisty 15 fantasy points, but it proved futile as the rest of the Savage Beast could only muster a total of 27 points between 6 positions. Kevin’s team picked the wrong week to quit smoking. The Chimps only required two players to pound the Savages into submission: Santana Moss (loc’d out going crazy with 36 points) and Tory Holt (27 points). Only one player on the Chimps squad decided to take it easy on Saturday, that was L. Tynes of the KC Chiefs – he missed a PAT and a FG on his way to one point. The Chimps could have scored 147 points this week, but that would have required using Vick and Mason instead of Brunell and Parker – but Commish will take the W and move his way into the finals with a smile on his face.

Rolling Blackouts (92) defeat Arcadia Bobcats (70)
The Browns DST put up negative 11 points for Peter Bobcat this week. There is nothing, however, that his bench could have done – his entire 16 man roster only scored 87 points. Ron must thank the gods of fate for not pitting him against the Chimps this week. Sadly for Kevin, however, he would have lost no matter who his opponent could have been this week. Pete saw sharp performances from Ricky Williams (20), Chad Johnson (21), and Chris ‘Waiver Wire Gold’ Cooley (12), but they were not enough to pick up the slack from such ugly performances as Drew Brees (8), Jonathan Wells (8) and Marty Booker (5). Ron benefited from having 5 players in double figures, led by the two headed beats of Tiki (11) and Portis (22) and rounded off with a little Chris “Marilyn” Chambers (19) and Matt Stover (12). His bench was also solid with 61 points (enough to beat Kevin!).

Kevin’s grade for the Blackouts post draft: Doesn’t suck, Doesn’t Rule.
Kevin’s grade for the Chimps post draft: Doesn’t Suck, Doesn’t Rule
Chimps COTW total for 2005: 3
Chimps Lose total for 2005: 4
Number of games Ron won when scoring less than 65 points: 3
Number of games Ron scored less than 65 points: 7
Number of games Pete scored 65 of less: 6
Number of games Kevin scored over 90 points: 9

Week 13: A Bit of Frost on the Hillside (by Kevin Savage!)

The slate skies overhead herald the arrival of December…another corner turned, and the drama grows thicker, the stakes heavier, and the lessons learned more poignant and piercing. The playoffs are nearly upon us, and the journey has not been easy.

Across a surging sea we’ve made our path, and pause to mourn those we’ve lost (Javon Walker, we hardly knew ye) and those who will never be the same again (Daunte…Jamal, Jamal…Daunte).

And now we emerge, mud-encrusted and gasping, in the true belly of the beast. This was a harsh week, full of unrelenting opponents, taut, hard-fought contests, and impressive performances from unheralded players. In short, a true week of football.

To the recap:

Sluts (87) v. Steamrollers (75)
The California Courtesans have come on strong the second half of the season, after finishing underneath, behind, and after most of their opponents scant months ago. But that’s the problem with ladies of the night…they never seem to peak at the right time. Sad, but I suppose your timing’s bound to be a little off when you’re setting your watch to the tremulous rhythms of a stranger’s idle hands.

Recently, though, they’ve managed to come on top, multiple times. And this week their prowess left the defending champs limp, deflated, and the victims of a record-breaking ninth-straight loss, Sei’s team’s good name more sullied than threadbare sheets in a dingy Las Vegas motel.

In Larry Johnson the Sluts have found a future top-three draft pick, and a possible heir-apparent to L.T.’s crown. Starting Big Ben (25 points) over the Aging Gunslinger, who, God bless ‘em, tries his damndest (-1…tragic) was a key tactical decision, although seating a solid, though not spectacular, D. Davis in favor of prison flunkie and all-around disappointment Jamal Lewis was certainly a questionable move.

Meanwhile, the waiver-wire master was unable to draw blood from stones like Ryan Fitzpatrick (alas, my namesake!) and C. Martin (who hasn’t scored in double digits since week 7). Samkon Gado, everyone’s favorite Nigerian (sorry Christian Okoye), strode grimly into battle once again, and though his point total was fairly lackluster (10) he remains a bona fide diamond in the rough this late in the game. Well, he would if he played for a team that had a chance.

Blackouts (131) v. Surf Riders (64)
Some matchups leave us nodding knowingly, studying the implications to the sparest detail, and weighing the possibilities on our mental scales. Others leave us stumbling and dazed, more confounded than Peter after a Sunday morning wake-and-bake.

This game was both.

The decadence of the Blackouts was simply astounding. Even with Chris Chambers’ staggering 36 points languishing on the bench, the Blackouts still amassed 131 in an absolute rout of the poor Surf Riders. Brad Johnson continues to be an admirable fill-in for the ligament-less Culpepper, and Portis, Housh, and Tiki blasted the Surf Riders with their daunting point-totals. But the performances of these gritty warriors were overshadowed by a dizzying display of defensive dominance, a blistering attack from a largely mediocre Seattle squad during one of the most mind-numbing and tedious games in the history of Monday Night Football. Three turnovers returned for touchdowns is certainly a laudable effort, but a Brobdingnagian 48 points? Gadzooks.

The Surf Riders could only muster a tepid 64 points in response, and only two players, Kurt Warner (14), and Hines Ward (26), contributed anything of significance. Mewelde Moore continued to be less, not more, Jermaine Wiggins slept in that day, and a normally resilient Jags’ D chipped in for a mere 9 points against an anemic Cleveland team. Even Lee Evans’ 30 bench points would’ve been useless against this onslaught. Ouch.

Chimps (67) v. Juggs (66)
If Eskimos have dozens of different words for snow, how many do the Juggernauts have for “loser”?

Several months ago, the Juggs were clearly the team to beat coming out of the draft. Their lineup would’ve made prognosticators and pundits salivate at the possibilities…every analyst predicted McGahee would explode this year (6 points this week), Julius Jones would come into his own (15…on the bench!!), and Andre Johnson would pick up where he left off (6 bench points)…on paper, Matt’s team was clearly superior to any in the league. But as they say, that is why they glay the pame.

I shamelessly admit to being a Juggs fan during this epic, frustrating struggle. “One more goddamn catch!” I shouted to the television, hoping against hope that Mr. Gates would come through in the clutch. Even a tie would be enough to vault my Savages back into their rightful position at the top of the division. Even a tie…

But no. It’s frustrating having the best team, but the worst luck. Tragic comedy, like when a clown dies.

Meanwhile, the torch for the “Luckiest Sonofabitch in the League” has been handed off yet again. Once passed between the Pussycats and the Blackouts with more frequency than a San Francisco Slut between two ale-soaked longshoremen, the torch now rests comfortably within the thumb-less paws of Sir Chimpy. Aside from the Buccaneers Defense (23), his team was dismal…how very, very unfair.

I’ve tasted bitterness before, and recognize its tart flavor all too well. Oddly enough, it kind of tastes like marzipan. Anyway, many a wall in my apartment needs a little patchwork after that Monday night game. Surcharged, indeed.

Beatles (80) v. Manhandlers (46)
The MM’s piteous performance this week is probably best forgotten, while the Beatles remain a team with a few stout players and an assortment of scrubs, bumblers, and ne’er- do-wells.

Joey Galloway was the only soldier on the Manhandlers’ squad to marshal double digits, and the Broncos D’s total of -4 is grounds for a trip to the glue factory. Meanwhile, Deshaun Foster relaxed on the sidelines with an impressive total of 27, and the Redskins’ Defense throttled the Rams for 18 more squandered points.

For the Beatles, Peyton, Fitzgerald, and a formidable Bears D chipped in for their requisite amounts, Terry Glenn finally caught a touchdown and Keyshawn reverted to being Keyshawn. Steve Heiden also started at tight end. Inexplicably.

On a side-note, Thomas Jones has disappeared. Lost amidst a lackluster offense and a marquee D, Mr. Jones will need to keep up with his earlier stats if the Beatles hope to beat those obnoxious kitty cats this weekend.

Bobcats (90) v. Motha Tucka’s (60)
The signs are grim. Though their team is largely unbalanced, with gaping holes at key positions, the Pussycats are a fortuitous bunch. Should they hoist the coveted MML trophy, many years from now when all our bones are dust, atheists the world over will continue to point to the Bobcats’ dubious Championship as indisputable proof that there is no God. Should this aggravating group of trash talkers and communists achieve that shining goal, I’d be hard pressed not to agree that yes, in fact, we are alone.

Once again, Peter “I-Should’ve-Consulted-My-Shakespearean-Dictionary-Before-Writing-Last-Week’s-Recap” (“wherefore” means “why” not “where,” Boss) Schoewe’s Overachievers…I mean Bobcats…proved the better team. It was indeed a true team effort, with fairly humdrum performances from the usual suspects (L.T. at 9, Brees at 14, C. Johnson at 7). Crucial was a formidable Giants D that remained bulletproof and steadfast as they stared down the Cowboys.

Throughout the course of the season, the Mutha’Tucka’s have proven to be a high-scoring machine. Once again, Peter’s luck held true, as the ‘Tuckers amassed a mediocre 60 points, despite a ferocious assault from both Rudi and Shaun Alexander. When Plaxico, Witten, and Muhammad combine for 6 total points, chances are you’ll be left grasping the ground in defeat.

Savages (108) v. Wild Things (36)
To quote Peter Griffin: “Can someone give me a hand with all this talent?”

Once again, my peyote-swillin’ pagans did me proud, and proved that, meaningless records and opportune match-ups aside, they are clearly the team to beat in the MML. More well-rounded than Salma Hayek in a girdle, they continue to own the century club, having scored over 100 in six of the last nine weeks, and over 90 in eight of the last nine.
And in Edge (18 points), Lamont Jordan (only 2? Must’ve been doped up or something), and Steve Smith (15), the Savages have three of the top seven scorers in the entire league.

I’d share more stats, but I’d hate to devolve into something resembling a Schoewe.

Needless to say, they made short work of their hapless opponent this week. I’m not sure exactly where the wild things are…but they definitely aren’t in playoff contention, having been ravaged by the Eagles’ rapid descent into failure.

It’s getting good now. One week closer, but questions still need to be answered. Who will claim the final two playoff berths? Is there justice in the world, and will Peter’s ramshackle team ever get the ass-whipping it truly deserves? Will I capture the division title that is rightfully mine, or will I be forced to slog my way through the playoffs like a common serf? And finally, and most importantly…does Christmas smell like oranges? So many questions.

And so we beat on, boats against the current…to week fourteen.

Weak 12: Wherefore Art Thou, Samkon?

Time passes so quickly, leaving little in its wake but memories of greatness and tears of sadness. Here we are, already past Week 12, and within the Montana Mile League, parity is beginning to fade like last summer’s wine. There are winners here we can pass our fingers over and play with like bright, shining baubles—and losers we can shun, cast into the corner and let whither and die. I will detail all below, in my recap of this week’s bruising divisional match-ups.

Ocean Beach Surf Riders defeat Bay City Steamrollers, 89 to 66

The defending league champions must regret their audacious draft ploy—hiking on a beautiful August day instead of spending four anxious and uncomfortable hours in front of a slowly reloading computer screen. The Steamroller coach should never have believed his own hype—namely that some mystical waiver-wire skills could redeem a team of second-raters. This week, such waiver-wire favorites such as Mike McMahon and Marion Barber added a grand total of five points to the Bay City bottom line, while, strangely, last week’s darling, Samkon Gado, was nowhere to be found, not even on the Steamrollers’ bench. Had the young Nigerian not been released by the fickle club mid-week, he could have added fifteen points to the ‘Rollers total—an agonizing footnote, I’m sure, but still not enough to overcome the Surfers, who were tent-polled by a resurgent McNair and the dependable Jaguars D. Bay City stays at the bottom of the Lombardi with a record of 3 and 9, while the Keanu Point Breakers continue at second place with a record of 5 and 7. Hoo-rah! Harrumph!

Joe’s Mother Tuckers defeat Chicago Long-Horned Beatles, 102 to 80

The two teams tied for second place in the Nagurski met up for one of this week’s more exciting games. Bill’s Beatles looked solid all around, but only got 12 points out of the vaunted Bears Defense, while the Mother Tuckers rode Rudi, Shaun, Plaxico and Jason past the century mark. (Egad, that’s a tough foursome for the valiant Bobcats to face in week 13!) When the dust fell, the Tuckers remained standing in second place, with a record of 7 and 5, while the Long-Horned Chad-and-Jeremy’s record fell to 6 and 6, dropping them to third place, now tied with the Manhandlers and their greedy and grasping hands. Booyah! Let’s get crunk!

Rolling Rock Wild Things defeat the Juggernauts, 88 to 57

My assumption was that the Wild Things were self-destructing as rapidly as Eagles, being such myrmidons to their professional idols. But lo and behold, here they are with a 7 and 5 record, tied with the high-flying Savages for second place in the competitive Butkus. They were helped by a dispirited Juggernauts crew (long gone are the days when league wags dubbed the Juggs “Team of the Future”) and by a resplendent, Thanksgiving-inspired performance by a tight end named Alge. Other than Carson Palmer, the Juggs were mostly miserable, and compounded their ineptitude by leaving their best performer, Andre Johnson, cooling his heels on the bench. Unsurprisingly, the Let-Me-Get-My-Hands-On-Your are reveling in last place in the But, with a record of 5 and 7. My goodness!

Emerald City Chimps defeat the Bloodthirsty Scalping Savages, 111 to 93

Pity young Kevin, who always tries so hard and always comes up short. This was the week, after all his fitful maneuvering and wild cursing at the cruelty of fate, that he was going to take his rightful place at top of the Montana Mile Football League. He could taste the glory, he was so close. After all, didn’t his brave Savages have the highest point total of any other team, soaring above 1,000, while most of us were stuck in the 800s? And didn’t he have a roster of great performers, eager to score, such as LaMont Jordan (24 points) and a now healthy Anquan Boldin (16 points)? Didn’t he, didn’t he ... the shattered hopes are for the historians now, as the sneaky Chimps fly into first place, based on solid performances all around, especially from Torry Holt, Todd Heap and even his kicker, who chipped in fourteen points. We’ll continue to watch the grappling at the top of the Butkus closely, those of us who love the gritty and tragic drama of fantasy football. Erm, yes!

SF Sluts defeat the Rolling Blackouts, 91 to 77

Reality is a woman who successfully balances career and family, I heard once. The Rolling Blackouts made that discovery this week, when they were finally no longer allowed to coast by with low point totals and easy match-ups—due to the strong performance of the Sluts, who showed up to play this week in full Crocker-Amazonian regalia. Shockey and Larry Johnson both scored in the twenties, while the Blackouts mustered only three points from Ernest Wilford, while letting Houshmandzadeh clamor on the bench with 147 yards in his quiver. Still, the Blackouts continue their unlikely reign at the top of the Lombardi, while the Sliced Breads improve slightly to 4 and 8, enough for third place in this also-ran division. Muktada!

Arcadia Bobcats defeat Mission Manhandlers, 90 to 77

I get a little lump in my throat every time I see Shmoo gazing at me from the Manhandlers’ logo. She was a good cat. But sentimentality can’t extend to the astroturf, and my brisk Bobcats quickly swept the Manhandlers off the field, in spite of some poor choices by your harried coach (such as Brees instead of Manning and Ronnie instead of Ricky). It helps, I guess, when you have a player who will gladly contribute almost half of your points. Still, I have to say that all signs point to me being a lock for league champion this year—witness my unshakeable hold on the top of the Nagurski. So for those of you who would like to write out your checks right now, the last name is spelled S-C-H-O-E-W-E. Gracias!